(Author's Note: just wanted you all to know that I've started working on this Fic again! But, as it's finals and I have to pack to move 3,000 miles away again I figured I'd give you all what I have as I have it. Which means this will be coming out in short burts until I have a whole chapter; hope you don't mind. Figured it was better than nothing. When I'm done I'll bring all the bits together into a single chapter. Okay?)
"Our Secrets Made" Chapter Three 'Remorse'
three point three; February 1st- th
…
Faith woke the next morning to sore muscles and slightly dap sheets. She felt herself grin at knowing what that meant. As she took in a deep breath to begin the morning routine of yawn, stretch, give the night visitor a good looky-lou… The smell on the sheets came to her. It was slight, feminine, and painfully familiar. The scent alone made her nearly as wet as the memories from the night before as they too came flooding into her. She froze.
"Buffy?" she asked, almost timidly, her voice quiet. No response. Aw fuck, aw fuck, aw fuck… was all that ran through her head. Hell, she got her wish; her deepest, darkest fantasy and desire, and yet all she could grasp right now was regret. She'd slept with Buffy. She'd been drinking, they both had; but Buffy more than her. What if she'd taken advantage of her?
They had finally gotten so close; she knew she was now considered the blonde's best friend but this was not part of her friendly-duties. God, that little Slay-monster was going to kill her… hangover allowing. Her muscles pleaded for a stretch, begged, but she didn't want to wake Buffy before she had to, didn't want the uglies to start before they had to. Leaning up gently on her elbows she looked over at her bed partner.
Who must have been a lot smaller and thinner that she'd previously imagined if she could have hidden under the sheets next to her. Eyes widening in shock, she pulled up the comforter and sheets. Empty.
"B?" she asked, more loudly this time. Nothing. Rubbing her eyes vigorously as she sat up all the way she looked over her apartment. There were clothes cast about, but they were mostly hers. She thinks. She really needed to pick up her apartment more often. That wasn't the point! She pulled the pale olive comforter around herself as she slid her aching legs off the edge of the bed.
She was gone, half of her was sure of it. She'd been left in the middle of the night, not only by her best friend who had also expressed a deep hatred for the dirty-underhandedness of this act; but also by the woman she'd believed she'd made love to the night before. Yeah, so there it was. She loved Buffy; like that was a shock to anyone. Actually it probably was. Especially to the blonde herself, she was pretty sure. Shit.
Just yesterday in the garden the blonde had been open enough to tell her that yeah – she liked girls. That small glimmer of hope had been enough to make Faith's decade. She'd been determined to prove to Buffy, first and foremost, that this wouldn't change their relationship and that she wouldn't think any differently of her. Well, her thinking hadn't change… much… but their friendship had. She had a feeling that this would be irreversible. And the scariest part was, for the life of her; Faith had no idea what she would do if she could relive the last 24 hours.
"Hey B?" Faith tried, one last time. Her tone, had anyone been there to hear it, would have reviled how defeated she felt just then. Getting up, feebly she checked under the bed, in the bathroom, and even her closet. Slumping down in one of the old, wooden, mismatched chairs around her card-table (the only table in her studio apartment) she rubbed her face roughly with the palms of her hands.
Taking a gulp of air and forcing a sigh from her lips, she pulled her hands away again. They were wet with sleep and tears. Feeling a hiccup die in her chest, she looked around her apartment. God damn it, she thought, I really fucked up this time. She felt the hiccup and thick tears return and fought them off with all her might. But she was losing. She felt sick.
The door opened.
She heard the knob turn and saw it open in her peripheral vision and she was so scared of who it might be and so embarrassed as to how hopeless she knew she looked that she couldn't make herself turn to see who it was. All she could see was a blob of color, vague shape of what she knew to be a person. Hell, it was probably a student sent over to get her for a class she'd accidentally slept through again. Ha, she thought, having to excuse and explain all this to some poor fifteen-year-old girl.
"Hey." Her heart sunk even lower at hearing that voice in that tone.
"Hey B." Faith mumbled, not bothering to change the rough, sad, graveled tone her voice had taken on since her battle with crying.
"I brought you some coffee." Buffy said hopefully, delicately and hesitant, placing a tray with two cups on the table, a small pastry bag taking up the rest of it. "They had one of those scone things you hate to love so…" she trailed off. She nodded and picked at her nails, an angry kind of focus to it.
"So; you leave to get coffee," she started, finally looking at the blonde and knowing the answer as she gazed at her, "or for something else?" The blonde had changed. Showered, changed, put on make-up and new jewelry.
She'd done herself up a bit, as though she were going somewhere. Suddenly Faith was sure that she had circles under her eyes, her face looked sallow, and that her hair must have looked like someone had come in the night to try and make little animal sculptures out of it. She pulled the blanket tighter.
"Faith, look – " she started, sounding unsure.
"You know what!" Faith screamed, suddenly, as her hiccups almost started again, "Just fucking save it, B. What excuse do you want to use, huh? Drinking? Partying? Curiosity? The simple fact that I'm easy and everyone knows it?"
"Faith!" Buffy yelled, sounding almost offended. Faith stopped. Buffy was almost crying. She was offended. She pulled her keys out of her coat pocket and laid them on the table.
"What?" she asked back, tone still hostile. She knew she exploded but she still knew how this conversation would end. She couldn't shake her hostility.
"I can't stay here long," she wheezed out, her voice showing how much she was fighting the emotions bubbling in her chest. "I have an errand I have to run." Faith nodded, as if to say yeah; I know just how important I am to you. "Faith, about last night."
"I said save it."
"No, Faith, because I want you to hear this." She marched herself around the table until she was standing in front of the brunette's chair. Her body language was angry, and Faith was sure she was about to get chewed out. For taking advantage, for being a shitty friend, for being the more sober of the two and doing nothing to stop it – for starting it in the first place!... She wasn't ready for it, but she couldn't make herself move, either.
"I…" and then there was nothing. She gulped, and her eyes watered and turned red with effort, but still there was nothing. So Faith broke and reached out a hand to touch hers. Buffy accepted it, briefly, before crouching down to look directly into Faith's face.
"I want to thank you," she started, slowly, "For last night. It was… beautiful. It was all the things I had hoped something like that would be, and…" she wasn't looking at Faith anymore. She hadn't since she crouched down on one knee, "I'm glad it was with you." Faith's stomach lurched with nausea, and not from the drinks the night before. Aw fuck, she realized, this is going to be a lot worse than I thought.
"Why me?" Faith asked feebly. Buffy shrugged, glancing at her briefly.
"Because you're the only one who knew. Because you kissed me. Because you wanted to kiss me again and wouldn't let me just leave; deny it; be or do something else no matter how freaked out the whole thing made me." Buffy was rocking slightly by this point, but still no tears had fallen. "Because everything felt so good, and I wanted you." She said the last part so slowly it felt like a dagger being twisted into Faith's gut, languidly, expertly. She'd admitted it. However brief she'd said it; she'd wanted Faith.
"But I can't stay here." She said, just as the brunette knew she would.
"Why not?" Faith pleaded.
"Because I promised myself I wouldn't." she said, and for the first time all mourning her voice took on a strength. "My father left my mother for his secretary and for years I blamed it on myself. When I was 17 I promised myself I would never be the cause of someone else's relationship unhappiness." Faith looked at her confused.
"Now I have to go." She said, voice having returned to a steady tone, her face devoid almost entirely of the sorrow it'd shown moments before. "I have to pick up Wood at the airport in half an hour." Faith's eyes bugged.
She'd forgotten. Completely! She was shocked at how utterly and absolutely she'd wiped him from her mind, but then couldn't blame herself. She did not love him, he was simply a thing to pass the time until he finally stopped trying to rehabilitate her wily ways and she could continue pining for Buffy.
"Wood?" Buffy nodded, picking up her own coffee and keys from the table.
"Yeah, uh," she hesitated. "He and I have been exchanging e-mails a lot lately. He loves you, Faith." She said solidly, as though to say this is for your own good, you know?, "He heard how close you and I were getting and he figured that I would be the best person to keep an eye of you… That if anything was wrong, was bothering you, that I would be the first to know…" Faith felt sick again, though this time she thought she might actually lose it.
"He and I had been arranging this surprise for a few weeks now. I promised him I wouldn't tell, so at least pretend you didn't hear it from me?" she asked, a false laugh to her voice. She had really wanted this whole thing to sound off-hand, because the weight of it was finally too much for her to bear.
"B, wait!" Faith called, finally getting up, clutching the comforter to her for a myriad of reason. Buffy turned to look at her, full on again and the tears started gathering in her eyes once more.
"If you could relive the last 24 hours," she started, desperate to know, "What would you change?" Buffy nodded, sadly, finally looking away again as she sniffed hard. She collected herself.
"Not much." She started, digging her toe into the well-loved carpet on the floor. "But I would have waited." She said quietly. "It would have been nice to know, you know?" Faith nodded. Yeah, it would have been nice to know; to know that Buffy had been into girls, that she wanted Faith, that she was glad she slept with her, that she would have waited and that – if only she had! – then maybe Buffy wouldn't be walking out her door; probably forever in some sense.
"B I can't be with him." She stated, matter-of-factly, "I can't be with him anymore, you know that."
"No, Faith, I don't know that." She argued, voice slightly harder than it had been before, "he's a good man, and he loves you and he doesn't deserve to get his heart broken because of a stupid mistake you and I made!"
"Stupid? Mistake?" Faith bit back, making Buffy flinch, "You said yourself you wouldn't take it back or change it, and now you're trying to play it off as some frivolous little drunken-fling?" She said it with as much derision as she could muster. Buffy really did cry.
"It wasn't a fling but that doesn't mean it wasn't selfish and stupid and childish of us!" she yelled back, actually sobbing, "Do you have any idea how long I've been holding that it?" she yelled, "How long I've wanted to just be myself and to actually feel an attraction to the person making love to me?"
"Yeah, B, I do!" she laughed bitterly, "How long you think I've been houndin' around for?" Buffy stood stock still, a little shocked. "B, in case this managed to escape your ever-perceptive wisdom and insightfulness, I'm kind of in love with you!" She yelled, voice shaking with anger and resentment. Buffy placed a steadying hand on the wall behind her, near the door.
Faith looked from Buffy's hand, to the door-knob, not a foot from one another, and knew with sinful clarity just how fast the blonde was about to run out of there. Faith's face was wet but she wasn't sure why; she couldn't remember crying.
"I mean jeezus B… Can you honesty say that after last night… that you didn't know?" she mumbled, sad and confused, "I mean the shit with Riley, and… Angel?" She gently wrapped her knuckled on the table, looking intently at it and nowhere else. "I broke out of prison to save the love of your life from himself, came back to Sunnydale to try and repay an bottomless debt and ended up in a coma – again." She said, a sick laugh at realizing she spent way too much time unconscious.
"Faith, please," Buffy sobbed, "just stop." The brunette glanced up at her, seeing just how broken the shorter girl looked, and nodded. She'd stop.
"Buffy, I can't stop loving you just because you ask," she said slowly, letting her knew she would have ages ago if she had a say in it, "And spending the weekend with Wood isn't gonna make me forget what happened." Buffy made to interrupt her, but she held up her hand, "I won't tell him if that's what you want to hear from me, because I don't want to hurt him either. You're right, he has been good to me, and what happened was selfish… But I can't stay with him. If anything this whole thing has made me realize how wrong this whole thing is to him – I can't love him! Whether or not you're in the picture."
"I never thought what happened last night would ever happen, not in a million years B." she sighed, "But that never stopped my feelings before. And that was the most incredible night of my life, so I don't think they're suddenly going to change. Or, well, certainly not shrivel up and die." She could see Buffy's shoulder shaking with sobs in the corner of her vision, "You're asking me to be good to Wood, to treat him kind; the best way I can think to do that is to leave him. 'Cause he wants all of me and he can never have that."
"He knows you don't love him," Buffy argued, wetly, "He knows that. He doesn't care. He just wants to make you happy! To show you that not everyone wants what's cheap and easy out of you; that some people think you're worth the effort. That there are those who want to love you!"
"But I already know that!" Faith yelled back, desperate, "Why do you think I fell in love with you in the first place, dammit!" Buffy was stunned, left silently gasping and hiccupping as she witnessed the depth of Faith's despondency. "okay, so it got on my nerves that people used to ask me to be more like you, but… just because it reminded me of how not-good-enough I was for you." Faith took in a deep, slow breath, and felt like it was being sucked out of her lungs just as quickly.
"So that's my secret. I love you." She said, resignation dripping from every syllable. "So now what's yours?" Buffy looked at her confused.
"What?"
"Yesterday? In Willows office, after you'd just told me that you liked girls; a secret no one else knew and you trusted me with; you said there was something you didn't want to tell me. That you felt I'd be better off not knowing – "
"I'm leaving." Buffy blurted. Faith heaved a deep sigh of exasperation.
"Don't be childish Buffy. Just because I found out you were keeping something from – "
"No, Faith, I mean – I'm Leaving." Buffy emphasized, tone solid. "That's the secret. That's why Wood's coming when he is. Because I'm leaving." Faith had an odd feeling in her toes that saw starting to slowly creep up her legs past her ankles and towards her knees…
"Excuse me?" Her voice cracked, dry and raspy, while Buffy's eyes were wet with tears as she steadied herself and looked dead on at Faith.
"I'm leaving. The School, Cleveland, the state of Ohio, any state that has any trace of a Hellmouth… I'm out, Faith. I'm done. I'm retiring."
"Retiring?" the feeling was at her hips and ascending. She could identify it now; it was numbness. She could already feel the pins and needles at the bottoms of her feet where they were tired of holding her up.
"Yeah. Just like You and Giles and everyone else wanted to see if you could lead – or if I could follow – I need to see for myself if I can live as a normal human being. If I can even survive the basic life of paying the water bills, making sure the pilot light stays lit and more than anything else; seeing if I can do it alone. Without Giles or Willow or Tara to help me along. I want to worry about what's the best day to get the tires changed on the car so I can still get to work on time, not the next apocalypse."
"Oh please!" Faith chuckled, in shock, "Even if fixing the car was at the top of your To Do List, the end of the world would still be rolling around there too!" Buffy sighed.
"I know. And I want to break myself of that habit. Not to be all Cipher here, but everyone else gets that life and I want it to. Between this reality and the Matrix, hell; I'd chose the matrix too! Who would ask for these responsibilities if they really knew what it entailed?"
"Kennedy?" Faith blurted, half joking. Buffy just glared.
"She's unstable." Buffy stated. "Besides, that's not even the point. I've given eight years of service or more and I think it's time I cashed in my pension. And I'm going to be the first Slayer ever to do so. I've earned it." Silence fell for a long minute until a thought hit Faith.
"How long have you been planning this? This life of simplicity?" Buffy chuckled suddenly, as though it bubbled up from her gut, out of her control and then they also suddenly stopped.
"My whole life? No, honestly. Since long before I was called. Every person thinks about what life is going to be like when they're finally out from under their parents thumbs; the independence and freedom that comes with being an adult and earning the life you want for yourself… I've fantasized about living in my own house and worrying about the neighbor's kids busting windows from paying baseball in the street since I was ten and I did the same thing myself." And as sad as it Made Faith to realize that this statement was true; she couldn't just give in an let Buffy leave to create this life for herself.
"And just when were you thinking of going off and finding this life for yourself?" Faith asked, chuckling, a part of her sure that Buffy couldn't possibly be serious; that there was still time to talk her out of it.
"Friday."
"What?" Faith shrieked, "Friday? This Friday! That's three days from now! And you're only telling me now?" At the brunette's last words, Buffy looked shamefully down at the ground. And then Faith remembered… "You weren't going to tell me at all, were you." Buffy didn't look up.
"… Who else knows?" she asked, voice horse, wishing this numb feeling didn't just effect her skin, because it would have helped to dull the pain in her chest.
"Everyone."
"Everyone?" Faith asked, almost calmly, waiting for an explanation.
"Giles helped me collect the last of the insurance on the house and the pay-off the government offered all the Sunnydale Survivors, while Willow helped me find a job and a place to live. Xander knew someone in the area who could help me find a car and Wood's helping Dawn get transferred into a private school near-by… so yeah." Faith shook her head, trying to look at offended as possible and yet try and get rid of the tears starting to collect in the corner of her eyes.
"My students were told last Friday… and instructed not to tell you."
"Excuse me!" Faith exploded at this. It was one thing to be the last of the Scoobys to know, but the last in the entire Slaying Community? That was unacceptable! "So what? You figured you'd take off and I just wouldn't notice you were gone because Woody was here to play your little misdirection-monkey?" Buffy blushed, but didn't answer. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Everyone was ordered not to talk about it. Especially the students. They were warned that if they talked about it you might hear, and if you heard…" the blonde taped off, mumbling something about death-threats.
"That's not what I asked, Buffy." Faith's tone had become harder than stone. The older girl at least had the decency to look nervous.
"I knew your fear of responsibility would make you scared for me to leave. You don't see yourself as a good person, and so you don't think you're fit to be a leader - - especially after what happened in Sunnydale. Your lack of self-confidence not only effects your ability to lead, it effects the girls ability to follow you. But I've been trying to change that; get you to think like a leader – to teach, to guide, to realize how much you know by showing it to others. To help you see that you are a good person. As fit to lead as Any of the Scooby's, if not more. But I knew that until I could get you to believe it you would do anything in your power to try and stop me, talk me out of leaving."
"You're damn right I'd talk you out of it!" Faith yelled, upset that this was so obviously not going to go her way. "This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard! You're superhuman, B! By your very definition you're above the frivolous and mundane! Bills? Taxes? Bull-shit!" Faith screamed, "You literally have a kick-ass job that you now know you can do better than anyone one else, and not just because you're the only one with the power to do so! You wanna talk about 'job security'? that's fucking it – right there!"
"But it's a job I didn't ask for, and one I don't want anymore!" Buffy yelled right back, now visibly angry. "And you know what? Yeah – if 'real life sucks' and I hate it, I'll come back! But I at least want to try! To see if the fantasy is really just a lie." Faith crossed her arms with a hostel look on her face.
"What makes you think you'll be welcomed back?"
"I already spoke to Willow and Giles," Buffy started calmly, "They both think it's a good idea." She cleared her throat and continued somewhat stiffly. "They think the timing could be better; waited until the school was up and running, a bit for functional; classes running a bit longer before taking off but…"
"Will you be taking Dawn?" Faith asked suddenly, a thought striking her. If Dawn were to stay back at the school. Then there's be visits, for sure, and many of them. Buffy would never leave her sister for long, even if that was what the Lil'Brat wanted.
"Of Course." Buffy replied instantly. "I want to get her out of this life; now. If I even can… I think she's in to deep to leave and… I hate that feeling. I don't want that for her. I want her to see that there are options."
Faith's heart sank so deep into her chest she thought she could hear it echo, like a rock hitting the bottom of an empty well. She was stuck; things were happening that were out of her control and secrets – large ones – had been kept from her. She was scared and she felt fractured, and she hated feeling out of control. And Buffy knew that.
And though a Small part of Faith knew that Buffy wasn't doing this to upset her, and had that she'd gone to great length to try and make this as painless and possible for the brunette but it had backfired so badly that all Faith could hear was the blood thundering in her head from her anger. The momentary silence seemed between them seemed to fill the room with hesitation.
"Where are you going?" Faith asked, the resignation tearing apart her heart made her chest ache and her voice sore. In a strange way she could tell Buffy could almost feel it too. The look on the blonde face said she was fully aware of the pain she was inflicting, and though she was sorry, she was staying the course.
"I can't tell you."
"Can't tell me or won't?"
"Only the Corp Scoobys know." To which Faith scoffed, feeling slapped in inadequacy.
"You never were going to tell me, were you?" she could feel her stomach jumping, almost begging her to cry, but she refused. "Not anything; you were just going to go, weren't you?" Buffy just chuckled sadly, to where it sounded almost like sobs.
"Faith, you may not know this, but you're a little hard to approach." She started, "Especially with bad news. You may not know this, but I consider you a friend. My best friend, actually, and though this may be true you and I have a very rough history together, Faith. And I hate making you angry or disappointing you. So yeah, I wasn't going to tell you, but only because any time I got even close the idea of what you might say or what you might do had me thinking that maybe this was the best plan of action."
Faith nodded, sadly, as she looked down at the floor between them, realizing that though they had come a long way, some things were hard to unlearn. When she finally looked up after an agonizing minute of silence, she saw that Buffy was looking at her fixedly, her eyes seeking the brunette's and her expression sober and sad.
"Faith, I swear to you; it was always in my plans to tell you where I was going. I wanted you to come and visit me, make fun of the geeky IKEA furniture and make the bathroom smell like beer for a few days." Faith allowed herself one laugh before remembering how angry she was at the blonde.
"Faith, with all we've been through and how close we've gotten I don't know how I could get by without a daily phone-call and frequent e-mails. I mean, what I'm about to attempt is something no Slayer has ever done in history! It's big! And it's scary! And I don't know how I'm going to get through it without you. I had hoped for it to be your voice on the other end of the line, trying to coax me back and my stubborn spirit getting riled up with yours - and sticking it out… because of you. Because it would have been you that got me through it, Faith."
"And you thought I'd just forgive you?" Faith asked icily, voice almost cruel, but Buffy appeared unaffected, "You thought that you're packing up and leaving over-night would just be forgiven and forgotten just like that?"
"Yeah," Buffy replied simply, voice hinted with a plea that it could still be done, "I knew you would because I know that you love me." Faith's eyes widened suddenly, "I knew you loved me like I loved you – " at this Faith's heart and breath died in her chest " – I just didn't realize how much you loved me, I guess." The older woman admitted, sheepishly. Faith's heart hammered and the air in her lungs boiled with embarrassment and anger.
"Yesterday, on the roof," Buffy started, tone almost insistent, "when we split up after our talk I had this fantasy; about you; about us!" Faith was intrigued, but cautiously, "I had this vision in my head of your first visit and you and me and Dawny all painting the guest-room the exact color you picked out when I e-mailed you paint samples the week before. And you got mad at me for suggesting that we pad the walls with mattress because we all knew you'd be staying there the most; that it would eventually become your room…"
By the end, when Buffy said 'your room', her voice cracked and tears spilled from the corners of her eyes. And Faith had never wanted to reach out and hold the blonde more. Maybe because she'd never wanted to comfort her like this before, not quite this way, when she herself was already feeling so heartbroken, but she didn't, and it hurt like hell not because she knew her touch would be in some way unwanted.
"And now?" Faith asked, voice even; an example of the self-discipline she'd started to learn. It was a question, but only to confirm what she already knew in her heart and in the way Buffy cried silently as she spoke. The blonde simply looked at the floor, her face hard and her posture shameful. It was all too obvious what her plan was and that she wasn't going to change it.
So the Slayers stood, unable to look at each other without having to turn away and every thought about the inevitable… both thinking their right and the other was a fool for disagreeing. The last movement in the room for a long while was Buffy looking at her watch, then silently leaving to pick up Wood from the airport.
. - . - . - .
Later that afternoon, with the sun setting in those familiar deep reds and sweet oranges, Faith found herself back up on the roof of The Academy. She sat on the edge of the roof, one of her rough boots on the ledge with her, and though her eyes remained fixed on the setting sun, she couldn't see the entire garden dying around her. Like a drought, Faith's loneliness, anger, bitterness and fear was drying out all the growth that her and Buffy's love for one another grew just the day before. It all turned brown and shriveled, pulling back into the ground.
Faith had been standing there, watching the sun slowly fall and then settle beyond the horizon for over two hours, hoping that the blonde would show. This was their place, after all. Their ritual; their place of solace and solitude. She knew this was where the blonde went to clear her head, and she knew the blonde must have had a lot on her mind, so where was she?
Faith wanted to cry, she was so fractured. She'd never felt as close to anyone as she had to Buffy the day before. She knew she'd finally gotten through to her when she'd admitted her secret to the younger girl. And yet she couldn't get rid of that nagging feeling that this was all her fault. That maybe she should have been happy just to have Buffy's friendship; all things considered. Her friend, her 'best friend', the person she told her secrets to, the woman she'd trusted with her worries – and to help scare them away.
Maybe wanting her heart, her love, was her greatest sin here. Her greed getting the better of her and ruining the whole thing. Well, Faith thought, nothing new there. Faith knew she's wanted the blonde's love, even the First knew it; how it had motivated her vengeful taunting of the Scoobys back in her 'dark days', telling her what the blonde would never see her as. That had felt like a shot of acid to her heart, because a part of her knew it would always be true.
So when the opportunity had presented itself, to maybe just pretend for a little while – just a few hours – she'd taken it. She'd been tempted for her greed, and she'd fallen; shed failed. And now she'd lost the thing most important to her. She hadn't stopped to think, to consider the repercussions and compare the margins of profit, she'd just been thankful to have the window at all! She'd not wanted to look a gift-horse in the mouth, though perhaps she should have.
When the sound of the door to the roof unlocking shook Faith out of her stupor, she felt her heart slam to a stop almost in mid beat. Suddenly thankful she'd not allowed herself to break down into fat tears, she readied herself to make an ass of herself in any attempt to get back at least some part of what she'd had.
But when she heard the heavy, excited footfalls she felt sick.
Wood charged up behind her and wraps his arms round her from behind, hugging her tightly to him hard into his chest, picking her up and swinging her around. Yammering in her ear about how much he missed her and how he'd been running around trying to find her and how happy he was to see her again it'd been too long …
Faith forced the tears in her eyes and the bile in her throat back and tried to gather herself back together for what felt like the thousandth time that day. "What are you doing here?" She asks, the forces enthusiasm surprisingly realistic even to Faith's ears. Thankfully, he bought it.
"I missed you." He said as though that explained everything. "I love LA, and I can do a lot of good work there, but… I can't be away from you anymore, Faith. I need to be with you. You're worth more to me than the lights of La La Land. I'd rather being in Cleveland with you, than in LA without you."
Faith heard a loud crunch rumble through her chest and knew that was her heart giving out. If only it had been Buffy saying these things to her, and not Wood! Why can't the blonde have these kinds of feelings and emotions about her? Is she still not good enough? Trying to cover her now obvious emotion she chuckled wetly and asks him how her actually got there – as in on the roof, telling him it's always locked except for those few who have the keys.
Wood held up a single key on a lanyard that Faith knew had never belonged to him. She knew it; recognized it. It was Buffy's, dawn had made it for her.
"Buffy told me I might find you here!" he said happily, "She told me how much she loved hanging out up here with you; your special area to be Slayers together and …" He trailed off, hearing Faith actually sob at this. Knowing that he knew she was crying just made the damn break a little and a few tears spilled out from her eyes.
He leans in to hold her, to comfort her, but the idea of his touching her just now makes her want to cry harder so she pushes back until the backs of her legs his the edge of the roof. She looks over it, into the street below and realizes just how high up they are. The fall didn't look this high before… almost the exact height of the building she'd jumped off of after Buffy had stabbed her… History repeats, she guessed.
As she's remembering the fight between her a Buffy; one of epic and mythical proportions, how their jealousy, rage, anger, and also fear the other; she cought the end of what Wood had been saying as she'd zoned out.
" – gave it to me… said she wouldn't be needing it anymore." Faith's head snapped back to him at hearing this.
"What?" Faith demanded. Wood looked like a deer in the headlights.
"She told me she told you?"
"Told me what?" half accusing, half hesitant.
"Uhh… that she was… you know… leaving?" Faith's crest starts to feel like it's being crushed like a can, all the things, once vital inside it, being smashed and destroyed. She turned away from Wood, finally broken, the tears flowing now, all down her face, voice scared silent in her throat still, but unwilling to allow Wood to witness her when she's so exposed. It wasn't fair to him, to allow him to comfort her when she'd lost her lover, no matter how briefly that was what they were to each other.
"She said that, what with her leaving and my staying, that there was no need for her to keep it. Well, as long as I'd give it back if she ever visited." The tone was one of passive doubt; as though even he knew this was a kind of forever goodbye, that the blonde would be going for good. That there was nothing in Cleveland good enough to miss, so why bother to return? Faith shouldered started to shake with her increasingly violent sobs as they lost with will to leave her, as she forced them in.
Wood reached forward, pulling her into his chest, comforting her shaking form… or trying to, at least. But everything about him reminds her of who he isn't and could never be or even come close to in her heart. His height, his hard, un-giving body, his heavy guy-smell, it all spelled not Buffy in every corner of her brain. She pushed him away, hard, until he almost stumbled, now no longer crying, but angry; disgusted.
"What's wrong?" he asked, confused. Faith just, completely detonated.
"I can't do it." She grinds out, somewhere between anger and heartbreak, "I can't be with you anymore; I don't love you, and I know I never will because I don't think I can… I could never let myself."
"I know the distance had made things difficult, Faith, I expected that, but that's why I'm here now. I'm not leaving again, I'll be here for you now. I know that, if we just try harder, we can make this work!"
"I don't want to 'try again' or 'try harder', Wood! I don't want to be with you! I could never be with you! I just – "
"Faith, calm down! We just need to – "
"I slept with someone." She blurted loudly. Trying to get through to him, get past the haze he'd embedded himself in. He slammed to a stop mid-sentence and looked at her, cold. "While you were in La… I slept with someone." She said, her tone vague, and silently prayed that he didn't ask details because she couldn't hurt the person who'd finally loved her that much.
At first he looks murderous, more angry than she'd ever seen him, but then it seems to melt and soften, and she knows it's even worse than she expected. He'd really fallen for her. As much as a person could fall, and she knew how much it was going to hurt him when this all came out, eventually; because she was there right now. He chuckled.
"I can't blame you." He said, tone all forgiveness. "With all the time I've been gone, and as distant as we've been these last two weeks… I can't blame you for seeking some kind of comfort." Faith was shocked. "I asked a lot of you, and… I know you really didn't." Faith looks at him, confused.
"What? No, I – "
"Faith, it's okay." He reasons. "Even if you had, I know it wouldn't really be cheating; you didn't care for them but… I know that's not it." This she had to hear, "I know what this is. This is Anger. Buffy's leaving and you're upset and scared. You're set on destroying everything good in your life so you can go back to you isolationist ways to get back at her and everyone else for not telling you; for leaving you out again." Faith had to admit that, maybe it could look like that to him, but that really wasn't it!
"Wood, just – "
"I'll give you some time." He assured her loudly, interrupting, obviously done listening to her if she was going to keep insisting what he didn't want to hear. Faith had no idea what to do now. "I'll give you some space and a few days to think about things; but take my advice. Get over being angry. Because you should be spending this time with Buffy. Because it could be a long time before you see her again." And just like that she felt her heart ache once more, "I'm not giving up on us that easily." And with that he walked right back out the door.
Faith sank down onto the ledge again and tried to steady her breath again. She'd always known that if this ever came out it would get ugly and complicated; but this was a situation and scenario she'd never anticipated. As she took in the roof garden in the dim light from the door back down into the school, she tried not to think about how cold she suddenly felt. The wind had picked up, reminding her that even summer doesn't last forever. As the chilly air begins to whip wildly around her, she decided to take Wood's good advice, s mislead as it was. She would go find Buffy.
Taking a last look over her shoulder she looks at the greenery, or what's left of it. She notices that on her side of the roof ever herb, shrub, tree and blade of grass has withered and died, where as in the shoot time that Wood had spent there had brought his half back fighting.
As she closes the door she realizes that she'd be lucky to have him, his love, but she isn't ready to give up on her own yet.
( To Be Continued… in chapter four!)
-VixenRaign-
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