"Hi guys," Vernon said, talking to the people he had sculpted out of mashed potatoes. They were life-sized replicas of Raz, Lili, and Franke, sitting in their place.
"Vernon," Ford growled, "lunch doesn't start for 3 hours."
"I know," Vernon replied tiredly. "But I gotta save these seats for my pals. You know."
"No," Ford said, bluntly. "I don't know. Nobody else sits there, why are you so worried about someone else sitting there?"
"Because," Vernon said, "what if some random mary-sue character comes over and sits down and kills Lili and then wins over Raz's heart and he goes and saves her and they get all lovey-dovey and slobberkissy and then she does the same thing to every other male character in the game."
"Oh," Ford replied.
Lunchboarding
"Wow, hi everyone!" Came the voice of a ridiculously pretty all-powerful omniscient psychic girl.
"Leave," Vernon said, pulling a Glock. "You get your mary-sue self-insertion ass out of this place or I will shoot. Once to kill, once to REMOVE THE EVIDENCE."
"Okay," the girl said, sitting down next to Raz, making out on him. This, of course, is not the act of making out WITH someone, but rather, making out AT them. Explaining it would be impossible.
"Dubya tee eff?" Raz asked, confused.
Lili grabbed Vernon's glock, shooting the mary-sue to death.
"Effin mary-sues." Lili said.
"Yeah, totally," said the invincible and of course all-powerful beautiful zombie girl.
Lili proceeded to tie her to a wall and shove a thousand knives in her stomach.
Back In Time
"Today feels like tomorrow," Vernon sighed, shoving part of his mashed potato sculpture of Raz; which Raz had punched the head off after Lili touched; it up his nose.
"Maybe we can built a time machine," Franke said, sitting next to her mashed potato sculpture. "And then I can get the back in time and learn a grammars."
"Yeah," Raz said.
"Yep," Lili thought aloud. "We could go back in time and party with dinosaurs and making out and-"
Everyone stared at her. "Not with the dinosaurs!" Lili shouted, throwing her plate off the table, into the back of Maloof, who was now a cyborg from after being turned into machinery by the sentry droids. It shorted his personality circuits, as he stood up, grabbing the Lili mashed potato sculpture, and beating it to a puddle of mashed potatoes. The wet potatoey substance jammed his circuits, and he exploded.
"Christ!" Raz yelled, just for the heck of it. As if to underline this, as if to underline this was Stephen King's favorite phrase. As if to underline this, he wrote as if to underline this in a situation as if to underline this.
"Well," Raz thought aloud, because all the cool kids did, "let's go ride bicycles backwards up cliffs."
"Okay," Lili said.
And they did. They woke up, BACK IN TIME.
Esquire
A ringing came from the floor, as Raz reached from his hammock full of dirty laundry to pick up his phone. He accidentally picked up his dog, and put it back down. He picked up his phone, answering it. "Hello?" Raz asked.
"Yes, I'll come into work today," Raz replied, tired. He left his house, and headed over to the Kwik Stop.
Quickly, he realized he had just gone into the weirdest crossover ever, and woke up.
Breakfast Baking Battles
"Okay," Vernon mumbled, as everyone sat down for breakfast. "Now that we've gone back in time, we can do it again if the mission fails."
"Mission?" Franke inquired. Vernon, without warning, grabbed Franke by the shoulders, and made out on her face, then proceeding to run off and ride a bike backwards up a cliff.
Franke stood in a sort of joy-shock, like when your X-Box got sold for an X-Box 360 but Psychonauts was in the drive of the X-Box. Or when you just made the awesomest song ever in ACID Studio, and then the loop CD exploded in your drive. You still have the song, but bam - you went to make some popcorn and your CD drive is toasted, and you can't make any more songs.
Then everyone but Vernon forgot, because he went back in time.
Sounds Hot
"If you keep time travelling," Ford said, tying Vernon to his chair, "you will DESTROY THE GALAXY. Thus, I must keep you, and the secret couped up under your bum on this chair."
"Blast," Vernon said.
It was the third time today that it was the morning. Lili, Raz, and Franke were sitting at the table, taking turns trying to murder a cockroach with PSI blasts.
Without warning, Raz was shoved into a closet with Lili by Bobby Zilch. This feat was accomplished by first moving Franke, tipping over the table so that they stood up, pushing the table towards them so that they went flying into the closet door, with their exit blocked by the flipped table.
"This is stupid," Lili sighed. "Let's go build a bridge."
"A bridge of COMMUNISM!" Raz declared, lighting the table on fire. Unfortunately, this began a chain reaction which toasted the mess hall.
As everyone fled, Vernon hobbled away, tied to his chair. Meanwhile, Mechanical Maloof, missing a human brain, tried to eat the fire.
Hey Noobs
"Sup, noobs?" Bobby Zilch asked Raz, shoving him into a tree which fell over and tumbled into a ravine.
"What?" Raz asked. "Listen, I'm all up for pwning nubs," he shouted, shoving Bobby Zilch into a cabin, which exploded. Lili cried, screaming, "MY BOYFRIEND IS A NERD! HOW CAN YOU MAKE OUT ON A NERD?"
"Pwnt," Bobby Zilch said, through laughter.
The Untimely Death Of Raz
"That title looks ominous," Raz mumbled, knocking over the fourth wall. It was, in fact, ominous, as Raz was forced to eat 42 live lobsters. They clawed open his stomach and turned him into a zombie.
"Hey wait," Raz yelled to nobody in particular. "isn't this like Mashi's fic? Where they die? And that?"
"No," yelled a Combine soldier, as Raz was Headcrabbed.
"Still not original," Raz growled.
What Do We Do In Half-Life 2
"Outbreak outbreak outbreak!" Soldiers screamed, firing shots at the innocent campers, kicking over tables, throwing grenades. Mikhail disarmed a soldier, firing his gun quickly, ducking behind a ch
I HATE THIS PLOT
Comfortably Dumb
"Wow, if there was still a lunchroom, I would enjoy lunch," Vernon sighed, hopefully.
Just then, the Arfenhouse emerged from the ground. I was sued $4,500 for copyright infringement.
EMOGOTH PARTY
"Wow, every chapter seems to start with dialogue," Lili thought aloud, because, as I've said, it's cool. "Let's have an emogoth party."
"EMOGOTHS?" Raz asked. "That's downright tomfoolery."
"Shut it up," Chloe said. "I need to observe the Emogoth trend."
Raz thought a while, noticing Chloe and Lili standing next to eachother. It was oddly disturbing, almost like some completely unsupported, sick sick pairing, like FluffleNeCharka's stories, and she still can't get the fact that KarAniyuki is a guy who swears her as the devil, and the devil is bad, and this is quite the run-on sentence really, it just doesn't seem to end, going on and on and on.
Raz's train of thought exploded in the station.
LARGE CAPITAL LETTERS ATTRACT YOUR ATTENTION
"Christ," Raz thought aloud, proving just how cool he was. "It's finally night, after a nondescript period of time between the Combine invasion and the Emogoth party."
"Yeah," Vernon said. "Now we can all have a happy night and sleep peacefully."
"I don't think so," I yelled, kicking over the fourth wall with a bottle of MDX. "I'm bored as hell, I wanna play some Half-Life 2, and my mouth tastes like pee."
Just then, a meteor hit the camp. A meteor so large that it knocked Earth off course, into the sun.
Vernon Phantom
"See what happens when you eff around with the space-time continuum?" Vernon asked, hitting me in the face. "You suck at writing, you self-inserting romance-loving butt splash."
"Okay," I said.
Then the dam broke, and all our fishy ghosts drowned.