XXXXX
Samantha Carter slowed her pace as she neared the elevator. Now that she was almost at his office, she wasn't sure what she wanted to say. Daniel's death, or rather, ascension, had in many ways been a turning point in her relationship with her CO. Over the years, she had come to admire his leadership, courage, and tactical skills. She loved his sense of humor and marveled at his ability to use it to lighten the tension in a difficult situation. And then there was something else. An underlying something that could send her daydreaming - to a place she was not allowed to go. Thinking of Joe's comments about O'Neill not being able to talk about his feelings, about Sara, she thought back to the first couple of years, the first few missions. After Antarctica, she had been sure that he was still in love with his ex-wife. But as time went on, she had allowed herself to wonder. She thought of when they had been captive on Hathor's planet, of the then-Colonel having just come out of the freezing cryo-bath, she and he hugging each other fiercely, thankful they were both okay. Then the alternate reality version of herself who had been married to the Jack in her reality, and who had aroused unexpected feelings of jealousy. All culminating in the Zatarc incident, when they had both had to admit their feelings for each other, but then decided to leave it in that room. Then that terrible year, when Daniel...
Sam sighed as she pushed the call button for the elevator. Yeah, the year when she had started to see another side of Jack O'Neill - a cold, hard-hearted side that she didn't understand and didn't like. Thinking first of Alar - she would never forget watching the Colonel's face as the iris closed and hearing the thud of Alar hitting the shield. Then Reese, and the disagreement between the Colonel and Daniel. Then, Daniel had died, ascended, and when she needed an understanding shoulder to lean on, she had gotten the cold shoulder instead. She had assumed her CO had just swept it all aside, that he somehow didn't care. It had never occurred to her that maybe he was in even more pain than she.
"God, I miss Janet," she surprised herself by saying it out loud. She remembered the night, a couple days after Daniel's ascension, she had spent the evening at Janet's house, splitting a bottle of her favorite cognac, talking about Daniel, and the Colonel, crying their eyes out. She remembered what Janet had said to her then... And why was she even thinking about all this? She had Pete now, I'm engaged, she thought.
Where is that elevator?
She heard footsteps in the hall, and heard Daniel call, "Sam, wait up!"
She turned and smiled as he approached. Maybe she should put off this office call for just a bit.
"Daniel. Could we talk?"
"Sure. Ah, shall we go to your lab?"
"Yeah, good idea," she replied, as the elevator finally opened its doors.
When they arrived at her lab, Sam dropped tiredly onto a stool by the lab table. Daniel took a nearby chair.
"So -" Daniel drawled.
"So, I think, maybe, I made a big mistake a long time ago, and it's just gotten bigger since." She looked at Daniel, who said nothing but raised his eyebrows. "Daniel, how can I have known Col- General O'Neill for so long, and been so wrong about him? What he was feeling when -" her voice cracked and she looked away.
"When I ascended," Daniel finished for her. He rose and went to stand next to her. "Apparently, you weren't the only one to underestimate Jack's feelings. But then, he is the master of hiding them." Daniel looked away from her, glancing around the room. "You know, when I first met Jack, and that was right after Charlie, I mean right after Charlie," he emphasized, "I had no idea he was grieving. He seemed like a cold-hearted bastard; what I thought was the quintessential career soldier." He flashed an embarrassed little smile at Sam for that one, and she smiled back hearing her own thoughts echoed back at her, ignoring Daniel's derogatory "career soldier" remark.
Daniel grew serious again. "I had no idea," he repeated, "that he was so deep in grief and, in fact, the man was suicidal. Looking back, I mean, knowing Jack as I know him now, I don't know how he was functioning at all." Daniel shuddered.
"So you missed it, too."
"Missed seeing the grief, his pain? Yeah, totally," Daniel looked down at his hands, then took a nervous glance around the room before turning back to Sam. "But it's all ancient history now. Don't beat yourself up over it, Sam."
"Oh, God," she chewed her bottom lip, thinking. "Janet warned me back then. Said 'Everybody grieves differently.' But I insisted to her that he didn't care at all. Daniel, things changed after that. My whole attitude towards him changed."
They both lapsed into quiet pensiveness until Daniel spoke slowly. "Your attitude?" his voice growing softer, "or your heart?"
Her head jerked up at his question. For some reason, her chest seemed to tighten, and she didn't think she could breathe. She couldn't answer him, couldn't admit anything.
Daniel continued, still soft, "So that was why, when Pete came along -"
Her heart was pounding. She couldn't speak.
"-you had convinced yourself he didn't care."
"Daniel stop!" she jumped up from her seat and moved away. "Don't go there; just don't!"
He didn't reply. Just looked at her, considering. What should he tell her? That he, Teal'c and Janet had all known for a long time that she and Jack had feelings for each other? That the day she had announced her engagement, Jack had been in a foul mood the rest of the day? Daniel remembered he had decided to stick around him that day just in case, and had even talked him into leaving early, supposedly to go to dinner. Daniel had ended up the evening driving Jack, who had drunk most of his "dinner," home, keeping one eye on his friend who sat doubled over with his head in his hands the entire way. And Daniel had never asked, never tried to get him to talk, because he knew Jack would never admit to anything, and would never interfere or say anything to Sam that might cause her to be unhappy.
Deciding he had probably said enough to Sam already, Daniel remained silent. Watching her, she seemed to be blinking rather rapidly. "Look, ah, I think you probably need to think about some things, and I, ah, really ought... I better get going."
"Thanks, Daniel," Sam said, squeezing his arm. "I guess I better get back to work."
"Yeah, that," Daniel turned and left the lab. Once in the hall, he changed course and headed for the elevator. He figured maybe Jack needed a "heads-up."
XXXXX
Jack O'Neill had just returned from the last team briefing of the day, settling down to a couple hours of paper signing and report reading when he was interrupted by a knock at the door. He looked up to see Daniel standing there, his arms crossed across his chest - never a good sign.
"Daniel? What is it?"
"I just came from a meeting with Joe Spencer - you know, continuing that report - "
"And?" O'Neill asked, tapping one end of his pen against the report in front of him.
"And we were discussing, you know, my ascension..."
"And?" O'Neill waived his hand toward Daniel, motioning for him to just come out with it.
"I just wanted to say, well, thanks for your help. I know it wasn't easy for you."
Jack regarded him, quit tapping the pen, laying it down on the folder.
"It's okay, Daniel. I understood."
"Yeah," Daniel studied his shoes for a moment. "And I guess I should tell you, Sam was there, at the meeting, and she's rather upset."
"Upset?"
"Not with us; not with you. I think she thinks she gave you too hard a time. Back then."
O'Neill quirked an eyebrow, but didn't reply.
"Anyway," Daniel continued, "just thought you should know - in case she comes by."
"All right; consider me forewarned," O'Neill regarded his friend a moment. "Thanks, Daniel." As Daniel nodded and turned to go, he continued, "and I'm really glad you came back."
Daniel stopped, turned halfway back to Jack and smiled, then left. O'Neill watched him go, picking up the pen and resuming the tapping while he considered a moment, then turned his attention back to the reports with a sigh.