Chapter 3: And they try to come to terms with their past.
"They are different, but not different enough to matter ---
like the maple leaves off the tree in my yard, when all I want to do is rake them up."
- Roald Hoffmann, 1981 Nobel Laureate in Chemistry (The Same and Not the Same)
Glossary:
Haori - coat worn over kimono
Hakama - pleated pants
Onsens - natural hot springs
Yokatta - I'm glad/relieved to hear/know that!
"Don't you feel hot?"
He did not reply, although he knew that she was discreetly glancing at his kimono.
"Are you thirsty?"
He continued to walk ahead, firmly and purposefully ignoring her presence; for this was what he would have done with Rin.
"I need to rest," Kagome let out a soft sigh and stopped while she tried to wipe off the sticky moisture on her forehead using her torn sleeves.
Sesshoumaru paused in his tracks, but did not turn nor nod his head. She looked at his still back for a full minute, wondering if he was contemplating her suggestion or checking for nearby danger when a random thought popped into her head. That if he was Inuyasha, she would have screamed, shouted, complained or 'osuwari'-ed him then for a faster reaction.
"Can we rest for a while? I'll go get some water for us," Kagome pleaded. She was no longer the young miko who could walk non-stop with the energy-laden hanyou; besides, Sesshoumaru did not carry her on his back.
His lips thinned a little, feeling a little annoyed at her suggestion and also at his own worn-out body. He could feel that his human legs needed a rest, but the knowledge of it did not help with his bruised self-esteem at all. Sesshoumaru quietly retreated to a shady spot under a big cedar tree and closed his eyes.
She stared at him for a good minute, with her lips half-screwed up and resorted to blowing her bangs to let out her frustration.
She used to do that when she was younger and irritated at Inuyasha; no harm doing it again. She wanted to yell at him, for being such a bad companion; wanted to complain, about the sticky humid weather, about his enforced silence, about all the old memories rolling and churning in her head. But all the words simply died in her throat, because at the same time, she did not really want to do it either.
Not now. No, not anymore.
Kagome blew her bangs again while she laid down her bow and arrows; what did she expect from him anyway?
They tried to kill each other, afterall, in the past; many things happened in the days of yore.
Her much-treasured and fond memories washed over her feet like the ever-constant gentle tides changing with the inconstant moon.
In the past, Inuyasha was beside her, always complaining about her frequent trips to onsens and stealing her snacks and ramen.
In the past, Sango and Miroku were her best and strongest friends, and Shippou was a cute, sly kid who loved Pocky more than the jewel.
In the past, Naraku was the one of the reasons why she constantly traveled back to Sengoku Jidai, and who was subsequently defeated by her friends.
In the past, she was also labeled as Kikyou's reincarnation, the one who could purify and later shattered the Shikon no Tama.
In the past... she was everything but now.
Kagome wanted to weep at all the re-opened, old wounds that were slowly appearing all over her battered, crumbling soul. And now the much-hated, habitual memories rose up to her waist; she could almost feel her legs giving way under the pressure of the waters, heartache, desolation and agony.
"We don't have much time," Sesshoumaru did not want to know what was going in her crazed mind while she stood there like a deserted, struggling willow tree hanging precariously over a dead, flooded river.
And only the waters disappeared with the blink of her eye.
"I'll come back soon," she gave herself a mental shake, turned away and lifted her socked feet-
Oh how heavy they felt!
Kagome paid no heed to them and walked on.
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He watched her trudge through imaginary mud-filled ground and let out a light sigh that rivaled the leaves' spreading over his head.
He was not sure whether bringing her along was a bad idea, and whether letting her follow him was a good idea; for the good of both of them.
Sesshoumaru blinked away the perspiration that were threatening to cloud his vision, and cursed himself again. He was never much affected by the heat, nor the cold, nor fatigue, sickness, danger, worries, guilt, anguish, grief, torment-
Oh how heavy they felt!
He balled his fists, and cursed again because they did not feel as tight and packed as before.
Once, he was a taiyoukai, who could wield both Toukijin and Tenseiga and was revered by that alone.
Once, he had a legion of supporters and followers, and had a kappa-youkai as his ever-faithful retainer.
Once, he accidentally saved a little human girl, who followed him as long as she could, until she ended up as food for wolves again.
Once, he had a heart which did not seem alive and then, his heart started to resume its beats for the long dead her.
Once... he was everything but now.
Sesshoumaru squeezed his eyes shut and took in a deep breath. He could smell the after-effects of last night's storm, the rusty scent of squishy mud, the fresh green leaves, and the dry hot smells of summer breezing around the woods. He used to be able to smell others; humans and youkai alike, and their fear, excitement and whether their intentions were of ally or of foe.
He was still trying to accept the truth, to make the best out of his wasting body, and to do whatever he can for both her and himself.
For there was only so much time for both of them, and it was fast running out. He figured that he only had about thirty or forty years left before his body gave way, although his soul would not, unless he managed to return to his true state.
If.
And until then, he would remain as a wicked, useless and slowly-decaying man who couldn't even fend off some pathetic wolves.
Perhaps, he should not have allowed her to follow him. Or perhaps, he should have killed her back then.
"Ahhh!"
His eyes flew open at that faraway, echoed scream.
Sesshoumaru got to his feet as fast as he could, unsheathed the now dulled Tenseiga, picked up her creaky bow and quiver, and ran as fast as he could to Kagome.
As he dashed past scratchy grasses and stumbled over not-too-small stones under the merciless sun, he cursed himself and her for being so stupid and naive and trusting in this danger-infested environment. It was definitely a good idea to bring her along with him; who knew what would have happened if he left her all alone by herself!
Warning bells rang in his head, loud and clear that he might get himself into danger if he went to her rescue. And if luck was not on their side, they might end up as food for some hungry or power-deprived youkai.
But Sesshoumaru paid no heed to them, for he was now a human and acting beyond such reasoning barricades was normal.
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He skidded to a muddy stop when he saw a half-translucent, almost-shapeless form hovering and wavering slightly in the middle of the lake. She was caught in what seemed like slimy, tentacle-like hands and the senseless youkai was maniacally swinging her around like some newfound toy.
Amusedly, he noted that the sun's rays still passed through the water-youkai and the light and droplets of water glistened on her hair like pretty, multi-coloured jewels. Also, he could see through everything underneath her white miko haori, which was... interesting.
"Waaaah!"
Kagome let out another terrified scream as the water-youkai began to sink back into its home; the rapid descent was making her giddy and nauseous and disorientated. At the same time, she was wondering whether he would save her, and if that was not the intention, why was he there?
Because she said that he needed her?
"Sesshoumaru!" Kagome could not take it anymore, and screamed for all that she was worth before water swam in her eyes.
Without thinking (which was not his old self at all), he threw away her bow and quiver (for they would not work in water), took the biggest breath he could and dived into the water with his boots on.
Then, he swam and swam to the water-youkai which was now dirty green in colour and very conspicuous- and disgusting-looking. In his part-blurred vision, Sesshoumaru could identify two puny horns above its monstrously-large, oversized head with a large gaping teeth-less mouth.
"Good, she won't feel pain if she's being eaten then," he blinked and for the first time in his life, cursed himself for wearing a kimono.
Kagome could see him, with his long, dark brown hair floating around his long, white body coming towards her and for a moment, her heart leapt with joy. Until the lax grip around her waist suddenly tightened and she was yanked back forcefully like a tethered horse.
It was then they started to wonder how the rescue mission was going to be accomplished.
He let out a stream of bubbles through his nostrils and started to hack at the ugly, green monster with Tenseiga as much as he could. But it did not seem to work and small mouths with ferocious-looking sharp teeth started to appear at the place where Tenseiga had touched. The water-youkai was truly a dim-witted one, for it did not move away and neither did it attack him. It merely stood its place and held onto its prisoner tightly, as if what was happening before his very eyes was a very interesting show that he shouldn't miss.
So Sesshoumaru continued to hack at its legs, and thanked whatever god he could remember for his big lungs and hacked again.
One, two, three-
Kagome's struggling ceased.
Four, five, six-
Her eyes started to close.
Seven, eight, nine-
Almost no bubbles were coming out from her mouth or nose anymore.
Sesshoumaru started to panic (oh what a wonderful oxygen-depriving agent!) at the number of angry teethy mouths that appeared, for they seem to grow bigger and serpent-like tongues were beginning to snake their way out from them. He lifted Tenseiga while he raised his head and looked at her.
Kagome was not moving, at all.
And in a moment of desperation and frustration and anger, he let out a miffed, growl-like shout which sounded like bubbling to his ears, and swiped Tenseiga at nowhere.
The sword glowed like never before, and before he knew it, the waters parted from the tip of Tenseiga and swirled around him like some big blasted tornado. Mist were spurting out from the tornado and when he blinked again, Kagome was lying motionlessly in the middle of the dried-out bottom. He ran to her, Oh how light his feet felt, picked her up and the moment her head rested on his shoulder, the concentric wall of waters crashed down and they bobbed.
Up and up until both of them surfaced and Sesshoumaru swam as fast as he could back to the shore. He did not want to look back, for there was no looking back anymore, and focused on the nice, green grasses even though he could hear angry, water-like shrieks behind him.
By the time he heaved himself and her heavy body onto the dry ground, he was panting like a mad, worn-out dog and she was not breathing.
Her skin looked as white as his kimono and her lips were as pale as the morning light. He pushed away the wet chunks of hair that was splayed across her death-like face and slapped her cheeks hard.
No response.
He bent down and placed his ears over her chest; he could hear the soft beating of her heart, like that of a newborn bird. Sesshoumaru smiled a little and flipped her body over his thigh like a dead fish. Using the sheath of Tenseiga, he took aim and whacked hard on her back.
On the third attempt, Kagome regained her consciousness and with mysterious back pain, she coughed and retched and vomited.
After spewing out clear lake water on the fourth vomit, she clung onto his trembling thigh for a full minute as she tried to catch her ragged breath.
His eyebrow quirked up when he realized that she had no intention to move her body away from him; so he let out a loud cough.
She blearily looked up, and as her vision focused, she thought that Sesshoumaru was rather good looking in his human form too. But he had this indescribable look on his face which seemed irritated and relieved at the same time, and she was not sure whether she had been saved by him or not.
"Did you... save me?"
Sesshoumaru decided that being a human, he would get to experience many 'first-times'. One of them being now; he felt like banging his head against that particular tree in front of him which seemed rather sturdy-looking. Of course common sense prevailed and he simply let her slip onto the wild grass while he stood up and tried to shake off the water that were dripping off the ends of his heavy and creased kimono.
As Kagome's chin jarred against the not-too-soft mud ground, she scowled, "You!"
He turned around, ignored her murderous stare and took off his wet, clingy kimono.
She was not unfamiliar to seeing naked men; in fact, she rather lying over their backs because they were so wide, so warm and so firm that it gave her a sense of security and consolation that they could not see her face. Sometimes, she would zone out and fall asleep on their backs, dreaming of her beloved being killed and his blood splattered all over the walls of her nightmares. Sometimes, she would bury her face into the hollow in between their shoulder-blades and wonder if Inuyasha's back felt like theirs.
Most of the time, they would ask to see her again, either for the sex or for her impossible love, and she would always turn them down.
And so, because this was Sesshoumaru, his elder half-brother, and she was still in her miko garb, the once unsullied outfit, Kagome instantly sat up and turned her scarred back towards him.
"I'm still here!"
"So?" He retorted snidely, and draped his kimono over one of the lowest branches.
She looked up as droplets of water from his kimono hit against her forehead like bullets.
Kagome sighed as she stood, wrung the water out from his kimono, re-drape it over the branch and folded her arms while he was knee-deep in the lake.
"Wouldn't the youkai in the lake come after you?"
He didn't bother to turn his head, (in which she assumed that he hated to look at her) and replied blankly while he tried to stab at swimming fishes with Tenseiga, "It's only interested in females."
Her lips formed an "O"; she didn't know that. But of course, he'd lived for centuries before she was even born.
"Get a fire going instead of standing there looking at me like an idiot."
She thought that was the longest string of words that ever came out from his mouth throughout these two weeks, and secretly smiled to herself.
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He smiled a little, but he knew that she could not see under the cloak of midnight. And that was one of the reasons why he loved the sunless time, for it was as dark as his inner mind and nobody could see the worms crawling out from his heart. The blanket of stars above his head was a temporary shelter of relief until dawn comes, until the sun rises and the beast inside him would retreat.
Even though now that he has obtained a human body, he still could not get rid of the parasites that were feeding away on his soul. Sometimes he thinks that those unsightly, leeching creatures are part of him, and sometimes he wondered whether he should gouge his eyes out so that he would never see the light again.
The light of Truth that was being forced into a pinhole-like container that sears and incises at his bleeding, penitent heart like an ancient, trenchant blade.
"What do I do for a living?" She repeated his question because she was not sure whether she had heard correctly; it was also his first question for her.
He nodded, and thought that under the cold, wane moonlight, her skin gave off a very pretty yet soft radiance. Very velvety-looking too.
"I sell books. I have a shop, near my house where I sell books."
He wondered how the bridge of her small nose would feel under his human finger, Skeletal and cutting, perhaps? "Books?"
She wrapped her arms around herself, because even during summer, the nights were still a little chilly. "All kinds, most of them are stories for children. So the majority of my customers are mothers and young students."
Sesshoumaru nodded silently; he wondered what kind of story he could say to his descendants, if he had any. Would he speak of his nobility-given glory, recount tales of his majestic victories and fierce battles, or confess to the weight of his sins and loneliness that he quietly carried on his shoulders?
Kagome twirled a little dandelion between her fingers, "Sometimes, I hold story-telling competitions. Sometimes, I tell stories to children."
"Do you like it?" He asked quietly; he thought of the times that Rin had asked for a story and how he would instruct her on survival skills instead. He could not remember whether his own mother had told a story to him, but it did not matter. He turned out alright; strong-minded enough to be presented to the world as the eldest borne of the strongest youkai, formidable enough to eliminate his shameful hanyou-brother, and tenacious enough to withstand the elements of Nature.
Sesshoumaru mentally sighed; Time and Decay were never his enemies until now.
Kagome was a little stunned at his question, even though she had sort of expected it. It was the same question that her grandfather, mother and Souta had asked before too. Her friends did not understand why she would be happy owning and managing a small bookstore at the corner of a not-busy street when she had a degree in Marketing. But of course, she never could really give them a satisfactory answer.
"Hmm... I like to see the expression on their faces, especially when the happy-ever-after ending comes. But when they leave the shop..."
She blew gently at the dandelion, and hundreds of soft white pins began to fly away and dance in the skies without a care like children.
"It's over. The happiness that I feel, goes with them when they leave my shop and return to their mothers."
Both of them remained silent for a long, long while, until he plucked off another dandelion, and wondered again whether her hair would be as soft as this.
"There is no such thing as a good ending."
She wearily nodded.
"But, there is no such thing as a bad ending too."
She turned her face to him; and thought he looked so utterly fragile and deluded that she wanted to hug him and tell him that whether the endings to their lives were good or bad, it did not really matter as long as they tried their best. But because she herself did not believe in such fallacies, she bit her tongue and wondered whether he could see the end of his time.
Sesshoumaru blew at the head of the dandelion and looked into her eyes, "One shouldn't base his or her happiness on such."
Kagome looked away, for even though his gaze was soft and sad and yielding, it was piercing and straining and strong at the same time too. It made her uncomfortable, naked; and she realized that even a human Sesshoumaru could never be Inuyasha to her.
"You seem to prefer night-time," she asked because he looked more at ease now and she wanted to switch topics.
He nodded with only one corner of his lip twisted up, "Ah."
She crushed another dandelion with the other free hand, "Me too," because it covers the secrets of my dark past.
He ran his tongue across his lower lip and continued without prompting, "The light is softer at night. Everything looks prettier, including you."
She wanted to scowl at his miserably-tried humour, "Thank you."
He threw his next question without prompting nor hesitation, "Why did you leave your friends and him?"
She responded back with her own, "Why... why did you save me?"
He wanted to laugh out loud at her question. Why indeed!
He moved to sit beside her, because he wanted to and he knew that she yearned for it too. Kagome did not move and stilled herself while her breathing slowed down to a near-impossible pace, for fear that he might hear the thumping of her heart.
"Why? That is a good question," Sesshoumaru went over to cover her right hand which was tightly clutching at the red fabric of her hakama. It felt cold, and because she did not flinch, he loosened her grip and wrapped his warmer one around her smaller hand.
"Because you said that I needed you?" His voice sounded so rich, so resonant that it echoed everything that was turning in her head.
And at that, tears rose to her eyes so easily that she felt a little betrayed by her emotions and her tear-glands. She silently cried for a while and when she felt that her voice didn't sound too shaky, she asked again.
"Are you comforting me?" She felt like a little girl of eight; her dad used to hold her hand like that as they sat gaily on the roof of her shrine house gazing at the unresponsive and faraway moon.
Sesshoumaru's eyes narrowed for a while, and thought of many, incomprehensible things while she waited for his answer.
"Hn, although I'm not Inuyasha."
And Kagome gave a wide, puppy-like smile at his answer, I'm not Rin too, "Yokatta!"
She no longer wanted to know why the well had opened up.
To all who reviewed, thank you soooooo much! And yes, writing a human Sesshoumaru was inspired by the deviant art drawn by Lady Shieru. Do check out her pics, they are awesome. :)
A possible limey section in coming chapter 4. To those who are waiting for update to Ten Thousand Cranes, you might have to wait a little longer, hee!