I apologize for Haley's excessive crying..it's just the way I write her and I toned it down here I guess. But I just want to warn you, this chapter is going to get heavy and a little graphic. Just want to warn you.
Haley slammed her locker door shut after she threw her last book in there. It was almost time for winter break and she just needed to survive today and tomorrow and then she'd be out of school for a few weeks.
She finally accepted Brooke's decision to stay in Chapel Hill and let go of the resentment she had towards her. But for a few weeks, their daily phone calls diminished and when they did speak, silence took place in most of the conversation.
"Forget it," Haley mumbled, as the bell rang, signaling the start of 3rd period. Last year she never dreamed of skipping a class, let alone the whole day, but her attitude towards school changed. She did exactly what Taylor predicted; she shut everyone out despite Peyton's attempt to get her to change her attitude.
Grabbing her bag off the floor, she headed towards the opposite end of her classroom and stopped short when she heard her name being called by none other than Peyton Sawyer. Jake was trailing right behind her and she couldn't help but roll her eyes.
"Haley, what are you doing?" Peyton asked, her eyebrows raised in wonder and slight astonishment. "Your history class is that way," she said, pointing behind her with her thumb. Jake nodded and tried to hold in his sigh, he had seen Haley run out of school a couple times last week.
"I'm going home," Haley answered simply, giving them a small wave and turning around on her heel, groaning when she felt a tug on her arm.
"I don't think so," Peyton told her, attempting to pull her towards her classroom. She was trying her best to keep Haley in tact, but her negative attitude was getting unbearable. "Hales, you can't skip, you have a midterm."
"Peyton let me go," Haley hissed, pulling her arm free and placing it down on her side. "Leave me alone, okay? I don't care what Brooke or Taylor asked you to do, but ignore what they said and just leave me the hell alone. I don't need anyone, I'm fine by myself."
Peyton and Jake watched as Haley took off down the hall, not bothering to look back at them once. "Don't," Jake whispered, grabbing Peyton's arm when she took a step forward to go after the brunette. "Just leave her alone, Peyton, there's nothing you can do."
"She's falling apart, Jake," Peyton whispered, her voice on the verge of cracking. "And we're just sitting here watching her break."
Jake sighed and gently rubbed his girlfriend's shoulders. "Someday, Brooke will come to her senses and get her ass back home. And if it isn't soon, you and I will take a road trip to Chapel Hill and drag her back. You in?"
"I'm in," Peyton said with a light laugh, placing a kiss on his lips. "But for now we have to get to class, we're already 10 minutes late."
xxxx
Haley sat in front of the TV in her pajamas, glad to be home rather than suffering in history class. When she got home, Taylor was gone and she was hoping she wouldn't come back until after she was really supposed to get out of school.
She flicked on the channels and finally settled on a soap opera, at least the drama and tragedy in her life wasn't as bad as some of the characters on the Young and the Restless.
"Oh, get over it," she said out loud, digging her spoon into the pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream sitting in her lap. "He's gone and never coming back." She sighed and glanced at the picture of her and Brooke on the end table and bit her lip, thinking what it would be like if she was here.
Her heart skipped a beat as she heard the keys in the door jingle and the door come open, Taylor walking with Ben in tow. The two had been dating ever since the first date they had after they met at the beach. Haley liked Ben and thought he was a good guy, especially for Taylor.
"Um," Taylor blinked, trying to register why Haley was sitting on the couch. "What are you doing home?" She threw the keys in front of the picture and took her coat off, hanging it up next to Ben's on the rack. "Are you feeling okay?"
"Yep," Haley simply answered, placing another spoonful of ice cream into her mouth, relaxing again. "I didn't feel like going to school anymore so I came home."
"That's not good," Ben told her, exchanging a worried look with Taylor. Haley shrugged and kept her eyes on the TV. "How come you didn't feel like going anymore?"
"I just didn't, okay?" Haley snapped, receiving a glare from Taylor. "God, what is this, 21 questions?"
"It will be if you don't tell me why your ass isn't in school," Taylor said harshly, shutting off the TV, ignoring the protests from Haley. "This isn't like you to skip school, Haley, what's going on with you?"
"Nothing," Haley protested, standing up to her feet and putting the lid on the ice cream carton. She groaned when the couple followed her into the kitchen, hot on her heels. She threw the ice cream in the freezer and slammed the door shut, turning around only to have Taylor in her face. "A little close there, aren't we, Taylor?"
"What the hell is your problem?" Taylor asked, throwing her arms up in frustration. She was doing everything in her power to stop herself from reaching over and strangling her younger sister. "Ben," she sighed, turning around to face her boyfriend. "Can you give me some time alone with Haley?"
"Sure," he smiled and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "I have to get back to work anyways."
"Have fun," Haley called out after him, smirking as Taylor sent another glare towards her. "So, what do you want to do? We have the whole day to ourselves."
"You're going back to school," Taylor told her, "go upstairs and change back into your clothes, no, you know what? You can just go like that, I really don't care as long as your butt stays in school until you're supposed to get out."
Haley rolled her eyes and walked away, completely ignoring her sister all together. Taylor groaned and grabbed the phone, hastily dialing Brooke's number. She just hoped Brooke was at lunch and would answer.
"Hello?"
"I have a bone to pick with you, little sister," Taylor snapped, peering into the living room and watching Haley sit back down on the couch, flicking through the TV channels.
"What?" Brooke asked, after a minute of trying to figure out who was on the other line. "Taylor, I'm at school, can I call you back later?"
"Fine, just tell Haley she needs to go back to school before I kill her," Taylor told her seriously, drumming her fingers on the counter behind her.
"She's not in school?" Brooke asked incredulously, finding it hard to believe that Haley would skip school. "Haley doesn't skip school," she yelled over the noise in the cafeteria, "it's not like her."
"She does now," Taylor snipped, walking into the living room and shutting the TV off again. "Someone wants to talk to you," she said to Haley, shoving the phone into her hands and standing in front of her with her hands on her hips.
"Hello?" Haley asked, wondering where all the noise was coming from in the background. She watched as Taylor began to tap her foot out of impatience and motioned for her to stop so she could hear.
"Why aren't you in school?" Brooke asked, in disbelief that it was actually true. She got up from her seat and walked out of the café, breathing a sigh of relief that she could actually hear now.
Haley rolled her eyes and paused before answering the question. "I didn't want to be there anymore, so I thought I'd pull an old school Brooke and skip the rest of the day, what's wrong with that?"
"That's not good," Brooke told her with a sigh, moving away from the café entrance when people started to come out.
"Brooke, are you going to class?" Haley heard a female voice say.
"Yeah in a few minutes, I'm just talking to my little sister," Brooke said to the unrecognizable voice.
"You have a sister?" The girl questioned in confusion, making Haley laugh bitterly. Brooke nodded her head and motioned for the girl to away, slumping against the wall when she was alone again.
"Well that's great," Haley said bitterly, rolling her eyes. "You've been there for a while and they didn't know you had a sister? That's wonderful, Brooke, I'm really glad your new friends know you."
Brooke bit her lip and listened to the bell rang, debating whether or not to go to class or stay on the phone with a now very pissed off Haley. "Baby, I wanted to tell them, but then they would ask questions. No one knows me here, and you know how great it is? No one knows about Mom and Dad or Lucas and Theresa or-"
"Or me and Taylor," Haley finished harshly, ready to hang up any second. "Brooke, do you know what tomorrow is?" She asked in a whisper, dreading the school day ahead of her and the wrath of Taylor she was going to face once she hung up the phone.
"Of course," Brooke whispered back, trying to fight the tears that were forming in her eyes. She felt bad for not being there for Haley's birthday and Christmas even, but there was no possible way she could get home in time. "Listen, about tomorrow…"
"You're not coming home?" Haley asked in shock, collapsing down on the couch. She stared up at the ceiling and sighed heavily. "It's my birthday."
"I know it is," Brooke said sadly, running her hand through her hair and placing her hand on the top of her head. "But, it's just too much for me to come back, I am so sorry. I would if I could, but I have a huge project due after break and I need to get together with a few other people in the group. Haley, I really want to be there, but I can't, I just can't."
"Whatever," Haley snapped, "have a nice life," she finished bitterly, not bothering for Brooke's response. She hung up the phone and threw it across the room, ignoring the look on Taylor's face.
Taylor sighed and sat down on the edge of the couch, noticing the upset look on her sister's face. "What's wrong?"
"Forget it," Haley whispered, getting off the couch and walking up the stairs, leaving her sister dumbfounded and worried.
xxxx
She stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, almost daring it to speak to her. Her life was hard enough and with Brooke not coming home for her birthday was just the tip of the iceberg. Brooke wasn't coming back, she was never coming back and that was something Haley had to deal with.
"Damn it," She muttered, rolling up her left sleeve and staring down at her arm. And there the were. The scars, the tiny white scars that defaced her inner and upper arm. The scars that played a role in who she was today, the scars that reminded her how horrible her life was.
"Cut," The voice inside Haley's head hissed, begging to be kissed by the razor blade. "You're worthless; no one wants you around anyways." She quickly splashed her face with cold water and tried to drown out the voice, thinking back to the time when she first cut, weeks after her parents died.
The blood rushed down her arm and Haley let out a loud gasp. She didn't know it was going to be this bad. She quickly grabbed the towel and pressed it against the wound, hoping the bleeding would suffice.
She didn't mean to cut her arm, just the thoughts of her parent's took over and she let the razor dance around her arm before she made a small incision just beneath her wrist.
"Ow," she whimpered, taking a deep breath and letting out a sigh of relief when the bleeding had stopped. She quickly threw the towel in the hamper and rolled her sleeve down so the cut was covered up.
Down the hall, she could hear Brooke and Theresa laughing about whatever they were talking about. No one else was home and Brooke was the only one she could talk to about it, Brooke would help her through it with ease.
"Brooke?" Haley whispered, knocking on the doorframe and self-consciously tugging at her sleeve. "Can I talk to you?"
Brooke exchanged a look with Theresa and threw down the magazine she was currently flipping through. "Can it wait, Tutor Girl? I'm busy and I don't have time to listen to your problems."
"But, I really need to talk to you. I did something stupid," Haley told her, on the verge of tears. Brooke had become cold and distant a few days after the funeral and she was hoping this phase would soon pass.
"Well that's your own fault," Brooke hissed, getting up from the bed and grabbing Haley by the wrist, sending an enormous amount of pain through Haley's body. "Tell it to someone who cares."
Haley couldn't take it anymore, she grabbed the razor and cut over one of her old scars, slumping to the floor and resting her head against the wall. She felt the blood ooze out of the wound and trickle down her arm and onto the white tiled floor. But she didn't care, she didn't care anymore and was going to sit in the bathroom all night.
Her face showed no emotion whatsoever, she was so used to the pain and stinging sensation that it gave her a rush, it numbed the pain she felt. Haley sighed and watched the blood ooze down her arm, leaving her in a trance like state.
Outside the door, Taylor was hoping to find Haley in there. She wasn't in her room and Taylor hadn't seen her all afternoon since the phone call with Brooke. "Hay, are you in here?" She called out before opening the door, "Haley? Oh my god," she gasped, when she saw Haley slumped in the corner, blood dripping down her arm.
"Jesus, what happened?" Taylor asked, rushing over to Haley's side and examining the wound where the blood was coming from.
Haley looked up at her sister with lost eyes, as if she didn't know where she was. "She's not coming home, Taylor," she whispered, feeling her arm collapse onto her stomach, staining her shirt red.
"Who's not coming home?"
"Brooke, she's not coming home for my birthday, she's never coming home." Haley told her, her voice devoid of any emotion. Taylor tried her best not to panic, but it was getting too much too handle when the bottom of her sister's yellow shirt turned red.
"Okay, we need to get you cleaned up," Taylor said, ignoring Haley's statement. "Up you go," she said, hoisting Haley to her feet and carefully leading her over to the toilet seat and gently sitting her down. "Sweetie, why did you do this?"
Haley shrugged and bit her lip when Taylor began to clean the wound with a wet towel, gently dabbing it in hopes to stop the blood. "It stops the pain."
Taylor ignored her and proceeded to clean it up, eyeing the red stained floor over in the corner every now and then. "Oh no, no, honey, it's bad, it doesn't stop the pain."
"It does," Haley sniffled, pulling her now bandaged arm towards her. "It numbs the pain."
Taylor sighed and gently lifted Haley to her feet, wrapping her arm around her sister's waist and pulling her close to her. "I think you're better off going to bed," she told her, sitting her down on the edge of the bed. "I need to change your clothes first."
"They're fine," Haley told her, crossing her arms over her blood stained shirt and turning away. Taylor shook her head and pulled out some clean ones from the drawers.
"They are not fine," Taylor hissed, throwing the clothes down on the bed, wondering why Haley was making such a big deal about this. "Lift your arms up."
"No," Haley told her, falling onto the bed and rolling onto her onto her good arm.
"Haley, what are you hiding?" Taylor asked, all emotions running through her veins. When Haley didn't respond, Taylor took a deep breath, trying hard not to lose control. "Tell me you don't, tell me you didn't."
Haley lay still before sitting up and standing on the floor, a few feet away from Taylor. "What do you want me to tell you, Taylor? Huh?" She yelled, making Taylor back away from her. "Is this what you want to see?" Haley yelled louder, lifting up her bloodied shirt, revealing three cuts like the one on her wrist on her abdomen. "Are you happy?"
Taylor stared at the cuts, thinking back to the day when she saw one just like it when Haley showed her where the bruise used to be. "You, you told me a cat scratched you when I asked you about it in the summer."
"Yeah, well I lied," Haley snapped, throwing the shirt over her head and placing the new on one.
"How long has this been going on?" Taylor asked, watching Haley sit down on the bed. "I, I can't believe you would do something like this. Haley, honey, why?"
Haley's began to breathe heavily and threw her hands up in the air, searching for the answer to the question posed. "I really can't tell you why. I just did it one day a few weeks after mom and dad died and I kept doing it."
"Whoa, 5 years?" Taylor asked in shock, "Haley, you've been cutting yourself for 5 goddamn years and never once told us that?"
"You never asked," Haley told her simply, shrugging her shoulders, glancing down at her bandaged arm. "No one noticed so I kept doing it, no one tried to stop me so I kept doing it, no one seemed to care so I kept doing it. And 5 years later, my arm is defaced and hideous."
Taylor bit her lip and ran her hands through her hair before joining her sister on the bed, putting her arm around Haley shoulders. "This has to stop right now. You can't keep doing this to yourself."
"Do you think it's easy?" Haley yelled, springing to her feet. "Do you think I fucking like looking at my arm knowing I'm the one who did this? Huh? Do you have any idea how it feels to know I'm the one who caused all this pain? How do you think it feels walking around ashamed to be who you are," she whispered, biting back her tears.
"Haley-bub," Taylor whispered, her eyes filled with tears, still trying to get over the fact that her baby sister cut herself. "Is that why you always covered yourself up?"
Haley nodded slowly and tugged at the bottom of her shirt. "I didn't want to be one of those people who put their scars on show, I don't want anyone's pity. I haven't, I haven't done it in a while. But then when Brooke told me she wasn't coming home, it, it just set me off and I can't control it, I can't stop myself."
"I understand it's hard," Taylor said, after a pause, "but, why couldn't you just come talk to one of us? Cutting yourself, it's bad, you know people end up…"
"Dead?" Haley finished bitterly, rolling her eyes. "Well, I can count on you to speak at my funeral if I die, right?"
"Haley," Taylor warned, making a fist with her hand. "Don't you ever say that again. You need to stop doing this to yourself, it's wrong, it doesn't solve problems."
"It solves my problems," Haley snapped, "You don't know how good it feels to do it. It numbs the pain, it makes all my problems go away. And some days I just want to cut deep, deep so I pass out, deep so I die."
"Haley, stop!" Taylor yelled, grabbing Haley and holding onto her arm tight. "Shut the fuck up. Stop saying things like that! I can't handle it, I won't listen to it. Take it back right now, take back what you said."
Haley watched as her older sisters eyes filled up with tears. She never saw Taylor cry and she knew she had hit a nerve. "No," she whispered truthfully, watching the tears fall down Taylor's cheek. "That's the truth."
"I don't believe you," Taylor bit back, releasing Haley's arm and pushing her on the bed. "Where do you keep your razor?"
"What?"
"I said where do you keep your razor?" Taylor yelled angrily, beginning to tear through Haley's drawers until she found the instrument that was scarring her sister's body. "Damn it Haley, where is it?"
"I don't know," Haley whispered, cowering away from Taylor. Taylor groaned in frustration, "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Tell me!" Taylor blew out, shutting Haley's dresser drawers and walking over to the bed, staring at her sister straight in the eye. "Tell me right now, Haley."
Haley looked at Taylor's enraged face and gulped, pointing to her nightstand. She watched Taylor storm over there and successfully retrieve the razor, placing it in her back pocket. "That's not going to make me stop you know."
"I know," Taylor hissed, ready to smack Haley across the face any second now. "Go to bed, we are going to have a long, long chat tomorrow."
"Go to hell," Haley bit back, immediately regretting it when Taylor turned around and walked back over to the bed, grabbing her arm and gripping it tightly. "Let me go!"
"Don't you dare talk back to me like that ever again. So help me god, if I find another cut on your body I will send you away without any regret. Do you understand that? Now get your ass in bed, I have a phone call to make."
"Don't tell her," Haley whispered as Taylor dropped her arm. "You don't tell Brooke, and I'll stop cutting."
Taylor shook her head and glanced at her sister in disbelief. "How naïve do you think I really am? Tomorrow, you're going to school and coming straight home afterwards, I don't care if it's your birthday or not, you blew it."
Haley watched Taylor walk out of the room and slam the door before collapsing onto the bed in a heap of tears. She had really screwed up tonight and there was no way she could ever make up for it.
xxxx
Brooke was just about to crawl into bed when she heard her cell phone ring. She groaned heavily and grabbed it, whining when she saw Taylor's name across the screen. "What?"
"Brooke, you better get your fucking ass home before I come out there and get you," Taylor screamed, making Brooke jump in fear. "And don't you dare sit there and tell me you're not."
"I'm not," Brooke told her cautiously, "look, if this is about earlier, then I'm sorry. I can't come home, I can't."
"Don't play games with me Brooke!" Taylor yelled, pounding her fist onto the table, wincing at the pain. "If you don't get your ass back home soon, I swear to god I will come down there myself and drag you back, kicking and screaming."
"What is this about anyways?" Brooke asked, remembering Taylor telling her she was okay with Brooke being gone. "You were fine with me living here, why all of a sudden would you change your mind?"
Taylor thought about telling Brooke about Haley, she really did, but she was just so tired and still in shock from the night that she just decided to give up. "Forget it. But I'm telling you right now, if you're not back here in the next few days, I'm coming to get you. Understand that?"
"But, Taylor-"
"Do you understand that, Brooke?" Taylor repeated sternly, waiting for her sister's answer.
"No, I don't," Brooke told her in a rush before hanging up the phone. Taylor let out a frustrated groan and threw the phone down on the table, cursing when the back of the phone came off.
Taylor walked up the stairs and stopped outside of Haley's door. "Hay, I'm sorry," she whispered, peering into the room, her heart literally stopping when she saw Haley's empty bed.
She heard the bathroom door open and Haley walked out, stopping dead in her tracks when she saw her sister. She stared down at her bloody clothes and she shut her eyes. "I, I was cleaning up the mess, I swear, I swear I didn't do anything," she said, her voice cracking.
"It's okay, I believe you," Taylor whispered back, smiling through her tears. Haley nodded and slowly advanced towards her before allowing Taylor's arms to wrap around her. She didn't care if the blood was staining her shirt, all she cared was about Haley's well being for right now. "You scared me so much tonight."
"I'm sorry," Haley whispered, her voice muffled by Taylor's shoulder. "I didn't mean to freak out like that."
Taylor sighed and rubbed her hand up and down Haley's back. "I know, baby, I know. I'm sorry too, it's just, it's just I wish, I wish you wouldn't keep things from me like that. If I ever lost you, I don't know what I would do."
Haley felt the guilt ignite in her veins and she held onto Taylor, showing no effort to let her go. "Are you really going to make me go to school tomorrow on my birthday?" Taylor laughed and pulled back, making a face when she noticed her stained clothes.
"You have to," Taylor told her, ignoring the heavy sigh coming from Haley. "And we have to talk about your," she stopped, gesturing towards Haley's arm. "Cutting."
"It's too painful to talk about," Haley whispered, shying away from her sister. "I'm not ready to talk about it yet."
Taylor sighed, realizing she wasn't getting much more out of Haley. "Come on, it's getting late, you might want to get some sleep for school tomorrow. I'm just going to go change, I'll be right in."
"No, I'm okay," Haley said quietly, walking into her room and stopping in the doorframe. She fiddled with her shirt and turned around, pulling something out of her pajama pocket. "Here, maybe you should have this."
Taylor watched Haley's door shut and she sighed. She glanced down the object in her hand, her eye's immediately widening. She dropped the razor and pushed Haley's door open. "You didn't, did you?"
She watched Haley's body tremble and her stomach churned when Haley looked up at her with glazed eyes, nodding her head. "I, I couldn't stop myself."
"Oh, Haley," Taylor whispered, placing her hand over her mouth and feeling her eyes begin to water. "Where is it?"
"Right here," Haley said quietly, rolling up her sleeve and pointing to the fresh cut above the bandaged one. "I'm sorry." She whispered, her own eyes filling up with tears. "Please don't be mad at me, the yelling, it, it scares me."
Taylor advanced towards the bed and pulled Haley into her arms, stroking her hair and trying to soothe her sobs. "Okay, it's okay, we're going to get through it, I promise." She pulled Haley back so she could see her face and gently kissed her forehead.
Haley gulped and pulled her sleeve again, staring at the cut, her eyes fixated on that one spot. "I hate it. I hate myself for doing this. God, I am so stupid!" She yelled, startling Taylor. "I'm so stupid, Tay."
"You're not stupid," Taylor told her, wiping her eyes before pulling Haley back into her arms. "You're hurting and what you're doing, it's not going to make you feel any better, honey. This is serious, Haley, you, you need to get some professional help."
"I know," Haley finally admitted, feeling relieved that it was all off her chest. "After Christmas I will, I promise."
Taylor smiled and nodded before letting her go. "But for right now, I think we just need to get some sleep. I'm going to stay here tonight, okay? I really don't think you should be alone."
"Okay," Haley whispered, wiping her eyes and getting off the bed to get a new pair of clothes. "Do, do you mind if throw these out? I don't think the blood will come out."
"Sure," Taylor agreed, "let me just go get changed and I'll be right back, okay?" Haley nodded and watched as Taylor quickly ran out of the room, dying to get out of the blood stained clothes.
Haley took off her shirt with trembling arms and threw it in front of her, bursting into tears when she caught a glimpse of her arm. She stood in the middle of her room in her black sports bra and clean pajama pants, shaking heavily and sobbing quietly.
Taylor came back into the room and froze when she saw Haley in the middle of the room. "Hay?" She asked, carefully making her way over and looking at Haley's tear stained face. She picked up the clean shirt and carefully placed it over Haley's head, kicking the stained one out of the way.
She led her over to the bed and pulled the covers down gently sitting Haley down and watching as she slipped under the covers, sniffling loud and frequently. She turned the light off and slipped in beside Haley, feeling her snuggle up to her.
"I love you, Brooke," Haley whispered, in a daze, not really knowing what was going on. Taylor suppressed her sigh and placed her arms around Haley's shoulders, rubbing them gently.
"I love you too, baby."
I'm going to try and finish this ASAP, there's only about 5 more chapters left anyways and I want to get the sequel up and running. Please tell me what you think
Kristin