Hey guys, sorry it took so long to update. If it helps this chapter is 23 pages...it's the most angsty one out of the whole story I think. Anyways, please tell me what you think :)
"Peyton Sawyer, look at your hair!" Brooke gushed rushing over to her best friend and admiring her perfectly straight locks. Peyton's mouth fell open in shock, not having any idea that Brooke was back. "When did you do this?"
"The other day," Peyton replied quietly before enveloping the brunette in a tight hug. "Brooke, why didn't you tell me you were back? I would have come over and spent the rest of my lame ass vacation with you!"
"Yeah, well I figured you were too busy with Jake and I had to patch things up with Haley and everyone," Brooke shrugged, linking their arms together and starting off down the hall. Brooke waved to the occasional people who noticed she was back and then began to feel self-conscious when people started to whisper. "They act like I'm freaking Madonna or something!"
"Brooke face it, you were the most popular girl in school, of course they're going to act all star struck," Peyton told her with a laugh, opening her locker and tossing a few books in. She stared past Brooke and raised her eyebrows when she saw a blonde girl that looked a lot like Taylor. "Um, what's Taylor doing here?"
"That's Haley," Brooke laughed, turning around to see her sister, who was currently staring at her feet as numerous guys in the hallway did a double take when they saw her. "Come here, Tiny Tay!" Brooke called out with a laugh, wincing when Haley hit her.
"Stop calling me that!" Haley hissed, suddenly changing the subject when she saw Peyton's hair. "Oh, I like your hair, Peyton."
"Same to you, Hales," Peyton said with a laugh, admiring the girl's new blonde locks. She always thought Haley was a beautiful girl but the blonde hair made her look hot and wasn't surprised when the guys were staring at her.
"I told you," Brooke sang out, nudging her sister with her hip and laughing when Haley's cheeks turned red. "Face it, Hales, you're an official hottie and I think every guy in this hallway wants to get with you."
"Yeah, I bet you could give Brooke a run for her money," Peyton pointed out, nudging Brooke's shoulder and catching the look of jealously that fell on her face. Haley laughed slightly and tugged at her messenger bag uncomfortably as the conversation fell into a lull. "Well, I guess I'm going to head to class, so I'll see you at lunch."
Peyton gave Brooke a quick hug and ruffled Haley's hair before she set off down the hallway; calling out her boyfriend's name and catching up to him and a few other guys from the basketball team. Brooke shrugged her shoulders when she and Haley locked eyes before she linked arms with Haley and started off down the hall.
"So, what's your first class?" Haley asked, finally breaking the silence. The two stepped to the side to avoid a traffic jam in the middle of the hallway. "Or, did you not get your schedule yet?"
"No, no, I got it," Brooke said distantly, trying to ignore the looks that both she and her sister were getting from various people. She dug through her backpack and pulled out a ruffled piece of white paper. "Let's see. I have Math first period."
"Ew," Haley wrinkled her nose in disgust and glanced over Brooke's schedule. "Well, we have English and Psychology together. I could at least catch you up in those two classes."
"Yeah, so what do you have now?" Brooke asked as the bell rang. "I'll walk you there because if I remember correctly, Mrs. Mason's room is right around the corner and I don't want to be the first person there. It would be totally weird."
"Oh," Haley began, her voice falling into a low whisper. "I actually have an appointment so you can just go ahead without me. I'll be fine," she said, mustering the best smile she could. Brooke raised her eyebrow, trying to remember what she was talking about.
"Oh, oh right," Brooke said, finally remembering that Haley had made an appointment to talk to the school therapist. "Do you want me to come with you? I'm sure Mrs. Mason won't miss me that much."
"Brooke, it's your first day back," Haley pointed out, beginning to walk down the hall towards the therapist office. "I'm fine, really. So you can go to your math class and I'll see you next period, okay?"
"Fine," Brooke pouted, wrapping her arms around Haley and patting her back. "Just stay strong. You can do this," she told her, holding one for a minute longer before letting go and smiling when Haley nodded at her confidently.
The two parted ways at the end of the hall. Haley went left while Brooke was supposed to go right. She stared at the familiar faces settling in the classroom but her mind was focused on her sister, who would be all alone talking to some stranger about her problems. Brooke was glad that Haley was getting help, but a part of her wondered what the therapist could say to her that Brooke couldn't. Taking one last look into the room, she let out a sigh and turned on her heel, heading off in the opposite direction.
xxxx
"I've never done this before," Haley admitted nervously, uncomfortably shifting around in the large leather chair. "I, I don't know where to start, I'm just so nervous."
"Take your time dear," the older woman sitting across from her told her. She was in her mid 50's with aging gray hair and warm face. Haley took a deep breath and tried to get herself to relax; deeming the woman in front of her seemed okay to talk to. "Why do you hurt yourself, Haley?" Haley looked taken aback at the woman's bluntness.
"I don't know," Haley replied quietly, drumming her fingers on the arms of the chair. "All my life people made decisions for me. You know, just because I was the baby they thought I was incapable of making the right decision. They would, they would always tell me what the 'right' thing to do was and I guess, I guess I just felt powerless."
The woman looked on, knowing she had hit a nerve with the teenager. She could tell that she was looking deep down and talking about things she had never talked about before. "Who made you feel powerless?" She asked, hoping Haley would continue with her current train of thought.
"My sisters," Haley whispered, trying to control the hundreds of emotions running through her mind at once. "They treat me like I'm a little kid and go out of their way to protect me from the pain and suffering I'm going to face if I don't do what's right for me. With the cutting, it, it makes me feel that I have all the power because I can control when I want to do it and where I want to do it."
"Why do you feel so powerful when you harm yourself?"
Haley shook her head, unable to find an answer for the question posed. She never knew why she felt so powerful when she dragged the sharp razor blade across her skin. Outside the door, knowing that it was incredibly wrong, Brooke slumped against the closed door and was grateful for the school's cheap wooden doors.
"Because the razor can't tell me what to do," Haley finally answered, watching the woman scribble down some notes on her yellow pad of paper that was resting in her lap. "It won't yell at me for doing whatever, it won't yell at me for not being exactly like her and it won't, it won't humiliate me when I try and ask her a question in public."
"I'm not sure I follow where you're going with this," the therapist noted, trying to put together all of Haley's thoughts. "Does this person play a role in your cutting?"
"Growing up, we were inseparable. So much in fact when I missed the cut off date for kindergarten, Brooke refused to go to school unless I could go with her. She took care of me, you know? She protected me when some girl at school was picking on me because I was younger than everyone else, she took care of me when I was sick, she, she did it all. But, but when my parents died," Haley paused, biting back her tears. "She abandoned me and never looked back."
"Is that why you turned to self harm? Because you felt abandoned?"
"For years and years I kept telling myself that it was my fault that they died. I mean, they, they were on their way to pick me up from piano that day. But anyways, back to the question, I guess I just started because the loneliness ate away at me and I really needed Brooke then. But I couldn't have her because she was off busying herself with things to take her mind off of their death."
Outside, Brooke placed her head in her hands, trying to stifle the sob that was rising in her throat. How could she be so heartless and cruel to her sister? Why was she so blind and so wrapped up in her own thing to realize that her sister, her little baby sister was hurting and that she needed her more than ever. She knew she shouldn't listen anymore but she couldn't bring herself to leave Haley, not now or not ever.
"Haley, how old were when you first cut yourself?"
"12 and a half," Haley whispered shamefully, remembering that day like it was yesterday. She knew it wasn't normal for a 12 year old girl to be cutting herself and had only learned about it from watching the Virgin Suicides with Taylor one time. "I know, what 12 year old cuts themselves, right? When you're 12, you're supposed to be experiencing with makeup and boys but I, I was thinking of ways to hurt myself and stop all this pain I felt after my parents died.
"The rest of my family seemed to get over it fine. But I, but I took it too hard, harder than everyone expected. It was so predictable too; the baby suffers the most pain because she's the closet one to her parents. I pushed them away, god, I pushed them away. Brooke pushed me away so I pushed her back and eventually the distance became too far and our relationship, our relationship was buried with our parents.
"It took them 5 years to find out about this. And I'm really surprised they didn't find out sooner. I mean the scars aren't that hard to miss and I'm pretty sure they would have seen the ones on my wrist if I flashed it in front of their eyes. But during that time they were too busy with their own lives to notice that I was hurting. I knew where they were coming from but I was too young, we were both too young to understand what was going on.
"They ignored me and that's when I found comfort in the razor. It listened to me and helped the pain go away when it broke my skin. It never once judged me and was ashamed of the person who I had become. It was my only family, but like my own family, it caused me more pain each time I cut myself. It makes me hate who I am and it makes me want to end this all right now."
"So why don't you?"
"I'm not strong enough," Haley whispered, shrugging her shoulders and wiping away the copious amounts of tears that were falling down her pale cheeks. "I never will be."
"Let's go back to your sister, Brooke. How did she change after your parents died?"
"She just did," Haley muttered, shrugging her shoulders and trying to recount the many ways Brooke had changed. "She wasn't the same old, Brooke, you know? Before, she was this, she was this amazing person who would always be in a cheery mood, no matter what had happened that day. She'd always be so excited to see me at the end of the day and couldn't wait to get home to tell me all about her day and how so and so winked at her at lunch. We always did everything together. She'd let me tag along with her friends sometimes when I didn't have anything else to do, she'd treat me like a friend not just some annoying tag a long little sister.
"I remember this one time when I was 8, I had to get my tonsils out and Brooke convinced my Mom to let her stay in the hospital with me while I recovered. She'd tell the nurses that they didn't have to come back to keep checking on me, that she'd do it herself and they didn't need to worry. For 3 days we just watched TV and ate ice cream and she would fill me in on everything that was going on at home. I of course couldn't talk that much, but somehow I think that was okay with her.
"Then, then my parents died and it was all of a sudden it was like, get the hell away from me, I hate you. And I think she did hate me for a while. If it wasn't for me, my parents would probably still be here right now and Brooke would still be the same big sister I had when we were little. The sad part is that I've stopped trying to figure out what I did wrong and just blamed her for my problems."
The older woman nodded her head back and forth, obviously pleased with Haley's ability to just open up like that on her very first session. Usually it took most patients at least 3 or 4 to even start to talk about what was bothering them. But Haley was different, and she was pretty sure there was a lot more the blonde girl was hiding inside of her.
"Haley, do you blame Brooke for your cutting?"
"I can't," Haley whispered, finally giving up the fight to keep the tears in. Brooke let out a sigh of relief from the outside and cracked a small smile. "But If I say I don't, then I'm just lying. I don't want to blame her because it's not her that's doing this to my body. It's not her mutilating my arms and it's not her wishing my life away. But it's her that made me this way and I think, I think if she, I think if she would just realize how much she hurt me over these past years I'd be able to move on."
"It's not that simple, Haley," the therapist told her, glancing at the clock and realizing the session was over. "We're out of time for this week, but how about we schedule an appointment for the same time next week?"
"Okay," Haley said with a small smile, wiping the tears away. She grabbed her bag and opened the door, her heart stopping when she saw Brooke scramble to her feet. "What, what are you doing here?"
"Haley, I was just-"
"I told you I didn't want you to come, Brooke!" Haley yelled, all the anger and rage she had inside from Brooke's absence had suddenly become too much for her to handle. "That was private, I, I can't believe you were listening!"
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," Brooke told her quietly, looking down at her feet. Maybe she went a little too far, but she was only looking out for Haley's best interest. "Do, you really blame me for all of this?"
"You're not supposed to know," Haley whispered, locking eyes with her teary eyed sister. "I don't want to blame you."
"But you do," Brooke snapped, grabbing her backpack off the floor and flinging it over her shoulders. "Fine, blame me, I don't give a fuck."
Haley sighed heavily when Brooke pushed past her, taking off down the hall as fast as she could. The bell rang and Haley realized she was going to get stuck between everyone changing classes and decided to run after her, calling out her name as she got closer.
"Brooke, wait!" Brooke continued to ignore her sister's calling and pushed the front door of the school open, flying down the front stairs and turning the corner to where her car was parked. "Brooke! Will you just wait?"
"I have nothing to say to you, Haley," Brooke said, whipping around to face her sister. "What did I ever do to you that was so horrible? What did I say to make you do this to yourself?"
"You have no clue, do you?" Haley said in disbelief, rolling here eyes for some sort of effect. "Last year you made my life a living hell. Do you know how hard it was to wake up every single day wondering what you were going to do to me next? Jesus, Brooke, you acted like I was an embarrassment and that you hated having me around."
"Don't, don't bring that up."
"I'm going to," Haley spat, standing toe to toe with her sister, finally letting the words explode out of her. "Whenever, whenever you saw me at school you, you just glared at me like I had some sort of problem, like I was diseased or something. Where were you when your friends made fun of me? Huh? Where the hell were you, where the hell were you when Nathan tried to rape me?"
"That, that was not my fault!" Brooke yelled, outraged that Haley would say such a thing. "I didn't know he was going to do that to you, Haley!"
"Would you have pretended that you didn't know me and kept walking past the room while he tried to take my clothes off?" Haley said, her tone cold and resentful.
"What, what do you want me to say to you Haley?" Brooke asked, breaking into a sob. "Do you want me to apologize for every single time I hurt you?" Haley nodded her head in all seriousness. "Fine, then. I am so god damn sorry that I made your life a living hell and I am so god damn sorry that I pushed you away, and I am so damn sorry for making you hurt yourself."
"It's not going to make things any better," Haley told her coldly. "These scars aren't going to go away just because you're sorry."
"What, what do you want me to do, Haley?" Brooke wondered, sniffling heavily and wiping the pools of tears falling from her eyes. Haley stood there emotionless, daring her to say another word. "What do you want me to do?"
"I don't know, Brooke," Haley said quietly, looking down at her feet before looking back up at Brooke. "I think you should figure that one out for yourself."
"I think I should slap some sense into you," Brooke spat, glaring right down into Haley's brown eyes. "But, I'm not going to because I don't want you to run home and slash your wrists again."
"Shut up, shut up," Haley yelled at her, pushing her backwards. "You, you don't know anything about it! You don't know what it's like to feel that razor drag across your skin and make these god damn fucking marks on your body!"
"How do you know?" Brooke yelled back, pushing Haley back as if they were little kids fighting on the playground. "How do you know that?"
"You just don't," Haley told her simply, shaking her head from side to side. "And you never will because you're perfect, Brooke, you're just so damn perfect."
"I know what it feels like," Brooke whispered shamefully, turning away to avoid Haley's look. Haley stared at her sister before trying to understand what she was getting at.
"What?"
"I said I know what it feels like!" Brooke screamed, unzipping her jacket and tossing it onto the cold sidewalk. She rolled up her sleeve as far as it went and exposed her arm, her finger immediately going to the scar on her upper arm. "Don't you ever tell me I don't know what it feels like." Haley gulped and glanced at the scar that mirrored her own.
"When, when did you do that?" Haley asked her quietly, watching Brooke retrieve her fallen jacket and put it back on. "Why did you do that?"
"Well let's see," Brooke began, bitterness laced in her tone. "When your boyfriend cheats on you with a slut, when your older brother leaves town without a word, when your older sister hides the biggest secret of her life and when, and when your little sister turns into someone you used to be, you kind of get where I'm going with this right? When I found out Lucas cheated on me, I didn't know what I was going to do. You were on some 'leave me alone' kick and Taylor was just plain gone. So I took, I took the razor and just cut my arm because I wanted to bleed all the pain away. Eventually the pain stopped, but I'll always be reminded of that day because I've got this scar to show for it."
Haley fell silent for a minute, still trying to take in all the information. Brooke stood there, wrapping her arms around her body and trying to stop herself from shivering in the cold. They both stood there speechless, unwilling to give into one another and apologize.
"You," Haley began, finally breaking the never-ending silence. "You fucking hypocrite," she yelled, staring straight through Brooke's moist eyes. She was emotionless, surprisingly keeping dry eyes through all of this. "I can't believe you."
"Haley stop," Brooke told her harshly, glaring right back at her. "Shut your mouth right now. Don't call me a hypocrite."
"That's what you are!" Haley yelled louder, running her hands through her hair. "I, I, I can't believe you, Brooke! All this time you were telling me I needed to stop when you were hiding this? Leave me alone, leave me alone right now."
"I'm not going to leave you alone-"
"I hate you, Brooke, I hate you," Haley told her in rage, "I hate you! I hate you for all those times you did this to me, I hate you for ruining my life! I, I hate you," she said, her voice dropping into a low whisper. "I want, I want you to stay out of my life."
"Haley-"
"No, I mean it, I'm serious, get away from me. I don't ever want to see you again," Haley continued, un-fazed by the look of shock and sadness on Brooke's teary face. Brooke reluctantly nodded her head, letting the words ring through her head.
Brooke turned around and took one last look at her sister before walking towards her car that was just feet away. Haley turned around and walked the opposite way, obviously not going back to school. Brooke opened the door and slipped in, immediately bursting into a hysterical sob as she remembered the words, those exact words she said to two people right before they died.
"Brooke, how many times do I have to tell you this?" Lydia began, cutting up the vegetables for the salad she was making. "I don't care if Theresa told you to do it; you just don't go around shoving people to the ground. Especially when it's your own sister."
"Mom, you just don't get it!" 13-year old Brooke said, rolling her eyes as she pretended to do her homework. "Theresa is the most popular girl in school, Mom. And I'm her friend and if someone won't leave us alone, I'm going to have to do something about it."
"That, Brooke, that's just plain wrong!" Lydia told her, tossing the cucumbers into the bowl and turning around to face her daughter. "Once Haley gets home from her piano lesson you are going to apologize to her. And then you're going to spend the rest of the weekend in your room wishing you would have treated your little sister better."
"That's not fair!" Brooke exclaimed, throwing her pencil down onto her notebook. "No one else has their little sister in the same grade as them! It's so annoying, Mom, you don't even get it, do you?"
"How is that annoying?" Lydia asked with a raised eyebrow. "How is having Haley in your grade annoying? Please, please enlighten me, Brooke."
"Because, it just is," Brooke told her simply, making a face when her mother rolled her eyes. "How would you like it if your little sister was in all of your classes? Oh, Haley, she's so smart and everyone loves her the most because she's the baby."
"Oh, are we back to this conversation again?" Lydia said, becoming slightly annoyed with Brooke's immatureness. "Brooke, for the last time, your father and I love all of our children the same. We don't love Haley more just because she's the baby."
"Then why are you always yelling at me when she gets upset?" Brooke asked, looking at her mother straight in the eye. "Everything I do is my fault and it's never her fault!"
"That's because most of the time it is your fault, Brooke!" Lydia snapped, losing all of her patience. "If you and Taylor would just leave the poor girl alone and stop picking on her then maybe your father and I wouldn't have to keep punishing you."
Brooke let out a frustrated sigh and slammed her math book shut, obviously giving up on the rest of the problems she had to do. Her mother gave her a warning look to wipe the pout of her face, but Brooke ignored her and went on with her little tirade.
"She, she's just a pain in my ass!" Brooke yelled, immediately regretting it when her mother's eyes widened in shock. "I, I didn't mean to say that, I swear."
"Brooke, my patience with you is running thin," Lydia warned as Jimmy came in once he heard the yelling from the bottom of the stairs. She glanced at the clock and sighed. "I, I have to go get your sister, Brooke, we'll finish this when I come back."
"What are you two arguing about now? I can hear you all the way in the bedroom," Jimmy pointed out; turning away to avoid the death glare his wife was giving him. Brooke rolled her eyes and gathered her books in her arms, proceeding to walk out of the kitchen. "Hey, Brooke, don't walk away from your mother."
"Yes, I will walk away from her. Go pick up your precious Haley at her lesson because God knows you just bend over backwards to give her whatever she wants!" Brooke spat; stomping halfway up the stairs and turning around when she realized her parents were right behind her on the landing.
"For the last time, Brooke," Lydia began, "We cannot afford to buy you a new wardrobe just because Theresa told you that your clothes were out of date. With your brother in college, it's just, it's just not possible right now."
"But you can afford to give Haley piano lessons?" Brooke shot back, her eyes filling up with tears. Both Jimmy and Lydia sighed and glanced at each other before looking back up at the tearful brunette. "She's your baby and she gets whatever she wants."
"Brooke, please," Jimmy cut in before his wife could explode.
"No!" Brooke yelled at the top of her lungs. "I, I can't stand it here anymore! I hate you guys, and I, I hate Haley! I want you all out of my life and I never, ever want to talk or see you guys again!"
xxxx
"Penny for your thoughts?" Ben asked with a small laugh, plopping down next to Taylor on the couch. Taylor sighed and fiddled with the engagement ring, moving it up and down her finger. "What are you thinking about?"
"Sometimes, I guess sometimes I just realize what I would do if I had to raise a 4 year old along with two 17 year olds," Taylor began in a low whisper. "Maybe it's best that she's up in heaven, you know?"
"Tay, you have to stop blaming yourself for this," Ben told her softly, brushing her hair out of her face. "It was the best option, you giving her up for adoption."
"My parents didn't even know I was pregnant," Taylor said, her voice cracking and her eyes filling up with tears. "They died before she was born and after that, after that I just couldn't handle the thought of raising this child alone. And then Dan, well Dan just made things worse because that's who he is."
Ben wrapped his arms around her and stroked her hair as she cried into his shoulder. He knew how sensitive Taylor got when she started talking about Emily. They sat in silence, besides Taylor's small sobs and Ben's attempt to calm her down. They were quickly thrown apart when the front door flung open and Haley stormed in with a huff.
"Hay, what are you doing home?" Taylor asked, quickly wiping her eyes and staring at her sister. "Don't tell me you're skipping school again."
"I hate her!" Haley yelled, throwing her bag across the room and trying to rid her mind of Brooke. "Taylor, I, I hate Brooke!" She stuttered, pulling at her long, blonde hair before flipping it behind her ears. "I hate her, Taylor."
"What did she do to you?" Taylor asked softly, standing up to her feet and walking over to Haley. She tried to pull her into a hug but Haley simply pushed her back and crossed her arms. "Haley, I can't help you if you don't tell me what happened."
"She ruined my life," Haley spat, letting out a groan when Ben stood up to his feet and walked towards them. "No, don't you come near me! You, you don't even know me!"
"Haley!" Taylor snapped, grabbing her sister's arm and violently leading her into the kitchen. "What the hell is going on with you? Don't be rude to him! You better have a damn good reason as to why you're not in school right now."
"Brooke, she, she sat outside and listened to what I said to the therapist, Taylor! She heard it all and she heard me blame her for my cutting…"
"Oh, Hay," Taylor whispered, pulling Haley into a tight hug and rubbing her hand up and down Haley's back. "That's not right."
"I know!" Haley said, her voice muffled from Taylor's shoulder. Taylor let out a sigh and heard the front door open and close, knowing Ben had left again. She pulled back from the embrace so she could look at her sister.
"No, Haley, that's not right for you to blame Brooke," she said, biting her lip when Haley's mouth fell open. "Why, why would you blame Brooke for hurting yourself? I know she used to give you a hard time, but she never told you to do this."
"She never stopped me from doing it either," Haley replied lightly, still in bitchy mode from when she yelled at Brooke. "I could blame you, but I don't. Or, do you want me to blame you instead, Brooke?"
"Listen you little brat," Taylor spat, blown away by Haley's accusations. "We've done nothing but try and help you through this all! I don't understand why you're so bitter about this all. You said yourself you wanted to get help, but now, what's with all the resentment?"
Haley fell silent as she took a seat on the kitchen chair. She drummer her fingers on the table and forced her head down, not having the strength to lock eyes with her oldest sister. Maybe it was all the years of jealously and resentment she had towards both of her sisters. She had stuffed it all down, thinking she had no reason to have those feelings towards them.
"You know how pathetic I was growing up?" Haley finally spoke, lifting her head so she could look at Taylor. "My only friend was the bastard son of Dan Scott, and that was on the days he would talk to me. My mother was my best friend, and my sisters, well my sisters they were just the greatest thing since sliced bread I guess."
"Haley, Haley what are you talking about?" Taylor asked, her voice dropping into a concerned tone. Haley shrugged her shoulders and got up to her feet and began to pace around the semi-large kitchen. "Hay, talk to me."
"My life consisted of going to school, getting humiliated by my own sister, coming home and crying to my mother about it. Sometimes she comforted me and yelled at Brooke, sometimes she just rolled her eyes and ignored me. You, well, where were you, Taylor?"
"I know it was hard for you," Taylor began, closing her eyes when Haley quickly cut her off before she went to speak again.
"No you don't! You don't know how hard it was for me, you don't know," Haley whispered, refusing to let herself cry. "Everytime I tried to talk to you when you were home, you just kicked me out of your room and told me to leave you alone. It hurt me so bad when you and Brooke would gang up on me and make fun of me for whatever reason it was that day.
"It was hard enough getting made fun of at school, but to come home to it? It was horrible, Taylor, it was so damn horrible that there were times when I didn't want to come home. But I did, and you know why?" Taylor shook her head and felt tears prick in the corner of her eyes. "Because Mom said it would get better and that you guys were just having a bad day. How many bad days did you guys have? I lost count when it became a regular thing."
"Hales," Taylor tried again, gulping when Haley looked up at her, waiting for her to speak. "I don't think you realize how hard it was on us. Do you know how much trouble we, I especially, got in? Every little thing we said or did to you we would get in trouble for. It just got to a point where Mom would just yell at us for no reason sometimes.
"All day long all we heard was, 'leave your sister alone, she's not like you two.' Then Dad, Dad would give it to us good because we 'hurt' his precious little Haley-bub." Haley shrugged her shoulders, trying to choke back her sob. "You hurt the baby, don't hurt the baby, she never did anything wrong. The baby this, the baby that. That's what he called you, Haley. Honestly, I'm surprised that me or Brooke didn't end up this way."
"Ended, ended up in what way?" Haley asked quietly, suddenly feeling like she used to be when was younger. Taylor exhaled angrily, and threw her hands up in the air.
"I'm surprised neither of us ended up hurting ourselves," Taylor told her bluntly, showing no remorse for the words she was saying. "And, and here you are blaming us for something we do."
"I didn't mean to-"
"Of course not! You never mean to do anything," Taylor yelled, "you never meant to tell my first boyfriend that I wasn't in love with him, you never meant to tell Mom that I was sneaking in and out of the house, and you never, you never meant to blame Brooke and I for cutting yourself. What are you going to do now, Haley?"
"I don't know," Haley cried, flinching as Taylor's face became inches way from her own.
"Are you going to run and tell Mommy?" Taylor spat, continuing on with her little rampage. "Well you can't do that because she's fucking dead!" After she uttered those exact words, Taylor immediately froze in her position. She watched Haley tense up and finally burst into tears. "Hay, Hay, I am so sorry I didn't mean to-"
It was too late. By the time Taylor tried to finish her sentence, Haley was already out the door and probably halfway down the street by now.
xxxx
Brooke stared at the river blankly, shivering as the cold wind whipped through her hair, making it fall all over her face. But she didn't care. She had been standing at the rivercourt for at least 3 hours and was pretty sure she was frozen to the bone by now.
After Haley stormed off, Brooke sat in her car for a few hours, just thinking about the hurtful words and how she had said the same thing to her parents.
She glanced down at her watch and sighed. School had let out about an hour or so ago and Taylor would probably be wondering where both her younger sisters were. But she couldn't go home, not just yet. She was going to sit on the cold grass and just watch the water until she felt she could face Haley again.
"Brooke?" A deep voice came from behind her, making her jump. She turned around to see Lucas coming towards her with a basketball in his hand. "What, what are you doing here?"
"I don't know," she whispered, shrugging her shoulders for the truly confused look. "Look, Lucas, I just want to be alone right now."
"Well," Lucas began, taking a seat on the grass next to her. "This is where we play basketball and pretty soon the guys are going to come down and we're going to have to interrupt your little alone time."
"It's the middle of January," Brooke snipped, rolling her eyes. "Who plays basketball outside in the winter time? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"I'm going out on a limb here, but is something bothering you?" Lucas wondered, trying his best to ignore all of his ex-girlfriend's comments. "You're not your normal cheery self today. Do you want to talk?"
"No. I'd rather sit here by myself and not talk about it," Brooke told him simply, letting out a heavy sigh. Lucas chuckled softly, thinking she was kidding. She sent him a glare and he immediately shut up, throwing the basketball up and down. "I had a fight with Haley today, okay?"
"Sorry," he whispered, throwing her his best sympathetic look. "What was it about?"
"She just wants me out of her life, Luke. That's all I can tell you, I've already screwed up enough as it is. So that's why I'm here because I'm afraid to go home and have her bitch me out again. Now, if you wouldn't mind, can you just leave me alone?"
"Brooke, come on," he urged her to continue, gently prodding her shoulder. "Don't do this again. Don't shut people out like this."
"No offense, Lucas, but you're probably the last person I want to talk to right now," Brooke snapped at him, letting out a sigh and trying to avoid the chill the wind brought to her body. "You broke my heart, do you know that?"
"I'm sorry," Lucas whispered, trying to meet her gaze. "But, Brooke, after Nathan tried to rape Haley, you, you pushed me away. I didn't know what to do and I got angry and I'm sorry for ever making you choose between us."
"Well it's a little too late for that now," Brooke said, "Haley needed me and you, you of all people should have understood." She turned her head to side and caught his eye, knowing that she had struck a nerve. "Nathan trying to hurt her, it was just some sort of wake up call for me. I realized how, I realized how horrible I was to her and maybe, just maybe if I had been home that night, I could have stopped it all from happening."
"No one knew he was going to do that," Lucas told her softly, watching the tears fall down her cheek. "Come on, you can't blame yourself for this, Brooke. It's no one's fault but Nathan's."
"You said it was Haley's fault," Brooke reminded him, glaring right at him. "You said she was probably making it up because she wasn't as innocent as she seemed. I mean, god, what the hell is your problem, Lucas?"
"I'm sorry," he tried again, hoping this time it would get through to her. But instead, Brooke shook her head and turned away, obviously down with this conversation. "Wait, come on, Brooke, will you just talk to me?"
Before Brooke could respond, the two heard footsteps from behind them. Turning their heads in synchronization, they found Haley standing behind them, breathing heavily and looking like she had just been to hell and back. Brooke felt a lump form in her throat and she watched Lucas get up to greet the girl.
"Hey, Hales, long time no see," he started softly, tossing the basketball aside and walking over to the petite girl with open arms. "How've you been?"
"Lucas, don't," Brooke warned, springing to her feet in attempt to stop the blonde from making the biggest mistake of his life. "She's not…" she trailed off when she saw Haley push Lucas away from her.
"Don't hug me," Haley told him sharply, watching a look of confusion dance on his pale face. Brooke let out a sigh and kept her distance, not wanting to start World War 3 again.
"I, I haven't seen you in a while," Lucas started, trying to explain what he thought was going to be a kind gesture. "I miss you, buddy." Haley looked at him oddly before shaking her head in disbelief.
"We're not friends, Lucas!" Haley yelled, watching his eyebrows knit in confusion. Brooke kept her distance, a sigh escaping her lips when Haley threw her arms up in the air, her jacket riding up and exposing the scars she had on her stomach. "When's the last time I had a conversation with you?"
"Okay, so it's been a while. I guess we've been both really busy," Lucas said, shrugging his shoulders. "Haley, what's the matter with you?"
Brooke made a face and immediately took a step back, knowing that Haley was going to explode and all hell was going to break loose right then and there. Haley fell silent for a minute and Lucas waited for her to go on, not taking his eyes off of her.
"What's the matter with me?" Haley spat, feeling her breathing speed up. "Do you really want to know what's the matter with me, Lucas?"
"Yeah, Haley, I do," Lucas said, a little harsher than he should have. Haley looked at Brooke, who turned away, before looking back at her once best friend. "What's gotten into you? Why are you acting, so, so cold?"
"Because I couldn't hold it in anymore," Haley admitted, her voice void of any emotion. "Everyone knows my secret so there's no point of pretending I'm okay. Isn't that right, Brooke? Why don't you tell Lucas everything I told the school therapist."
"Haley, don't drag me into this," Brooke whispered painfully, trying her best not to lunge forward and attack her sister. "You're going to need to tell him yourself."
"Tell me what?" Lucas finally asked, looking towards each sister in confusion. "Why are you two all of a sudden bitching at each other again? What the hell is going on-"
"I cut myself," Haley said blatantly, her face expressionless and her tone crystal clear. Brooke gulped and tried not to think about it, although it was hard considering everytime she looked at Haley she wanted to cry. Lucas' mouth fell open and Haley couldn't help but snicker. "Yeah, I know, how surprising?"
"What? Hales, why?" Lucas stuttered, looking back at Brooke for reassurance. When Brooke nodded her head he felt his heart sink at the sight of his former best friend. "How come? Haley, why would you do this to yourself?"
"I just do," Haley whispered, feeling her blood began to boil as she looked at Lucas straight in the eye. "Everyone, everyone humiliated me in school and you, you never did anything to stop it, Lucas! When, when Brooke and her god damn ho posse made my life a living hell, you just stood away and watched me suffer."
"No, I, I tried to get them to stop!" Lucas yelled back, trying to control his temper. "Every single day I told your sister to leave you alone, I told her that you didn't deserve it, Hales!"
"Then why did you give up so easily?" Haley asked, trying to brush off the tears that were forming in her eyes. "Why did you just sit and watch fall apart?" Lucas fell silent, letting her know she did not have an answer for him. "You didn't try hard enough!"
Brooke let out a small sigh, watching as Lucas and Haley stared at each other down, Haley making no effort to back down from the intense staring contest. Lucas meanwhile tried to brush Haley's words off, thinking about all the times he tried to get Brooke to stop picking on Haley. But maybe Haley was right; maybe he just gave up too easily.
"Haley," Lucas started off with, finally finding his voice. "I, I wasn't, I didn't mean for that to happen. Come on, Hales, you know how hard I tried. We're best friends, you're like a daughter to my mom and she, she really misses you."
"Do you know, do you know what I used to do everyday after school when I would be humiliated?" Haley said, her voice in a low whisper. "There was this one time, there was this one time when Theresa harassed me right in front of you and Brooke. And, you, Lucas, all you did was watch me, you watched me break down right then and there and then you walked away with Brooke and pretended like you didn't know me.
"I've got scars from that day. And I'm not just talking about emotional, I'm talking about three or four scars that will be permanently marked on my body and will always remind me of the day my best friend turned his back on me. You never, you never even asked if I was okay, Lucas. You never said a word about it."
"I'm sorry," Lucas said, his voice cracking and on the verge of tears. "I never meant-"
"No!" Haley screamed, making Lucas flinch back in fear. "No one ever means anything, huh? No one means to make fun of me, no one means to stare at me like I'm some sort of mutated monster, and no one, and no one means to make me cut myself."
"Oh, Haley, come on that's not fair," Brooke finally broke in, watching as Lucas looked at his feet in shock. "I think you've blamed enough people for your own problems."
"Be quiet, Brooke!" Haley yelled, glaring right at her sister. "It's your fault, it's Taylor's fault, it's Lucas' fault, it's everyone's fault that I hurt myself!"
"No it is not!" Lucas finally said, breaking up the staring match between the two sisters. "It's your own god damn fault you cut yourself, Haley. It's not Brooke or Taylor's fault. Yeah, maybe it could be my fault because I ignored you, but don't you dare blame Brooke for what you do to yourself."
"Don't tell me how to feel!" Haley snapped, thrusting him backwards. "You don't know me, Lucas! You don't know how many nights I spent alone because you were too busy fucking your girlfriend down the hall! And then, and then when she started spending time with me, you, you went and fucked the next best thing, huh? Do you know how much you hurt, Brooke? Do you have any idea what she did? She-"
Brooke found herself running forward and quickly clasping her hand over Haley's mouth. Lucas stared at both of them in confusion and watched Brooke keep her hand firmly over Haley's mouth for fear that she was going to spill her secret to him.
"Lucas," Brooke whispered, motioning for him to get going. "I think, I think you should just go. It's just best for all three of us." Lucas nodded his head slowly and picked up his basketball and walked past the two James girls, not even saying a word to Haley. Haley removed Brooke's hand and began to walk away in a huff.
"So, are you planning on bitching out the whole town?" Brooke asked as Haley began to walk away. Haley stopped in her tracks and let out a small sigh before turning around.
"I figure since I'm on a roll…" Haley said, gnawing at her bottom lip and trying to keep her distance from Brooke. She was still angry with her from what happened earlier and wasn't ready to forgive her just yet. "I'm just going to get going."
"Haley, wait," Brooke said before Haley could say another word. "I know you're mad-"
"Mad?" Haley questioned, shaking her head. "Brooke, I'm more like furious."
"And you have every right to be," Brooke agreed, finding herself inching closer and closer to Haley. "But, but I was just making sure you were okay. I guess, I guess I just felt a little hurt that you couldn't talk to me about it."
"I need professional help, not sisterly help," Haley told harshly, turning away to avoid the hurt look on Brooke's face. "You can't help me with this, Brooke. No matter how hard you try."
"You're right," Brooke whispered, patting Haley on the shoulder while she walked by her. "Well, I'll leave you alone. I'm not supposed to be in your life right now," she finished on a bitter note, not bothering to give Haley a chance to explain herself.
xxxx
"Haley?" Taylor said frantically once the front door open. She lunged to her feet and couldn't help but sigh when she saw Brooke walk in the living room. "Oh, Brooke, do you have any idea where Haley is?"
"Taylor, Haley and I aren't exactly on speaking terms," Brooke whispered, looking at her older sister sadly. "Why, what happened?"
"I said the most horrible thing ever," Taylor cried, sniffling heavily while the tears rolled down her cheek. "Brooke, is she okay? I didn't mean to, it just slipped out."
"Taylor, what, what did you say?" Brooke asked her sister, gently leading her over to the couch and sitting down next to her. She waited for Taylor to regain her composure and gestured for her to go on. "Tay? What happened?"
"She blamed me, she blamed us for her cutting," Taylor began, wiping her eyes, "and I totally lost it and told her off. And then I said, I said that she can't run and go tell Mom because she's dead. Then she ran out and that was over 4 hours ago."
"Oh, Taylor," Brooke mumbled, reaching over and wrapping her arms around her sister. "She's just, she's just going through a tough time now. I saw her earlier and she, she blew up at Lucas. She told me, she told me that she wanted me out of her life."
"I'm sure she doesn't mean that," Taylor told her softly, pulling back so she could see Brooke. "Like you said, she's just going through a rough time. But, Brooke, why did you listen to her session?"
"I don't know," Brooke whispered, wiping away the tear the fell down her cheek. "I guess, I guess I just couldn't face the fact that I couldn't fix the problem. And it only makes me feel worse that she blames me for hurting herself."
Taylor sighed and ran her hands through Brooke's hair, trying to think of comforting things to say. They fell silent for a few moments and botch flinched back when the front door flew open and Haley appeared in the doorway, looking like a lost little girl.
"Oh, Hay, thank god you're home," Taylor blew out, walking over to Haley and enveloping her into a hug. "I'm so, so, so sorry. I didn't mean to say that, I was just mad, and you caught me at the wrong time."
"Save it, Taylor," Haley mumbled, releasing herself from Taylor's grip and pushing past her before heading up the stairs without another word. Taylor and Brooke exchanged a look and sighed, both at a loss for what to do.
"We really screwed up this time," Brooke sighed, her eyes following Taylor as she plopped down on the couch beside her. "For the first time in my life, I, I feel like we can't fix this."
"I don't think we can," Taylor whispered truthfully, giving Brooke's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "It's her own choice to come to us, we can't, we can't just make this all go away. I know it's hard to watch her go through this pain…"
Brooke ran a frustrated hand through her hair and began to pace around the room, her gut instinct telling her that something was wrong. Taylor let out a breathless sigh and flopped onto her back, looking up at the ceiling and occasionally sending Brooke a weird look.
"I think," Brooke began, but soon stopped when she started for the stairs. Taylor shrugged her shoulders and continued to stare at the ceiling while Brooke ran down the hallway and stopped at the bathroom door, gripping its handle tightly.
When she pushed the door open, she stopped dead in her tracks as she saw Haley sitting on the toilet seat, a razor gripped tightly in her hand. Brooke froze in her position and gulped when Haley met her gaze. Haley quickly straightened up on the toilet seat and threw the razor down on the ground.
"I didn't do anything," she whispered, a glazed look forming in her eyes. Brooke shut the door behind her and bent down to pick up the razor, discarding it in the trash to prevent anymore future injuries for now. "I wasn't going to."
"I should hope not," Brooke told her a bit harsher than she wanted to. Haley sighed and placed her head in her hands before looking up to see Brooke taking a seat on the floor next to the toilet. "Haley, why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Brooke, I can't talk about this right now," Haley replied curtly, biting on her bottom lip so hard that it was threatening to draw blood. "I can't talk to you right now."
"I'm not going anywhere, Hales," Brooke said, looking up at her sister and nodding her head back and forth. "Not until you talk to me."
"Then I'll leave," Haley muttered, rising to her feet and letting out a small gasp when she felt Brooke's arm around her ankle. "Brooke, stop being a psycho and let me go!"
"Not until you talk to me!" Brooke yelled, letting out an exasperated sigh when Haley wriggled free. "You can't shut us out like this!" Haley fell silent, knowing Brooke had a point but she couldn't bring herself to talk about it. "Hales, talk to me, please."
Haley slumped down next to Brooke and rested her head against the wall, trying to get her thoughts to stop running 100 miles an hour through her head. Brooke looked at her pleadingly and Haley closed her eyes, trying to get her head straight.
"What do you want me to say, Brooke?" Haley wondered, looking straight at her sister. "That I'm sorry for the things I said to you?" Brooke shrugged before nodding her head. Haley fiddled with her fingers before shaking her head, causing Brooke to look at her in shock. "Brooke, I don't want you out my life, I just want you to lay off me for a while."
"I just want to help you," Brooke admitted, tears pricking from the corner of her eyes.
"You want to help me?" Haley asked softly, trying not to cry when she saw the tears roll down Brooke's cheek. "Tell me why you did all those horrible things to me." Brooke looked at her hesitantly and Haley sighed. "Please, Brooke? I really need to know."
"I was jealous," Brooke finally admitted, wiping away the few remaining tears she had left. "You, you came too soon. I know that's not your fault, but as I got older, I realized that could have been me getting away with everything. I mean, Haley, I was just about 9 months old when you were born. I didn't know I had a baby sister and I didn't know all the hell we were going to go through when we got older.
"Sometimes I just hate myself for doing all that stuff to you and I wish I can take it back, but I can't. The damage has already been done and maybe it is my fault that you cut yourself, maybe if I was nicer, you wouldn't be in this position. We would be happy and not be sitting here having this conversation." Brooke sighed heavily and buried her head in her hands, letting a fresh set of tears fall down her face. "Haley, I never meant for this to happen, I never wanted you to end up hurting yourself."
Haley felt her own tears fall down her cheeks and she couldn't help but feel sorry for Brooke. All their life, Brooke was the strong one and all the stuff that happened to them never seemed to faze her at all. Haley on the other hand would dwell on it for days on end and try to snap out of it, but no matter how hard she tried, she could never pull herself out of the hole she dug for herself. She turned to the razor for comfort, for a sense of companionship when Brooke abandoned her.
"Why didn't you just tell me?" Brooke asked her, trying to keep herself calm through this whole ordeal. "Haley, if I knew you were cutting yourself, I would have, I would have tried to help earlier on. I never meant to do this to you."
"I was too afraid to ask for help," Haley whispered, mustering the best smile she could when Brooke looked at her through her watery eyes. Haley sniffled slightly and pushed on. "And I did try to tell you once. But, you, you told me to tell it to someone who cares," her voice broke; remembering that night like it was yesterday. "They had just died, Brooke and you were already moving on and pushing me away."
"I had to push you away," Brooke admitted, closing her eyes and hating herself for her past actions. "It was the only way I could deal. I figured, I figured if I could watch you suffer, I could, I could move on and pretend everything would be okay."
"Everything wasn't alright, Brooke!" Haley screamed, tears pouring down her face. "You wanted to watch me suffer? Was that to get back at me for all those years I got you into trouble with Mom and Dad?" Haley felt her stomach churn when Brooke looked down at her lap, nodding her head shamefully. "How could you do something like that?"
"I can't deal with pain, Haley!" Brooke yelled back, letting out a frustrated groan before tearing at her hair. "I run away from it and I make people feel bad to make me feel better. But, god, don't you think I miss them? I think about them every day and I wonder what life would be like if we still had them here with us. Granted, they would probably be divorced, but still! At least we would have someone here to comfort us when we needed it."
"We have each other."
"That wasn't good enough for me," Brooke cried, tears and tears falling down her face. If she didn't know any better, this seemed like the longest she ever cried in front of someone. Sure, Haley had seen her cry before, but not this long and hard. "I needed them, I needed them to be there for me when I went through puberty, I needed them there to tell me that there are other fish in the sea when my first boyfriend broke up with me. I need them here now to help me help you get through this."
"I need them too," Haley whispered, inching closer to Brooke and grabbing her hand. "But you've got me and Taylor, and, and Ben too. You're not alone, Brooke and you never will be. And even though they're gone, they're still here with us. Death ends a life, not a relationship."
"You're right," Brooke smiled, giving Haley's hair a slight ruffle. "So can we just kiss and make up?" Haley made a face and shrugged her shoulders a bit.
"We can make up but not kiss," Haley laughed, shifting so she was now facing Brooke and giving her a tight hug. Brooke did the same and couldn't help but feel like everything was going to be okay as she held onto Haley, not wanting to let go. "Thanks, thanks for being so supportive through all of this."
"No problem," Brooke told her, rubbing her hand up and down Haley's back. They stayed in each others arms for a bit until they were interrupted by the bathroom door opening.
"Are you guys having some sort of pow wow in the bathroom or what?" Taylor asked with a small laugh, watching as Brooke and Haley pulled back from each other and wiped their eyes. She took a deep breath and knelt down in front of Haley, hoping she wasn't going to bitch her out. "Hay, I'm so sorry."
Before Taylor could finish, Haley reached up and wrapped her arms around her. Taylor couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief and hugged Haley back, smiling up at Brooke. Haley pulled back eventually and got to her feet, opening the drawers to the cabinet where the sink was on. She rummaged through it and pulled out the pack of razors she used to cut herself many times before.
"Um," she whispered, moving the bag back and forth in her hand, debating what to do with them. Brooke and Taylor looked at her curiously, watching as she tried so hard to control herself. "I don't think….I don't think I need them anymore," she finally said, tossing them into the trash and looking back at her two sisters, who were now on their feet. "Promise you won't let me do that again?"
"Promise," Brooke and Taylor said in unison, their heart sinking when Haley finally burst into a fit of sobs. "Hales, don't cry," Brooke told her, stepping forward and wrapping her in her arms. "It's okay to be scared."
"I just wish I could take it all back," Haley cried, burying her head into Brooke's shoulder as Taylor rubbed her hand up and down her back. "I want them all to go away. I hate, I hate looking at them."
"It's going to take time," Taylor told her softly, running her hands through Haley's hair and patting her back gently. "But you've got us to help you get through it. We're never going to leave you, Hay, never."
"I know," Haley replied, pulling herself out of Brooke's arms and rolling up her sleeve so she could see the scars. "I can't look at them."
"So don't," Taylor said, rolling Haley's sleeve back down and holding it in place. Haley sniffled and wiped her eyes, thankful that her sisters forgave her after she said the nastiest things to them earlier. "Do you want to go lie down? You look exhausted."
"We'll lie with you," Brooke offered, leaving Haley no room to protest when she took a hold of her arm and began leading her towards her bedroom. Brooke sat her down and sighed when Haley had more tears coming down her cheeks. She watched her grab Mr. Waffles and collapse in the middle of the bed. Taylor smiled sadly and lied down on Haley's right while Brooke lied down on her left.
"I love you guys," Haley whispered after minutes of trying to get her tears to cease. When they finally did, she snuggled closer to both her sisters and felt a smile coming on when they both patted her knee. "I'm just going to doze for a bit, okay?" Taylor nodded her head and leaned over and quickly kissed her forehead, watching Brooke do the same.
They fell into silence and stared up at the ceiling while Haley did her best to ignore the day's events. She finally closed her eyes after a few moments but quickly opened them when she felt Brooke grab her arm.
"Just incase," Brooke said with a smile, rubbing her hand up and down Haley's arm. Haley nodded her head and looked at her thankfully before shutting her eyes again; ready to forget about today and hoping tomorrow was going to be better. And now that everything was in the open, maybe it would be. She could only wait and see what life was going to throw at her next.
I know it's a little much for one chapter, but I had to get it all in there because the next chapter skips to the end of summer. I hope you guys liked it and once again, please tell me what you think and I'll try and start working on the ending ASAP.