Selfless

Four – Hate

David's earliest memory was of sitting outside his father's home, watching a mother cat and her kittens. It had baffled him, truly, to watch the care and love shown by an animal. If an animal could show such care, how much might a mother? He'd certainly noticed how cold his mother was, how much she despised when he tried to wrap his arms around her.

But, that day was the first time he'd realized that it wasn't supposed to be like that.

It turned out to be his first experiment. Yes, at the age of five, David Hayward made his first experiment. In some ways, it was not an experiment but a test, and Vanessa failed miserably. In some ways, the realization was incredibly painful for the boy, like a hole where something should have been.

And, yet, in some strange way, he had felt, for the first time, that he had been right all along from the beginning… Vanessa didn't love him, didn't give a damn about him… but, hadn't he known it all along, hadn't he felt it in the way she refused to treat with something more than the irritation warranted for some bug?

It had been proof for him and, like the smart child he always was, he'd finally admitted that his instincts had always been correct… no, the pain had never lessened, not really but he'd managed to deal with it, manage it in a way that didn't break him. The realization, when it came for Greenlee Smythe, wasn't as easy to accept.

Maybe it was because Mary wasn't quite as cruel… it wasn't that Mary didn't love her daughter so much as, in the more important ways, she just loved herself more— and Greenlee, even as a girl, always felt it. While David had made himself deal with the fact, Greenlee had refused to acknowledge defeat.

Even in her twenties, so much of her life had somehow come back around to how much she wanted Mary to act like a real mother. And, sadly, a part of her still craved, although the painful fact was finally sinking in a clear truth… even if Mary loved her, she'd always love herself more.

David, sitting back and watching Greenlee try to truth out, saw it nonetheless winning out… moments like this were what left it a glaring, painful fact in his mind that he couldn't help her through this. No matter how much he might like to, the actual act of stepping forward, putting his arms around her and telling her that it wasn't the end of the world was harder than it seemed.

But, then, he'd always been a coward when it came to Greenlee, wasn't he?

He sat in his usual mood in the office, like he'd been the last couple of weeks, trying to shake himself out of his own mood… a mood that had everything to do with Greenlee Smythe and surprisingly little to do with the fact that he'd just lost a patient, Harry Miller, married 58 years to his lovely wife, Lynn… he'd had a good life, gotten the chance to tell Lynn he loved her one last time before he went into surgery…

There were worse ways to die… and live, so why grieve for him like that? He'd talked to the wife, spoken to her about how he'd gone in mid-surgery, painlessly, just ending… she'd cried and told David that she had to tell the kids… There were worse ways to live… to go being remembered as a fine husband and wonderful father…

No, his bad mood had to do with the fact that Greenlee had decided to ignore his very existence by any means necessary… she refused to answer his calls, return his calls, refused to even acknowledge him when he'd dropped by to check on her a few days after the incident…

His entire universe was now focused completely on her, like his very balance when it came to day to day life came down to needing her somehow where he could see her, maybe touch her… these days, she was his very reason for existing, which, hey, that was a lot for her to do, wasn't it?

If he could just find some way to wash the Lavery muck from her system… find some way to make her the way she was supposed to be, before he got his hands on her…

She was good at lying to herself, always had been gifted at that little way of making sure you survive life, but this was just too much, even for her to hide from herself. She stood, silent, watching as her husband picked up Kendall's bag, carefully handed it to her with a quiet chuckle in her neck as he walked past her.

Greenlee watched his hand brush her hip, brush very softly across Kendall's ass before he left, glancing once her way calmly before heading to his office… she watched Kendall shakily take a seat, only half listening to Simone's mindless chattering… glancing nervously Greenlee's way once, she looked away, brushing curls from her face.

Shit… With surprising calmness, she took a seat, feeling rather chilled as she set down her bag and clicked on her computer… you selfish, pig-headed son of a bitch… I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…

Movement at her side brought her attention as she watched, blankly, Kendall's reaction to Slater coming in, keys dangling from his fingers. She was fucking glowing as she began her immediate verbal judo with her husband… and he responded in kind, and even where she was, Greenlee could see his eyes sparkling.

And Greenlee could also watch, silent, as Ryan watched the two, face closed off as he watched the way Mr. and Mrs. Slater taunted each other… I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…

He sat, staring down at the phone, eyes riveted on the white plastic, biting his knuckle, blocking out Lily's counting of the shadows from the blinds that decorated the floor. Lily didn't even matter right now, not really… all that mattered was that Chanelle called back soon.

She said she would, she said she'd call back when she got back from school… Reggie shifted, ignored the stiffness as he sat forward farther. When lily happily chirped "Forty-three" his only was a grunt.

Frowning slightly, she studied her brother, cocked her head thoughtfully, before commenting, "You mouth is turned down, Reggie… is something wrong? I can go tell Dad."

"Nothing wrong, just… go away, okay? Find a book or something… I'm waiting for a call."

"From who?"

"Lily… please, just—go to your room, okay? Please? After I talk to this girl, we can do something, okay? But, right now, I need some alone time."

She clearly wasn't happy with it, but, making a face, she finally obeyed, heading quietly to her room… and he got back to his waiting, sitting and waiting for her to finally call. Damn it… how long did she go to school these days! What, was it an all-day class! When the phone suddenly rang, a shrill sound in the silence of J's apartment, he lunged for it, answering it with a yelp of "Reggie Porter speaking!"

"Hey, baby brother, calm down… you're as jumpy as you always were!" She laughed, and he could just see how she looked when she laughed… she was laughing, really happy laughing… "When was the last time she played some ball, huh?"

"Chanelle…" He hesitated, shaking his head before remembering that she couldn't see him. "I needed to talk to you…"

"It's true Reg." She sighed, and he remembered how her eyes always lowered when that relief filled her face. "She's… Mom's clean, Reggie and it's not like before, you know? This time is so different than just all those old programs… Mom's really done with all of that shit, she's… it's like she's all new again, Reg."

"How do you know it won't be like before? She always goes back, you know that! It doesn't matter how good she's doing, she always falls right back into that shit."

"This isn't like before… it's different. She's different… it's going to be different this time. She's clean and happy and we're all happy. I mean, I'm in school and so are the girly-girls… we're all happy and she's… Mom's really happy and she looks so much better than she did when we left."

"So…"

"She meant what she said, Reg… she wants to come to Pennsylvania… she wants you to be back with us, you know, like a family."

Once again, small update and, yes, I too wanted to slap Ryan silly! Anyhoo, I want reviews here people! This chapter goes along with the last chapter of Love Story, in case you're interested and this is what I didn't include in that little fic! Hope you enjoyed it!