AN: Hey, look, my favorite, smut-tinged angst, my favorite! Below are some of Greens' thoughts as she falls deeper into her ownrealizations about herselfand David gets an invite. Reggie starts keeping secrets and don't forget that this goes hand-in-hand with "A Love Story". This first part is a flashback to my version on Thanksgiving 2004 because, since David wasn't helping that blonde baby-napper, he was somewhere in Pine Valley. The lyrics used between scenes come from Puddle of Mudd's amazing "Blurry". The entire thing is like five minutes long so I cut out the choruses except for the one. The conversation that Greens is thinking about in the final scene is, of course, the "bear trap" scene!

Selfless

Chapter Six – Lost

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

With the key in the lock, he jiggled it a few times, sighing as he wrestled with the door; he snorted when it finally opened and he shoved his way into his cabin, kicking the door closed behind him. Tossing his keys to the desk, he locked it before striding to the desk and pressing the light on his phone, starting his messages.

"Hello, David, it's Joe Martin. Ruth and I were just wondering if you had yourself a meal tonight. Tad will be eating with Krystal and the Chandlers tonight so we were wondering if you might want to come by and pick yourself up a plate. You can get back to me, you know my number."

David kept his eyes on the bag that he set on the desk, pulling out his dinner of turkey sub and setting it on the polished wood of the desk. The fact that all he wanted to do was lunge for the phone, punch in the number and beg him to let him come over for something that might resemble a real family?

Nope… no… didn't matter… not at all.

He waited for a good minute and a half, waited for the message he wanted to hear and when it didn't come, he raised his head, frowning as he stared at the phone. The muscles in his jaw tightened, dark eyes showed hurt for just a second before he beat it back forcefully.

He reached out, grabbed up the phone and pulled it into his lap, cradling phone between ear and shoulder as he punched in numbers with more emotion than should be. He listened to the rings, waited, growing more upset and tense with each ring… when she finally answered, he sat forward, some part of him relaxing at her voice.

"David?"

"Greenlee… I called you earlier, did you get my message?"

"Yeah—" And then she giggled, a sudden burst of noise that caused something like irritation to flicker inside him. He listened, face closed as she giggled and whispered with Lavery, talking about his hand somewhere on her thigh. It made that flicker grow stronger and he held in his breath for a moment, beating back the wild surge of hatred.

"Screw your husband later, Greenlee; if you got my message, why didn't you call me back?"

"I forgot… Ryan, get off for a second would you…? Look, what do you want anyway?"

It hurt and it shouldn't have; she would learn in a few months or years what it was that connected her to Lavery. And it wasn't love… no, it was hate and jealousy, it was the fact that Kendall finally had the one thing Greenlee wanted—a mother—and Kendall didn't deserve to have everything.

"I thought you might come by for a few minutes for Thanksgiving."

"Oh… well, I can't. Tonight, Ryan and I are having a night at home… you know, alone."

With his hand on your thigh… David swallowed, taking a moment before speaking again. "It's Thanksgiving, Greenlee. A time for family and, you know, togetherness. You know this, don't you?"

"David… Ryan is my family. Jonathon is my family and Jack and, yeah, even Erica on a good day!"

So easy, it would have been so fucking easy to throw Leo in her face. But he cared about her too much, even when she was being a bitch like right now. He would be able to see, even without seeing, her face tighten and her eyes go empty and her voice shift into that broken waver that made him ache for her.

"I got to go, Greenlee."

She had the opportunity to ask "what?" before the line went dead and he stared down at the phone for long moments, feeling his heart do an odd sort of dance in his chest. When the phone hit the wall, it hit hard, shattering as bits of plastic that scattered across the floor of the cabin.

Grabbing up his keys, food forgotten, he left the cabin, flinging himself into his car; tearing out of his driveway, he headed for the hospital, where he was too important to turn away on a night when other people wanted to go home to their families. Yeah… he was useful and needed there, wasn't he?

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

He stared down at the envelope, considering the words written in flowing script and beautiful black ink… turning from his door, he headed to his desk, where someone would often find him working long hours of the night.

Dropping it to the polished hardwood, David contemplated, running a hand hard along his neck and then through his hair, letting out his breath with an explosive noise of reflection. He didn't need to and God knows he didn't need the stress of dealing with Slater; his new wife wasn't all that bad but him?

He didn't need the stress, not really and he knew that. Yet, here he was, staring down at the writing and actually thinking about going… and he had no idea. Or, rather, he had some idea of why he was thinking like some idiot with Lavery or Martin genes and he just didn't like it all that much.

His instincts were screaming to go. Not telling or insisting and trying to bribe him. No, they were screaming for him to pull out one of his perfect tuxes and go to the casino opening and suffer through any shit he might encounter because he needed to. Why did he need to? He had no idea why he needed to and it irritated him… and yet, he needed to.

David hadn't followed his instincts at times and when he didn't, things got bad. He had learned it constantly. For so long, his instincts had screamed for him to take care of Vanessa, get rid of her somehow and he hadn't listened well enough, hadn't followed them and look what had happened.

Those same instincts had pounded at him not to let Leora get her chest opened, not to let even Joe get at her… it had been a constant roaring not to let her be opened and operated on, the knowledge that she simply would not make it… he hadn't done enough, hadn't stood his ground enough and now she was some little body laying in the ground.

David had to go to that opening, even if the entire night ended in him and Eddie Boy and Slater all coming to blows. Even if the casino ended up exploding or floating away or space aliens landed and abducted them all… he had to go.

He sighed and shook his head but nonetheless headed for his bedroom, opening his closet and checking the shape of his tuxes at the moment… maybe he needed to buy a new one for the opening? If he did, he might as well go and get one now… three days before the opening.

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

Ryan was still at Fusion, eyes on Kendall as she moped about something going on between her and Zach. Greenlee had no idea and while some part of her wished that she'd just go and bug Kendall for an answer, she was just too stressed out and tense to put herself through that.

This hurt her a bit, made a part of her tighten up at how many things were now missing in her life. Once her and Kendall would be bickering and squabbling but still bonding over whatever was going on between Kendall and her husband. Now she was alone, shopping alone, eating alone, figuring out Kendall's strange little brain alone and wishing she wasn't so goddamn alone.

Now, stepping into her bedroom, she reached up, hanging the dress bag on the back of the door. Pausing just long enough to kick off her Manola's, she started pulling her blazer off, letting it drop to the floor and starting work on her top, peeling it up and off, letting that drop also.

She remembered being this lonely as a girl, while Dad did his things and Mom had her boys on whatever surface she could find and yet these days it was so much more painful for her to feel. Once, Kendall would have been here, with her, and they would have been feasting on bon-bons and Cheese Danishes.

Everything was wrong and it just kept getting worse and Greenlee was just so tired of pretending like she was happy.

Ryan didn't make her happy… their sex life consisted of Ryan grabbing her whenever Kendall was watching and shoving a hand up her skirt. Any other time, she almost didn't exist and he sure as hell didn't do anything to keep her occupied. Even before he'd decided that he still wanted Kendall, any times he'd decided to give her attention, it was half-hearted at most.

Ryan had, in simplest terms, not given her an actual orgasm in nearly six months.

No, she'd had her orgasms during her tryst with David, and they had been extremely nice; apparently all those affairs with his nurses had given him skill and he hadn't been kidding when he'd joked about that. She was still acutely aware of how well their bodies had worked together, how they had moved together.

Greenlee was married and she was bound to Ryan and yet here she was, sliding her skirt past her hips and down, enjoying the memory of David's hands on her back and how right his weight had felt on her. She was married and thinking back, all too happily, on her tryst with her brother-in-law…

It had never been like this with Leo. She'd only had so much time in wedded bliss with him and yet she'd never thought of anyone with him and she knew that she never would have. Even in their hardest moments, her connection with him had been powerful and so, so strong. It had been nothing like the hell she was in now and it didn't make sense.

She wasn't like her mother and father, she wasn't like Erica… she'd always sworn that when she married, she would keep her vows because they were vows. And here she was, desperately craving some way to get out of her vows to Ryan and get back in David's hold, into hands that had made her arch and shudder and whimper his name.

Getting to the bathroom, she twisted on the hot water, bending low to shove in the stopper; turning, she headed to the mirror, studying her reflection, staring at the way the black straps of her bra looked against her skin. Beneath her fingers, her stomach was soft and firm and she ran her palms up and down roughly, warming up the blood, remembering how his head had rested there.

She remembered being fifteen and desperate to be touched, held, noticed and seen in some way, hungry for any kind of acknowledgement; she remembered how many had gotten into her pants simply by saying they loved her. They had given her a few moments of happiness, a few moments of this utter joy that had erased how much she wanted to cry and sob and curl into a ball and die.

Greenlee couldn't hate them, even though they'd gotten what they wanted from the Smythe girl, because they had kept their promise in some warped, twisted way. She'd never thought much of the actual act, being turned off by how much she messed up her make-up and hair but it always achieved its purpose, and she ended up having those blessed moments of perfection.

She wanted to be touched right now, wanted it with the same desperation she'd felt when she'd been young and needy. She wanted to be touched, held, noticed and seen and it was getting stronger every minute, making breathing difficult and existing even harder. Closing her eyes, she passed fingertips across her skin, shivering slightly as she remembered the feel of stubble there.

It was so easy to flee the bathroom, dig her phone out of her bag and flip it open but dialing the number? He would answer, he would give her what she needed and wanted… he denied her nothing and had never been able to say no to her. He'd be there in a matter of minutes and wouldn't say no to her, wouldn't be able.

The urge was so strong that it caused a shudder to rip through, a harsh movement that made her groan softly and her eyes closed, the hand holding the phone clenching hard. A few numbers and he would be here, treating her like she wanted so badly and wanting nothing in return.

No. With a noise low in her throat, she shut her cell and stood there, not caring that she was wearing nothing but her underwear… it was so expensive, why not walk around and show it off? David would love it… he loved her in black and he'd loved what she was wearing that night under her new dress.

No. Shaking, she dropped her phone to the nearest table, and stood staring at it with wide eyes. No. She was married to Ryan… she had vows to follow, a marriage to stay loyal to… Ryan didn't make her react, make her arch and shudder and whimper his name… he didn't look at her the way David had, the way David looked at her whenever he could get her alone and try to talk to her before she bolted in her heels and dresses and beautiful hair.

No. Turning, she fled, slamming the bathroom door behind and leaning against it, panting, eyes on the steaming water in the tub. She moved away from the door, shut the water off and stared down at her bath, stared down into the depths of the water, studying the way it looked when it finally stopped rippling.

Perfect, steam softly rising in curls of pale gray, twisting and curving before fading from view; spinning, she stood with feet legs spread, feet pressed flat against the tile of Ryan's bathroom floor, studying her reflection or trying to through the steam on the mirror. It was all blurry, she saw with a sudden clarity.

Her reflection was all blurry because she was all blurry… she reached out, touched glass, ran fingers through what looked like solid mist, biting her lip. Even more blurry than before… she wanted David and she couldn't have him. So much and so badly it hurt and it did, a pain in the deepest parts of herself that made her shiver even in the wet heat of the steam-field bathroom.

No… she was shaking as she eased into the water, skin trembling at the heat and she inhaled softly when she finally stilled, shivering as she adjusted… this was better… she didn't need David, she didn't want him… she had never thought of him like that and she had never wondered those things before that night… she'd never wanted him before that night… never…

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Alana Porter had been seventeen when she'd had her first child, a daughter she'd named Chanelle and, within two years, she'd had her son, Reginald and he'd always suspect that she'd named him that just to get back at him for ruining her affair with the banker who'd lost interest when she'd grown herself an extra pooch.

Alana Porter was not a good mother and her children could testify to that. Her oldest daughter, Chanelle, had intense problems that stemmed from her neglect growing up, problems that remained as pale marks across her arms even after she'd come to terms with her issues.

Reginald had gone the other way, acting out and dealing. The fact that he'd grown up getting the good stuff for his mother so she didn't get arrested made it even easier and he had no problems getting the few dealers in Pine Valley to trust that he wouldn't rat them all out.

The fact was, very few people in Pine Valley, Pennsylvania really thought about the street kids and it showed in the steadily increasing number so gang-related activity and dealing. Derek Frye and Olivia Frye-Cudahy simply could only do so much and Jackson Montgomery could do even less, seeing as even fewer of the kids they brought in trusted the rich D.A.

The most good he had ever done was to take in Reginald Porter a few years before and finally give him a family that consisted of more than a group of people struggling to survive and deal with how much of their life didn't make sense. Reggie's life was finally, finally beginning to make sense and having Alana call him up and announce that she wanted back into his life was slowly breaking it all back down.

With Jack dealing with Erica's fake mental breakdown, he was left scrambling for something to hold onto. His attempts to get a hold of Bianca and Maggie left him feeling even more desperate and he turned to Dani, but she was stuck at Fusion, helping Simone with the next marketing campaign… the fact that it looked more like them giggling over Ethan Ramsey had absolutely nothing to do with the irritation he felt inside.

Now, he sat staring down at the plate of burger and fries that sat before him, growing cold as he stared at it; he poked at it every so often with a fork, eyes intense and not really seeing the meat and cheese and wilting lettuce. More than anything, he wanted to talk with Mags, but she was off with Jonboy, bonding happily with the weirdo. And, hey, Jamie was off with that blonde bitch while JR mourned for his kid.

"I'm clean, baby and I wish you would believe me about this because I love you and I want us to be a family again… the kind of family we were supposed to be before… they said I could, if you let me."

Throwing down the fork, he rested his head in his hands, sighing in exhaustion and wishing he had some Tylenol for this headache. Standing, knowing he wouldn't be able to eat this, he took the plate to another table, set it down and left the restaurant, heading down the sidewalk and trying to prepare himself for telling Jack that his Mom was coming back to town with his sisters.

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

She was not in good shape and she leaned her weight against her sink, feeling cold porcelain beneath her arms and hands and breathing slowly and carefully. Raising her head, she studied the face, rubbing it as she did to bring in some color. Grimacing at the sight of the paleness, she opened the cabinet, started pulling out make-up and soaps and gels, snorting as she did.

In her pale blue tank top and sleeping shorts, she started her work, washing off her face and drying it, the feel of cold water waking her completely. When she left her bathroom, peeling her tank off over her head, she was fully alert and stepping lightly on the balls of her feet.

She was good at dealing with the mornings after and, not at all bothered by the way her clothes had been thrown around, she stepped to her drawer, pulled out a bra and snapped it on, turning to the closet and pulling out an outfit she hadn't worn yet; dropping it to the bed, she dressed and started her hair, easily managing the fall of dark tresses, taming them into a fashionable sweep of dark color.

Okay… she was good… sometimes the comedown could be a bitch but she was getting used to it now… smirking to her reflection and still savoring the few moments of joy he'd given her last night in the corner of the club, she left, bouncing down the stairs… she was a survivor…

"Autumn! Get down here now; I have a meeting with Montgomery about that brat of his!"

Not at all bothered, she approached him where he stood by the door, staring at her with annoyance… sweeping past him, she dove into the car, watching him climb in and offering him a grin that he completely ignored. Her grin wilted the smallest bit before it returned with even more glee. Fine… he wanted to ignore her… let's see him ignore the next meeting with Montgomery about Blondie.

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

And Greenlee laid in her tub, staring up at her ceiling through the warm water, breath beginning to burn in her lungs but still unmoving. Arms crossed over her breasts, she lay in silence and stillness, and she watched how the water shifted above her, the slightest blurring of her sight.

David's hands on her breasts and her stomach, on her shoulders and back, roaming across her skin and his mouth on her neck and her jaw line… their hips moving together in that perfect rhythm that she'd wanted for so long, after all those times looking at him and wondering if he ever wondered about her…

Too much pain in her lungs, in her chest, and she could see a few strands of her hair float before her sight, the first real change in her vision in what felt like hours. She exhaled the smallest bit, watched the sight of the ceiling blur even more and studied it finally fall calm again.

When they'd finally finished their lovemaking and he'd looked at her in that way that made her ache inside… he hadn't wanted her, and she'd given him that chance, that night, tried to see if she was right about the way he sometimes looked at her, about the way she felt when he glanced at her in that way with that something slipping out.

He'd told her as good as no… told her that love wasn't worth it… he'd given her his answer and made it clear without saying the words… she wasn't worth the risk… she couldn't hate him for that, not really… he was still recovering from the last blows to his heart, still licking his wounds over that bitch who'd run off to the City of Lights while he died a little bit more inside…

Bitch… her feelings for Anna ran deep and she closed her eyes for a moment, easing the rage that flared through her veins… had to calm down… and she did, thinking back again on how he had touched her like she was something sacred and wanted and needed and she was the only one he wanted…

When she finally burst up from the water, dragging in deep breaths, her skin was burning with his touch and, if she had the phone there, with her, she'd be calling him… and she'd spend the rest of the day enjoying the way he touched her like she was sacred and wanted and needed…

But she wasn't holding the phone… Sitting up, hair plastered to her face and neck, stuck to her breasts and back, she waited, contemplating how hard it was to get out of the tub and go call him… she took in a breath, held it in and slipped back down, down into water that burned her skin and down into memories of how his hands burned her skin the same way.