Author's Note: Yay! I got it out on time! Okay, you may have noticed I've started another story as well but I promise not to abandon this one. How could I? I want to find out what happens as much as you do! (well, I know what happens but…you know what I mean). And by the way (shameless plug alert!) if you like this story you should check out my new one, Alter Ego. The first chapter is up and the second one is in the works, hopefully to be posted in a few days. It's more of a romantic comedy -- I figured a change of pace would help me stay fresher.

    Oh, and just to let you know, I got a pert in my high school's spring mainstage production of Harvey, so I'm going to start having rehearsals every day after school (fun, but a lot of work). Anyway, I don't think it will slow down my updates (I usually write on the weekends anyway) but just FYI, in case it does.

    Thanks as always for the reviews! Keep 'em comin'!

    Okay, just a couple of very brief responses (I couldn't resist):

Fallen-snow: I love that someone cares when I update! That's so cool! Please feel free to grumble all you like (I know exactly how you feel -- I've done a bit of 'update-grumbling' myself). I take it as a compliment!

Crystal Music: Tell me about it! I've started offering to proofread for people, though no one has taken me up as yet. Oddly enough my grammar has improved from correcting so many sloppy fics (as I read them, I mean)!

InuGoddess: Cool, I can't believe someone else knew the line! That's awesome! I feel better now…

    Alright, here's the fic!

Missing in Action

Chapter 5: Light and Shadows

Kagome took a sip of her tea, then replaced the cup on the table before her, cradling her head in shaking hands. She took an unsteady breath, wrestling with the dark emotions that had been stirred up within her all over again at the news of Miroku.

She feared for him greatly, but perhaps even more so she feared for Sango. It was one thing to die; when life ends, so does pain, so does longing. It was quite another thing to be the loved one left behind, for when one you care for deeply simply disappears all that is left is emptiness and loss.

Until now Kagome had come to believe she had moved on from what had happened, but seeing Sango in such a state only served to remind her of her own experience. All she could do was remember now, the hurt, the emptiness, all renewed. Images flashed before her eyes like snapshots, haunting her. Words and voices struck her to the very soul as she recalled them in perfect detail.

But despite all of these things, she didn't cry. Instead she seemed to grow increasingly numb to everything around her. Perhaps, she thought, there is a point at which sorrow goes beyond tears, and becomes only a barrier to other emotion of any kind. If so, I must have reached that point some time ago.

"Is Sango alright?" Inuyasha's voice brought her out of her reverie and she lifted her gaze to the hanyou with a small, lifeless smile.

"She will be, I hope. She's resting."

"What happened?" he questioned in concern, taking a seat beside her at the table.

"Apparently she heard a rumor that a young man was killed by the soldiers who were scouting the village for spies. He matched the description of a friend of ours, Miroku. You met him, remember?" He nodded in response as she continued in the same weary tone. "We're afraid he may have been mistaken for a spy, that he's the one who was killed."

Inuyasha's brow furrowed, his eyes filled with sympathy. "But how can you be sure it's the same man?"

"We can't. That's the worst part. But we don't even know where to look for him, to at least find out if he's..." she trailed off. "Sango is heartbroken. She...she and Miroku were very close...on some level at least."

The hanyou watched her as she spoke quietly, not entirely to him anymore. She was talking about Sango, but it seemed to him that her mind was elsewhere. Still, it was clear that both women were very worried for their friend, and Inuyasha wished to help them in any way he could.

"I'll help you," he said, and her eyes met his, slightly surprised.

"What?"

"I'll help you find your friend, this Miroku," he repeated, his eyes not leaving hers.

She replied, "Thank you. That's very generous, but as I said, we don't even know where to begin."

He shrugged lightly, a hint of that arrogant smirk of his quirking the corners of his lips. "Well then, we'll just have to do a bit of digging, won't we?"

In spite of the dire circumstances and her earlier depression, Kagome found her mood lightening a bit in response to his characteristic cockiness. She smiled appreciatively, this time with more life, more depth to the expression. She barely realized that she had yet to take her gaze from his face. For a moment the pair sat in silence, until both became aware that their eyes were locked and the silence became uncomfortable, laden with unspoken emotions.

Seeking escape, both hanyou and woman stood to leave, as a result finding themselves face to face, scant inches from each other. Kagome's breath hitched as she stared first into the man's eyes, then dropped her gaze to his lips. How did he manage to do this to her? With just a look, just being near him, she was blushing like a schoolgirl. The thought of kissing him put butterflies in her stomach when she thought they had long since exiled themselves. Innocence was one thing she had not had for a long time, yet near him, she might as well have been a virgin.

All at once Kagome turned away, remembering at that thought a certain handsome ebony-haired Nazi who was expecting her presence tonight. The butterflies evaporated, replaced with a gnawing sensation -- dread perhaps? Or was it more like guilt?

Inuyasha watched various expressions chase each other across the woman's face as she looked into his own. He was almost tempted to reach out and close the distance between them, but something in her countenance held him back. Then her eyes widened almost imperceptibly as something seemed to occur to her, and she turned abruptly away. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, dropping his chin only slightly.

"I have to go," she muttered quietly, gathering her coat and purse and sweeping out the door. She didn't look back at him once.

* * *

After Kagome left, Inuyasha had tried to get some things done in the kitchen, knowing that Sango probably wouldn't be up to it and Kagome was off on another of her mysterious outings. It took him about a half an hour to wash two dishes, so distracted was he, so eventually he gave up and found himself back in his room with the diary once again.

December 22, 1936
Dear Diary.

I can't believe it! Hojo finally gave me my first kiss tonight! It was unbelievable. We were just sitting on this bench in the park talking about the play we went to, and then he sort of leaned in and said, "Kagome, would it be alright if I...I mean...may I kiss you?" I told him yes and then we...

Oh geez, what a load of crap, Inuyasha thought gruffly. No guy in the entire fucking world could be that corny. He was trying desperately to ignore the little voice in the back of his head as it muttered to him exactly why he was so bothered by this description. To drown out the voice with other thoughts he skipped forward in the diary a ways, hopefully avoiding any further descriptions of 'Mr. Wonderful.'

April 14, 1939
Dear Diary,

I've completed my emergency medical training! Hojo-kun was so proud of me for sticking with it, even when it seemed impossible. I don't know what I would do without him...

You've got to be kidding me! he thought irritably. Can't she talk about anything else but this Hobo wimp? He scowled down at the book and flipped a few more pages.

May 30, 1939
Dear Diary

This was positively the best day of my entire life. What happened was that I was on my way to the library, and when I got there the woman at the desk told me she had a book on hold for me. But the book she gave me wasn't one that I had put on hold and it looked quite new for a library book, so I mentioned it to her. She told me to just go ahead and read the first page or two, then decide if I wanted it or not. I thought it was a bit strange, but I was curious so I went along with it.

Anyway, it turned out to be a copy of Hamlet, which is my all-time favorite, and just inside the cover were written the words 'To the celestial, and my soul's idol, the most beautified Kagome -- woulds't thou consent to be my wife?' When I looked up, there was Hojo, watching me with a smile on his lips. Of course I said yes! I jumped up and ran into his arms and I was crying and laughing at the same time and...I can't describe it. I feel...ecstatic!

We're planning to hold the wedding a month from today!

-- Kagome

Somehow this entry left Inuyasha with an almost sick sort of feeling in his stomach. She married him. Is she...still married to him? In his mind's eye he replayed the scene with her downstairs earlier in the evening, recalling her expression just before she turned away. It had been hard to name at the time, but now he thought he detected a shade of...guilt?

It all seemed to fit. Kagome had married this, this Hojo person, and naturally he was off in combat. No wonder she was so troubled all the time; her husband was risking his life to make the world 'safe for democracy' and she was at home with some strange man living in her apartment. And she always skillfully changed the subject when it came to anything before the war.

Then he thought of Kikyo, falling in love with someone else while he, Inuyasha, was off fighting in the war. The idea of being the cause of that for someone else was not appealing. Not that he was interested, mind you. Yeah, right...not in the least..., he thought wryly. He suddenly felt very tired, so he put the small leather book on the nightstand and turned out the light to go to sleep. Still, it was awhile before his thoughts allowed unconsciousness to overpower them.

* * *

"To us," Kouga said with a confident smile, raising his wine glass to Kagome's. She returned the smile dutifully, but found it somewhat harder to play along than usual.

They were seated next to each other at one corner of the otherwise unoccupied dining room table in Kouga's villa. The table was set with fine china and silver, which reflected the soft glow of the candles and firelight warming the room. It was a very romantic setting, perhaps not entirely unusual for Kouga, but it seemed slightly more lavish than normal to Kagome. She highly suspected it had something to do with him wanting to impress that general, who continued to stay with him. It was like he was trying to draw attention to his little trophy mistress -- it was always about trophies with him.

"So, anything interesting happen lately? Have you caught any of those spies you've been looking for?" she asked, hoping eventually to reach the topic of Naraku; so far he'd been quite careful not to give her any good information on him. In the meantime, perhaps she could get a lead on Miroku.

"Mm," he considered, "A couple of my men gunned down a spy not long ago, west of the village -- a tall guy with dark brown hair, I think. They tried to apprehend him, but he was too stubborn and ran instead." He smirked slightly at that, "Should have known better. They shot him, straight through the head."

Kagome's mouth went dry at his words, but she swallowed and continued as if nothing were amiss. "Well, I guess he got what was coming to him then didn't he."

Luckily Kouga didn't seem to catch the slight strain in her voice as he quickly took back the lead of the conversation. "Yes, indeed. There's one thing though that's troubling me: this plane we found outside of town a week or two ago. We've been searching for the pilot, but there's no sign of him anywhere." He paused in consideration. "You haven't come across anyone strange lately, have you?"

"Hm?" she was only half listening at this point, "Oh. No, not that I can remember."

"Not surprising I suppose. He was smart enough to throw us off the trail, so chances are he was smart enough not to head into town."

"Mm," she nodded absently. Kouga, too wrapped up in the sound of his own voice didn't register her lack of attention.

A pilot, hm? Could it have been... No, that's ridiculous. He doesn't look like any of the pilots I've seen.

The meal continued with Kouga prattling on about various rather pointless topics and Kagome contributing the odd sound of assent, keeping an ear out for any subjects of interest. When at last they had finished dessert, Kouga lazily downed the last of his wine and said with a suggestive quirk of his eyebrow, "Well, shall we go upstairs then?"

That same ill feeling from before, back at the cafe, settled in the pit of her stomach. She managed to draw her lips into what she hoped was a coy smile, and it seemed to satisfy him, because he rose to take her hand and lead him up to his bedroom.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why is this so hard now? I've been his little concubine for nearly a year now, she thought with familiar disgust, and as degrading as it may be I've gotten used to it. But suddenly it's like I'm back to square one.

Then, unbidden, the vision of Inuyasha's amber eyes drifted through her mind, and the sick feeling intensified. I can't do this, she thought as they reached the bedroom door. I just can't...

But she had to. If she pulled away now Kouga would know that something was wrong. He might get suspicious, and that could put all their lives in danger, Inuyasha's included. He didn't deserve to be involved in all of this; he didn't even know.

Kouga slid his arms around her waist, drawing her to him for a kiss. She wanted more than anything to pull away, especially when she felt his tongue slip past her teeth, but she forced herself to kiss him back. When his hand brushed past her hip and slid up underneath her sweater, she closed her eyes tighter, trying to numb herself to the feeling of his hand against her skin. For the first time in months she felt as if she were no more than a common whore, and it disgusted her. The last straw was when a tiny stray thought slipped past her careful defenses.

What would Inuyasha think if he found out?

She couldn't go through with it, not tonight. As gently as she could, she pulled away from Kouga's embrace, putting a hand to her head with a wince.

Kouga frowned slightly. "What's wrong?"

"I...I just have the most awful headache tonight. I'm sorry, but I really think it would be best if I went home and lay down," she said, schooling her voice to sound weak and pitiable.

"Of course, I understand," he replied, but the tone of his voice betrayed his displeasure, making her grimace inwardly. Outwardly she gave him a weak smile and slipped away, toward the door of the room.

"I'll see you later then?" she said quietly as she left.

His eyes narrowed in mild suspicion as he responded quietly, coldly, "Yes, later." But she had already disappeared into the hallway.

* * *

When Kagome was far enough away from the house, she stopped, leaning against a stone wall, eyes closed in frustration. God damn him! I was doing fine before he showed up! It wasn't like I was proud of playing mistress to that Nazi, but I had everything under control. I got used to it, and it was for the cause. Now this jackass shows up, turns my knees to jelly and I grow a fucking conscience!

She banged the back of her head lightly against the wall, fighting the tears springing to her eyes. God damn him... she thought weakly. Her strength failed and she slid down the wall to a sitting position, resting her head against her knees as she began to cry. I can't do this anymore... I just can't -- it's getting too hard...

Everything was so fucked up. If she didn't continue to see Kouga he would get suspicious and he might find out about the whole thing and that would put everyone in danger. For god's sake, he already knew about Miroku; even if he was...dead, maybe someone had seen him visiting them. And if anyone did come for her and Sango, Inuyasha would be mixed up in it as well. He didn't deserve to suffer for their sins, especially since he had no idea what he was getting himself into. Maybe it would be best all around if she sent him away.

But somehow she couldn't bring herself to do that either, not just yet. Maybe after we find out exactly what happened to Miroku, then I'll tell him to leave...we need his help for that, after all, she reasoned.

She sighed heavily, her tears spent at last. Whatever was to be done, she couldn't solve it like this, crying in a dark street. For now she would just have to keep going the way she was going and deal with things as best she could until a suitable solution presented itself. Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she picked herself up off the ground and headed for home.

* * *

Inuyasha blinked awake to the morning sunlight streaming through his window, roused by a soft knock on the door. A moment later the door opened to reveal Kagome as she strode into the room, a smile on her face and apparent confidence in her step. But the look in her eyes belied her outward appearance, and it was that look which troubled him.

"Morning, Inuyasha," she said, trying to sound as cheerful as possible, but she looked as if she hadn't slept a wink all night. In fact, he didn't remember hearing her come home, so she must have gotten in late. If, in fact, she got in at all last night, he thought with an inexplicable grumpiness.

"Morning," he replied sleepily, wishing for all the world that he could just fall unconscious again.

"Come on, get up. We've got lots of-" she broke of abruptly, and he opened his eyes in confusion to see her frozen, staring at something to his left. He glanced over, and suddenly found himself wide-awake, panicking as he looked back and forth between Kagome and the diary, which was still on the nightstand in plain view. Oh shit...

Her jaw tensed in anger as she flicked her livid gaze to Inuyasha's guilty expression. "What is that doing there?" she ground out dangerously.

"Uh..." was his intelligent reply.

"Where did... I mean have you been... Did you read my diary?!" she questioned in a voice pitched just a bit to high, eyes flashing.

Oh shit shit shit... "Uh, well I...um..."

"You jackass! Have you no concept of privacy?!"

He flinched as she raised her voice to shouting level, watching her fists clench and unclench with unexpressed anger.

"Of all the...I can't believe you read...How could you?! Augh!" she exclaimed in disgust, turning to storm out. But before she had gone two paces she whirled back and snatched up the book, shooting him a glare as she left.

Finally he caught up with himself and stumbled after her into the hall. "Wait, Kagome I-" but he was cut off when she slammed her door shut just inches from his face. He closed his eyes with a grimace, kneading his forehead with one hand. Wow, I really fucked that up, didn't I? Shit, he thought hopelessly, slumping against the wall.

* * *

On the other side of the door Kagome's anger was quickly turning into despair. She had been furious at Inuyasha for the invasion of privacy of course, but even more troubling was the simple fact of seeing that particular diary again. She felt as though there were a great hand clenching around her heart, trying to stop it from beating, as she regarded the diary with hollow eyes. Her nails dug into the soft leather, knuckles turning white and once again her vision was obscured by shadows, memories of what seemed now like a former life.

Taking a seat on the edge of her bed, she opened the diary to the very last entry. The page was somewhat wrinkled, as though it had gotten wet but eventually dried, and the penmanship was sloppy and careless, the ink smudged with what she knew to be tear stains.

August 15, 1941
Dear diary,

He's dead. He's dead, and I want nothing more than to die with him. I feel like the world is coming to an end -- there are Nazis all over the place and taking over everything. But I knew everything would be alright, because Hojo was out there, and he would be coming home to me so we could be married. Everything is different now; he's never coming home. I'll never see his beautiful face again, or kiss him, or tell him how much I love him. I'll never get to meet the children we would have had, or know the life we would have lived. All of that died the moment his heart stopped beating. Only I am left behind.
He was my entire world, and I don't think that I can face a world without him in it.
~To die, to sleep; and by to sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to...~

There was no little signature to finish off this entry, only that one haunting quote before the writing became so sloppy that it was no longer words, and stopped altogether. Not long after writing that, Kagome had abandoned the diary completely, locking it away in some forgotten location, the same way she had locked away her heart. But apparently that solution wasn't quite as permanent as she had hoped.

She had not so much as touched a copy of Hamlet since then.

* * *

A/N: Hmm, that one turned out to be a bit on the angsty side, didn't it? Don't worry; they won't all be quite so heavy. In developing Kagome's character it's been surprisingly difficult (mainly in this chapter) to avoid turning her into a basketcase (weird huh? must just be the mood I'm in). I think I've got the hang of it now though. Anyway, please review and let me know what you think!

    Oh, and I'm posting a sort of experimental songfic right after I get this up. I was just playing around with this idea I had…well, go read the fic and review it for me if you get a chance. It's really short, I promise.

    Bye for now!