Disclaimer I do not own Hellsing, so you no sue -

Thanks for the reviews! Sorry that I haven't updated sooner. Please don't kill me, but I've been away in Japan for the past two weeks…eh, anyway, enjoy and don't forget to review!

Littlesnowfaire2005- :grins: Yes, she does have to get her blood drawn…unfortunately she's not going down without a fight! Enjoy chapter 5.

Omega Z- Yes, I do love that. I can't remember if this chapter has a cliffie or not…guess you'll have to read to find out! Enjoy

The Desperado- Yes, Alucard WILL make her suffer. That is if he can first get that controller away from Integra. Heh heh. Enjoy!

AttackingHentaiChibisLoveFluff- :smiles: thanks for the review. Enjoy chapter 5

Alucard's Bane- You're welcome. Hope you get the next email. Heh heh!

JackalGod- Thankee. Enjoy chapter 5!

Wankydoodle- I hope that you didn't giggle too hard, but I am very glad that you've enjoyed it. I hope this chapter is as funny as the others!

TheNoLifeQueen- Thanks. Sorry for taking so long to update. I hope the chapter makes up for not updating so quickly.

Alucard's secret lover- Thank you for the review! I hope you enjoy this chapter and continue reading the rest of the story.

Well, I hope you enjoy this chapter…and you'll understand the title later on during the chapter. Heh heh. Well, this chapter's a bit shorter than the others, but I think it's good. Um, the next chapter will be longer. I promise! Enjoy.

There is a lot of stupidity and OOC, so please don't shoot me. But it is funny. Enjoy chapter five don't forget to review!

Warning: there is a bit of bad language in this chapter, but nothing too over the top. Oh yes, and the F word is said once… (Whilst I am not a big curser, bare with me…I usually do not incorporate words any worse than "damn" into my stories, but I'm making an exception)

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Chapter 5 "Integra said what!"

And just to recap: Integra snatched the list from Alucard, staring intently at it.

Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing, Leader of the Hellsing Organization, Protector and Knight of the Protestant Church, Queen and Country, Master of Monster; Alucard…

…was to donate blood…

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Integra blinked, eyes studying the thin; almost see though paper clasped in her gloved hand. It HAD to be a mistake. There was no way that she was to donate blood, and even if she were, the Administrator would have made sure that it was outside.

Ice blue eyes slowly rose to meet blood red. "No," she growled. "I don't think so, and even if I were to get my blood drawn, it would NOT be by a damned vampire." The grin that was plastered on Alucard's face was growing with each word she said.

"No," she repeated, fist clenched tightly around the paper. Alucard's cool hand wrapped around her arm, forcing her to sit on the bed.

"Ah, wh- what are you doing, Alucard," she snarled, trying to jerk her arm out of his (no pun intended) death-grip. To no avail, naturally.

"Now, now, Master," the vampire chirped, thoroughly enjoying himself. "Relax, it will all be over- OW! Son of a- OWW! STOP IT!"

Integra smirked, a light chuckle slipping through her lips. She waved the controller past his molten ruby eyes as though it were a blood pack. A thin snarl escaped from behind his fangs, but he made no other sign of his anger and pain. The Director raised one of her eyebrows, amused.

Growling and muttering to himself, the vampire, still not having released Integra's arm, stared at the cloth preventing him from working. He sighed slightly and glanced at his Master. Integra glared heatedly at him when he opened his mouth. Alucard clamped his fangs shut and grimaced. (Walter of course was just watching and TRYING not to laugh).

"Remove your jacket and roll up your sleeve," Alucard demanded, rather gruffly. Integra's stare went from heated to ice cold.

"Don't you dare order me, servant," she hissed, jerking her arm from his grip. The vampire glared back.

"Just do it."

"No!"

"Ye- OW! Integra, you have to stop that!"

She smirked. "Then let me go on my way."

"You have to give blood."

"No, I don't!" Another shock.

"Stop it!"

"No!" Two more shocks.

Walter watched, thoroughly amused, as Master and Servant continued to bicker. Finally, after two full hours, the nurse came back in, livid.

"WHAT IS GOING-" Clare stopped dead in her tracks, eyes as wide as saucers.

Both Integra and Alucard looked over at her, frozen. The vampire was straddling Integra, one hand holding his self away from her as much as possible, the other reaching for the controller. Integra, on the other hand, was under him, pressed into the gurney, she was propped up on one elbow while her other arm was stretched far over her head, the controller dangling right above Alucard's outstretched hand.

"Um…"

"Uh…"

The two quickly went to untangle themselves from each other; Integra flushed and Alucard looking away. Clare glared at Alucard.

"And just what were you doing?" (She hadn't noticed it was Integra just yet.)

Not wanting to tell her that he was a vampire in the service to humans and that his Master had put a shock collar around his neck and he was trying to get the controller away from her, he just grinned sheepishly. "I uh…"

Clare glared even harder at him. "You'd best make a complete sentence and USE it quickly," she snapped. The vampire had a fleeting thought of Clare being worse than Integra when angered, but as soon as his blood red eyes glanced at Sir Hellsing (orbs straying to the controller), he shoved the thought out the window. He shook his head slightly, but was quickly answered for by Integra.

"Mrs. Dauber, it seems as though you have been mistaken. It is quite alright…" She bent in closer to the Head Nurse, her voice a whisper. "He also can't…contain himself sometimes…it's rather hard. I've always wondered if he's a bit slow in the head, you know?"

Clare nodded absolving, for her cousin was like that. Of course, Integra made sure to talk loud enough so Alucard could hear. And at that moment, he wanted to murder them both.

'I'm going to murder her now,' he hissed silently in Integra's mind, making her shiver slightly, but easily hid it. He had told her that Clare's death was going to be his at the beginning of the day, and even though Integra told him NOT to kill her, he was having thoughts about going against her word.

The Director's ice eyes glared intently at Alucard as a weak smile formed on the vampire's lips.

'Come now, Master. Would you not agree that it would be better for her to be…gone?'

Integra's slim gloved fingers rested lightly on the controller and Alucard quickly forced the thoughts out of his mind. Ruby eyes narrowed slightly at her giving her the "alright-I-didn't-mean-anything-by-that-remark" look. But she still did not remove her fingers. The vampire suppressed a growl as he realized her intentions.

She was going to push the button.

'Don't push that button, Integra…Hey, what are you-' The thought was cut off as a rather painful shock swept across his nerves. An involuntary growl escaped his lips as he gave a jolt.

All the while Clare had turned her attention to Walter, who was happily chatting away about the best tea.

Integra glared at Alucard, who glared back.

"Don't do that again," he hissed softly.

"Do what," she asked, smirking.

"You know what."

"This?" A shock.

"Ow, damn it! Yes, that!"

"Watch your language!" Another shock.

"AH! STOP IT!"

"Calm down."

"NO! OW!"

Walter and Clare both turned their attention to the bickering pair.

"Are they always like this," Clare asked, mildly interested. Integra had magically pulled out her infamous silver ashtray and was now beating the vampire over the head as he fended her off with needles; err, tried to, that is to say. The controller was momentarily forgotten on the gurney.

"Sometimes," Walter said, sighing slightly. "They used to be like this for a while, but lately Alucard's just be…practically unbearable. I think he's finally figured out what gets under Sir Integra's skin…Of course, the result is…" His voice trailed off as he idly waved his hand in their direction.

Integra slammed her foot onto the now down vampire, keeping him pinned. "Don't you DARE try to bite me again, you fucking abomination!" (Oh dear…Integra really should watch her language). Walter blinked along with Clare as Integra covered her mouth.

Nothing but silence filled the room for a full two minutes and it would have gone on longer had it not been for Alucard suddenly bursting out in laughter.

"YOU should watch your language," he sneered, eyes boring into her own. She glared, raised the ashtray and the last thing Alucard could remember was a flash of silver and then darkness.

"Um…" Clare took a half step forward, stopped, looked at Integra, then Alucard.

"Don't worry. He'll be fine." Integra glanced at Clare as she walked over (and on) Alucard. The Head Nurse blinked and nodded slightly at Integra.

"Alright."

Integra smirked slightly at Alucard's unconscious form, grabbed the controller from the bed and shoved it back into her pocket. Stretching slightly, she slid back up on the bed, eyes trained on the vampire. After a few minutes, he slowly started moving. Gathering himself, he rose, eyes glaring intently at Integra.

The Director smirk grew as she locked gazes with him. "What's wrong, vampire," she taunted. She could see he was getting worked up, but could do nothing.

"Just…let me…draw your blood," he growled through clenched fangs, eyes narrowed. He stood straight, brushing his clothes off.

Clare looked between them both. Seeing that she really wasn't needed any longer, she quickly left the room, giving a silent thanks that she could get out of there. Integra and Alucard had a glaring match (which Walter found entertaining).

Alucard blinked.

"HAH!"

"I'm still drawing your blood."

"I don't think so!"

"Well I do! OW! Don't start this again!"

"Then don't raise your voice to me."

Walter sighed, pulling up a chair.

Here they go again…

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How was that? Good, bad, just okay? Review and tell me your thoughts! Heh heh…well, what will Integra do now? And Alucard? The poor souls. It seemed as though Integra was never going to get her blood drawn, but she finally gave in…or so we think. Once more I leave you all at a cliffie…I'm sorry…

Ok, maybe I'm not totally sorry. Heh…Well, looks like we'll have to wait for the next chapter to see if Integra's going to get her blood drawn. I promise to update faster than what this one was…Well, don't forget to review!

(wow, I think I rambled during this a/n…)

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