Author's Note: Sooooo…long time no see…(--grin--)

Despite evidence to the contrary, neither I, nor this story are dead. True, it has been an unforgivably long time since I updated this (or much of anything else, for that matter), but at the moment my hope is to be able to finish this story by the time I leave for college (at the end of August). Anyway, there have been many many reasons why I haven't touched this one in so long (some better than others), including writer's block, being busy, shows, senioritis, graduation, college stuff and the like…but the bottom line is that it's here now, and (hopefully) shouldn't give me too much more trouble from here on out. As you might know if you've read my bio lately, I had to completely restructure the ending for various reasons, but I now think I have an outline that will actually work. Cheers all around!

Oh, and thanks to everyone who's reviewed even though I've been…well…MIA, so to speak (--grin-- couldn't help myself…). Your encouragement is much appreciated, I assure you. However, considering the length of time I've been gone (and the fact that I'm dead tired – it's 3 am), I'm not even going to attempt to do any sort of review replies right now – so if you have a question you want answered, ask it again. Sound good? Good.

Enjoy…

Missing in Action

Chapter 17: Loved and Lost

Kagome's knuckles hovered hesitantly over the surface of the door. She glanced up and down the hallway apprehensively, as though afraid to be witnessed making such a daring move, though in reality she knew she was merely stalling. It was imperative that they have this conversation eventually, but nonetheless a part of her was downright terrified of what it would entail.

Gathering her strength of will, she rapped sharply upon the metal surface, forcing herself to remain firmly planted, resisting the urge to run.

"Who's there?" Inuyasha's voice drifted out from inside the room.

"Kagome," she answered. "Mind if I come in? I really need to talk to you."

There was a brief pause, during which the woman couldn't help but wonder what he might be thinking, and then he replied with a simple, "Sure."

She turned the handle silently and slipped in the door, closing it soundlessly behind her before turning to face the hanyou. Immediately she was struck with a very vivid sense of deja vu as her eyes fell upon him where he lounged on the cot against the wall in his usual cargo pants and white t-shirt, one knee bent with the sole of his foot resting against the surface of the bed, the other leg stretched out lazily in front of him. It took her a moment to register that his features had returned to their normal state, indicating that the sun must have risen – though the lack of windows in the complex made it impossible to check. All in all the picture was remarkably similar to that which had confronted her when she had gone to speak to him in his cell back at Kouga's villa – had that truly been less than a week ago? It seemed much longer.

However, unlike the last time, Inuyasha did not meet her gaze with an expression of hatred, but rather avoided her eyes altogether, seemingly engrossed in reading the small, faded greenish book he had propped against his knee. There was only one problem – his eyes weren't focused on the page.

"Inuyasha?" she murmured, trying to get his attention.

"Hm," he grunted in response, refusing to look up.

"Inuyasha, we really need to talk."

"'Bout what?" he questioned casually, trying to sound as though he was only half listening – but the perk of his snow white puppy ears said otherwise. He was hanging on her every word.

"Inuyasha, for god's sake, will you put the damn book down and pay attention to me?" Kagome burst out, her anxiety and frustration overcoming her and causing the hanyou to look up in surprise, his detached facade forgotten. "I know you're not reading it – and this is important."

He narrowed golden eyes curiously, brow lowering into a mild frown, but he tossed the book aside and rolled to his feet, standing about five feet in front of her with arms crossed over his chest. "Fine – what'd you want to talk about?"

Kagome gave a hesitant sigh before saying quietly, "Us."

He cocked his head to the side, and she could see a slightly guarded look come into his expression. "What about us?"

"Well – I'm not exactly sure," she admitted. "I've been trying to figure this out on my own, but the more I think about it the more confusing it becomes – and I think that's because I can only see my side of this whole thing. What I'm saying is – what are we, exactly? What is this...this thing between us."

"What 'thing'?"

"This! You and I!" He seemed to have slipped into uncooperative mode, and that was definitely not what she needed from him at the moment. This was difficult enough for her to begin with, without his making it just that much more excruciating. Placing a hand to her temple in an effort to relieve the tension building there, Kagome took a calming breath and attempted to clarify: "You and I have been together for over a month now – with certain brief exceptions – and it's clear that there's something going on here between us – but what is it? Is this all just because of what's going on around us, or is there something more?"

"I still don't know what the fuck you're talking about," Inuyasha said stubbornly, though the irritation in his tone testified to the contrary.

"Yes you do – will you please stop being so difficult and at least try to have a serious conversation here?" she insisted.

"Fine, I give – what do you want me to say?"

"Just answer the question!"

"What question?"

"What am I to you? What are we to one another!"

"Shit," Inuyasha growled, dragging a hand through his silver locks. "How should I know, dammit? You make it sound like it's just a matter of us talking things out and coming to some kind of agreement – but it's not that simple, Kagome. These things never are."

"Why can't they be, then? What is it that's so complicated that we couldn't even discuss it?"

"A lot of things, alright?" he replied irritably. "Look let's just keep things as simple as possible between us—"

"Simple? You just said they couldn't be simple."

"Well then I—fuck it, I'm not in the mood to argue with you over semantics, and I'm sure as hell not in the mood to go picking through every single damn thing we've been through so far just to come back to the exact same conclusion we could reach very easily right now."

"And what's that?"

"That there can't be anything between us! It just wouldn't work."

"Why not?" she demanded.

"Because you've got your responsibilities and I've got mine – and besides, there's too much other shit in the way." He turned away a clear sign that he felt the conversation was over, that there was nothing left to be said.

Kagome, on the other hand, felt there was a great deal left to be said. "You know what you are? You're afraid, that's what. Afraid of what might happen – afraid of giving a shit about someone other than yourself."

"Me? Like hell – I'm just being realistic. You're the one who keeps trying to make something out of nothing."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means—it means you're fighting a losing battle, that's what. Now lemme alone."

Kagome, deciding perhaps it would be better just to cut to the chase, took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. "I care about you Inuyasha."

The words hung on the air like a mist, unable to either rise into oblivion or fall like a blanket to the floor. His golden eyes met hers somewhat reluctantly over his shoulder, and she tried without success to read the strangely dark expression on his face.

"Don't," he replied in a low voice. "Don't care about me, Kagome – it'll only make this whole thing a hell of a lot harder in the end."

"Don't you think I know that?" she replied in exasperation. "It's not something I can control; there's no switch I can flip to just turn off whatever feelings I have for you – and don't you dare try to act as though you couldn't care less about me, because I know that's not true."

"Dammit, Kagome, of course I care – but that's not the point—"

"Yes it is!"

"No it isn't! Fuck – there just can't be any future for us, so what's the point in discussing something when we're just going to have to go back to ignoring it again afterward. Let's just keep it simple."

"Simple, simple -- you keep saying that word, 'simple.' Well I've got news for you – it's not simple, Inuyasha, and you can try all you like, but it's never going to be simple. Ignoring it won't solve the problem."

"There is no solution!"

"How do you know if you never even try!"

"Try what?" he snorted disdainfully.

"Try talking to me…"

Another silence fell as Inuyasha turned away with a growl of frustration, beginning to pace restlessly back and forth in the tiny room, like a caged tiger searching for an exit, but uncertain where he would run to if he should ever find one.

"Fine," he spat at last, turning back to her angrily, "You wanna talk? We'll talk. Why the hell didn't you kill Kouga when you had the chance, bitch?" The hanyou's eyes flashed fiercely with some savage emotion that Kagome couldn't quite identify – though she vaguely registered that it had been present almost constantly ever since he'd discovered her deception, however muted it had become until now. Almost immediately he turned his back to her and took a couple of steps away, almost as though trying to close her out, to take back what he'd said.

"Is that what this is about? Is that why you've been so particularly surly ever since we got here?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes – I mean...no—"

"Well which one is it, yes or no!"

"Dammit, I don't know – you tell me!" He released a growl of frustration. "Just answer the goddamn question!"

Kagome glared at him for a moment before lowering her eyes to her hands, which had unconsciously knotted themselves together as she tried to come up with a coherent answer. "I couldn't," she said at last, her voice quiet and small.

"Why not?" the hanyou demanded harshly. "You had no trouble killing the others."

When she failed to answer, he spoke again. "Why couldn't you kill him?" The question, uttered softly, yet with the weight of words that held more intent than was overtly expressed, took her by surprise. They fell heavily into the silence that followed, like a stone sinking beneath the surface of a pond.

It occurred suddenly to her that the accusory note in his tone sounded suspiciously like jealousy, and her eyes locked with his fiery gold ones, narrowing incredulously. "Are you...jealous?"

"No," he snapped, a little too quickly. But even so, she sensed that there was more to his behavior than simple, petty jealousy. "Just answer the question, Kagome. You were the one who wanted to talk – so talk."

She took a breath, still trying to make sense of his cryptic remarks. "I just couldn't do it, that's all."

"Why not?" he pressed, his voice still low and unrevealing, unusually calm.

"Because..." He'd backed her into a corner; she didn't want to have to answer, wasn't certain she could put it into words without having him misunderstand, but she had no choice. This had been her idea after all. "Because I didn't know the others the way I know Kouga. As much as I hated him he was still the first man I ever—that I was ever 'with'. All I know is that when it came right down to it I couldn't seem to make myself pull the trigger."

"Are you sure that's all there is?" he asked, his tone skeptical.

She hesitated only slightly before saying, "Yes," but it seemed that that slight hesitation was enough to confirm his suspicions.

"Well I'm not," he said simply.

The stillness and silence in the room seemed to crackle with intensity as the weight of his words began to sink in. Watching the hanyou through speculative eyes, Kagome felt her original agenda beginning to slip away, only to be replaced by something larger and perhaps more to the point. "Inuyasha," she began, "What's really going on here?"

"What d'you mean," he questioned guardedly.

Her reply came in the same even tone as before. "You know what I mean. This isn't really about Kouga at all, is it? So let's just put all those other petty details aside for a moment – what is it that's really bothering you?"

He gave a short, dry chuckle. "You really want to know?"

Kagome nodded. "Very much, yes."

The game had been called, and all the chips were in – no more bluffing. "Then I'll tell you: It's Kikyo."

The young woman frowned at that. "What do you mean?"

A wan and slightly guilty smile curved his lips briefly as he continued. "I probably should have told you this awhile ago, but I didn't want to remember it myself. See, I knew Kikyo back in London. She and I were more or less…engaged…"

"More or less?" she questioned curiously, arching an eyebrow.

"I was more – she was less. I didn't know it at the time, but apparently she'd been leading me around by the nose the whole time."

"I see…"

"Apparently…she was using me – for information. In other words—"

"You were her source," Kagome finished, at last beginning to realize the true nature of the bizarre little corner she had painted herself into. "Just like—"

"Kouga was for you," he finished back, confirming her suspicions.

He gave her a chance to mull over this new information for a moment before continuing. "Now do you get it? I mean, it's bad enough to get taken in by one woman – but I'd have to be a complete idiot to knowingly walk into the same trap a second time, wouldn't I…"

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked sharply.

"It means that you and Kikyo are cut from the same cloth," he replied, irritation beginning to bubble beneath the surface once more. "And it isn't as if you've exactly had a problem lying to me so far, is it?"

"How dare you," she snapped. "How dare you stand there and accuse me of lying—"

"Well you did, didn't you!"

"So did you, you half-baked hypocrite! Or did that tiny detail slip your warped little mind?"

"That was different!"

"Was it!" she countered, righteous anger roiling itself to the surface.

"Yes! I was trying to protect you."

"Well so was I," she argued stubbornly. "I told you before that I was sorry – I should have told you the truth earlier, but I couldn't. If it had just been a matter of my own life being on the line I might have risked it, but if others had been hurt because I couldn't stop myself from confessing the truth to you, I could never have forgiven myself. You're just angry because of how you found out—"

"Yeah, I am. Because how am I supposed to know that any of that is true? If you hadn't walked into that jail cell with the wolf, I would never have had any idea what was really going on, and you would still be living your cushy little life in his bed. How do I know you're not still working for him? How do I know this isn't just some sort of clever rouse?"

"Inuyasha, that's ridiculous – you're being paranoid—"

"I have a right to be!" he shouted, prompting her to shrink back a step. "I can't trust you, Kagome. I can't let myself trust you."

A silence fell between them as both regarded each other, neither one certain of what to say next. Kagome's eyes perused the hard lines of his face, and all at once she began to feel an overwhelming tiredness creep through her veins. "Maybe you're right," she breathed at last, her head shaking slightly in capitulation, "Maybe this just isn't worth it after all…"

Inuyasha said nothing.

"I'll see you at the briefing, Inuyasha – and after that, maybe it would be best if we went our separate ways." And with that, she turned her back on him and left the room without sparing him so much as a second glance.

Inuyasha was barely listening to the conversation going on around him as the various Resistance agents discussed the present plan. He knew he should probably be paying attention, since some of it involved him – but he had a copy of the overview in front of him, so he'd be able to catch up later.

Instead, he was watching Kagome. She hadn't so much as looked at him since leaving his quarters after their argument that morning. He couldn't really blame her – in retrospect, he'd said some really awful things to her, and although he'd been sure he'd meant them at the time…he wasn't so sure they'd been entirely true overall. She was right – he was being paranoid. And ridiculous. And a jerk.

But he was certain he'd been right about one thing: In the long run, they didn't have a prayer. These things just didn't work that way.

After all, from what he'd managed to glean from this briefing, he'd be returning to England soon, resuming his post in the armed forces, and she would, of course, be staying here to continue the fight on their end. He knew from experience that long-distance relationships didn't work too well – especially when there was a war going on in between. Besides, as he'd said, they each had their own responsibilities – what were they supposed to do, write letters? To be addressed to where, exactly – the Secret Underground Resistance Bunker in the Middle of Some Random Woods? He realized, with an ironic sort of inward chuckle, that he didn't even know her last name.

But despite his attempt at rationalization, he couldn't take his eyes off of her.

What is this thing between us? Her question echoed in his mind.

Nothing, he answered himself. It can't be anything, so it's nothing…

Then a memory of a long-ago conversation with another dark-haired young woman came to the surface.

"What are you afraid of, Inuyasha?" she murmured in her silky smooth voice, nuzzling his bare shoulder affectionately, her arm draped across his middle with her finger tracing unknown patterns on his chest.

"What do you mean?" he answered eyes closed.

"I mean, what scares you? Everyone has something that they're afraid of…"

His first instinct was to scoff and answer that he wasn't afraid of anything, thank you very much, but for some reason he didn't feel like bothering. Without ever really deciding to, he found himself giving an honest answer: "Losing."

He could feel the smile curving against his skin. "Losing what?"

"Anything…everything…" he replied. "I can't stand to lose – a battle, a game, myself…someone close to me. Anything."

"I see," she breathed.

"What about you, Kikyo? What are you afraid of?"

"Me?" she repeated. "I'm afraid of being found…"

He'd never entirely been able to figure out what she'd meant by that – she'd thwarted all of his attempts to get her to clarify. Now that he thought back on it, he wondered if perhaps she had meant that she was afraid of being caught – it would have made sense, after all, traitor that she was. But then again, perhaps not.

Maybe Kagome was right – maybe he was afraid.

"All right, Inuyasha," she said as though speaking to a temperamental child, "lets get those bandages off and I'll let you get out of bed." He raised his eyebrows at that as he moved to sit up.

"Finally," he growled, and she sent him a small glare, but let it pass as she took a seat beside the bed.

He tried very hard not to recoil when her hands brushed once again over the flesh of his chest. In the past few days it had happened countless times when she went to change his bandages, but somehow he never really could get used to it.

It seemed like a long time ago, the weeks he'd spent in Asile with her.

"But unlike you, Kikyo, Kagome did what she did because she had to, not because she gets some sort of sick, twisted pleasure out of it! She's fighting for a cause she believes in-"

"As am I," she said firmly, causing him to fall silent. "And for the other, are you so certain of her motives as that? Are you so certain of mine? She has already proven to be something other than what she appears to be; you would do well in the future to remember that she is quite capable of deceiving you, even as I did."

Was it true? At first he'd tried not to believe it – then a part of him had almost clung to the notion, looking for something to blame her for in order to distance himself. But what was the truth?

"You've caught him! Oh how wonderful for you, darling! Now you can finally get some rest," Kagome chided Kouga sweetly, sounding quite unlike the woman Inuyasha had come to know -- and that only angered him further. She traced little figure eights on the man's chest affectionately and the hanyou had to suppress a growl. "I worry about you so when you get over-stressed."

That wasn't her.

Kikyo's eyes flooded with a happiness greater than he had ever seen her express, lips curved in a glowing smile. "I thought you'd never ask," she whispered, "Of course I'll wait...I'll wait for you forever. I love you, Inuyasha."

Nor was that Kikyo. So what was real? What felt real?

"I care about you Inuyasha…"

"Very well then – it's settled," Henri's voice finally penetrated the cloud of thought that Inuyasha had been lost in. "Inuyasha, you leave at 0700 tomorrow morning. Meeting adjourned."

There was a scraping of chairs as everyone got to their feet and filed out of the room. As Kagome disappeared through the doorway without sparing a glance in his direction, he thought, Well…I guess that's that then, isn't it.

Kagome returned to her quarters early that evening. She'd gone with Sango to the makeshift mess hall that had been set up in one of the larger rooms in the complex, but she hadn't really felt much like eating. Before long, she'd decided to throw in the towel and turn in early.

She un-tucked the button-down army-green shirt she'd been wearing – there wasn't much to chose from around here, mostly forgotten supplies and such from when the place had been intended as a military establishment – and undid the buttons one by one, leaving her in a white undershirt and men's cargo pants that were slightly too big on her so that they rode low on her hips. She slipped off her shoes and socks as well, and then reached up to remove the pins that had held her hair in place, keeping it up and out of the way during the day. Gazing dully at her reflection in an old cracked mirror that hung on the wall, she ran her fingers through her long dark tresses, smoothing out the tangles and trying not to cry.

What did she have to cry about anyway? She'd been through worse than this, and she'd survived. After all, she barely knew the man. As she'd said herself, perhaps it was best that they go their separate ways. He was right – it wasn't as if they'd ever had a chance of anything lasting, anyway. She'd known that from the beginning.

Then why did she still feel as though she was dying inside?

There was a soft knock on the door, and Kagome drew in a breath in surprise. Hastily wiping away the tears that she hadn't even noticed falling, she quickly pulled herself together and went to answer it.

It was Sango.

"Oh, it's you," she said, unable to hide the disappointment in her voice as she tried not to think about whom she'd hoped to see.

Sango smiled wanly – she knew exactly whom Kagome had expected. "I'm sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

"I'm fine Sango, really. Don't worry about me."

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Maybe later, but I think I just need to get some rest right now. I didn't sleep a wink last night."

"Alright, if you're sure. But if you change your mind, I'm always here."

Kagome smiled somewhat half-heartedly back at her friend's sympathetic expression. "I know."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight." She shut the door quietly as Sango turned away, leaning back against it and closing her eyes.

Had she honestly thought it would be him? He'd made it perfectly clear that he had no desire to see her right now – or at least, if he did desire to see her, he wouldn't let himself.

She felt more than heard the knock at the door pressed against her back.

With a sigh she opened it. "Sango really, I—"

But the golden eyes that looked back at her were not Sango's.

"Inuyasha?" she murmured.

"I came to apologize," he said quietly, and she couldn't suppress a raise of the eyebrow at this uncharacteristic course of action.

"For what?" she questioned curiously.

"For…everything. But most of all, for what I said to you this morning."

"Which part?"

"The part about—about not trusting you, mainly, though I'm sorry for all the rest of it as well. The truth is I was being a jackass. I was trying to make this easier, I guess, and I just ended up hurting both of us."

Kagome nodded her understanding, still searching his expression for whatever else it was he was trying to say. "Go on," she prompted.

He gave a sort of nervously bemused chuckle. "Well this isn't exactly easy for me, see."

She smiled slightly back at him. "The most important things never are, are they."

"No, I guess they aren't," he agreed. "Look, I've had a lot of time to think – in fact I haven't been doing much else since you left my quarters this morning – and the thing is, I shouldn't have said what I did about you and Kikyo. Whatever similarities there may be between your relationship with Kouga and her relationship with me, you're not the same person – I know that now. Took me awhile to realize it, but there it is. And I guess the biggest difference of all is sort of the most arbitrary one: You're on my side. She wasn't."

"You finally realized that, did you?" she jibed.

"Yeah, I did."

"Okay," Kagome said after a pause, "Is there…is there more?"

He swallowed, preparing himself to pass the final and most difficult hurdle. "Yeah."

Her eyebrows drew together in mild puzzlement as she observed his apprehension. "Well?"

He released a breath – now or never. "You were right. I—I was afraid. I tried not to let it happen, because I figured that if I never let myself love you, it wouldn't hurt so much to let you go – but I was wrong. Turns out it hurts even more to miss something you never had than it does to miss something you've left behind."

She gazed back at him in mingled confusion and surprise. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I'm in love with you Kagome. And even though I know it can't last…I can't keep pretending that I don't."

She didn't know what to say. She merely stood there staring, as though deprived of the power of speech.

"I just needed you to know the truth, since it's unlikely that we'll ever see each other again after tom—"

His words were silenced beneath her lips as she wound her arms tightly around his neck and conveyed her response as best she could without words. "I love you too," she whispered at last. "God help me, I love you so much…"

He trailed gentle yet increasingly yearning kisses down her jaw and along her neck.

"Please don't go," she breathed into his silver hair. "Stay with me – I don't want to lose you again."

"I can't stay," he replied.

"Then I'll go with you."

"No," he said, pausing at last in his attentions at the base of her throat and looking her in the eye, his hands on either side of her face. "It doesn't work that way, and you know it. We don't have a choice about this – it's too important. You said yourself, there are more lives at stake than just ours."

She nodded sadly in response, her hand gripping his arm as though to keep him there. After all, he was only telling her what she already knew. Still, it would have been nice to be able to hope. "Then stay with me tonight," she murmured.

She didn't need to ask him twice.

Before long they were lost in a sea of each other, forgetting anything and everything that existed outside that room – all that had come before, and all that would come after. Nothing else mattered, because for that one night, in that one room, they were in love, they were together, and all was right with the world. They fell asleep in a tangle of limbs on Kagome's tiny little cot, and dreamt a lifetime of happily ever after.

When Kagome awoke, Inuyasha was gone.

A/N: You'll have to forgive me any errors and/or choppiness that may exist in this chapter. Not only was half of it written almost a year ago, but to tell you the truth, I've read it/thought about it so much in that period that I just couldn't bring myself to read it with a truly objective eye yet again. Anyway, you be the judge.

Also, to let you in on another little secret, I have serious issues with this fic. Having gone back and read the whole thing through all over again recently (I'd forgotten a lot of important details), I now have a much better idea of the flaws in my approach to the whole thing. In fact, I have a document on my computer that's all just one big long stream-of-consciousness rant about the things I did wrong with this story (serious lack of research being high up on the list, among other things such as character development – like what the hell happened to Kag's family, anyway? Why doesn't she care where they are?). However, despite its flaws, I still have a great deal of affection for this fic – it was, after all, only my second attempt at one – and I very much need to have closure on it. So anyway, long story short, I've decided to stop taking myself so seriously for the time being and simply let this story be what it is – no more, no less. So there.

In other words, it will be finished.