For Naught part 4/7
Wow, y'all are amazing! Totally encouraging and I thank you for the wonderful reviews!
Company is coming today so I'll be distracted the next couple of days and won't have as easy access to the computer (that whole computer room doubles as guest room thing) so hang in there. I'll do my best to keep the posts coming without too much of a delay!
Thanks again!
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Rodney closed his eyes, his body tensing as he pulled further in on himself. His breathing came in desperate gasps that he knew bordered on hyperventilating. Was he hallucinating now, too? John couldn't really be here, could he? Why would he?
"Come on, buddy." John squeezed his shoulder. It hurt and Rodney instinctively pulled away from the pain. Sheppard frowned, confusion flickered in is eyes. "Talk to me, McKay. What's going on in that brilliant mind of yours?"
Rodney snorted and looked away even as he felt John scooch closer. He could feel the warmth of John's hand on his arm now, even through the blanket. John was real.
"You're freaking me out here, bud," John admitted and McKay could hear the honesty and worry in his friend's voice.
"I'm fine," his voice was rough and strange to his own ears even as his teeth clattered together audibly.
John laughed at that. "Uh huh. That's not what Carson was just telling me."
Shaking his head, Rodney damned Carson. "Beckett sh- should, should learn to keep his trap shut." He didn't look up, embarrassed by his lack of control. Why couldn't John just leave him alone?
John shifted but didn't let go of Rodney's forearm. "Yeah, well, I think he was actually trying to defend you."
Shame filled Rodney as his own words slapped at him again. "No," he pushed back against the glass and steel, finding comfort in the bruising pain. It took his mind away from the maddening cramps and burning skin. "Not after…"
"Not after what?" John prodded, but Rodney just shrugged and bit his lower lip. His jaw ached as he clenched his teeth together in an effort to keep them still.
McKay turned, his legs moving only slightly, still trembling in their curled, tight position. The blanket slipped, revealing the short sleeved t-shirt he wore. Even in the shadows he could see the red marks striping his wrists. He could still feel the straps holding him down to the bed, stealing his control as he'd strained against them. His blue eyes flicked up to find Sheppard staring too.
Quickly Rodney tried to fix the blanket, to hide his humiliation but John was faster. Sheppard grabbed his hand and held him on place. "These…" He motioned to the bruising.
"Never mind." Rodney yanked his hand away. "Just leave me alone."
"Can't do that."
"Can't help me either, so leave," Rodney tried again though inside a voice screamed "No, don't leave me here!"
Somehow, John heard the inner voice. "I'm not going anywhere, Rodney."
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John watched as Rodney made a sound of disgust and annoyance but he easily read the pain and fear in McKay's eyes. No way in hell was he leaving Rodney again.
The bruising surprised him, even as he processed seeing his friend this way…he hadn't imagined the bruises. The overheard conversation from the hall came back to him. "They had to restrain him for quite awhile."
Carson hadn't mentioned that part of the story. Now, as McKay continued to try tostill his trembling and twitching, John wondered what else Beckett hadn't had the time to share before he'd stormed away.
"Maybe you and I should take a walk to the infirmary," he suggested softly.
"No!" Rodney almost shot to his feet,but doubled over again before he made it upright. John caught him on the way down. The extent of the trembling caught Sheppard off guard and he kept his arms around Rodney, supporting him.
"Easy, easy."
"God." McKay tried to pull away, but John held on. "I can't."
"You can. The worst is past right? You got through that. This is just the little stuff. You can do this."
Rodney shook his head. "I can't. I can't, I just need…No." He argued with himself as the shaking intensified with his panic. "Please don't take me back there," he pleaded. "He'll tie me down again and everybody will see. Everybody sees, they stare and and…" He was growing frantic.
"Shh. We'll stay here for now. It's okay," John reassured as McKay pressed his forehead into his shoulder. "No one's going to tie you down again. No one's going to see."
"Too late. Too late." Rodney gasped. "I can't do this. I just can't." He pulled away with strength that surprised John and he lost his grasp on the scientist.
Rodney stumbled to his feet and staggered a step before bumping into another form. Strong hands grabbed his upper arms as the sudden stop sent McKay back down to his knees. He bent forward but the hands held him securely.
"I got you," a deep voice assured.
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Rodney looked up with wide, watery eyes. When had Ronon joined them? Was he suddenly on display so the entire city could witness his colossal loss of control?
"It will pass," therunner reassured as he gently and easily maneuvered McKay back beside Sheppard.
"Yeah, right." Rodney felt the blanket being draped over his shoulders again as he settled back down onto the balcony. "That's what Carson kept saying, over and over but it hasn't passed. It just comes and goes now and won't stop. It won't stop and I hate that all I need is more of that damn enzyme!" His words slurred together as he frantically tried to explain. Why didn't they understand him?
Ronon nodded and sat down beside him, crossing his long legs and exchanging a look with Sheppard on the other side of him. Rodney frowned. What were they doing here? Why wouldn't they just leave him alone?
"The yearning is strong," Ronon admitted softly.
McKay huffed at the Runner's words. "Strong, yeah. Look, why don't you two just wander off and go do…something else." He glanced between them, awkwardly. "I'll be fine and I don't need you or your damn pity." He pointed out harshly, hating himself for not meaning the words he spoke. He really didn't want their pity, but he was torn between wanting them to stay and not wanting them to see him this way. He didn't want to see himself this way.
"Rodney," Sheppard started to argue but Ronon cut in, his voice heavy with feeling.
"It feels as though your blood will boil within your veins if you don't get more enzyme. Your muscles feel like they are turning to steel and your bones crack like they will break."
Gaping at Ronon, Rodney saw nothing but a deep understanding as Dex's eyes met his. "Your skin burns like it is on fire and you curse yourself for craving the very thing that caused it all,but you can't help it. It's all you want."
"You." Rodney pointed a trembling finger and then pulled it back quickly, hiding in the folds of the blanket again.
"And Teyla," Ronon nodded. "She didn't want to crowd you," he explained when McKay peered around him suspiciously, wondering who else was watching.
Rodney harrumphed and leaned back against the cold surface of Atlantis. Ronon and Teyla had faced this, too, he reminded, remembering the look of outrage on Teyla's face as Ford revealed he'd drugged their food and Ronon spitting his out. Ronon sure didn't seem to be suffering now. "Stop it McKay," he chided internally. He didn't want anyone to go through this, he'd not wish it on his worst enemy. Well, maybe he would on his worst enemy, but definitely not Ronon or Teyla. "Bet you both handled it better than this," he groused. The shaking seemed to be subsiding a little, but he felt the pain as intensely as ever.
Ronon shook his head. "Not much." His eyes flicked up and across Rodney as he glanced at John. "Ours was a different case with other things to contend with."
"Yes, yes, that's right. Captive on a hive ship and all." The bite was back in Rodney's tone again. He knew Ronon was trying to empathize and make him feel better,but it wasn't working. He felt like an ass. Not only had Ronon and Teyla gone through withdrawal without any medical help—they'd faced the Wraithon top of it all. He hadn't even been able to control himself in front of Carson.
Rodney didn't even want to consider what Sheppard and Ronon must think of him now. No wonder they'd left him back on Ford's planet by himself. He rubbed self-consciously at his bruised wrist. His head pounded in time with the waves crashing against Atlantis and for the thousandth time he realized he would give anything at that moment to make everything and everyone just go away.