Title: For Naught 5/7

Did you miss me? Thank goodness for husbands who leave laptops and give flash drives just so their obsessed wives can post fic eh? I've been trying to post this chapter for a day and a half now. Finally, is cooperating. Hope it was worth the wait!

Thank you again for the lovely reviews. You really know how to make one feel like writing more!

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Sheppard wasn't sure how long the three of them sat there in the silence, but he kept a close watch on Rodney, and knew Ronon did as well. The trembling was still there, but less pronounced and McKay's breathing had evened out and slowed. Rodney stared out atthe night and refused to look at either of them and John worried about what was going through the scientist's head. How much had Rodney's mind twisted what had happened? John had heard the self-deprecation in McKay's statement to Ronon, Sheppard just didn't know now quite how to confront or deal with the situation.

"Colonel Sheppard?" Carson's voice seemed frighteningly loud over John's radio.

"Here." John tapped the receiver.

"Oh good." Relief threaded through Beckett's tone. "I was worried when you ran out and then Ronon followed." Concern deepened. "I can't find Rodney or Ronon now."

"They're with me." John's gaze met Rodney's and he saw the fear in McKay.

"How is Dr. McKay?"

"Hanging in there."

There was a long pause. "Is he having any more difficulties?"

Rodney lowered his gaze to the floor and began rubbing at his wrist again.

"Nothing we can't handle. We'll see you in a bit."

McKay shook his head as John turned the radio back off. "So stupid," he muttered.

"What is?" John questioned.

Rodney snorted. "I'm stupid," he snapped. "I should never have taken the enzyme. I should have been able to think of some other way, if I'd just been able to settle and concentrate enough I know I could have but…"

"Why'd you take more enzyme anyway?" John tried to keep his voice calm, his earlier anger threatening to return.

"Ford's guards." Rodney waved a hand absently.

"Didn't you think we'd come back for you?" John asked.

McKay stopped. "What? Yes. No. I mean…what?" He stared at Sheppard, confused.

"Why did you think you needed to take out the guards? We would have found a way to come back for you," John insisted. "Didn't you trust us…me?"

Rodney shook his head and ran a hand over his face. "No. No. No. No. Of course I…you were gone so long," he shuddered. "I thought for sure something had already happened to you but dumb and dumber, they just shrugged my concerns off like I was crazy or something." He tried to make sense, to remember how he'd felt back in that damn cave and make John understand. "I couldn't just sit there, not doing anything. I didn't know if you'd made it to the Hive ship, if the dart worked correctly, if you were able to rematerialize the others without problems." His speech picked up speed. " I didn't know if you'd been captured by the Wraithor if I could help at all or if it was already too late and you'd already been sucked… I had to try."

"Try what?" Ronon asked.

Rodney looked up at the Runner. "To help you. I told Ford's guards that if we just got back to Atlantis, we could send help, that I could tell Caldwell where the Hive ships were going.I knew I could figure that much out." He looked back to John. "We knew the plan was bad. We told Ford it was doomed. Knew it would never work and I couldn't just…"

It dawned on John then, sapping his remaining anger towards Rodney away for good. He had gotten it all wrong. Rodney hadn't doubted him…he'd feared for him.

"Why the enzyme, McKay?" Sheppard needed to hear it all.

"They were guarding the DHD crystals." Rodney gestured again. " I tried to just go and get the crystals but they…"

"They what?"

John could hear the protective anger growing in Ronon's voice. Rodney seemed lost in his memory. "They blocked the way and threatened me. Laughed at me and told me I'd have to 'go through them'." His head bobbed and voice deepened as he imitated one of the guards.

"So you did," John finished, watching Rodney's features carefully, seeing the conflict, the shame and the pride.

"You took out both of them?" Ronon questioned.

Rodney blinked and gave a small nod. "I was amazing," he whispered.

John smiled and wondered what the fight had really been like. How close had it been? He could see the light bruising on McKay's face. The guards had fought back. "How'd you get back home?"

McKay closed his eyes, his brow furrowed as if he was searching for an answer. "The rest is well—fuzzy," he lied. He shivered and seemed to draw back in on himself. "Doesn'tmatter. You made it home on your own."

John frowned. "Rodney?"

"What?" McKay's anger snapped back. "What, John? What are you going to tell me? That it ended well? That it was a good thing?" He glared now, shrugging off the blanket and stumbling clumsily to his feet. Sheppard started to rise but Ronon grabbed his arm and stilled him.

"Are you going to try and tell me what a good job I did? How 'courageous' I was?" He finger quoted as he stalked to the edge of the balcony and yelled out at the sea. "It was a stupid idea!" heroared. "I was an idiot! I near killed myself for nothing!" He spun around to them again and even in the shadows John could see how red the scientist's face was.

"You didn't need me." Rodney went frighteningly calm. "There was no point to it. I drugged myself, shot a huge dose of poison into my body, rambled like a fool to Elizabeth and a gateroom full of witnesses, accused Carson of trying to kill me instead of save me, dragged myself out of bed when all I really wanted was to give up and die and for what?" He didn't give either man a chance to respond. "Just to watch you die instead."

John flinched as McKay's words slapped at him. "What?" They hadn't died. What was Rodney talking about?

McKay didn't answer, only turned away and clutched desperately at the balcony's rail, his posture stiff and straight…and trembling.

John had to strain to hear over the sound of the sea as McKay started speaking again.

"We couldn't find you. Lorne and I were in the jumper and there were two hives instead of one and we couldn't make any radio contact. Caldwell ordered us back to the Daedalus in time to watch you start the firefight."

Sheppard heard a chuckle.

"Knew it was you when I saw that one dart firing on that ship. Only you would do something like that, so brash and…" Rodney's head seemed to bow. "And then, everything exploded. First the one hive ship and then the other and the screen, it just went blank. You were gone."

John was stunned. Elizabeth had told him that the Daedalus had been there but he hadn't realized—Rodney had watched everything get destroyed without knowing that he and Ronon and Teyla had made it to safety.

McKay's "Why aren't you dead?" question was suddenly something more than a scientist's thoughtless, rude comment. Rodney had thought he'd watched them die.

John stared, mesmerized by the man in front of him. McKay thought everything he had done had been for naught, but didn't he see? The fact that Rodney had been willing to riskso much…had risked so much just to try and help them—him and then believed he had failed so completely tore at Sheppard, it punched him in the gut and took his breath away.

He didn't know what to say.

Rodney didn't seem to move, but Ronon was instantly in motion, reaching McKay as all the strength and anger and emotion seemed to melt out of him. Dex caught Rodney easily and lowered him carefully.

"He's out." Ronon looked up, meeting John's gaze, eyes filled with too many emotions for Sheppard to name. The runner held Rodney against him instead of laying him on the floor.

John tapped his radio. "Carson?" He waited for a response. "We could use some medical assistance at the Eastern balcony now."