No Need For A Sniper Kitten
Part II
Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...
"Miss Fujin! There's a vampire in my backyard!" Tidus announced when Fujin answered the door.
"There's no such things as vampires," she said.
"What's all this? You? Look, kid, Wakka can't come out to play– go home!" Wakka's old man tried to shoo him off.
"But there's a vampire!" Tidus tried again.
"Vampires are only make-believe," Fujin said again.
"Now Fujin, don't lie to the boy." Vik slammed the door and turned off the porch light. Tidus looked around fearfully for a moment before running off to the only other person who would believe him.
"Selphie?" he stage whispered.
Selphie muttered in her sleep and twitched. One of her curlers popped out of her hair.
"Selphie?" he whispered louder and poked her shoulder. She sat up with a gasp.
"Ah! It was just a nightmare…" she wiped the sweat off her face. "Tidus? What are you doing in my room? Wait, let me tell you about my nightmare first!
"There I was, trapped in a spooky mansion in the middle of nowhere with a crazy scientist! And the only link to the outside world was an old computer… with… dial-up!" Thunder rumbled in the distance.
"Selphie, there's a vampire at my house!"
"A vampire?" Selphie became all business. "What makes you say that?"
"First, there's a mysterious shipwreck."
"It happens all the time around here."
"But there's been a thick, spooky fog over everything for the past two nights!"
"Hardly a credible link, besides, the rain'll take care of the fog."
"Somebody set off all of my traps," he said, "Come look!"
She sighed.
"Well, I might as well now that I'm up." She put on her bathrobe (the new one covered with kittens) and shuddered. "Dial-up! Ugh!"
"Well, someone was definitely here," Selphie swept her flashlight over the trampled yard. "Why would you think it was a vampire?" she asked Tidus, who looped hundreds of goth-style crosses around his neck.
"It happened just this way in Dracula," he handed her the book.
"I see," she said slowly. "You're a fourth-grader! What are you doing reading things like this? Your poor, overactive imagination can't handle this subject matter." She threw the novel straight into the trash.
"Hey! That belonged to the school library!"
They heard a noise by the refuse pile in the back corner of the yard.
A large (is there any other kind?) shadow rose up and lurched towards them. It looked like a man with a leg in a splint, and blinded too, because he had his arms out in front of him.
"Rrrrgh," the man said. "RRRRrrrrgh..."
"Hey you!" Selphie shouted. "You're trespassing! Get out of here!"
The man turned toward Wakka's house and walked right through the privacy fence, smashing it as though it were made out of cardboard. They yelled as he smashed through the first floor window and climbed into the house.
Chappu shut off the alarm, yawned, and wandered downstairs while scratching himself. He hardly noticed the debris as he stepped over it in his search for some breakfast, and perhaps some of that canned espresso to chase away the grogginess.
The smashed dining room table posed a bit of a problem, as it blocked the door to the kitchen…
His eyes widened, his body tensed, and he spun around trying to see if there were any ambushes in one of the corners. The whole downstairs looked like it had been hit by a tornado.
"Unbelievable," Dad knocked what was left of the curio cabinet aside, "you boys can sleep through anything!" He tsked at Chappu.
"What the," Chappu censored himself, "What happened?"
"Oh, a mummy broke in last night and tried to kill me, is all," Dad said dismissively. "Probably wanted this sweet thing!" he held up the Scepter of Anubis. "But he didn't get it, right? 'Cause nobody steals from your old man! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"And Mom?"
"Ah, she's fine. She went out to look for the thing after she chased it off," he looked uncomfortable. "I helped of course."
"Sure," Chappu agreed.
"I didn't read any books about mummies," Tidus said while they waited at the practice field later that afternoon. "But I saw The Mummy and so I got a kitty!" He opened his backpack and a tiny tortoise-shell kitten slinked out and chewed on the grass. "Her name is Yugi!"
"Awww!" everybody leaned in to pet the kitty.
Everyone except Chappu, that is, he was too suspicious of E.C. Surely there was some connection between E.C. and the mummy, and he'd find out what it was. Then E.C. would rue the day, positively rue it!
Once again, the dubious-intentioned Boomer joined them at the end of practice.
"Hello, everybody," he said. He got a few weak replies from everyone. "Hello, Kairi," he said nervously. Sora and Riku's mouth's got real small. "I heard that you were working on something at home but you needed a belt sander, so I brought my Dad's!"
"Wow, that's a really nice belt sander," Kairi's eyes lit up. "The Krebstar 3500, 3-inch by 21-inch belt sander! The Cadillac of power tools," she said solemnly. Sora and Riku's eyes got narrowed and their mouths disappeared entirely. "Oh! And there's a new 120-grit belt!" she squealed. "Thank you!"
"You're so thoughtful, Boomer," Chappu smirked.
"Yeah, he's a good guy," Wakka said with complete honesty.
"Belt sander! Belt sa-ha-han-der!" Kairi sang the entire way home.
"Stupid belt sander!" Sora muttered.
"Don't give in to belt sander envy," Riku said.
"I'm not, Sora said through gritted teeth.
"Hey guys! Lookit my belt sander!"
"Look! Uncle Raijin is here!" Chappu pointed excitedly at the low, sleek ship in the harbor. The children ran out into the dock to meet Wakka and Chappu's unusual visiting relative. The boys tackled the large man as he walked down the gangplank, nearly sending everyone into the warm waters of the Diamond Sea.
"Well, if it isn't the whole gang! Stooges," he said by way of greeting to Kairi, Sora, and Riku. "Oh look, it's your twin. Tidus!" Raijin ruffled little E.C.'s hair. "How are ya, Tidus?"
"I'm fine," Tidus grinned.
"Yer parents get back from that world cruise yet?"
"Nah," Tidus shrugged.
"What's that make it, six years now?"
"I dunno."
"How long does it take to see the world? I've seen it all twice already, you know!" He turned to Chappu. "And you, er, um..."
"Chappu," Chappu reminded him. He hated it when Uncle Raijin did that, more evidence of the insidious influence of Evil Chappu, how he cursed him!
"I've got a surprise for you!" he looked around and spoke quietly. "But you can't tell your mom, okay?"
"What?" Wakka looked at Uncle Raijin suspiciously. "What you got now?"
"Don't be such a mama's boy," Chappu elbowed him.
"You gonna take that in front of your girlfriend?" Uncle Raijin asked.
"I'm not his girlfriend," Selphie sniffed. "I'm his political advisor. And I also advise that he not be such a mama's boy."
"I got voted student council president!" Wakka said.
"Well that's terrific!" Uncle Raijin said, genuinely impressed.
Wakka introduced Boomer, who looked longingly after Kairi when she left with Sora and Riku. Chappu wandered off on his own, he had a shipment to take care of after all.
He scurried through the back alleys to the appointed drop-off site and picked up a wooden box slightly bigger than a bread box. He opened the top and checked the contents: hundreds of pokémon game cartridges.
"Hee hee hee!" he laughed fiendishly.
The way to the Praetor's house was a tricky one, there were many people on their way to visit him to remove various curses from salvaged items. The ship carried a large collection of artifacts headed for the museum in Burmecia, and for authenticity's sake the museum officials left all the ancient curses in place, just proving to Chappu that scholars were morons.
"How much?"
Chappu dove under a handy shrub at the sound.
Vik stood just outside the picket gate with the glowing Scepter of Anubis in his hand. Praetor Baralai calmly swept leaves off his front porch.
"That's insane!" Vik shouted.
"I have a kid to feed," Baralai said without looking up. He was completely calm in the face of Vik's fury.
"You seemed able to feed him at the regular price!"
"He's a growing boy. He eats. A lot."
"Yeah? Well I've got kids too– two of 'em and they eat way more than your puny little kid!"
"I doubt that."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
Flash forward, for a moment, to two weeks later at the Annual Fall Barbecue...
"But Dad! I can't eat another hot dog!" Riku lay back in the lawn chair, his stomach swollen so far out that he wouldn't be able to see his toes for a couple of days.
"Yes you can!" Baralai said.
"Dad. Coach is gonna... kill me... urp!" Wakka also had a protruding stomach, and he could barely move. "Besides, I can't go... on!"
"Nonsense! You win at every sport!" Vik said.
"Hot dog eating contests aren't sports!" Wakka said as emphatically as he could without fainting.
"Why are we doing this again?" Riku asked drowsily.
"To prove a point!" both father's shouted.
"I'm not paying that much!" Vik said.
"Fine. Then stay cursed," Baralai said.
"But there's a mummy after me!"
"Here," the Praetor threw a lighter to Vik. "Mummies are highly flammable, so make sure you don't use that near your home. Good day." He walked into the house and shut the door.
"Rotten, effin', so-and-so," Vik wandered away, swearing under his breath.
Chappu crawled out and ran around to the back door and knocked.
"About time," Baralai whispered, and let the boy into the kitchen.
"Uncle Raijin's in town," Chappu said.
"Oh no. Him?"
"You have something against my Uncle?" Chappu said.
"Yeah, my stuff tends to disappear when he's in town," Baralai shot back.
"I'll talk to him," Chappu opened the crate. "New product! What do you think?"
"What are they?"
"Video games!"
"Video games."
"Addictive video games!"
"Uh-huh."
"Banned addictive video games!"
"Banned from where?"
"The Republic of Centra banned them because it "teaches children how to summon evil spirits!""
"Evil spirits! I want no part of that."
"It's just a video game. Check it out. The Pokémon craze has died down in places like Burmecia and Zanarkand, the trade-in stores and pawn shops are being inundated with this crap, so I bought it off them and intend to resell these on the black market–"
"To innocent children in Centra?" Baralai asked, appalled.
"No. To immature adults who can pay the 400 percent markup!"
"Of course," he picked up one of the cartridges. "These things get smaller and smaller."
"Yeah. Planned obsolescence, isn't it wonderful? This is last year's GameSlave unit, how'd that get in here?" Chappu pulled the handheld console from the box. "This should go with the next shipment."
"Just leave it in there," Baralai said. "It could be used as a bribe somewhere down the line."
"When can I get my cut?"
"I'm leaving for the continent in two weeks," Baralai calculated in his head. "About two months."
"Swell. Until later, then." Chappu shook hands with his secret business partner.
"Chappu?" Baralai stopped him at the door and handed him a couple of tiny vials. "This is for that mummy, if you or your brother should run into it."
"Why Praetor, I'm touched! You don't have to worry about little Chappu." He waggled his eyebrows. Honestly. What was so scary about an undead guy who can hardly move?
"Look, kid, don't get smart with me. Just take them and get out of here before someone sees you and certain aspersions are cast upon my character."
Tidus could hear Selphie from two blocks away.
"Yo quiero se... Anarchia!" she screeched while mercilessly scraping at her guitar. She never got to finish the song before Bob and Miriam threw her outside to the relief of everyone in town.
He got to the door just as Bob shoved her out onto the porch and slammed the door.
"Lousy critic," she mumbled, but she looked happy.
"Selphie, you have to spend the night!" Tidus said.
"Uh, what?"
"You know! So we can set a trap for the vampire!"
"I thought we established that it was, in fact, a mummy?"
Tidus shook his head and pulled a wrinkled photograph from his pocket.
"Look!" he said. Selphie stared at the dark photograph.
"What am I supposed to be seeing?"
"I took this picture last night, while I was fighting it. I was sure I got a picture! But..."
"Nothing."
"Yeah," Tidus said. He straightened and smiled. "But then I realized that maybe the picture's blank because I took a picture of a vampire."
"Again, that's quite a stretch," Selphie said.
"It makes sense," Tidus seemed not to have heard her. "Vampires don't have reflections, so why would they show up in film?"
"But ghosts show up on film," Selphie pointed out.
"Don't be silly, that's just a myth." He clasped his hands together and gave her his best sad-puppy-eyed look. "Please help me, Selphie? Please?"
"Ah! No! I've been caught off-guard! Stop! Okay, fine. I'll do it," Selphie conceded. "But you know that Bob and Miriam would never let me sleep over on a school night, much less at a boy's house?"
"Yeah, yeah. Just sneak over as soon as you can."
A/N: I believe the name of the song Selphie is singing is called Anarchy In The USA, by the Sex Pistols. I'm not sure, because the english version is definitely called Anarchy In The UK. By the way kids, the Sex Pistols sing songs that are very naughty and definitely not for children, so don't let your parents catch you!