No Need For A Sniper Kitten
Part III
Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...
(Chappu: "Kingdom Hearts? Isn't that an anagram for "Screw Canon?"")
Chappu looked through the telescope pointed directly into Tidus' living room window.
"What are you up to now, E.C.?" Chappu muttered. He wrote down in his little notebook: 9:45 PM: subject engaged in ball of yarn with kitten-like life form and accomplice.
"Chappu? Hey, Chappu, the door's locked!" Wakka pounded on the locked bedroom door. "Okay, I'm gonna pretend that I don't know what you're doing in there, but–" Chappu yanked open the bedroom door.
"What?"
"Why'd you lock the door?"
"It was an accident," Chappu said. Wakka spied the telescope on the windowsill.
"Were you spying on Tidus again? Will you stop? People are gonna think you're weird."
"Who's spying on what?" Uncle Raijin wandered into the room.
"It's self-preservation!" Chappu said.
"What?" Uncle Raijin asked.
"Oh, Chappu likes to spy on house next door," Wakka put his hands on his hips and assumed an old-womanish frown of disapproval, "he's got a crazy idea that Tidus is going to replace him."
"You don't know that he's not!" Chappu said.
"Replace you?" Uncle Raijin scratched his head. "You mean like a pod person? That's silly."
"Oh yeah? Then why does he look exactly like me?"
"He doesn't look that much like you," Wakka said hesitantly.
"And these mysterious "parents," why haven't they come back for him? Isn't it just a little too convenient that the creature's caretakers have all vanished?"
"Oh bruther," Wakka sighed. "Here we go again. I don't know why Mom lets you read those Lone Gunmen magazines..."
"He's been studying my mannerisms for years, and creating relationships with everyone on this island. And then one day, he'll just change his name and start wearing my clothes. And then I'd really have to watch my back, because next he'd get rid of me and move into my room. And people would say: 'what happened to that nice little boy who lived next door to–'"
"Aw, nobody could take your place, Chappu, you know?" Uncle Raijin said.
"Yeah, and nobody would ever mistake him for you, you creepy little ginger kid."
"Screw you, brother," Chappu said. "I should figure you wouldn't care too much if he replaced me."
"So what is the little guy up to now?" Uncle Raijin asked, picking up the telescope. "Aww! How cute. He's got a kitty. And look! Your girlfriend's over there."
"What?" Wakka took the telescope and peered through it. "Hey, I wasn't invited," he said with a little hurt in his voice. "And she's not my girlfriend," he added.
"Why not?"
"Selphie? She's just one of the guys."
"Sure, sure," Uncle Raijin said.
"They're up to something," Wakka said. "I better get over there."
"Wait a sec!" Uncle Raijin panicked. "It's after dark! You shouldn't be out there with… with the mummy out there, you know!" Chappu's ears perked up at the way Uncle Raijin hesitated, almost as if he changed what he was going to say at the last minute. "Boys. Shut the door."
It was time for Uncle Raijin's surprise gift, and it was a doozy.
"The Sniper Kitten .38 caliber handgun!" Uncle Raijin held up two little handguns.
"That's the surprise?" Wakka said with distaste.
"Wicked!" Chappu stopped sulking and took the handgun.
"Mom'll kill you!" Wakka said.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Chappu jumped up and down.
"Shh! Be very quiet and I'll show you how to load it," Uncle Raijin said.
"I can't believe this! This is terrible–" Wakka practically wrung his hands. Chappu grabbed him by the hair and dragged him down to eye-level.
"If you mess this up for me– so help me…" Chappu's voice wasn't even the same, but like a demon's.
"Boys! Stop that," Uncle Raijin commanded. "Quit playing around. Firearms are a very serious matter."
"I'm sorry, Uncle, but I can't have any part in this," Wakka said when Chappu let go of him. "This will only lead to heartache." Wakka left the room, and Uncle Raijin looked wounded.
"Heartache, schmartache," Chappu said, wanting to cheer up his uncle. "Can I have his if he doesn't want it?"
Tidus shut the curtains and ducked close to the floor.
"What are you doing?" Selphie asked.
"That weird kid next door's spying on me again," Tidus said.
"What do you mean again? How long has this been going on?"
"He's crazy. I think he wants to kill me!"
"But that's silly." Selphie picked up Yugi and snuggled her. "He's a wittle silly willy, isn't he?" she asked Yugi. The kitten purred.
Tidus straightened up in alarm.
"Did you hear that? There's someone in the backyard!"
He ran for the back yard with his sword and Selphie followed. She held Yugi just in case that mummy came back.
They opened the door and saw a large shadow struggling in the grass and swearing. Whatever it was, it stepped right into the old wolf trap.
"I've waited a long time for this! Prepare to be staked! Yaaah!" Tidus leaped at the shadow. Selphie gasped.
"Tidus! No!"
"And that's how I got twenty-eight stitches in my chest, and this arm sling" Wakka explained to Boomer while they rode on the ferry home the next day.
"Gosh, Wakka, does it hurt much?"
"No, luckily it's a lot harder to push a sharpened piece of wood through a person's ribs than Tidus realized."
"Do you think you'll be able to play tomorrow?"
On the other side of the ferry, Tidus listened to his best friend complain about him to anyone who'd listen and sighed miserably. Selphie sat with him because she thought Wakka was being a meanie and an idiot. The whole thing was an accident. He also got the feeling that she wanted to pet Yugi.
Girls love baby animals, he thought. He'd have to remember that.
"Why do so many bad things happen to me?" Tidus asked the sleepy kitten.
"Can I hold your kitty?" Kairi asked and sat down next to him. "Oh, she's got such pretty wittle eyes!" she cooed. Yugi preened under all the attention, but her ears went back as soon as Boomer came close.
"What a nice-looking cat you have there," he said. Yugi batted at his hand when he tried to pet her.
"What's gotten into you?" Tidus took Yugi back and tried to pet her ruffled fur smooth again.
"Fssss!" she hissed at Boomer.
"Probably smells my dog," Boomer laughed nervously. "So Kairi, I was wondering, since we're both in the same history class and everything… uh, would you like to study for the test together today– I mean, uh, Wakka will be there too…"
Sora and Riku thundered up the deck of the ferry from the beverage area came to a screeching halt in front of the group.
"Hey Kairi!" Sora said in a too cheerful voice. "Don't forget, we're going to the Cove today to fix the dock!"
"Yeah!" Riku added in the same voice, "We've been working hard on getting the lumber all week!"
"Oh, I'm going to be busy tonight," Kairi said to Boomer. "Maybe next time."
Fat chance, the looks on Sora and Riku's faces said, and also: We will destroy you!
"Reowr! Fsssss!" Yugi added.
Tidus looked for Wakka again, and saw him arguing with his nutty brother. Wow, they're really going at it, he thought. He saw Chappu stomp on Wakka's instep, still bruised from Tidus' security traps.
"What a dump!" Selphie declared when they saw the remains of the ship all over the beach.
"Hey, look! Free figurehead!" Tidus pointed to the ship's figurehead, a mermaid who looked just a tiny bit too provocative, was buried head downward in the sand.
Riku and Sora immediately saw to the shattered dock, clearing away the broken planks while Kairi marked out the new dock's dimensions in the sand with string.
"Be careful around the extension cord, you guys," Kairi warned.
They worked for a couple of hours, until they had a decent-sized pile of scrap wood for a bonfire. Tidus and Selphie went into town to get the marshmallows for later.
"I miss Wakka," Selphie said. "It's just not the same without him. Boomer better smarten up quick." She glanced sideways at Tidus. "Yessir, Wakka'd be a good person to have around in case of vampire attacks."
"Quit making fun of me," Tidus said grumpily.
"Well you were acting pretty paranoid, almost as bad as Chappu. Aren't you satisfied that there is no vampire?"
"I know what I saw," Tidus said.
They went into the Norris Café to purchase several bags of marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers from Paul.
"I heard you stabbed Wakka," he said with concern. "Is everything all right with you two?"
"They're fine," Selphie said. Tidus knew she had a little crush on Paul and so he stood there and let them talk around him while he pet Yugi. It was very reassuring, owning a pet.
He soon got bored with listening to the two of them giggle and started making faces at Selphie.
"Ahoy!" Captain Bikke staggered out of the alley by the café and accosted them. "Heard ye stabbed the little blitzer! And right before the game too! I had money on that game! Money!"
"It was an accident!" Tidus cried.
"Yar. Woulda happened sooner or later. Tis t'oldest story in t'world. Two men, one wench– trouble!"
Selphie hit him with her jump rope.
It was nearing sunset and there was a disturbance on the far side of the island...
"I am so cool!" Chappu sang.
Blam!
"I am so cool!"
Ka-blam!
Chappu took another shot at the parrots in the trees. He'd been at it all afternoon and he hadn't hit a single one.
"This is harder than it looks," Chappu said. The ammunition was running low already.
"You suck!" one of the parrots screamed at him. The other parrots laughed.
"No, you suck!" he yelled back.
The parrots stopped laughing and cocked their heads. Chappu heard a soft singing from the woods.
"Tidus the mighty,
he is very tiny,
with Yugi as his sidekick,
fighting with..."
Yugi, who had kept up with his pace, looked up at him and mewed.
"We'll work on that part later," he said. His hunt for the daytime lair of the vampire wasn't going as fast as he'd hoped without Selphie's help. What kind of friend refused to crawl through the uninhabitable jungle looking for the undead?
Perhaps it was for the best. She was just a girl, and this was a job for... a man.
"He roams around the countryside,
he never needs a place to hide,
Everybody loves him,
'cause he's got a funny grin!"
"Enough!" Chappu leaped out of the bushes. "I'm sick and tired of hearing about how good and, blech, cute everyone thinks you are!"
"Ah! Run Miss Yugi!" The kitten padded up to Chappu and rubbed against his leg. "Miss Yugi! Stop that!"
"So!" Chappu ignored the affectionate kitten. "You've finally decided to make your move. Catch little Chappu alone in the jungle and dispose of him, eh?" Tidus shook in terror when Chappu pulled out a gun. "You're not taking my place, pod person!"
"You're crazy!" Tidus took a defensive stance. "You won't find me so easy to kill," Tidus said as bravely as he could. He even managed to hold his sword without shaking.
Yugi continued to rub against Chappu, purring very loudly.
"Huh," Chappu took aim. It would be really easy to get rid of the problem... but he didn't even like pointing the gun at the kid. It felt dirty, even Evil.
He reholstered the gun quickly and looked at his watch.
"Well, I'd like to fight with you, kid, but I've got to get home before curfew." Mom would kill him if he missed curfew, but he'd never admit to anybody that he was afraid of his mommy. "What are you doing out here anyway? This is my special place. I oughta kick your ass just for showing your face here."
"I'm looking for the daytime lair of a vampire," Tidus said. He'd have to change his shorts when he got home, but he would rather die than let this maniac know that.
"A vampire? Well that bites," Chappu said without irony.
"You... believe me?"
"Hey, there's a mummy chasing my Dad as we speak!"
Chappu had no idea that how right he was.
At that moment, Vik ran through the town square with the mummy hot on his heels. He screamed, leapt onto the windmill, and climbed as fast as he could.
"Help!" he screamed at his neighbors, who stood at the doors of their shops to watch the show.
"For gods' sakes, Vik, just pay the Praetor!" Paul yelled.
"No!" he took a swing at the mummy with the Staff of Anubis. "I will not submit to price gouging!"
"Stay outta my jungle, kid," Chappu said. "Or I'll, uh..." he really wanted to say something cool about shooting him, but it wouldn't come naturally, since there was no way Chappu could shoot a human being. "I'll kidnap your kitty-cat."
"Not my kitty!" Tidus gasped. She was so little and helpless. This boy was a monster!
"Yeah, and I hate cats!" Well, not really. "So you'd better stay away!" He swatted at the kitten. "Shoo, dammit!"
"Come on, Miss Yugi," Tidus picked up the faithful kitten started back the way he came. "What a nut!" he whispered. Yugi waved goodbye to the Boy Who Looked Like Her Boy But Wasn't.
A/N: Thank you to Jaymee for your very nice review! Yeah, I love to pick on poor little Tidus, but it's only out of deep affection. :D
Okay, now I've broken two rules. The one about using song lyrics and the one about responding to reviews (didn't see that one until I logged in to post this, so I guess they can't really blame me.) But I just couldn't resist using the Joxer song. Oh well, I've been wrong before.