Disclaimer : the characters and places are the property of J.R.R. Tolkien. References to the Sharpe series ; ) Please, RAR !
The Tale of the Ring-bearer
"Well, well, well, lads", the Host said.
"Who shall begin the contest, lad or maid?"
The tormented hobbit called Frodo stood up :
"I shall open the contest, so shut up!
For I'm the one who walked into Mordor..."
"One does not simply walk into Mordor!"
Boromir interrupted, his fist raised in conviction.
"Evil never sleeps in those lands, affliction..."
"You sharp tongue, go find an enemy, a sword, gold,
or tame an eagle, win a victory, a battle and be bold!"
The Host said with passion. "But don't stop the half-ling."
"Yes!" echoed Frodo Baggins, "I was the lord of the One Ring!
So listen to me carefully, for I am the only hero here!
If you want to hear me talking, don't spoil my atmosphere.
I am the famous saviour of Middle Earth, yes I am!
Over the hills of the Shire and far away with Sam,
Did I stroll around Rivendell, Lothlorien, and o'er!
Galadriel refused to take my preciousssss, but never!
No, never will I ask some poor pea-brained princess
To accept such a great treasure as was my preciousss!"
Frodo suddenly turned red and glared at the fellowship,
He burst into angry tears when Gollum he spotted :
"That gurgling thing stole my ring!" he shouted.
"That nasty Gollum even stole my finger!
Look, I was repressed by that creature!
Oh that's not fair, that's not fair at all!" he whined.
"Oh, just stop it, you childish boy!" Sam snapped,
calling the entire merry company to witness.
"You may think it's none of your business,
Gentle folk, but it's untrue. Frodo is a burden!
Oh, yes, he destroyed the One Ring, annihilated Sauron,
Re-established a so-called peace between the races...
And then? Does Middle Earth of his sacrifice bear traces?
No! Dwarves still hate elves, and men still envy us!
What did you think? That we would be all happy together?
During all his so-called quest and under any weather,
That stubborn so-called martyr hobbit walked, cried, moaned.
And who, who among his folk, who had his holidays postponed?
I'll tell you, gentle company : me! Samwise Gamgee...the Brave!
I had, for months, to reassure the lad about his expected fame!"
The hobbit paused, breathless. Frodo was purple with shame,
And tried to disappear through the tiled floor, in vain.
"Now lads, you can hear his tale and spoil your brain...
For he will talk about HIS quest and HIS terrible hardships.
He will tell of HIS difficult internal conflict and of HIS..."
"Stop it, you traitor!" replied Frodo, a hard look on his face.
"Let's listen to my tale, gentle folk, please take place."
The slightly red-complexioned hobbit climbed on the table,
So that the first story of the contest to read he might be able.
"Once upon a time, there was a peaceful and kind hobbit,
who lived in a hole in the peaceful and green Shire and loved it.
But one day, he was disturbed by the arrival of a wizard,
Who could do nothing more than change a bee into a lizard.
That wizard, Grand-half was his name, silly his faaaaaargh!"
Frodo stopped his story, shocked. A tentacle and aaaaaargh...
A long green and pink lock of straight hair grew upon his head.
"What did you do to me you fake wizard?" Frodo said.
"You should have better disguised my name, lad!
Grand-half and Gandalf are too close to be a coincidence!"
The wizard retorted fiercely. "On your life it'll have an incidence,
If you do not correct the rubbish you have just said!"
"Oh-no-please-don't-turn-me-into-a-hairy-squid!"
Frodo squeaked, with his eyes bulging.
"Well, you lucky one, for a while keep beseeching"
The proud wizard said, smiling slightly.
"Alright, tentacle and lock, go away" he spoke lightly.
Frodo, on the verge of tears, stroked his hair.
He shrieked :"I cannot go on with my tale, I am in despair!"
With a sudden burst of rebellion, he put a hand on his chest,
And around a chain, took a ring of gold imitation the best.
With a powerful voice he cried :"Don't tease me!
Or I will have you all submitted to my power, thee..."
"Enough, Frodo!" thundered Gandalf, grasping his fake ring.
"Move away or I will have you turn into a cake icing!"
Frightened to death, the famous hobbit left the company.
The Host claimed : "Next one, I want a tale happy!"