Broken Hearts Are Never Truly Healed
A broken heart continues to beat.
Abby stood watching as she came round the corner. He looked different; good different. His eyes had that sparkle in them that she hadn't seen since they very first got together. It had died not long after, when Eric had gotten sick and it was too much for Abby to handle, and he hadn't been strong enough either. They were just both too weak to make it last, just too much had happened to them both for it to work. His smile was genuine and showed how happy he was. Abby felt her own lips tickle towards her cheeks; his smile always was contagious. But then as her view became more clear she saw that he was not alone. A small Asian woman stood proudly next to him, her smile as real as his, as she laughed and chatted with Abby's colleagues. Abby's stomach turned with the thoughts that it should be her who was holding his hand, stroking his arm, looking up at him adoringly. She debated turning round and going off to find a patient to attend to, but she knew that she would have to face him sooner or later, and the later she left it, the more she would have to hear Haleh and Chuny talk about how well and happy he looks. She took and deep breath and walked confidently towards the happy couple.
A broken heart is knowing that no matter what you do or say to yourself you can't fool your heart into believing that you will in fact be alright.
"Hi," Abby said cheerfully, trying to sound as sincere as possible. She smiled as broadly as she felt she could withoutlooking like a nutcase and wondered if Carter would realise that she was hiding behind a wall. He was always so good at knowing when she was pretending, but as he looked at her Abby could tell that he was none the wiser of her feelings, of how much pain she was going through, and how she was putting every effort she had into not breaking down into tears at that very moment.
"Hey!" he replied bouncily, looking at her for a few moments without moving, and then awkwardly pulling her into a hug. He enveloped her tiny body with his one arm, the one that wasn't round the new woman in his life. Abby, however, couldn't respond to the hug in the same way. She barely touched him and pulled away as soon as was possible without looking rude. She just couldn't do it. She knew that if he squeezed her tight, or if she smelt his scent or felt the warmth of his body for too long, it would be too much for her and everything she had been working against would come back. She knew she would crack, and she couldn't let that happen now; she refused to cry. He still had that daft grin on his face, the one that only seconds earlier Abby had found cute, she now found teeth grindingly irritating. She wanted to scream at him to break down and cry, to shout in agony, to give some sort of sign that he was experiencing the same pain as she was. But there was nothing, nothing but smiles and laughter. Not only was he able to block out his own grief, he seemed to be able to ignore Abby's. He did not see how hurt she was inside, how sore her eyes were from wiping them violently.
A broken heart is when you actually refuse to get out of bed in the morning because you're afraid of the reality that awaits you.
She had cried so much for Carter over the last few months. Every night when she lay in her bed alone, wishing he was there to cuddle up to, knowing that he belonged by her side sleeping peacefully, but instead he was risking his life in Africa, not even giving Abby a second thought she had now realised. Sometimes she felt like staying in bed and never coming out to face the real world; sometimes it all just seemed too much for her to handle. She used to seek comfort in the thought that Carter was going through the same torture that she was enduring, that he was feeling the same grief over the end of their relationship, but she soon realised that this wasn't the case. He had forgotten about her, he had rid himself of her, just like she had been begging him to for months before. She hadn't realised how much she needed him, how much he meant to her. She knew that she was dependent on him, and that was one of the reasons she begged him to leave. She hadn't depended on someone else since she was six years old, and she didn't like the idea of having to start now in her thirties. But she hadn't realised how emotionally dependent she was on this one ordinary man. She didn't understand it, he was nothing special; he was just John Truman Carter III, but to everyone who knew him, just Carter. Sure, he had money, but Abby had no interest in his money whatsoever. She didn't know why she cared about him so much that it ached inside her heart to watch this other woman even stand near him, let alone kiss him. It was as these thoughts were going through Abby's mind that Carter went to introduce these two women who had come together through his life choices.
"Abby, this is Makemba. Kem, this is Abby," Carter said with glee. He seemed oblivious to the awkwardness this could cause.
"Welcome," Abby replied lamely to Kem, weakly shaking her hand. It was the only thing she could think to say, what else was she supposed to say? "I solemnly swear to hate you forever?" That was what she wanted to say more than anything, but obviously that wasn't really what Carter was after. But, then again, why was Abby being so polite? He'd run off to Africa when he wasn't even going to let her know, and then he wanted a quick get away and so he tried to fob her off with a letter. In all fairness, Abby should be making life as difficult as possible for him. But one glance in those chocolate brown eyes and she just couldn't do it. She decided to stick to the truth, without being cruel.
"And welcome back to you too," Abby said finally with a smile.
"Thanks," Carter replied warmly.
Abby noticed a small piece of paper in Carter's free hand; his left arm was still wrapped protectively around his Kem. He seemed unwillingly to let go of her even for a second, and this was starting to annoy Abby. She thought she knew what it was that Carter was holding; despite the fact that it looked like a photograph. Before she could say anything Luka came over to greet Carter. Abby's two favourite men in the whole world embraced, it was such a contrast to their relationship only a couple of years ago when they were fighting over Abby. Abby couldn't help but wish that it was back like that now; except now it seemed like she was the one that both of them were fighting against; she had been left outside in the cold.
Add me to the list of broken hearts you've collected.
"What's that?" Abby asked after Luka had been introduced to Kem. She couldn't stop herself, she needed to know. Carter and Kem both smiled uncontrollably, and Carter looked slightly embarrassed, but in an excited embarrassed way.
"Erm…it's a sonogram," Carter replied proudly looking down to Kem. Abby's heart stopped and for a second she thought she couldn't breathe. Luka smiled broadly and shook Carter's hand. Abby composed herself, suddenly became aware of her facial expression and quickly painted on a smile.
"Congratulations," she said quietly.
"Thankyou," Carter replied, and for the first time since he'd been back he looked deep into Abby's eyes, and Abby suddenly felt very exposed. She looked away before he could see any more, and watched as they moved away to be greeted by other ER members. Abby and Luka were left stood alone together.
"Are you okay?" Luka asked sympathetically.
"I'm fine," Abby snapped back. She didn't feel guilty about the way she was talking to Luka; how dare he think that something like seeing Carter with another woman would affect her? How dare he think she were that weak?
"What did he do, knock her up as soon as he got there?" Abby asked bitterly before walking away. She knew she shouldn't have said it, but there was only so much anger and sadness she could keep trapped inside of her. Abby went into the coffee room, which was unusually empty, and before she could do anything, she began to cry. Why did it have to hurt so much? Especially since it was obvious that to Carter, Abby was just a thing of his past, just a name that he used to care about, but now she could just as well be a stranger? Why did she never feel happy ever more, even when she was surrounded by her friends? She sighed heavily, and decided to keep herself busy. She opened the door of the coffee room, and could see Susan talking to a young girl who looked about twelve or thirteen. The girl reminded Abby of somebody, but she couldn't but a name to the face. The girl was very small and skinny, with big blue eyes and ash blonde hair that reached her shoulders. She was wearing a brown hoodie and white jogging pants, under which her white trainers were just visible. She looked quite tomboyish for a young girl. As Abby grabbed a chart from the pile, she could see Susan coming towards her with her arm around the girl.
"Abby?" Susan said as they reached her.
"Yeah?" Abby looked down at the young girl who was looking up at Abby wide-eyed. She looked scared and excited at the same time.
"This young girl was looking for you."
"Hi," Abby said with a smile, "do I know you?"
"No," the girl replied with a small shake of her head, "my name's Alana. Alana Wyczenski."