Koosh: Ok, so here's chapter 2. There aren't any distinguishable parts to this chapter that Kitty and I wrote separately, it was a pretty mixed thing.
Kitty: -chewing on a buffalo wing- Yup, yup, yup it should be a lot of fun! Hm, this ain't spicy enough… KYLE! MORE SAUCE! AND MAKE IT FAST!
Kyle: YOU EVIL PSYCHOTIC BITCH!
Disclaimer:
Koosh: We do not own MASH. We do not own Fox. We do not own anything, Sam I am.
Kitty: -studying buffalo wing bone thoughtfully- Ain't it a shame?
Quote of the Day:
Hawkeye: Hello, Frank!
Trapper: Hi Frank!
Frank: A lot you care!
Give a Reason
Chapter 2: The Compound
Author 1 & 2: Kitty and KooshWhen Laura opened her eyes, she realized two things—1) Her beloved Spork (which she always kept in her pocket) was digging its pointy ends into her hip, and 2) she was in a very green place. She sat up and stood, rid herself of the annoying pain, and… blinked. And blinked. And blinked. She did this for quite a while before deciding to go outside.
She blinked once more, and looked around.
"Oh, wow," she said in a deadpan voice. "I've somehow gotten myself into my favourite TV show." She thought about this for a second before grinning.
"Sweet!" she whispered, doing a little dance in her happiness.
Laura had been standing there for only a moment, when a woman collided into her, sending them both sprawling across the ground.
"Hell!" the woman was saying, struggling to get up. A man skidded around the corner, and he grabbed both Laura and the other woman.
"Got you, you thieving Koreans!" he yelled gleefully. Laura's knees went weak when she realised this was Frank Burns, Major Frank Burns, from the TV show, MASH.
"I'm not Korean!" the other woman snapped, trying to pull away. "Let go of me!"
"I don't think so," Frank said. "You're coming to see the Lieutenant Colonel." He gave Laura a look. "Both of you."
"I didn't do nothin', crazy man!" Laura protested, digging her heels into the dust as Frank tried to pull them along.
"Neither did I," said the woman, trying to grab the framework of a tent as they got pulled past.
"Sargent!" Frank bellowed to a passing MP. "Help me take these two thieves to the CO's office!"
"You want me to take the little 'un, or the big 'un?" the Sargent drawled slowly as he ambled up.
"Take her!" Frank said, yelling (like a girl) as the woman bit him. The Sargent held the woman's arms down, and marched her in front of him as she spat and tried to rid her mouth of Frank's, probably quite bitter, taste.
"If you want," the Sargent said, "you can leave 'em in a spare tent and I'll stand guard while you get Henry Blake."
"Good idea," Frank replied, trying to keep a hold of Laura while checking the bite on his hand. He glared at the woman. "I'll probably need a shot now," he spat at her. She poked her tongue out at him.
"Yeah, well I hope I've given you rabies or something," she replied. The two were taken to the VIP tent, and Frank seemed to take great pleasure in pushing them in roughly.
Unfortunately for Ferret Face, Laura was not one to be pushed around. Especially when she had a spork in her pocket.
Said spork was pulled out and waved in front of the Ferret's face.
"You have angered the Spork God!" she screamed. "Feel its wrath, puny man! DIE!"
And with that, Laura stabbed Frank with her spork, right in the arm.
"AAAAAAAAHH!" Frank screamed like a sissy, swinging his arm violently as he tried to get the completely mad child off of him.
The woman found this to be hilarious. She laughed loudly, clutching her gut as she did so, tears leaking out of her eyes as the crazy, 5', 5" tall, skinny little kid repeatedly stabbed Frank with a plastic spork. She didn't even know sporks were around in the 50's!
"YOU LITTLE BRAT!" Frank screamed, before FINALLY yanking the spork from the enraged teen and throwing it across the compound.
"SPORKY!" Laura wailed, anguished, watching her beloved Sporky fly through the air. She rounded on Frank.
"YOU SICK MAN! YOU ARE A SICK, SICK MAN!" she roared, pounding her fists against him.
Frank growled, and pushed them roughly into the tent.
"This'll teach you to steal from an officer," he said snottily. He marched off as the door closed. The woman calmed down a bit before opening the tent door slightly and peeking out.
"That Sargent guy is still out there," she said to Laura.
"Oh my god, I've been sucked into one of those fics, where the Mary Sues get caught in the MASH universe! Oh God, I'm gonna turn into a Mary Sue!" Laura was saying, panicking slightly. "Frank Burns, war, Korea, it's turning into some horrible nightmare!" She turned onto the woman. "Why don't you just return what you stole?" Laura demanded. "I didn't do anything and I'm getting into trouble!"
"Hey, I didn't do anything either!" the woman said. "I've been here for a whole ten minutes, for crying out loud! Come on, who are you going to believe, Ferret Face or me?"
"I don't even know you, lady," Laura pointed out, crossing her arms.
"Lady?" the woman asked with a laugh. "You think I'm a lady? I'm only eighteen. And I'm sure Frank'll tell you I'm no lady. Ladies do not bite." She gave Laura a grin, then stuck her hand out. "I'm Holly," she said. "Fanfiction writer, teenager, and now, stuck in the MASH world."
"Laura," Laura replied, shaking her hand, and wondering if this girl wasn't a 'lady', why was she being so formal? "Spork worshipper, bunny worshipper, lawn-gnome worshipper, fanfiction writer, muse owner, teenager, and zapped into the MASH world by my damned TV."
"We need to do something," Holly said. "When Frank bloody Burns gets back, you know he's going to try and get us court-martials."
"I'm not even part of the army," Laura said.
"Neither am I, but you think that's going to stop him from trying to send us to the stockade?" Holly asked. "Come on, see if there's anything in here that we can use to get out of here."
"Uh, Holly?" Laura said. Holly turned as Laura lifted up the tent wall at the back.
"Smart," Holly said with a grin. She took off her backpack and pushed it through the gap before crawling through the space herself. She held the canvas up as Laura crawled through.
"Now what?" Laura asked.
"Hey, you seem to be the one with the ideas," Holly said.
"But you're older than me," Laura argued, scrunching up her nose a little—something she always did when she argued.
"Hell, it's like arguing with my younger brother, if he were a girl," Holly moaned. She turned around to walk away, only to bump into the Sargent. Laura turned to run in the opposite direction, but found Frank, and even more terrifying, Margaret Houlihan, blocking her path.
"MY GOD, IT'S HIDEOUS!" the teen screamed as she pointed at Hotlips who started glowering instantly.
"I'm going to start watching where I'm going now," Holly said as the Sargent grabbed her.
The two were dragged to Colonel Blake's office, with Holly shouting to the top of her lungs that she knew her rights (she watched a lot of American TV), and Laura screaming that the Spork god would come and kill them all.
At that moment, Henry had been in the middle of something important—by important, I mean he was busy dining and wining one of the nurses whose name escapes me.
"LIEUTENANT COLONEL!" Frank whined in that annoying way of his as the ferret, Hotlips and the Sargent barged in, Holly and Laura in tow.
Henry groaned. 'For once, Lord,' he moaned to that mysterious dude in the sky. 'For once, could you just PLEASE give me a few moments of peace with a nurse, and not be interrupted? Is that too much to ask?'
Apparently yes. Yes it was.
"What is it now, Frank?" the CO sighed, waving goodbye to the nurse who's name I STILL can't remember as she left.
"Sir, I have caught two thieving Koreans, and I demand that they be court martialled and sent to the stockades!" Frank demanded.
"You all shall burn in the fiery depths of Hell for angering the Spork God!" screamed Laura as the tiny girl hopped up and down in rage.
"I'm innocent until proven guilty! I know my rights! I'M EDUCATED!" Holly shrieked. Laura paused and looked to her new friend.
"You are?" she asked in a small voice. The older girl nodded.
"That's so admirable! You have my respect!" Laura whispered in awe, tears shimmering in her eyes. Holly grinned.
"Cool."
"Yeah, it is cool."
Henry shook his head—he was confused, annoyed, and sexually frustrated. Of course, you didn't really need to know about the sexually frustrated part.
"Frank, what the hell is going on?" he asked. Laura brightened.
"Hey, that's the name of one of my fics!" she said happily. Holly looked at her sharply.
"What'd you say?" she questioned softly as Frank complained loudly about being bitten and stabbed with plastic utensils.
Laura blinked. "Huh?" was her intelligent reply.
"What was the name of your fic?"
Laura blinked. "'What The Hell Is Going On?' is the name of my fic… Why?"
Holly's eyes widened. She held out her arms. "KITTY KAT-CHAN!" she squealed, glomping the younger girl. Said girl yelped.
"Get her OFF me!" Laura yelled, trying to push the older girl off her. Frank, Margaret and Henry just stared. The Sargent MP seemed to preoccupied with a button on the floor to actually notice this strange behaviour.
"You're not going to believe this," Holly said when Laura finally pushed her off. The older teen had a crazy grin on her face. "Remember how I said I was a fanfiction writer?" Laura nodded, quite nervously. Holly grinned even wider. "I'm Kooshball," she said simply. Laura's jaw for a moment.
"OH MY SPORK!" she yelled, before squealing and hugging the other girl tightly.
"What is going on?" Henry demanded before either girl could start screaming hysterically or anything.
"These two," Frank said, pushing the two girls forward, "have stolen my mother. And they're obviously communists. What kind of American name would Koshi Bali be?"
"It's Kooshball, and what would we want with your mother?" Holly wanted to know, distracted enough by the push to remember what was happening around them.
"A photo in a silver frame, you idiot," Frank snapped. Holly glared at him, and delivered a swift kick to the shin. While Frank hopped around noisily, rubbing where Holly's sneaker hit him, Holly stood up straight and respectable.
"Sir, Laura and I have been in camp for less than half an hour. I have never seen Frank's mother before, and we don't have her," she said. Holly noticed the look Laura was giving her. "I learnt how to suck up to adults at an early age," she whispered to the younger girl. "It's got me out of more trouble than you could believe."
"Lieutenant Colonel, they are Korean thieves!" Frank insisted. He stopped hopping on one foot long enough to snatch Holly's backpack.
"HEY!" Holly hollered, grabbing her bag back. It had been a present from a faerie when she saved it from a dangerous snail.
Oh ok, she bought it cheap at K-Mart, happy?
"Do I LOOK Korean?" Laura demanded. "Do I LOOK like I would want a picture of HIS mother? I mean, honestly. He's so ugly, I don't even wanna IMAGINE what his mama looked like!"
Frank growled. "You can't talk about my mother that way!" he shrieked. Laura narrowed her eyes.
"Oh yeah, spork-killer? Watch me!"
"Don't you mean hear me?" Holly asked.
Laura pondered this for a few seconds before shrugging. "Meh, same difference," she grunted before turning back to Frank.
She cleared her throat, and said…
"Your mama had a glass eye with a fish in it!" she shouted.
Frank gasped.
Margaret, who until up to this point had been uncharacteristically quiet for the last few minutes, suddenly spoke up.
"Shut your mouth! Insolent brats," were her exact words, probably yelled more than actually spoken. But at least she said something.
Henry surveyed the room for a moment. The oldest girl and Frank were struggling with the backpack, the younger girl was threatening Margaret with a spork once she got it back, whatever that might be, and the Sargent, standing by the door and staring at the roof. Henry waited for quiet, not realising it might be a while until they actually calmed down. After a moment (Holly had started yelling abuse at Frank and calling him Ferret Face, while Laura was trying to stomp on Margaret's feet, screaming to the top of her lungs about how the bunnies and the sporks would join forces with the Lawn-Gnomes-of-the-Dark-Side (DUN DUN DUN!) would take over). Henry cleared his throat. When this went ignored, he tried louder. Eventually…
"Everyone calm down!" he yelled, surprising even himself. Laura was frozen on one leg, having hurt her foot on those tough army boots Margaret wore, Margaret with a fading look of contempt on her face, and Frank and Holly still gripping the backpack. Holly took the chance to snatch it back. Even the Sargent had looked up from studying a mark on one of his knuckles.
"Give me the backpack," Henry said to Holly. Sulkily, Holly dropped the bag onto the desk. Henry opened it, and started pulling stuff out.
Out came a Gameboy, sunglasses, wallet, a hard covered book, ('While I live" by John Marsden, if you're interested) an assortment of pens, two or three exercise books filled with messy hand writing, several cans of paint spray, for some reason a purple fuzzy Willy Wonka hat, another set of clothes and extra pair of shoes.
"No frame, Frank," Henry said, shrugging.
Laura brightened again. "Hey, that kinda rhymed!" she said cheerily. Henry gave her a sharp look. Holly snatched back her bag and started shoving her belongings back into it.
"What about the side pockets?" Frank demanded.
"You don't need to go through there," Holly said hurriedly, thinking about the season one disks of MASH in said side pockets, one which just happened to have Frank's face on the cover. "Um, just some personal things in there."
"I knew it! You DO have my mother in there!" Frank yelled, diving at Holly who jumped out of the way.
"Bit of a tight fit for a full grown woman, don't you think Trap?" a voice from the doorway asked. Laura and Holly both turned, eyes wide and sparkly, like you see on those anime cartoons.
Hawkeye and Trapper stood there, looking very relaxed in their bathrobes and slippers. If Laura was excited when she first realised where she was, that was nothing compared to now.
"It's Hawkeye and Trapper, IT'S HAWKEYE AND TRAPPER!" she screamed, and she probably would have thrown herself at them had she not tripped over Margaret, leaving both herself and the major in a heap on the floor. Holly was slightly more calm.
"Holy crap!" she exclaimed quietly, feeling all dizzy for a moment.
"What's going on?" Trapper asked, once he'd recovered from Laura's startling reaction.
"These Korean brats have stolen my mother's frame," Frank said, trying to grab Holly's bag again. "Not to mention attacked and abused an officer."
"SPORKY SHALL HAVE HIS REVENGE, MORTAL!" Laura roared.
"What officer, Henry?" Hawkeye asked.
"No, you dolt, me!" Frank said in a high pitched voice, dropping the bag. Holly held it close to her chest and stuck her tongue out at Frank's back.
"You started it," she retorted.
"You don't count as an officer," Trapper said to Frank, sneering slightly.
"Lieutenant Colonel," Frank whined. "Do something! They're undermining my authority!"
"Here's your frame, Frank," Hawkeye said suddenly, holding out the silver picture frame that had been the cause of all the trouble. "We were using it as a coaster."
"There's gin stains on the glass," Frank pouted.
"Oh my LORD, grow up!" Laura yelled. "I've had enough of your bitching and complaining, and how long have I known you?"
"Who are they?" Hawkeye asked Henry, nodding at the girls.
"Don't know," Henry replied helplessly. "Frank dragged them in here, claiming they were Korean kids who stole his mother's frame."
"Yeah, but that don't matter now," Holly said. "You guys wanna show us around? Laura and I want to see the camp." Hawkeye and Trapper glanced at each other. Why not, Hawkeye shrugged to his friend.
"Come on, kids," Trapper said. "Let's go." Holly and Laura followed Hawkeye and Trapper out of Henry's office, but they couldn't resist poking their tongues out at Frank and Margaret one final time before leaving.
"Remember—I know where you live," Laura hissed before the door closed.