Chapter 5 Eagle
We have now come at last to the end of this story. I know it has been some time since the last letter but I will admit, this was difficult to write. I hope it is worth the wait.
Disclaimer: The KNT are not mine, but Tatsunoko's and now ADV's
Ken sighed as he pocketed the keys to his motorcycle and dismounted. The ever present wind blew his dark hair across his face as he slowly made his way up the hill. Kneeling before a familiar stone, he traced the carved lines of the fighter jet engraved on it before sitting down next to it. Pulling the letter he'd been given from his pocket, he studied the writing on the front for the thousandth time. The contents of this envelope had been weighing heavily on his mind for the last three days. Days he had avoided his teammates and mentor while he ran an entire gamut of emotions: fear, anger, sorrow, curiosity...and he had yet to even break the seal on the envelope. In truth a part of him feared to. While his logical brain told him that it shouldn't be anything cruel or horrible, that his father would not have left something like that behind, his heart was still uncertain. The contents of this letter could either be the salve needed to soothe the scars of his father's death, or rip them wide open once more, never to heal again. With a heavy sigh and the cool feel of granite against his back, he finally slid a finger under the envelope's flap and broke the seal. Taking a deep breath he unfolded the pages and began to read.
My son,
Believe it or not, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've tried to write this so many times over the years, only to throw the paper, still blank, into the trash. What I'm about to say, you may not believe, and at times I have difficulty believing it myself. But whatever you think, I want you to know that I love you, and I always have. The decisions I've made, whether they turned out to be the right ones or not, were always made with your safety in mind. I never wanted to see anything happen to you.
I remember the day that you were born; how proud and nervous I was as I watched you come into this world. You were so indignant, screaming at the top of your lungs. Kozaburo said it was quite obvious that you had inherited my temper. I adored watching you gow and learn, you were always so curious about everything around you. Seeing you toddle towards me when I came home, hearing you call me 'oto' for the first time...these are some of the best memories I have, ones that have gotten me through these last fifteen years. Son, those years I had with you and your mother were the best ones of my life. I had a beautiful wife and a wonderful son; my life was perfect.
Then the rumors began. Intel was finding more and more information about Galactor, all of it frightening. It had originally appeared to be a minor terrorist group, like the hundreds of others across the globe, but the picture the pieces were making became more and more alarming. My missions away from home started getting longer and longer, gathering information for Kane and Nambu. It hurt to be away so often and so long, seeing the sadness in your mothers eyes every time I had to leave, and then seeing you shy away from me when I came home, not recognizing me at first because I'd been gone so long. I thought about resigning my commission several times, but your mother refused to hear of it. She told me that while she missed me while I was gone, she knew how important my assignments were and that she was proud of me for doing them. She would always say that she'd known what she was getting into when she married a military man, or a fly-boy as she used to call me, and that she didn't ever want to be the reason I left a career I'd begun long before we even met. She always said not to worry, that you and she would be fine while I was away. I loved her so much Ken. You two were my entire world.
However, I had to continue my work. Not just because your mother urged me to, and not just because it was my duty. But also because, as I and the other operatives were bringing back more information about Galactor, Kane and Nambu were planning for a long term defensive measure, should such a measure become needed. It was then that the first plans for the KNT project were laid out, and to my horror, Kane had begun eyeing you to lead it. Kozaburo and I both protested, but he was adamant. Even at just three years old, you already showed so much leadership potential. It was only that thought that kept me going. I was determined to find a solution before you got involved.
Yet I couldn't even prevent that from happening. While I was away on a mission, forming the intelligence networks we needed to obtain more information about Galactor, their operatives nearly succeededin kidnaping you and your mother. If not for Kozaburo's presence and the security forces he'd set around you both, they might have succeeded. When I heard about the attempt, I nearly killed Kane with my bare hands, I was so furious. Had they actually succeeded in capturing you, I still cannot stand to think about what might have happened. I would have moved heaven and earth to save you, but what might the end cost have been? After that, out of concern for your safety, it was decided that in order to both counter Galactor's threat to the planet, and keep my family safe, Kentaro Washio would have to die.
My son, the decision to leave you was the most heart wrenching choice I've ever had to make. I struggled with it for weeks, trying to think of an alternate solution. To make matters worse, unlike every other major decision that had come my way since I met her, I couldn't breath a word of it to your mother. I'm certain she knew I was struggling with something, she knew me too well not to notice. But to her credit, she never said a word, never attempted to pry information about my missions out of me. She would just wait, silent but supportive, always trusting that I would make the right choice in the end. And at that time, I thought that my disappearing was the only way to keep you both safe. Leaving the house the last time, giving your mother the last embrace I ever would on this earth, hugging you one last time, nearly broke my resolve. However, though it nearly killed me to do so, I left you both to do my duty. The only thing that kept me from turning back was Nambu's promise to care for you and the hope that I would be able to keep you out of the fight.
I watched you grow from a distance, through the letters and pictures that Kozaburo would periodically send and at times, briefly seeing you in my comings and goings from the ISO, though you never saw me. I nearly killed Kane and Nambu both when I found out that you had been brought into the Gatchaman program. I never wanted you to be forced to grow up so soon, to have to fight a war.
My heart broke again when your mother became ill. The cancer took her so quickly, I could hardly believe it. You never knew it, but I did come back once, just before she died. I snuck into the hospital against Kane's orders, nearly frantic to see her. I hardly recognized her. My koishii, so frail and tired. She woke up while I was there and even though I tried to stay out of sight, she saw me anyways. I was convinced she would be furious with me, and I knew I deserved every bit of anger she might throw at me. But she only smiled at me and told me to watch over you. She fell asleep again before I could even tell her how much I still loved her, and she died soon after. The day she left this world, a part of me died as well. My son, please, when you love someone like that, and I believe you already do, do not ever hesitate to tell her how much you love her. I regret all the missed moments I might have had with Sayuri and I never want you to have to carry that same regret on your own shoulders.
I continued to watch you from a distance, and I cannot describe how proud I was as I watched you become the man you are now. I watched you and the others become the team and family you are, and though I feared for your safety every day, I had every confidence that you would do what you had to do. You've made me proud a thousand times over my son. I only regret that I could not be at your side as you grew, and that I could not prevent your involvement in this bloody war. The fact that you had to take on such a great responsibility at such a young age and at the expense of your own childhood, is a regret I shall carry to my grave.
When the Kagaku Ninja Tai were activated, and you and I began fighting side by side, it brought so many conflicting emotions to my heart. I feared for your safety every time, and yet I was glad we could finally fight side by side, as comrades, if not as father and son. I remember the day we truly came face to face for the first time in nearly fourteen years, the day you chased me down in the G1 and challenged me. You reminded me so much of myself just then, it hurt. And yet, even at the most tense of moments, I could see your mother in your eyes. The times we've fought and talked together are the most precious ones of the last two years. There were several times I wanted to tell you who I truly was, especially after our discussion in my cabin a few weeks ago. Hearing you say that you didn't hold my leaving against me, brought a hope to my heart that I hadn't felt in years. And yet, I still held back, afraid that if I confessed, you would not be as forgiving of the man in front of you as you were of the man you vaguely remembered from your childhood. I regret it now my son, but I do not think that, even if given another chance, I would be able to find the courage to tell you the truth. More than anything in this world or the next, I fear your love for me turning to hatred, and it is a fear that I do not think I will ever have the courage to face. I will ask your forgiveness for that cowardice, though I do not deserve it. I've failed you as a father, I know this, but I cannot help but hope that one day you may find it in your heart to forgive me for that. The decisions I've made were made out of love for you and fear for your safety. I do not know if they were the right ones, but right or wrong, I hope you can eventually forgive me.
I have so many hopes and dreams for you my son. They began the moment I knew you existed and they will live on even after I am gone. I dream that this war will end and that you will finally be able to live the life you deserve, with the woman you love by your side. I wish a peaceful future and long life for you, with many joys and few tears. I wish I could be there to see you live that life, to see my grandchildren come into the world. Though I will not be there in body, I will certainly be looking on from the afterlife, prouder than ever. And yes Ken, I do fully expect grandchildren after this war is over. I'm fully aware of your feelings for a certain green eyed young lady we both know. You may be able to hide it from others, even Kozaburo, but I know you my son. When you are with her, you are exactly like your mother and I were when we were young. She loves you as well. Please do not make the same mistake I did and abandon love for duty. I saw how you were when you thought you lost her once before, at your order, and I know how if feels to lose the one you love. Even though I beat you up that time, I was in pain for you my son, because I know exactly how you felt. I lost your mother to my duty and then to illness. Do not make the same mistake with Jun. Love will not weaken you, it will only make you stronger.
Ken, my greatest wish is for you to be happy. I apologize for any wounds I may have given you in the past, as well as for any I may still inflict before this is all over. Your mother and I will be watching over you always. Always remember that I love you.
Otosan
Ken closed his eyes after he read the last line, finally allowing the tears he'd been holding back to slide down his cheeks. His father had always seemed so distant and cold during their missions together, it was almost strange to finally know how much he held inside. So many questions answered now, answers he wished he'd known before. And yet, even if he tried, he could no longer feel anger at his father for what he'd done. He'd sacrificed more than any of them. Placing the letter gently back in his pocket, he turned to look at the headstone, tracing the jet once more. He sighed softly and whispered, "I forgive you otosan. And I understand. Rest in peace."
Ken rose to his feet and turned around, only to stop short when he saw Jun watching quietly from the bottom of the hill. He waited as she made her way up to him, a concerned expression on his face. "Is everything alright?"
Jun smiled gently at him, "I was about to ask you the same question. We've been worried about you. Are you alright?"
Ken ran a hand over his hair, "Aa, I'm fine. Sorry to have worried you all. How did you find me anyways?"
Jun knelt in front of the stone, her finger tracing its carvings as Ken had earlier, "I checked the airfield and your plane was in the hanger, so I had a feeling you might be here." She looked up at him, "You sure you're ok?"
He offered a hand to help her up, "You know me too well. I'm fine, Jun. Just had a little talk with my father. He's still giving advice, even from the grave."
Jun smiled softly, "I noticed he's pretty good at that. The others are waiting for us at the J."
Ken raised a curious eyebrow at her comment but decided to wait until later to question it. Giving her the first smile he'd cracked in the last three days, he commented, "Well, I guess we better not keep them waiting."
As the two made their way down the hill, the wind whipped at their hair once again, it's once mournful wail now sounding almost like the sound of a man's pleased laughter.
The End