Kitty: Hello, everybody! Koosh and Kitty here with the third chapter of GAR—aka, Give A Reason.
Koosh: We're sorry it took so long, but Kitty's computer had a bit of a problem…
Kitty: -sniff- The remains of Hurricane Dennis flew over South Carolina (my state), and it's stupid thunderstorms completely fried my disk, the one that had my part of the third chapter on it. I WAS SO UPSET!
Kyle: She was. She was crying like a little sissy for weeks!
Zing: BUBBLES HAHAHAHAHA BUBBLES BUBBLES WHEEEEEEEE!
Kitty: …I'll ignore that one, Kyle. Anyways, everyone, I'd like you to meet Zing! He's my newest muse! He takes care of all my insanity…
Koosh: Shows, doesn't it?
Kyle: Then what's my job?
Kitty: You're in charge of all the sarcastic-ness and foul language.
Kyle: …Oh. Okay, then.
Koosh: I got a new muse, too! –pulls out 6 inch fire salamander- Everyone, meet Whisky! She will be addressing all of you reviews and flames... Geddit? She's a fire salamander?
-groans from the readers-
Whisky: Idiot.
Koosh: -rolls eyes- She doesn't talk much, but when she does, she's oh-so charming.
Kitty: -claps hands- Enough talkin'! We gots a story to write! ON WITH THE CHAPTER!
Disclaimer:
Koosh: Kitty, it's your turn to say the disclaimer…
Kitty: -looks up from Gameboy- Huh? Oh yeah… Ahem, neither Koosh nor I own MASH. We do not own Fox. We do not own the songs that you will see in here, because most of them are from the movie Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. In fact, we do not own many things. Like Denzel Washington… Or Viggo Mortenson… Or Orlando Bloom… Elijah Wood… Alan Alda… Adam Sessler…
Koosh: -hands Kitty a buffalo wing which she immediately begins to eat- You get the idea.
Quote of the Day:
Henry (watching his desk fly through the air): I don't know what it's doing up there. It just keeps going up and up and up...
Give A Reason
Chapter 3: The Insanity
Authors 1 & 2: Koosh and Kitty
"And over there is the Mess Tent…"
"You're Trapper McIntyre…"
"Yes… And you're…?"
"Laura… You're TRAPPER MCINTYRE…"
"Yes… You've just established that…"
"You're Hawkeye Pierce…"
"Yeah… And you're Hilary?"
"Holly… You're HAWKEYE PIERCE…"
"Yeah, that's who I was the last time I checked…"
If you had been walking around the compound that hot summer morning, this is one of the many scenes you would have probably seen. Picture this: Hawkeye and Trapper walking side-by-side, pointing out various tents with small, slightly uncomfortable smiles on their faces. Following them closely is two girls, both with brown hair and of medium height. They are staring at the two men adoringly, neither blinking or averting their gazes.
That is exactly what Laura and Holly were doing; following two of their most favorite characters around the compound in complete awe.
"Over there is the women's showers," Hawkeye continued, pointing. The two girls gave it a brief glance.
Laura sighed dreamily. "That's nice—SPORKY!" The two men were pushed away as ecstatic teen rushed past them, sprinting towards something small and white lying on the ground a few feet away.
"YOU'RE ALIVE!" she screeched, scooping up the dusty spork. She babbled happily to it, oblivious to the fact that Hawkeye and Trapper were staring at her as if she were insane, and she continued to babble to the plastic utensil until she noticed…
…That one of her beloved Sporky's pointed ends was chipped!
The teen through her head back in anguish. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SPORKY! YOU'RE POINTY-END-OF-DOOM IS GONE! YOU HAVE BEEN MUTATED! WHY? WHY OH WHY CRUEL WORLD? WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYY?"
She began to sob hysterically, her face buried in her hands. Pedestrians passing by made as much space as possible between them and the girl sobbing over a plastic utensil. Hawkeye and Trapper exchanged glasses. The dark haired surgeon tapped the side of his head with a finger and mouthed, 'not quite right.' Trapper nodded in agreement.
Fortunately for them, Holly (who was very protective of her friends) did not see the Hawkeye's gesture. She ran over to her friend and threw an arm around her.
"There, there, it's okay," she said soothingly. "We can fix Sporky."
Laura immediately stopped crying as she sat up straight, her eyes bright. "You're right! We can fix him! But first, we must find his Pointy-End-of-DOOM!"
And so, the two girls began to crawl around on the dirt, searching for Sporky's Pointy-End-of-DOOM. Hawkeye and Trapper watched them from a safe distance. Then Trapper noticed something on the ground, near his foot. He nudged his friend. Hawkeye looked at the curly-haired man questioningly. Trapper nodded down to the tiny white triangle near his foot. Hawkeye swooped down and picked it up, then studied it in his hand for a few seconds.
"Hey!" he shouted, still staring at the end. "Is this what you were lookin' for?"
Immediately, the two girls rushed over. Hawkeye held it out to Laura, who squealed and snatched it up.
"YAY! THANK YOU! SPORKY HAS HIS POINTY-END-OF-DOOM BACK!" she shouted happily. Hawkeye and Trapper exchanged glances again.
"You're welcome…?"
"Come on, Kitty!" Holly shouted, grabbing the younger girl's arm. "Let's go fix Sporky so we can bug Frank so more!"
And with that, the two girls rushed off, leaving Hawkeye and Trapper to stare after them silently.
"Nice girls," Hawkeye finally said, in a tone one uses when talking about the weather. Trapper nodded.
"Bit psychotic, though."
"Yeah, that's true," Hawkeye agreed, and with that, the two walked off to have a drink.
"Don't worry Sporky, you'll be back to your old world-dominating self in no time!" Laura chirped to the plastic utensil as she coated the tiny piece of plastic's end with glue. They were in Colonel Henry's office, repairing the future monarch's tip.
Henry was the only one who did not look happy and/or amused.
"…" said Sporky. Holly held down Sporky as the younger carefully replaced the Pointy-End-of-DOOM to its original place.
"There you go! You're all better now!" Laura said happily, tapping the newly restored tip.
Snick.
The tip fell off.
"POINTY-END-OF-DOOM!" Laura wailed, diving after it. Henry scowled, and Holly repressed a giggle. This was just like a sitcom!
Three more times the tip fell off, and three more times was it restored. Finally, after the third time, Laura finally understood that she was NOT supposed to touch the Pointy-End-of-DOOM until the glue was dry.
Laura carefully placed Sporky on the desk, and straightened him neatly. She then smiled up at Henry's scowling face.
"Thank you for volunteering to watch Sporky while he dries!" she said cheerfully.
"I DIDN'T volunteer. You decided," the colonel pointed out.
"Same difference," Holly replied, shrugging. Laura patted the spork gently before turning to her friend.
"Ok! Sporky's in good hands! Let's go explorin'!"
Holly agreed eagerly, and the two girls rushed out. Henry stared after them, blinking, before looking down at the spork.
"…What are you starin' at?" he asked the plastic utensil.
"…" replied the spork.
Holly and Laura had been wondering around the compound for quite a while—about two hours, they guessed. During these two hours, the two girls had performed every single random act of insanity they could think of. By the time lunch came around, the two girls had already gotten thrown out of the Mess Tent, the Post-op tent, the Officer's Club, Rosie's Bar, Margaret's tent, Igor's tent, the showers, the latrines, and even Radar's office.
"Well now what?" Holly sighed as she and the younger girl shuffled down the dirt road. Laura scrunched up her nose and did something so AMAZING, so ASTOUNDING, so INCREDIBLY INCREDIBLE, that the WHOLE FREAKIN' WORLD stopped turnin' for about five seconds.
She thought. Yes, that's right she thought. NO, the apocalypse is NOT coming.
Hey! What's that look for? Huh? HUH? LAURA IS PERFECTLY CAPAPBLE OF THINKING! JUST BECAUSE SHE LIKES TO DO LIFE THREATENING THINGS, LIKE TURN HERSELF INTO A HUMAN SACRIFICE, OR GO CLIMB UP THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE WHILE YOUR COUSIN USES YOU FOR TARGET PRACTICE, YOU THINK SHE'S INCAPABLE OF THINKING! WELL, SHE'S NOT!
…So there.
Anyways, Laura thought for a long time. Her face was all scrunched up in concentration. It looked like it was a hard task for her. Then she brightened, an idea in her head.
"I know! Let's go explore the area outside the compound!"
Holly stared at the younger girl.
"…You do realize there are snipers out there, right?" she asked finally. The younger girl shrugged.
"So what! We'll survive!" she chirped. Holly shook her head.
"I don't know, Laura—"
However, Laura was not listening to Holly. She was sprinting away, down the dirt road, singing that song about big butts—what's it called again? Oh yeah, she was singing 'Baby Got Back.'
"Laura!" Holly shouted, dashing after her friend. After all, she was the oldest of the two! It was her responsibility to take care of the younger girl.
And so, Holly chased her friend down the dirt road, out of the compound, past the fields, and towards a tiny little farm where an innocent, normal, hard-working, and peaceful Korean family lived. Unfortunately for the family, their uneventful little life was about to be turned upside down…
Once upon a time, there was a farm. Yes, this farm is the farm I was talking about in the paragraph above this one. And on this farm, there lived a Korean man—let's call him Bob. I'm too lazy to go on the Internet to look for Korean names right now.
Bob lived on his tiny little farm with his wife of ten years (who we shall call Sue), his widowed mother (who we shall call Inga), and their two wonderful children (who we shall call Hansel and Gretel).
Bob was a peaceful, hardworking man who led an uneventful, simple, and pleasant life. He never asked for much. He never did anything wrong. He was faithful to his wife, he took good care of his mother, and he did his very best to provide for his wonderful children, whom he adored with all his heart and soul.
So, really, there was no reason for him to be cursed with the arrival of the two insane girls…
On that summer morning, Bob was plowing the fields, faithfully following his usual routine. However, unbeknownst to him, that day was going to be a little different…
"HIIIIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"
The poor man almost jumped out of his skin. He whirled around, and found himself face-to-face with a skinny girl who had a very wide, creepy smile on her face.
Startled, Bob babbled something in Korean. However, Laura did not understand. To her, it sounded like "Blah blah blah, blah bleh bleeh bloh blah." However, the smile was not wiped from Laura's face. And her ever-so cheerful attitude had not diminished either.
"Hi sir! I don't understand you but I wanna talk to you anyway!"
Bob blinked. "Blah bloh bleh blah?" he asked. Laura shrugged.
"Can't understand you!" the teen raised one finger into the air. "And now," she declared importantly, "I shall poke you on the head!"
And she did.
And all Bob could do was blink. He was confused. Why was this strange American girl poking him repeatedly on the head? Was there something on his head?
Suddenly, another girl with brown hair ran up to them, slightly breathless. (As you all probably know, this is Holly.)
"There you are," Holly gasped, hunched over as she tried to regain her breath.
"Hi, Holleh!" Laura shouted cheerfully, right into poor Bob's ear. Bob winced unhappily.
Holly looked up and noticed Bob.
"Hi Laurah. Who's this?" she asked, her breath gradually returning. Laura shrugged.
"I dunno. But I like him! Let's keep him! Can we keep him please?"
Holly blinked. "We can't keep a human being as a pet, Laura." The younger girl blinked intelligently.
"We can't? Well, that's not right! My cousin Josh kept me as a pet for three weeks when I was ten! No one told him it wasn't allowed then!"
Holly sighed and shook her head. "Well, you can't. So why don't we just walk back to the compound now?"
Laura stuck out her lip and whimpered. "But I've already named him!" she wailed.
"Laura, I'm sure he already has a name," Holly explained patiently. "Here, I'll show you." She turned to the man.
"What's your name?" she asked slowly, knowing that the poor man couldn't understand English very well.
"Bob," he replied after taking a moment or two to figure out what she said. Holly blinked.
"Well, that's different," she mused. "Never thought I'd meet a Korean named Bob…"
"CHICKENS!"
Bob and Holly's heads snapped in the direction to where the chicken coop-thing was. Laura was standing beside the coop, her arms full of chickens.
The 15-year-old noticed her friend was staring. She beamed happily.
"I love chickens, Holleh!" she shouted. Holly laughed.
"Blaha bleh blooh bloh bleeh!" wailed Bob, racing over and yanking all of the chickens out of the young girls arms. He was becoming distressed. Who were these strange girls? WHAT were they doing on his farm?
"Chicken hogger!" Laura shouted, sticking her tongue out childishly. Bob opened his mouth to say something back, but Laura was already on the go, sprinting towards the pigpen, where a bunch of pigs were lounging around in the thick, slimy mud, blinking intelligently and chewing on things in their mouths slowly.
"PIGGIES!" the girl squealed happily, joining the swine in their mud soak.
SPLAT!
Laura and the pigs soon found themselves completely covered in mud. The pigs, who were not startled in the least, continued to soak and chew listlessly. Laura, however, was beside herself with happiness.
"I'm siiiiiiiiinging in the muuuuuuuuuuuuuud… Just siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinging in the muuuuuuuuuuuud…" she crooned happily as she performed the backstroke in the mud.
Holly watched her for a moment, then decided that this looked like fun, and soon joined her.
SPLAT!
Holly was now also sporting the 'muddy' look.
"Hello, Mr. Pig," she greeted the pig beside her cheerfully. Mr. Pig blinked up at her intelligently, continuing to chew slowly.
Bob ran to the pen, shouting all sorts of things in Korean. When he finally reached the pin he found the two girls in the middle of making mud-angels.
"Blah bloh bleeh blah bleeh!" Bob shouted unhappily. Holly waved to him cheerfully.
"Hi Bob! Come on in, the mud's great!"
"Blaha bloh bleeh bleeh!" wailed Bob.
Then Bob's wife Sue came out of the house to see what the commotion was about.
"Blah bleeh bloho blah bleh bleeh?" she asked, gesturing to the two girls in confusion.
"Blah bleh! Blah bloh bleeh bleeh! Blah bleeh bloh bleeh blah! Bloh!" shouted Bob unhappily, waving his arms in the air to express his point.
Meanwhile, Holly and Laura were having themselves a grand old time.
In fact, they were having such a good time, they began to sing. This is their song:
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh…
Chicken go cluck-cluck,
Cow go moo!
Piggy go oink-oink,
How 'bout you?
Love to be an animal,
Just like you!"
As they sang, they rolled around in the mud. The pigs continued to ignore them, as they were off in their own little worlds… In a place where they were not made into bacon, or into sausage, or patties, or any other horrors like that.
Then Inga, Bob's widowed and bad-tempered mother, stormed out. She was in a very bad mood. Some horribly off-key singing had woken her up from her morning nap! Now she would be late for her mid-afternoon nap! And that would make her late for her late afternoon nap, too!
And Inga KNEW that the singing was coming from Bob. Bob was a horrible singer. Everyone knew Bob was a horrible singer. Only Bob could be singing something so horrible as that which had woken her from her nap! (If you understood a word I just typed, then go off and congratulate yourselves, because it means you've got a brain!)
"BOB!" the angry little old Korean lady roared. "Blah bloh bleeh bleeh blah! Blah bleeh blah bloh, blah bleehee blah bleeh bleh bleeh!"
"Blah bleeh blah!" Bob wailed back miserably.
Furious, Inga brought her All-Powerful-and-Mighty-Stick/Cane-of-DOOM over her head, then brought it down upon her ungrateful son's noggin.
SMACK! CRACK! WHACK!
"AIIEE!" squealed Bob.
Holly and Laura continued to sing, though it was a different song. It went like this:
"Ooooooooooooohhh—
Taco Bell, Taco Bell!
Product placement
With Taco Bell!
Enchirito macho burrito!"
At that moment, the last two members of Bob's family rushed out. They were Hansel and Gretel, Bob's two lovely children.
"Blah bloh bleeh? Blah bloh bleeh blah bleh bleeh?" asked Gretel curiously.
"Blah bleeeeeh!" squealed Bob as his mother wacked him furiously over the head with her All-Powerful-and-Mighty-Stick/Cane-of-DOOM.
"Blah bloh bleh?" Hansel asked, tilting his head intelligently.
"Blah bleh! Blah bloh bleeh! Blah bleh bleeh bloh blah!" snapped Sue, gesturing wildly to the two singing girls, who had moved on to a different song.
"…And IIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIII!
Will al-ways…
Love YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU!
WILL AL-WAYS…
LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU!"
The family winced at the two girls' horribly off-key voices.
"Bleh bloh?" Bob whimpered to his wife. Sue shrugged.
"Blah bleh bleeh. Blaha bloho blah bleh," she replied.
Meanwhile, the two girls were getting bored with rolling around in the mud.
"I guess it's time to go home," Laura said, sounding very disappointed. Holly nodded, and the two girls stood reluctantly, mud dripping from their bodies. The family took no notice of the two, continuing instead to argue amongst themselves.
Laura scratched her head, looking very intelligent indeed.
"I don't want to go back home on foot," she announced finally. Holly thought about this for awhile then nodded.
"I agree. All that soaking and singing in the mud wore me out. But how do we get back?"
Laura pointed over to the cow tied to the tree.
Holly blinked. "We ride the cow?"
Laura nodded, a wide smile on her face. "Yup! We're ridin' the cow on home!"
Unfortunately, they failed to discuss this agreement with the cow and Bob…
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shouted Laura happily as she and Holly raced by Bob and his family on the back of the cow named Steve.
Bob stared after them, blinking intelligently till it dawned on them that those two crazy girls were going away on HIS cow!
Thus did Bob say his first English sentence in this story…
"HEY! YOU CAN'T STEAL MY COW!"
Laura and Holly whipped their heads around to stare at Bob. They were both grinning widely.
"BOB! YOU SPEAK ENGLISH! YOU ARE NOW A SPECIAL PERSON!" Holly shouted as the Korean man disappeared from view, waving her hands excitedly. Unfortunately, in doing so, she let go of Laura's waist, which had been keeping her from flying off. Now she went flying off.
"WHA!" screamed the teen as she flew off the cow's back. However, she did not land on the ground, because at the last minute she made a very successful grab onto the cow's tail, which she was now clinging to desperately as she flew behind the cow like a banner.
"You okay back there?" Laura called to her.
"HELP!" shouted Holly.
"Glad to hear it!" Laura said happily before turning back around to face the front.
And so, the two girls and Steve the Cow disappeared into the sunset, heading for the 4077th which would soon become a second home to them…
"What in the world…?"
That was all Henry could say as he stared at Steve the Cow. He had been sitting at his desk, doing some paperwork quietly and minding his own business, when Holly and Laura waltzed in (in a matter of speaking) on the back of a huge, black and white cow. Both were completely covered in mud, and were looking considerably windblown, with twigs and leaves and pieces of hay sticking out of their hair and on their clothes.
"Hi, Henry!" chirped Holly, who looked a lot worse than Laura.
"What the hell is this?" Henry asked, his voice high with stress.
"This is Steve. He's from Florida!" Laura said in a bragging tone.
Henry rolled his eyes. "No he's not! He's from the farm up the road!"
The two girls pouted.
"You know Henry," Holly said, her eyes narrowed. "That is so like you. You always suck the fun out of everything!"
Henry gasped, outraged, forgetting the fact that he had only known these girls for a few hours so there was no reason they would say something like that.
"I do not suck the fun out of everything!" he protested.
"Fun-sucker!" Laura shouted. Then she saw her beloved Sporky.
"SPORKY!" she squealed, jumping off of Steve and snatching up the plastic utensil. She hugged it tightly.
Snick.
Sporky's Pointy-End-of-DOOM was chipped off once more.
"SPORKY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Laura unhappily as Holly jumped off of Steve and scooped down quickly, snatching up the tip.
Henry was fed up. "OUT!" he roared, picking up his Pointy-Pointer-of-DOOM and waving it in the air threateningly. The two girls squeaked and raced out, dragging Steve behind them.
Henry dropped his Pointy-Pointer-of-DOOM and sighed. He needed a drink… Maybe a nurse… Yes, a nurse would be nice…
Kitty: All right, that's it.
Koosh: Hope you enjoyed it!
Kitty: As we said before, this isn't the original chapter since the other was incinerated. -sob sob- And it isn't as good as the original... But I think it's pretty decent.
Koosh: We would also like to apologize to anyone who had taken offense in the whole 'blah-Korean' language thing. We mean no offense. We just did not know how to speak Korean, and were to lazy to go and look it up off the Internet. We would also like to point out that we have several Korean friends who read this and found it very funny. We have their permission to do this. Again, we're sorry, and we mean no offense. It's purely for entertainment.
Whisky: Now that that's out of the way... READ AND REVIEW!
Kyle: ...Or else.
Zing: BUBBLES HAHAHAHAHAHA BUBBLES WHEEE! LOVE BUBBLES, HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Whisky and Kyle: ...Idiot.