Kyle: Neither Kitty or Koosh could make it today, so us muses will be introducing this chapter. For once, the intro will be calm, organised…
Zing: -in background- Bubbles! Hehe, yay! Bubbles!
Kyle: …sane…
Whisky: -in background- Shaddap, you moron.
Kyle: …sensible…
Zing: BUBBLES! MORE BUBBLES! HAHAHAHAHA!
Kyle: …normal…
Whisky: I said shut up, Zing.
Kyle: …and without incident.
Zing: WHEEEEEE!
Whisky: -flares up for a moment, burning page- DAMNIT ZING! BE QUIET!
Kyle and Zing: -scared- …
Whisky: Just read the damn fic, ok?
Disclaimer:
Koosh does not own MASH. If she did, there would be many great parties at her place to celebrate her owning MASH. Kitty does not own MASH either. If she did, she'd share the rights with Koosh. Or at least invite her over to her celebration parties.
Quote of the Day:
Klinger: Halt! Who goes there?
General: That man's naked!
Hawkeye: Aw, c'mon Klinger, put on a dress or something!
Trapper: At least a slip!
Give a Reason
Chapter 4: The Uniforms
Author 1 & 2: Kitty and Koosh
Hawkeye looked up from his nudist magazine as the Swamp door banged shut, and his jaw dropped. Holly and Laura stood in front of Hawk and Trapper, both covered in drying mud and an insane grin on each of their faces.
"Lauren and Hannah, wasn't it?" he asked after a moment, the slight shock sending his memory into a slight lapse. Trapper looked up, and also seemed momentarily surprised.
"Laura and Holly," Laura corrected him.
"We haven't seen either of you since you found Spunky, that plastic thing," Trapper said.
"You mean Sporky?" Holly suggested. Trapper just shrugged. "We went for a little walk, that's all," Holly said.
"Hey, do you guys know Bob?" Laura said excitedly.
"Bob? Who's Bob?" Hawkeye asked.
"Korean farmer, lives down the road," Trapper explained.
"We took his cow," Holly said. "One of you is gonna have to return Steve and apologise for us. I don't think Bob will let us go near him again. And with good reason."
"Steve?" Hawkeye asked, putting the magazine down. This was much more interesting than nude volleyball. "Who is Steve?"
"That's the name of Bob's cow," Laura chirped, not seemingly at all bothered that they had taken Steve.
"Ok, I think we're going to have to hear this from the beginning," Hawkeye said finally. Laura and Holly both sat on Frank's cot, dried bits of mud falling from their clothes and covering his pillow. Laura then went on to describe their day to Hawkeye and Trapper, Holly adding bits the younger teen missed out.
"Bob isn't going to be happy," Trapper scolded when Laura had finished.
"Yeah like you would have walked," Laura said.
"You're kids. What you two are doing in Korea?" Hawkeye asked, not ready to discuss the girl's recent adventure.
"What do you think we're doing here? There's a war on!" Laura exclaimed. Holly grinned at the two surgeons.
"Me, I'm sight-seeing," she said. Hawkeye and Trapper grinned back, but not so readily as the two girls did.
"Crazy?" Trapper muttered to his tent mate.
"Maybe," Hawkeye mumbled back.
"We're right here, you know," Holly said loudly. Both surgeons glanced up at them in surprise.
"Yeah, we knew that," Trapper replied.
"You guys stink," Hawkeye said, wrinkling up his nose.
"Well, we did roll around in mud with a pig then ride a cow back to camp," Laura said.
"I think we both need a shower," Holly said, agreeing with Hawkeye.
"A shower?" Laura groaned. "I don't wanna." The younger girl pouted. Holly rolled her eyes.
"You have no choice," she replied. "We'll nick some clothes from supply, and head over to the showers now. If I remember rightly, no one is meant to be in there for another…" Holly glanced at her wristwatch, "…four hours. Plenty of time."
"Awww," Laura said, standing up. Both girls looked down at Frank's cot, turned to each other and grinned. Hawkeye and Trapper just watched them as they jumped on Ferret Face's cot with their muddy shoes, driving as much dried mud as they could into the material. Finally, as the coup de grace, Laura took the helmet with water on the stove, empting it over his pillow. Both Captains were laughing quietly at the thought of Frank's face when he came in to find his cot the way it was as the girls headed for the supply tent to find clothes.
Unfortunately, one of the many places that they had been thrown out of whilst being completely crazy and immature was the supply room. Oh, it wasn't mentioned last chapter, but they had been kicked out of there all right, after trying to make a mummy out of Zale, the supplies officer, with bandages. The moment he saw their faces poking around the supply room door, he politely let them know that they weren't welcome.
"Get away you little brats!" he yelled, picking up an army boot and throwing it at them. Holly pulled back quickly, but Laura decided pulling faces at the supply sergeant was more fun. A second and a third boot hit the wall beside the door, narrowly missing Laura, before Holly dragged her friend out of the way of the flying army boots.
"Those things hurt if they hit you!" she told Laura. "Trust me, I know." Frank had thrown his boot at her originally when he first saw her and accused her of taking his mother.
"He couldn't hit the wide side of a Buick if his eyeballs were pressed against its door," Laura scoffed, shrugging out of Holly's grasp. She ducked back into the supply room to grab the three boots lying on the ground. A fourth flew through the door and only just missed Holly.
"Come on," Holly said, pulling Laura out a second time.
"So now we have a pair of boots each," Laura said as they stood in the middle of the compound. "Now what?"
"Should we ask the nurses for clothes?" Holly suggested.
"Nah, they don't like us no more," Laura said. "They wouldn't want to give us anything. How about we 'borrow' something instead?"
"I'm sure they wouldn't mind us permanently borrowing something," Holly replied with a grin. "Come on, we'll go 'borrow' something now, before anyone sees us and decides to throw more boots at us." The two began to sneak towards the nurses tents, Laura loudly humming the tune to 'Mission Impossible'. Holly joined in after a moment. After all, it was a catchy tune. Somehow, it turned to the 'James Bond' theme tune, then 'Indiana Jones'. Finally, the girls were humming the theme to 'The Simpsons'. Getting sidetracked was a hobby of Laura's.
Finally remembering what they were meant to be doing, Laura went to sneak into the nurses' tent while Holly kept watch. Unfortunately, neither girl thought to check before hand that the tent was empty.
Laura was chased out of the nurses' tent by three of the nurses, each brandishing a hairbrush, boot or helmet being swung by its straps. Holly casually ducked around the tent and out of sight as Laura tried to dodge the swinging items. Once the nurses were happy they had scared Laura off enough, they returned to their tent.
"Now what?" Laura asked Holly once they had regrouped. Holly looked around, biting her lip. Then she smiled.
"Come with me," she said, walking briskly towards Margaret's tent.
"What are you doing?" Laura demanded as Holly knocked loudly. Even Laura wasn't that crazy. When the knock went unanswered, Holly invited herself into the Major's tent.
"I saw Frank going into the supply tent, looking very suspicious, if you catch my meaning," Holly explained as Laura followed her.
"You could have just said," Laura said, sounding annoyed at her friend, yet in awe at being in Major Margaret Houlihan's tent. "We've got to redecorate for her while we're here," Laura said, looking around as Holly shuffled through Hotlips' footlocker. "That paint in your bag will do the job nicely, I think."
"Well, that paint was meant to be for a school assignment," Holly said, standing up with an armful of clothes. "But I suppose that sounds like more fun. Come on, let's go, and we'll come back later with the paint." The two ducked out of Margaret's tent again, and made a beeline for the showers.
Since making her first guess at when the showers would be empty and when they would be in use, Holly wasn't so sure they'd have an entire four hours to themselves to shower. She knew her math skills weren't the best in the world, even though she'd gone over it several times in her head. So, in her infinite wisdom (roll of eyes), she suggested each girl stood watch while the other showered, just in case.
It might have been a great idea too, if Laura, (now dressed in her nice new, clean uniform) guarding the showers from the 4077 personnel, hadn't seen Steve the Cow ambling across the compound again with his owner, Bob. Now, that would have been fine too, if Laura had not taken off across the compound to say hi. It still would have been ok if Holly had REMEMBERED that when she'd come to Korea, it had been the middle of the night in Australia, and mid morning when she had arrived, meaning her predictions of four hours shower time were incorrect. Of course, she hadn't, so that's when things started going… let's say uncomfortable, for one of the two girls.
Henry hadn't had the drink he had wanted after chasing Holly and Laura out of his office. Or the nurse. Instead, after sulking for an hour or so, muttering things like "Why me?" and "What did I do to deserve having two crazy kids being dumped in my camp?" and "If they leave, I'll never complain about Pierce and McIntyre again", Henry decided he'd go have a shower. After all, a shower meant to be relaxing, isn't it? So, he went to his tent, changed into his bathrobe, grabbed his towel and made his way across the compound. Passing the Swamp, he got called in by Hawkeye and Trapper, who wanted to discuss Holly and Laura with the Lieutenant-Colonel. He stayed for a few drinks, relieved when the Captains offered to keep an eye on the two girls… for a small price of three days R and R when they wanted.
They cut across the compound to Klinger's tent, where Klinger is also getting ready to shower. He's got his pink bathrobe, his towel, his soap, even his rubber ducky. How you can use a rubber ducky in the shower, Klinger doesn't know, but if it helps him get the section eight, he'll have the ducky set in gold. As he leaves his tent, a snide comment is made about his earrings by Sargent Zale, who has always hated Klinger, or maybe is just jealous he didn't think of section eight before the Crazy Corporal. The insult results in a fight.
Margaret and Frank have moved their 'praying' or 'reading of army manual' or whatever they said they were doing today, only to find Margaret had been robbed. Yelling and screaming, Margaret vows to find whichever sick pervert stole her clothes.
"Yeah," Frank adds.
Radar is talking to Father Mulcahy as he heads towards the showers, where he is meant to be fixing the hole in the canvas. Father Mulcahy, being the kind, considerate priest he is, has offered to help. However, they stop when they find Klinger and Zale belting the snot out of each other just outside the mess tent. While Father Mulcahy tries to break up the fight, Radar offers to take bets.
In the showers, Holly looks down at her clothes that she 'borrowed' from Margaret's tent. The undershirt is too short and the pants too long.
"Damn," says Holly. "Laura, are you out there?" No reply from the younger girl. Probably because she is trying to borrow money off Bob so she can put a bet on the big Klinger/Zale fight. "At least the boots and khaki shirt fits," Holly muttered, tucking the pant legs into her new boots and buttoning the over shirt. She then leaves the showers, slightly annoyed with her American friend for abandoning her. As Holly goes looking for Laura, Henry arrives at the showers and stumbles in, slightly tipsy and a lot less stressed than he was before.
Raise your hand if you thought Holly was gonna be caught in the showers naked. Come on, be honest, you know who you are. Ok, those readers have dirty minds. When I said it was going to get 'uncomfortable', I was being literal. Have you ever worn a shirt that is too short? Or pants you have to tuck into your shoes? Trust me, it's not fun.
Anyway, Holly found Laura with the sobbing Bob (his 'Blahs' may have translated into something along the lines of "Why me?" and "What did I do to deserve having two crazy kids being dumped in my country?" and "If they leave, I'll never complain about Hansel and Gretel again").
"I thought you were guarding the showers for me?" Holly asked.
"I met an old friend," Laura grinned as Bob sniffed once or twice. Holly gave Bob the peace sign. "So now we have uniforms, what do we do?" Laura asked. Holly shrugged.
"Well, we're in the MASH TV show surrounded by favourite characters," Holly said slowly. "What would a fanfic character do in our position?" The two girls thought seriously for a few minutes.
"JOIN THE ARMY!" they shouted in unison gleefully before running off to the big fight to find Radar and find out what loopholes there were for them to join.
Kitty: Well, we're here now! Better late than never! START THE FIC!
Koosh: Uh, I think they already read the fic…
Kitty: (Pauses) Damn muses! They're trying to taking over!
Koosh: Don't forget to review guys, cos even we need reviews. Also, I'd like to point out that this chapter is so late because of ME and only ME. Blame the school, and Whisky who didn't prompt me to write this enough.
Whisky: Yeah, sure, blame the fire salamander.
Zing: BUBBLES! HAHAHAHAHA!