Kitty: Koosh and I are very sorry for the extremely late update. Things were just sort of getting in our way...
Koosh: School and stuff, you know. But anyway, here we are with the fifth chapter!
Kitty: -sighs dreamily- It seems like only yesterday we first started this fic... And now look at it.
Kyle: Please save me.
Whisky: -elbows him in the ribs- Please save us.
Kyle: Er, right. That's what I meant. Please get us away from these two--
Zing: BUBBLES HAHAHA BUBBLES WHEEHEEHEE!
Kyle: --three psychos! We're begging you!
Whisky: And if you don't, I'll burn the arse off ya!
Kitty: -smothers them with a huge pillow- WHATEVER, you two!
Koosh: On with the fic!
Disclaimer:
Kitty: -whines- Do we HAVE to keep doing this?
Lawyers of Evilness and Gloom: ...Yes.
Koosh: -sighs- Oh fine... Kitty and I do not own MASH.
Kitty: If we did, we'd be ridiculously rich right now... SO BUZZ OFF!
Quote of the Day:
Radar: These are the forms to get the forms to order more forms, sir.
Author's Notes:
Kitty: Okay… so I looked back over the previous chapters, and I've decided that I think maybe I should tone down the insanity a bit and put in a little more sanity. I want this fic to sort of mean something, you know? So yeah… There will be some sanity in this chapter, and more in chapters to come. But have no fear, for there will still be plenty of sugar-induced hyperness! Enjoy!
Give A Reason
Chapter 5: The Madness
"So you're sayin' all we gotta do is fake almost everything we fill out on these forms, including our background information, and we'll be registered into the army?" asked Holly as she peered down at the forms Radar had given her. Laura also studied the forms, her nose scrunched up in concentration.
"That's right's right," Radar stuttered nervously. Poor Radar. He was so nervous. These strange girls scared him. They were too… energetic. He just couldn't figure them out.
"Sounds like fun!" Laura said cheerfully, plucking a pen from Radar's desk. "Let's get to it then!"
Holly nodded, with a mischievous smile on her face, grabbing a pen of her own. The two girls promptly plopped down on the floor and began to fill out the forms with a gusto. Laura rattled off statements and questions on hers, answering them enthusiastically.
"Mother: alive… Father: partially alive—I suspect that stick rammed up his rear exit will cause him to have a stroke any day now… Paternal grandfather: dead… Paternal grandmother: state champion poker player, thank you very much. Oh wait… wrong grandmother…"
Radar, meanwhile, slowly made his way to the door, trying to be as silent as possible, so as not to attract the attention of the two girls. Oblivious to her surroundings, Laura continued to rattle on.
"Occupation: second-in-command to the future ruler of the world, Sporky, King of the Sporks… Age:…eh, I'll say sixty—yeah, that sounds good, that's a nice ripe age…"
Holly laughed, and Radar quickened his pace a bit. Laura continued.
"Hair: purple! No, better yet, NEON purple! Eye: magenta. I like that word… It just sort of rolls off the tongue…"
Fortunately for him, Radar managed to slip out of the tent unnoticed, as the two girls were too preoccupied with their forms to pay him any attention. In fact, they were so absorbed in their forms, that they spent the rest of the day inside that tent, working on their forms… Eh, go figure…
Moonlight beamed down upon the compound, while the stars twinkled brightly in the sky. The wind was blowing gently. The crickets chirped quietly. All was peaceful…
That is, until Laura bounded down the road, in the strangest get-up anyone had ever seen. She was dressed in various things she had "borrowed" from around the compound; rubber gloves, a surgical mask, an army helmet, a blanket tied around her neck like a cape, Henry's waders, and the utility belt that belonged to the visiting technician. Laura had equipped this belt with Igor's spatula, a case of dental floss, some hair spray, and (of course) two plastic sporks (neither were Sporky, he was still recovering from the tramatic event of yesterday). Around her head she wore a garter belt.
"I am the great and powerful Sporkwoman!" she shouted. "Protector of the insane! I bound from tent-to-tent, saving the mentally unstable from the clutches of the sane! I created chaos, panic, and disorder wherever I go! My word is law, for I rule this compound!"
A few feet away, wearing his finest evening gown with matching gloves, Klinger stared. He blinked, then stared some more. Then his eyes narrowed.
"Hey… Is that my garter belt? Are you wearing my garter belt on your head?" he demanded to know.
"Silence, mortal!" Laura thundered, yanking one of her "weapons" from her belt. "Or I shall smite you with my…" She pointed the weapon at him, her finger poised to fire it, "…hairspray!"
"Give me back my garter belt!" Klinger shouted angrily.
"Silence, you knave!" Laura ordered. "And I shall consider letting you pass!"
A shadow to the right of them moved. "Just give him back his garter belt, Laura," the shadow said. Klinger's eyes narrowed even more, if possible.
"I know that voice," he said. Holly hurriedly stepped behind Laura who was still brandishing the hairspray. She had taken a more subtle costume to Laura, picking dark clothes to blend into the darkness while Laura redecorated Major Houlihan's tent and she kept watch.
"Look, I'm sorry," Holly said. Klinger obviously hadn't forgotten the nasty way she had treated him earlier that morning when she had found him in her room. "I was having a bad day, but that was no excuse to take it out on you." She made a face that she thought made her look innocent and upset. In reality, she was just pouting sulkily.
Laura, growing bored, suddenly bounded off towards Margaret's tent again. Holly followed quickly, rather than face the angry cross-dresser. However, Klinger followed them.
"He's following us," Holly hissed at Laura.
"Is that a problem?" Laura wanted to know. She stopped in front of Margaret's tent and knocked sharply on the door.
No one answered. Laura knocked again and waited. When no one answered, she announced cheerfully, "Prepare yourself! I'm coming in!" and waltzed right in.
Indeed, it appeared that Margaret was somewhere else. Laura then proceeded to bounce around the room idiotically, crashing into random objects for no apparent reason. Holly stood in the doorway, grinning. The older girl then pulled out the cans of paint spray that had been kept in her back pack. She whistled to the bouncing nut, who stopped and looked around.
A wide, eerie smile spread across Laura's face!
"B-E-A-utifiul," she breathed.
"Isn't it?" asked Holly before tossing a can to the younger girl. The two girls shook their respective cans enthusiastically, and started towards the walls menacingly, their wide, creepy smiles never falling from their faces.
The two girls then spent the next half hour spray painting the entire tent. They had a grand old time, spraying various sentences and pictures that popped into their heads. Eventually, however, fatigue over took them, so they both staggered off drowsily to find a place to sleep. Soon after that, Margaret emerged from the supply tent, her clothes wrinkled and her hair a mess. She began to walk briskly back to her tent, (for the record, when she was about half way to the tent, Ferret Face exited the supply tent and began to go back to the Swamp; you do the math) looking all business.
Once she reached her tent, she yawned and opened the door, vaguely noticing that the lights were on as she closed the door behind her. About five seconds later, she screamed.
Oh boy, did she scream. She screamed so loud that the sleeping birds flew out of the trees, that the crickets hopped away as fast as she could, and Private Johnson (the man on duty) was jolted from his sleep on the other side of the compound.
People from the nearby tents ran out and made their way quickly to Hot Lips's tent, shouting questions to each other among the confusion.
"Make way, make way!" shouted Henry as he shouldered his way through the crowd, looking quite rumpled and irritated, as he and Leslie had been interrupted from one of their 'sessions'. He pushed open the door and strode inside, Radar, Hawkeye, and Trapper at his heels.
There's no doubt that Henry would never forget the sight that greeted his eyes that night as he stared at the various paintings on Margaret Houlihan's tent walls. All sorts of things were sprayed on them; things like "Bunnies shall rule" "Sporkwoman wuz here" "I like pie" "All hail Sporks" "Ferret Face wuz here, too, in the bed" and a picture of a cute widdle bunny with big eyes that had a speech bubble saying "I see yoooooooooou..."
Henry's left eye began to twitch violently. He was quite aware of Radar, Trapper, and Hawkeye's hysterical laughter, as well as Hot Lips screeching for them to shut up and to get out and find whoever did this to her tent. But Henry didn't need to find out. Oh, no. He already knew who spray painted the Major's tent… And their names were Laura and Holly…
Henry gave the orders for people to search for the two girls, as they were not present at the scene of the crime. They were eventually found the following morning in the nurses showers, playing their 50th game of BS. They were then dragged back to Henry's office, where they were promptly given a severe lecture by the infuriated colonel.
"What the hell were you guys thinking?" he bellowed. "Do you realize how serious this is?"
Holly blinked. "It's serious?" she asked in surprised. "That's news to me…"
If possible, Henry's face turned even redder. "What the heck am I supposed to do with you two?" he hissed. "Houlihan's gonna expect me to have you court martialed, but I can't do that because you're notpart of the army! And I can't very well throw out two kids into the middle of the war, now can I?"
At this point, Laura opened her mouth to inform the angered man that they were part of the army, but Holly clapped her hand over her friend's mouth and smiled sweetly.
"It's a shame, isn't it Henry?" she asked in her best sugar-coated voice. "I guess you'll just have to give us extra chores, huh?"
"Yeah, chores!" piped in Laura as she shoved her friend's hand away. "Give us some chores, Dadoo! You must punish us for we have been bad! Want me to go get the whip?"
SMACK!
Laura and Holly stared at the stressed colonel, who had smacked his head against the desk's surface. He lay there now, completely still, apparently in too much pain to move. Finally, however, he sighed and picked himself up. He rubbed his eyes for a few seconds, before finally saying, "Just get the hell out of here. I'll call you when I've figured out what to do with you two…"
"Roger wilco!" the two nuts chirped as they skipped out, plans of more chaos, panic, and disorder already forming in their heads… God help us all…
Kitty: And there you go.
Koosh: Like it? Hate it? Let us know so we'll… well, you know.
Whiskey: Cleverly put. -Sarcasm-
Kyle: Genius's, aren't they? -More sarcasm-
Kitty: -pleased- Why, yes actually, yes we are. Thank you very much.
Zing: BUBBLES! BUBBLES HAHAHAHAHAHA! BUUUUUUUUUUUBBBBLEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!