Kitty: Hello, everyone! We're back with the seventh chapter.
Koosh: As promised, we have a very special treat for you!
Kitty: Yup yup! Why don't you tell the lovely reviewers what this treat is, Koosh?
Koosh: Oh, no no no. You should tell them Kitty!
Kitty: Please, I insist—you should do it.
Whiskey: -while the authors talk to each other- As you can see, Koosh and Kitty have officially lost it.
Kyle: -nods- Yup. I think it had something to do with those strange bubbles Zing was blowing earlier…
Zing: -sobbing- They took away my bubbles…
Whiskey: Yeah, the authors sorta went on a bubble popping frenzy…
Kitty: Really, Koosh, I insist—
Koosh: Nonsense! You should tell them!
Kyle: Oh, for crying out loud! I'll tell 'em! Ahem… This is chapter is a two-in-one special. In other words, this is two chapters in one, hence it being called 'The B&B Special.'
Whiskey: So go and read it already while Kyle and I try to slap some sense into those two idiots over there.
Zing: -screaming hysterically- THEY POPPED MY BUBBLES!
Kyle and Whiskey: Shut up Zing…
Disclaimer: Koosh and Kitty do not own MASH. They do not own that BBQ episode from The Simpsons, and they do not own the people who created the rubber ducky. The only thing they own is the contents of their pockets, which mainly consists of a couple pieces of lint, some string, and (in Kitty's case) seventeen cents.
Quote of the Day:
Klinger goes hang-gliding past in a housecoat and pink fuzzy slippers.
Hawkeye: (stops kissing nurse to look up) Did you see that?
Nurse: What?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with pink fuzzy feet.
Nurse rolls her eyes.
Trapper walks over with his nurse.
Trapper: Hawkeye, did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Hawkeye: (to his nurse) See?
Give A Reason
Chapter 7: The B&B Special
Part One: The Bath
Two weeks passed since the whole drinking episode, which ended up giving Laura and Holly their first hangover (ok, so Holly had been hung over before, but not like this). Since then, the two girls calmed down somewhat. By 'somewhat,' I mean not by much. What also happened in those two weeks was that Henry received a notice saying that he had acquired two new members for his unit—Privates Holly Harris, aged twenty-one (she was actually eighteen) and Laura Rutland, aged sixty (she was actually fifteen).
To put it very bluntly, Henry was quite pissed off. Not only, he shouted at the two miscreants, did they fill out army acceptance forms without his permission, but they also faked over half the information on said forms! Did they know how much trouble they were in?
The two authors answered that no, sorry, they didn't, but did he know just how sexy he looked in that fishing hat that morning?
Of course, Henry ended up getting frustrated with the two girls very quickly, and hastily dismissed them.
Now, due to the pipes in the showers being broken (courtesy of one of Holly's drunken rampages), everyone in the compound had gone without a shower for a whole week. As expected, the unit soon began to smell like a dead skunk that had been killed while on a hot date. In other words, the smell was not exactly pleasant.
Being the bona fide nut that she is, Laura volunteered to be one of the last ones to take a shower, gladly letting people go before her. By the time everyone else had bathed, Laura smelled quite foul.
People could only put up with this for so long. When it became too much for them to bear, they then tried to persuade her to bathe. When this failed, they tried threatening. Again, this didn't work. Then they tried bribing. This worked. True, they had to pay the nut a shit-load of chocolate, but at least people wouldn't have to keep clothes pins over their noses anymore.
So it was, on a cloudy November day (how we suddenly went from May to November is beyond me) in mid-afternoon, that Laura (dressed in Trapper's fuzzy yellow bathrobe and matching slippers, carrying her back-scrubber and rubber ducky) strode down the road and into the nurses showers to bathe. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief… Heh… that kind of rhymed…
Henry watched her from his tent, holding the flap up so he could watch her. He sighed loudly in relief, mentally thanking the man upstairs that the unit had been spared from further torturous smells. Radar stood behind him, his trusty clipboard in hand.
"Finally… She's actually going to take a bath… Radar, you've been elected to make sure that she actually uses soap!" Henry declared as he walked out the door and started to walk away. He didn't get very far, though, because Radar felt that he couldn't do that.
"I can't do that sir!" the company clerk squeaked, running up beside Henry. "I can't go in there while she's naked! I mean… she's a female! I'm a male! A-and well… n-nudity makes me breathe funny! And besides," he added, his tone suddenly carrying a suspicious edge, "she's crazy!"
Henry turned around and gave Radar a stern look.
"Look, O'Reilly, I just want you to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid…" the colonel began in the best calm voice he could manage. Unfortunately, this made Radar uncharacteristically mad, which was quite scary.
"Oh, I see what you're saying sir! You think that just because she's gone off and done some things that resulted in her IQ lowering dramatically, you think she's going to go off and do something completely insane and stupid beyond all reason! Something that might be potentially dangerous! So you're gonna send the company clerk out there, because you're too scared to handle it yourself!" screeched the tiny man in glasses, pointing his finger accusingly at the older man.
Henry had stopped now, and was staring at Radar with his mouth slightly agape. It had been a marvelous tantrum, and had resulted in Henry being completely dumbfounded. This gave Radar the courage to go on.
"And another thing—" Radar was about to start up ranting again when he noticed something coming up behind him…
It was singing Spice Girls songs… it was wearing a pink shower cap decorated with yellow flowers… it was covered with bubbles from the torso down… it was happily scrubbing it's back with a back-scrubber… it was riding in an old-fashioned white porcelain bathtub filled with pink bubbles… it had torn up most of the road during it's rampage… and it was slowly moving towards Radar and Henry…
Yes… it was Laura…
"Oh my god…" Henry and Radar said in unison as Laura went past in her and Holly's private bathtub that they had somehow bought from the black market, it's golden tiger legs (the things holding the tub up) ripping through the ground as they mysteriously walked past the two astounded men.
"How does that work…?" Henry murmured as Laura and the bathtub turned around a corner and disappeared, the nut apparently unaware that she was even moving…
Radar merely stood there, his mouth opening and closing like a fish, apparently at a loss for words.
Suddenly, from the other side of the tent on their left, the two men heard a nurse scream "OH MY GOD!" and the area was soon filled with the shouts and screams of personnel being blinded by the sight of the bathing author. Laura continued to remain oblivious to all… As she was too wrapped up in her own little world…
Henry sighed and rubbed his eyes, shaking his head.
"Well… I think we've learned our lesson…" he muttered to Radar, who nodded.
"Never let Private Rutland near the tub again, sir?" guessed the company clerk.
"Yup," replied the colonel as the voice of Holly suddenly sounded over the PA systems surrounding the area.
"Attention all personnel… Heh, I've always wanted to say that… If anyone recovers any information on the whereabouts of my partner-in-crime—er, I mean Private Rutland, could they please alert me or Captains Pierce and McIntyre? She was last seen approaching the Officer's Club in our bathtub, covered in bubbles, wearing a pink shower cap, and singing some songs that you probably won't recognize… so if she's spotted…" Holly suddenly broke off.
Henry groaned and smacked his forehead with his hand.
'Why, Lord?' he asked the man upstairs. 'Why do you do this to me?'
The PA suddenly came alive again, only instead of Holly speaking, it was some random dude who sounded quite disturbed.
"Err… Attention all personnel… Private Rutland has gotten out of the bathtub and is now walking to towards the mess tent in her shower cap… surrounded by bubbles… and nothing else… NOW IS THE TIME TO PANIC! I REPEAT: NOW IS THE TIME TO PANIC!"
Another gush of screams filled the compound as people panicked… Running this way and that… Screaming that the world was coming to it's end… Thinking they would never see their loved ones again… (Considering it was only a naked teen, it's worrying to think of how the camp might react if the enemy decided to attack armed with guns and wearing naught but bubbles…)
Henry looked at Radar.
Radar looked at Henry.
They both thought about retrieving the nut…
Saving the compound from her madness…
Rescuing them from the taste of nudity…
But then they realized right then and there…
They really… truly…
Didn't care…
"Up for some poker Radar?" asked Henry.
"That sounds swell, sir," replied the corporal. "The Swamp?"
"You betcha," Henry replied, and the two then proceeded to walk off towards the Swamp, while people around them freaked out… Temporarily suffering from insanity… Eh, whatever…
END
(Note: This next chapter is based on an episode from the Simpsons… I forget which one…)
Characters:
Homer – Laura and Holly (yes, we're both gonna be Homer… sorta… it'll work out, you'll see…)
Marge – Trapper
Lisa – Radar
Bart – Hawkeye
Mr. Burns – Frank
Smithers – Margaret
Chief Wiggum – Henry
Ned Flanders – Sgt. Zale
Other characters: Klinger, Father Mulcahy, Igor, and Nurse Kellye
"Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute Radar. Are you saying that you're never going to eat any kind of animal again? That's crazy!" Laura exclaimed.
"What about bacon?" ventured Holly.
"No, Holly..."
"Ham?"
"No, Laura..."
"Pork chops?"
"Guys, c'mon, they all come from the same animal!"
"Ha ha. Yeah right Radar. A wonderful, mag-i-cal animal."
Radar replayed his conversation that he had with Laura and Holly yesterday over and over in his head. For some reason, he had just realized how bad eating meat was, and now, he was insulting all those he knew who ate meat.
Meanwhile…
Laura and Holly were on their way back to the Swamp. However, they were distracted by a smell of cooking meat, drifting from Sergeant Zale's tent. They became curious, and wondered up the ramp to the front door. The door was open, and they saw Zale with some of his fellow enlisted men, surrounding a barbeque, brilliantly constructed with hospital equipment.
"What do you want?" Zale demanded to know when he saw the two girls peering in the doorway.
"Zale, you're having a barbeque, and you didn't invite us?" Laura felt the anger classes that she went to gradually disappear.
"Hey! This is a 'no-crazies-allowed' barbeque, okay kid? Now scram!" ordered Zale, glaring at Laura as the nut eyed the chicken on the spit in the middle of the tent.
"Oh, I get it. Well, Zale, I'll throw my own party, and invite only who I want to invite!" Laura snapped, feeling even angrier now, after seeing the chicken.
"Yeah, and it'll be ten times better than yours!" Holly added, childishly sticking her tongue out at them. The two girls decided that they wouldn't invite Zale, and that they would upstage him in anyway possible.
Zale found this idea to be hilarious.
"Hah!" he laughed loudly. "You hear that guys? These little squirts think they can throw a better party!" Holly's eyes narrowed as she glared at the older man evilly.
"We will so throw a better party than you, Zaley-boy!" she snapped.
Zale sneered. "Alright. Well when you throw your little barbeque party, the boys and I will come. And we'll see who has the better party then. Ok?"
"Ok." The two girls snapped, forgetting that they didn't want Zale to go to their party. It soon drifted back into their heads though. "D'oh!" they yelled in unison, before turning around and heading back to the Swamp. They didn't want to invite Zale to their barbeque, but had forgotten. Now they were stuck with him coming.
After…
"Laura, do you guys have to serve meat?" Radar asked, as he, Holly, Hawkeye, Trapper, and Laura all sat at their table in the mess tent, eating some sort of brownish-green substance that was supposed to be lasagne.
"Of course we do Radar. All normal people like meat," Laura replied, stuffing some of the brown stuff into her mouth.
"But Laura…" Radar said, hoping the nut would change her mind.
"Let the girls have their fun," Trapper called, sitting opposite of Radar. He too was stuffing his face, though not as enthusiastically as the fifteen-year-old.
"I'm gonna hand out invitations tomorrow, and hold the party after tomorrow. It's gonna be so fun!" Holly yelled, jumping up, spilling her plate of food everywhere, and dancing out the door, loudly singing "You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!" The others figured she was going to type the invitations now.
The day of the BBQ…
After wheeling and dealing with people from the black market, Laura and Holly's barbeque supplies finally arrived… Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit with the finally, when in reality it only took a few hours. But to the girls, you see, it seemed like days. You may wonder how two teens could get so much stuff from the black market with no real knowledge about it (if you think back to the TV show, they don't really explain how to buy things off the black market without being killed). The truth was, the two of them scared the Korean thieves who ran the black market, and with good reason.
The girls were holding their special barbeque near the Post OP. They had made the enlisted men set up five tables, and now everyone was sitting at them, including Sergeant Zale and his cronies. Hawkeye was wandering around the guests, Trapper was picking up finished plates from tables, Laura and Holly were cooking burgers, and Radar was sitting up the basketball pole above them. The corporal had attempted to get the two nuts to serve ice-cold tomato soup, but had failed. He was now sitting on the pole, directly above them.
"Uh, girls! Get me another one of those burgers. I can't seem to stand up on my own will anymore!" Henry called, looking a bit bloated and drunk. Holly flipped up a burger, and tossed it to Henry. He caught it in a bun, and started eating it.
"Hey Laurel! Can I have one?" Hawkeye asked as he approached Laura, who looked at him and grinned.
"Hey Hawkeye, you almost got my name right! Remember, it's Laura," she said before flipping up a burger.
"Here ya go!" she yelled, as it flew up high, up the basketball pole.
"It's bad enough that they eat meat. They don't have to rub it in my face," Radar muttered angrily, sitting up the pole. At that moment, the burger that Laura tossed up splattered directly into Radars' face.
"Urrrggghhhhh…" Radar growled, as the burger slid down his face, leaving behind grease and oil.
Hawkeye went to stand over next to Trapper, who was beside the drink dispenser, with a cup in his hand. Holly thought it was time to bring out her main attraction – a pig on a spit.
"And now, here's the best bit!" she shouted out to everyone, wheeling the pig on the spit into view. Henry managed to get off his behind, and wander over to the pig.
"Ha, ha, Ha, ha. Look at its nose!" he said, pointing at the pig's face with an apple in its mouth.
Zale stood up from his seat, and called out to the two girls. "Congratulations. Your party's are a huge success. A toast to the host who can boast the most roast!" he said, raising his glass in the air, along with Igor, Father Mulchay, Klinger, and Nurse Kellye. (Koosh: Coming from Ned Flanders, that quote is ok. Coming from Zale, who I don't like very much, it's just creepy.)
Holly grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head. "Ha, ha, ha, ha! Thanks Zale. I'd have to agree, that everything is certainly…Huh!"
Everybody gasped as Radar appeared, riding on a very familiar animal… And that animal's name was Steve the Cow. He had stolen it from Bob's farm, and was riding it directly towards the pig. He had a mad determined look on his face, as he charged Steve straight into the pig, pushing it towards the road.
"Hawk! No!" Trapper yelled, horror across his face. Hawkeye looked over at Trapper, feeling insulted.
"What?" he asked, as Trapper looked at him.
"Sorry. It's force of habit. Radar! No!" he yelled at the disappearing company clerk, watching Laura and Holly chase him down the path. Hawkeye decided to follow, and see where this was going.
"Radar!" Laura screamed, as Radar approached the road. He stopped Steve the Cow, and let the pig and BBQ roll into the dirty road amidst a stampede of cows being led to a field to graze. Laura and Holly ran after it, followed by Hawkeye.
"It's a little dirty, it's good! It's still good!" Laura yelled, chasing it through the cows across the road.
The pig rolled at top speed towards a river. The BBQ smashed into it, and the pig flew off, sailing towards to water. The girls ran towards the edge, and watched in horror as it drifted with the current towards a little wooden bridge that suddenly appeared.
"It's a little slimy, it's still good! It's still good!" Holly yelled as she and Laura ran as fast as they could to the bridge, Hawkeye keeping up with him. The pig got sucked into a little opening of the bridge and wasn't moving.
As the pressure of water behind the stuck pig built up, it eventually was shot out of the small hole, and flew across the fields and over the mountains.
"It's a little air borne… it's good! It's still good!" Laura cried, watching her prized pig fly into the distance towards who-knows-where.
"It's gone girls," Hawkeye said, telling them the cold hard truth.
"We know," the girls whimpered, still staring at where the pig had flown.
Meanwhile…
Frank and Margaret were driving back to the 4077th, having just finished their three days R&R. Margaret was driving.
"You know, Margaret. I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage," Frank said, staring at the sky with his hands behind his back. Margaret glanced at him in surprise.
"When pigs fly!" Frank finished, as he and Margaret began to laugh.
When Laura and Holly's flying roast pig flew past their jeep, the two began to stop laughing, and watched in disbelief as it disappeared from view.
"Wha…?" Frank said quietly, wondering if that really did happen, or it was a figment of his imagination.
Margaret interrupted his trail of thought. "Will you be, donating that million dollars now, Frank?" she asked, watching the Ferret carefully.
"Hmm… No, I'd still prefer not," Frank replied, watching as the 4077th grew larger as they approached.
Back at camp later on…
Holly was sulking over the deceased pork. She'd spent hours preparing that damn thing, and it had cost her all of Frank's saved up pay that he'd meant to send home. As a result, she was refusing to talk to Radar, even though he was seated next to her in the mess tent.
"Hawkeye, ask Radar to pass the salt," she said coldly.
"Radar," Hawkeye said, "Pass the salt please."
"Will she be putting it on her meatloaf?" Radar demanded. Hawkeye just turned to look at Holly's tray, where there was only a slice of meatloaf left.
"Yeah, I guess," he replied. Radar picked up the salt and threw it across the tent. Holly's eye narrowed and brimmed with tears. She'd always figured Radar was one person she could count on helping her out, since he was the only person who was really truly scared of her (Laura was a different matter. Everyone was scared of her). Standing up, Holly left the mess tent, nose high in the air, resulting her in running into the door because she couldn't see where she was going.
"You know Radar," Trapper said thoughtfully, chewing slowly, "These girls don't seem the sort to forgive and forget. You'd either better make it up to them, or watch yourself around camp from now on."
"I don't care," Radar muttered, pushing away his tray of wilted lettuce. He stood up and walked out of the mess tent.
"Little wiener is gonna pay for ruining that roast," Hawkeye muttered, poking the dismal meal in front of him. "And I'm not gonna help him when they get him back."
END
Kitty: Well, there you go! The B&B Special! We hoped you enjoyed reading it as much as we enjoyed typing it.
Koosh: Yup! Now you know the drill—read and review! Especially review. They always bring smiles to our faces! Except the bad ones…