Author's Notes: Well here it is… as I mentioned in the first chapter, this now has some Mark/Roger, but it's very light. Thanks to all who are reading and reviewing! I tried to get this out as fast as I could without making it total crap – which meant I rewrote most of it three times. So, I hope you enjoy it! Disclaimer – Rent belongs to Jonathan Larson, I just use them for some fun.
Chapter 5 – Roger's Birthday
I glanced down at the small parcel, excited yet nervous about seeing the look on Roger's face when he opened it. My stomach did a little flip-flop as I opened my bedroom door to let the light wash over my face. I stepped out into the main area, my footsteps making small noises as I walked over and placed the parcel down on the coffee table. I glanced at Roger's door – closed – and I walked over to the cupboards and looked at our limited food supply. I grabbed a somewhat stale piece of bread and brought it back over to the couch, where I sat down and stared at his gift.
So, I sat here, on the couch, camera at my side and an old newspaper in my hand, reading it barely while glancing up at Roger's door every couple of minutes. I desperately wanted to run in his room, shake him and wake him up. But it was his birthday and I had to respect his right to sleep in. Heck, he sleeps in every day, but I was going to do whatever he wanted on his birthday. With all the bad shit that has happened to him, I at least wanted to make his life as good as it could be on his birthday.
Finally after what seemed like an eternity, I heard noises coming from behind Roger's door. I tried to look occupied, looking down at the papers in front of me like they were the most interesting things I've ever read. I heard Roger's door creak open and the shuffle of feet come towards me.
"Happy Birthday Roger," I greet him, probably with a goofy smile on my face.
"Morning," he mumbled, finding his way over to the couch next to me.
"Any big birthday plans?" I say, watching him yawn and stretch on the couch.
"I hope you're not planning another God-awful party again," he replies, throwing his feet up on the coffee table. I watch as the parcel moves a bit, but it's otherwise safe.
"Don't worry, just dinner at the Life with Joanne, Maureen, and Collins," I inform him. He knew that already, but was trying to be difficult.
"What's this?" he asked as the small parcel grabbed the attention of his eye. He leaned forward to pick it up and examined it closely.
"It's your birthday present," I reply, proud of my accomplishment.
"Birthday present?" he asks, his fingers gently feeling the present.
"Uh yeah, you can open it," I tell him, trying not to sound too excited. He peels back the brown paper to find the canister of film I had made for him.
"Some film?" he asks, a bit confused. He turns it over to see the inscription For Roger, on his birthday. A smile breaks through on his face and he glances back up at me. "You made me a film?"
I smile in reply and walk over to where I had so conveniently placed the projector in anticipation. I set it up quickly and walk back over to him. "Ready to see your film?"
He seemed more alert than when he originally surfaced from his room a couple of minutes ago. His eyes seemed alive and he quickly placed the film in my hands. "Hell yes! I better look good or your ass is mine, Cohen."
I placed the film in the projector and I was nervous, yet overly excited for him to finally see what I worked so hard on. I made this film one of my best, just so he would know how much I cared, how much I care about him. That maybe all the problems that he's had in his short lifetime doesn't really matter if you have people in your life that care about you and that you can care about.
I sat down beside him on our fragile couch, watching Roger as the film began. All the clips I complied flash across the screen and I barely notice them, I just observe Roger. He said before that I was good at observing and I was doing just that. Watching his every reaction to every carefully picked clip, every smile, every sigh, and every time he glanced away because the memory was almost too much to handle. He'd occasionally look back at me, giving me a smile or comment on what I've complied.
I watch as the clip from his birthday last year begins to play on the screen and I shift in my seat, anticipating the end of my small film for the one person I so eagerly aimed to please, the only person I cared about what they thought of my work. The film ended and I almost wished I had made it longer. But finding five minutes of clips was hard enough with the time I had to make the piece.
As the screen goes black, Roger slowly turns around, a smile across his face. I wait for his first reactions, but I think I've left him speechless.
"So…" I say, hoping to wager some sort of reaction from the man sitting across from me. He rubs his hands together for a moment before he finally opens his mouth to respond.
"Mark, wow, I mean… some of those clips have to be what, four years old?" he begins with. I nod my head in response and he continues. "I mean, I'd forgotten about half the clips on there… seems like such a long time ago."
"I know," I reply.
He drops his hands in his lap, but pushes himself over to right beside me on the couch. I look away, unsure why he's moved so close to me. He continues, "You know, I still have the bear."
My head pops up in surprise to his confession, "Really?"
"Uh yeah, he still sleeps underneath my pillow every night," he says quietly, glancing away from my face.
"I just, I don't know, I thought that clip was fitting, I guess, I thought it described our relationship… our friendship… perfectly," I mumble along, almost astonished by my response.
"Uh yeah, you're right. Anyway… I guess, wow," he pauses, bringing his hands to mine and grasping them tightly. "I would say thank you, but that just doesn't seem enough."
I blush a bit at his comment, enjoying as Roger's rough hands grasped mine tightly. The feeling inside I get when he's touching me, when he's beside me, is nothing like I've ever felt. I guess it's a combination of excitement since Roger finally watched his film and the way he's become speechless in response. But most of all, I get the feeling because of the one secret I've kept from him for I don't even know how long.
I glance away, waiting for him to continue, "You know, half of those things I'm glad I've done with you. I'm glad you keep harassing me to take my AZT and to be healthy and all that shit. I just… I mean… you never stop caring."
I almost open my mouth at that point, but he continues, "I did some pretty crazy shit when I was going through withdrawal, didn't I?
I let out a small laugh to his comment and nod my head, "Yeah, you did. I couldn't help but put the clip of the fort on there."
"I'm glad you did," he responds, squeezing my hand a bit tighter. He finally pulls his hand out of mine, pushing back away from me on the couch. "Anyway, thank you."
I think my face might just be as red as a cherry by this point, as I continue to blush at his sincere thank you. I reply, "You're welcome. Happy Birthday, Roger."
"Can I watch it again?" he asks hesitantly, almost like a small child asking for a piece of candy. I jump up off the couch and fix the film so that Roger could watch his birthday present again. As soon as I had the film started, I made my way back to the couch and sat beside him again.
This time he seemed to enjoy watching his film, commenting on each of the clips…
As the small clip of Roger attempting to shoo away the bird in our loft comes across the screen, he turns around and starts laughing at me. "I can't believe you killed that bird. Mark, I didn't know you had evil in you."
"Hey, I didn't mean to kill the bird. You just kept yelling at me to get it out of there and I guess I swung too hard," I replied.
He laughs a bit before he continues, "I almost totally forgot about that, but know, seeing that clip, that was pretty damn funny."
He turns back around and continues watching. Next clip he turned around and commented on was our first Flag Day celebration clip. "You know, that was a damn good idea you came up with."
"I know, I thought of the same thing when I rewatched that clip."
He continues chatting to me the rest of the film and it quickly ends. This time he turns around, excited about what he saw. Then I see this look come across his face and it puzzles me a bit. It's almost like one of those 'ah-ha' moments, where you realize something you'd never even thought of before, but it makes sense now.
"I just realized something," he comments, glancing back at the blank screen.
"What?" I reply, a bit puzzled myself.
"It's just, all those clips, things we've done together, I mean… for the most part, they are things we only know about. Hell, I don't think I've ever told anyone about Flag Day…"
I butt into his realization with, "Yeah, I've never told anyone either."
"And the whole thing with the bear, and the fort, and… wow. Shit, it almost seems like everything really crazy I've ever done, well, you've been there right beside me."
I give a small laugh at his response and tell him something I wanted to mention, "Yeah, I know. And there were other things that I surprisingly enough didn't have on film. Like you telling off my mom."
He pumps his fist in the air and starts laughing a bit, "Hell yes! That was fucking awesome!"
"I still owe you big time for that one," I smile in response. He scoots a bit closer to me on the couch, a big smile across his face.
He glances down at his lap and his voice drops as he says, "You know, I don't know where I'd be today with you."
It was unexpected, but my heart did a little flip-flop with his confession. I felt the exact same way, I'd be nowhere without him. I've known this for a long time, which is why I suddenly have the urge to do something I've held back for such a long time.
I lean in, placing a small, delicate kiss on his forehead, and then pull away. "I would be just as lost without you; you have to know that as well."
He glances up into my eyes and I can't help but look away. I hope it wasn't weird for him, but if I had done what I really had the urge to do, he'd probably never speak to me again. But maybe… not, because the next thing I know he's pushed me down on the couch, he's leaning on top of me, and then he brings our mouths together for the very first time.
I pause for a moment before I grab a hold of his shirt and start kissing him back. It's an experience unlike any other I've ever had. There's no way to describe the feeling I get inside when he's touching me, when his lips are pushed against mine. His lips are forceful and I can feel my back digging into the couch. We break away after a moment, both breathless and in shock. I glance away, praying this wouldn't turn awkward, but was relieved when I felt Roger lay down on top of me.
"You know, this might just turn out to be the best birthday I've had," he says, his breath warm on my shirt. I shift a little so I can turn to face him.
"Oh really now?" I remark, a sly smile creeping across my face. We both just lie there for a moment, Roger's hand draped across my chest, his head nestled at my side. I've taken my one arm and placed it behind his back and we just stay there, taking in this new step we've finally reached in our relationship.
He takes his hand that is currently across my chest and grabs my free hand and links them together. He smiles up at me and replies with, "You know how fucking long I've wanted to do that?"
"I've got a pretty good idea, but how long?" I reply, humoring him.
"Well, for sure, the day Mimi left, but I'm pretty sure my subconscious has been yelling at me for much longer than that."
I laugh at his response and squeeze his hand, "Well, I guess, yeah. About the same."
"We're pretty fucked up, you know that, right?" he says, a little laugh coming through his words.
I let out my own laugh and draw myself closer to him. I don't think I could be any happier at this point in my life. It's amazing how a film can do that to two people…
We ended up just lying around for the rest of the day because it was what Roger said he wanted to do. I had gotten some donuts the day before as a treat and we ended up eating those throughout the entire day. At one point, we ended up pulling out some of my old films and watched those, and Roger played some of his older songs on his guitar. I guess his film inspired a day of nostalgia, but it was good to go back and remember all the good times we've shared together. God knows we've shared enough of the bad times to last two lifetimes.
We finally start actually doing something productive when we realized Joanne, Collins, and Maureen would be over soon to come hang out before we headed out to dinner. We took our time showering and getting ready, and Roger actually decided to make himself look presentable for the night.
I was relaxing on the couch while Roger was acting like a girl in the bathroom when I heard Collins' voice over the answering machine.
"Hey, throw down the keys."
I run over to the window and look down, seeing our three friends beaming up at me. I throw down the keys while shouting, "Hey, 'bout time you guys got here!"
I come back inside the loft and walk over to the loft door, pushing it open as Maureen comes running up the stairs, Collins and Joanne a few steps behind her. She throws her arms open at me and I stumble back a bit at her embrace.
"Hey Marky!" she exclaims. I step back away from her and focus my attention on the other two guests.
"Hey Collins, Joanne," I smile at the two sane friends we have left.
"Hey Mark," Joanne replies, following me into the center of the loft. Maureen automatically sits on the couch and Collins just stands beside her.
"What's with the projector?" Maureen asks and I'm careful what to respond to it.
"Roger and I were watching some films earlier," I respond, while he finally steps out of the bathroom, looking incredibly hot, and it almost made me want to push him up against the wall and start doing things to his body that I feel incredibly dirty even imagining.
"Hey everyone," Roger speaks, making his presence known among the group. Maureen automatically leaps up and rushes over to him, placing a rather large kiss on his cheek, and squeezing him tighter than she did to me.
"Happy Birthday Roger!" she squeals. He glances over at me and I give him my best 'sorry' expression I could muster up.
"You're killing me, Maureen," he responds when he's had too much. She quickly backs away, allowing Collins the chance to greet Roger.
They exchange hugs and greetings and Joanne steps up to him, placing a small kiss on his cheek, and tells him, "You look great."
"I feel great," he replies, glancing over at me again. If he keeps staring at me all night, I think they're going to know something's up.
We agreed earlier that we wouldn't say anything to the three about whatever the hell is going on between us; it would be our biggest secret to date. All those other ones I had put on the film, they were just the building blocks to the bigger secret we kept inside of us, the one that really described who we were.
I'm lost in thought, but I am quickly brought back to reality by Roger poking my shoulder. I shake a moment, breaking my gaze, and replying with, "Are we ready to go?"
"Sure thing," Joanne replies. Roger gives me a funny look, as to say, 'What the hell just got into you?' But if he knew I was just daydreaming like normal, he wouldn't be so concerned.
"Let's do this," I say to the group and lead them out of the loft.
Camera to my left and Roger at my right, we've nestled in a table in the back, enjoying dinner with Maureen, Joanne, and Collins. Maureen is doing her best at not trying to be the star of the evening, by occasionally pausing whatever she's discussing and changing topics to something Roger would enjoy talking about.
We've finished our dinner and I see Joanne rifle through her bag to pull a small, colorful wrapped present out. They hadn't mentioned anything to me about his gift this year, so I was curious as Joanne handed the gift across the table to Roger.
"You guys…" he says, while tearing the paper back. I can see a nice box beneath and he opens it to find a really nice pen. "Oh wow, this is really cool," he says, examining it, and picking it up out of the box. "It feels really cool too!"
"We figure you could use it for writing songs and such… might warm up the fingers to get some lyrics down or something," Collins commented. We both laughed a little and Roger placed the pen down on the table.
"Thanks guys, really. This has been the best birthday ever," he says, glancing over at me and giving me a bright smile.
"Oh really now, Roger?" Maureen asks, obviously up to something. I get a bit nervous, especially when she asks the next question. "What did our dear Marky get you for your birthday? He never even told us."
"Uh… well…" Roger stuttered, but cracked a small smile. In reality, I gave him several birthday presents. But the one they're thinking of isn't why he's smiling, or maybe it is.
"You know, you two have been acting funny all dinner, what, did you two finally fuck or something," she snaps back. Roger and I automatically turn to face each other, our eyes meeting briefly, before we turn back to face our friends. I let Roger take the lead, while I just sit back and try not to blush over her comment, might give us away.
"Very funny, Maureen…" he says and a sigh of relief washes over me. "Actually, Mark made me a film for my birthday."
"Really? Can we watch it?" she replies while I glance over at him. I never really had intended for anyone besides Roger and myself to watch it and what it means to the two of us, well, it's something I don't think anyone would understand. Plus, there's some clips on there of not so good times, times during Roger's withdrawal, some things I don't know if he'd want anyone else to watch. His eyes wander to mine and I don't respond. It's his film; he has the right to do with it whatever he wants.
"Uh, I don't know…" he responds uneasily.
"Please…" she says, practically begging across the table.
"Well, okay, I guess," he says, giving into her request. He gives me a weak smile and I sneak my hand underneath the table to interlock with his, giving his a squeeze before pulling away.
How Maureen, Joanne, and Collins interpret this film could be very interesting. I mean, I don't think they'll understand it, but they might peel back the layers and see what's hidden underneath all the secrets. Our one true secret – how much that we honestly care for each other – is there if you know where to look.
Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear any comments, suggestions, anything! Tell me what you think!