I must confess, I thought about that girl - I mean, Pearl, quite often after that encounter. She just happened to be on my mind a lot, and I couldn't figure out why. That annoyed the hell out of me, because I just couldn't justify it. I needed a reason. She was on my mind, and I wanted to know why. That's the only excuse I have for what happened next.
Chapter 4
As I walk to school the next day, I make an active choice to find out more about this… Pearl person. I do a brief rundown of what I know about her: She's shy, blushes and apologises too often, and likes classical music. Wonderful. Wouldn't just be easier to ignore her, and get on with my life? I mean, I seriously doubt that we're destined to fall in love, or some romantic rubbish like that. She's just like any other person.
Yet there's something about her that I can't ignore. She's not flashy and self-confident like the other girls. She doesn't keep up with the fashions or anything, and the school uniform looks shapeless and plain on her. She's pretty, I guess, but she doesn't seem aware of it. I just can't explain. Of course, I don't believe in love at first sight. Okay, so I happened to run into her a couple times. That doesn't make it fate. But I do know there's something about her that makes me want to know more.
When the bell for recess goes, I lean against the courtyard walls, and wait for her to leave class. There she is, making her way to her locker. She takes small, timid steps, lost in the crowd easily. While all the other dimwits go hang out by the fence to act coy and bat their eyelids, or try out their macho posturising with each another, she sits by herself, under a tree, eating a snack and listening to music.
Time to make my move.
"Can I sit here?" She looks up, and seems surprised (and to my exasperation, a little fearful) to see me standing there. She doesn't say anything. The silence begins to stretch on, and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. "I mean here, under this tree, next to you," Do I need to spell out everything for her?
She blinks, and looks away. "I… I knew what you meant." she says softly. "I just…" she shakes her head and blushes. "I'm sorry. Go ahead…"
With her permission, I settle down on the grass next to her. I do have a book with me, but I don't take it out just yet. I glance at her, and find her looking at me, with open curiosity and apprehension. "Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you or anything." I say gruffly. "Look, if you want me to, I'll leave. Is that it?"
She shakes her head and bites her lip, but at least she doesn't look away or blush. "No… it's just that…" she smiles tentatively. "People don't talk to me," she tells in her soft voice, as if that's just a given.
I snort. "Yeah well, me neither, so we're two of a kind." I lean back against the tree and open my book at a random page. I don't even think I've read up to here. It's just to give me something to do.
"How come you never come to class?" Her question is uttered so softly I can barely hear it. I look at her, and she flinches back. "I mean, not that… it's none of my business, but…" she stops, and lowers her eyes. "Um, are you angry at me…?"
I scowl in annoyance, but not for the reasons she's thinking. "I don't get angry that easily. It's a legitimate question. Don't apologise for being curious," I add when I see her open her mouth, no doubt to tell me she's sorry. I close my book, and look down at it. "You're right. I don't come to class that often. It's just because…" I shrug. "I don't see the point."
"What about this year's exams? And finals next year? And University?" her voice is getting a little stronger. Maybe she's over the fact that a perfect stranger is talking to her. "Aren't you worried about your future?"
I shrug again. "Look, in this small town it doesn't matter how good a score you get, or what University you go to. There's no future for anyone here. So why bother?"
She's silent for a while at that, but then she says softly. "I think it matters. If I don't get a good job, my… my parents wouldn't be happy." I'm about to tell her that maybe there's more to life than pleasing your parents, but she continues, "And also, I don't want to live with them forever." She gives a tiny shrug. "It's… It's a scary thought, when I try to imagine myself leaving home and starting my own life…" she stares out into space with a wistful smile on her face. "But… it'll happen one day, I guess. Staying with my parents until I'm old would be even worse."
She blushes, as if she can't believe she just told me all that. She's so shy, just sitting there with her knees curled up to her chest, biting her lip and staring blankly at the ground. It's… endearing. You might say.
"Elazul?" she softly says my name, and I realise I've been staring. Caught out, I clear my throat and look away. "Yeah, I guess so." I say gruffly. Somehow I just can't see Pearl with her own house, getting a job and living independently. Doesn't suit her. Then I try to imagine myself in the same scenario, and have trouble seeing that too. I guess I haven't really been thinking about my future that much.
"It must be nice…" she leans back against the tree, headphones in her ears. I wait, but she doesn't finish the thought.
"What?" I ask finally, when it becomes clear that she's not going to finish her sentence. She looks at me blankly, and I can't help but feel a little exasperated, though amused, at her cluelessness. "You were saying something?" I prompt. "You said, 'It must be nice…'"
"Oh," she smiles at me sweetly. "It must be nice not to have to worry about the future. Like you."
"Me?" I'm caught off guard at that. "What are you talking about?"
She shrugs, and smiles again. She seems so much less timid and shy when she's been talking for a while. "You just don't seem all that worried. I guess it's because you're smart…"
"Smart?" No one's ever accused me of that before. "I'm failing almost all my classes!"
She nods, and I notice her press the 'stop' button on her Discman. "But that's because you want to." She takes the headphones out, and lays them in her lap. "You're failing because you don't want to try," she looks back out into the distance. "…I'm doing okay, but I'm still worried about passing, even though I… I do my best," Again, she shows me that small, sweet smile. "But I think if you wanted to, you would do really well in school."
"That's a big judgement to make about someone you barely know," I mutter, not looking at her. As soon as I say it, I can feel the distance between us grow again. Something about her shrinks, and she lowers her eyes.
"I'm sorry," she says softly. There's silence, and she bites her lip and folds her hands in her lap, before turning on her music again. Deciding this conversation is over, I turn to my book.
The silence between us grows, but somehow it doesn't feel all that uncomfortable. Besides, I'm not thinking about that right now. What a strange idea… I'm failing every class… because I want to? I guess it's true… There's no reason for me to study, I remind myself. I don't care if I'm doing badly. But still, something feels wrong about failing… when I could actually do well. Even if I don't have a reason to achieve. But do I need a reason for everything? If that's true, then why am I sitting here, next to this girl?
After yesterday, I did think about that boy - I mean, Elazul, quite often. But I was very sure I wasn't on his mind in that same way. I guess it's not very realistic to call every chance encounter, 'fate'. It would be silly to think of him like we were destined to be with each other. He was just like any other boy. Despite all that, I still wanted to know more about him – even though I knew I could never talk to him. There was simply no way I would ever get to know him any better.
That was why I thought it was strange when he asked if he could sit next to me. It was so unexpected, I didn't know what to say. I think he got impatient with me when I didn't respond immediately, but he sat there anyway.
I was happy, but also apprehensive. Would we sit the whole of recess in silence? But maybe that would be better than awkward conversation. Yes, I think so. So I was just surprised as he was when I was the first one to open my mouth, and asked without thinking, why he never came to class.
"It's just because… I don't see the point," he shrugs. As if that really explains it. No point? There must be! Or… they wouldn't make us come to school, right? What about exams? Finals? University? Don't we need to go through all these - or at least the majority, if we want to get somewhere in life?
He stares at me, as if he is hearing all of this for the first time. I thought that parents and teachers had been telling us this all our lives. I guess I did move to this school only at the beginning of the year, but I'm sure it's the same anywhere.
I'm going to move out one day, I tell him. I won't be living with my parents forever. It's… unusual for me to say so many words at one time, but it doesn't feel so weird with him.
He just looks at me, like he doesn't know what to say, and I notice an unreadable look on his face. "Elazul?" I prod him with his name tentatively.
He visibly jolts out of it, looking away and clearing his throat. "Yeah, I guess." he agrees gruffly. I wonder if that's what he really thinks, or if he's just agreeing to humour me. Then I wonder if he has to worry about his future at all. I can't imagine him living with parents. Maybe even now, while still in school, he lives by himself. He seems the type of person who could do that. "It must be nice…" I whisper to myself.
"What?" His voice, grudgingly curious, stops me from getting lost in my music again. For a moment I don't know what he's talking about, but then I realise that I said my thought out loud. I'm not used to being with people.
"Oh," I smile at him tentatively. "It must be nice not to have to worry about the future. Like you,"
He seems surprised at this admission, and I explain, "You just don't seem all that worried. I guess it's because you're so smart…" I said that last part without thinking, but now that I have, I begin to realise how true it is. He never comes to class, yet he still manages to pass. He does less than the minimum work, but he's still managing to keep up with the rest of the class. He protests against my compliment, and I try to explain it to him, the way I see it. "You're failing because you don't want to try. …I'm doing okay, but I'm still worrying about passing, even though I… I do my best. But I think, if you wanted to, you could do really well in school." As I say it, I can't help but feel the truth in it. I think… I think I might be right.
But he frowns, and says, "That's a big judgement to be making about someone you barely know."
Admonished at once, I bite my lip and look away. What am I saying? He's absolutely right. It's definitely not my place to be making judgements about him. Where did all these words come from? Usually I don't know what to say. And now that I have actually said something, I've made him angry at me. "I'm sorry," I say softly.
He doesn't respond, and the air between us is still. But despite the fact that we've just had something that could almost be called an disagreement, I still don't feel all that awkward or uncomfortable. In fact, with the music playing, and the boy sitting next to me, I even dare to sneak a look at him. He's completely relaxed, leaning against the tree, one knee propped up in front of him so he can rest his book against it. I look at the header. He's on page 97 in the book Sons and Lovers by DH Lawrence.
I look at the words, but the text is small, and I don't want him to get angry at me for reading over his shoulder. So instead I listen to my music - Piano Sonata No. 17 by Beethoven. And this time, it's him that starts the conversation up again.
"Do you ever wear your hair out?" He's looking at my hair, and then at me. The question is so far away from our last conversation piece that, again, I am momentarily at a loss for words.
Self-consciously, I pull my loosely braided hair towards myself, and try to construct a legible answer. Such a simple question. Why can't I ever get my thoughts together? "…I don't think so…" I say softly. I look up at him, but his expression is unreadable, though there is a faint blush on his pale cheeks. "Do you think I should…?"
He shrugs, and looks away from me, though I think that blush might be spreading. "It's up to you," he says shortly. He glances back at it, his eyes following the full length of it appraisingly. "Though…" he shrugs again, a little self-consciously. "I think you should."
"I think you should cut your hair," The words are out of my mouth before I realise they're even in my head. He stares at me, and I blush, unable to believe I said something like that straight and flat out. "I mean… just the front part. Where it covers your eyes." He's still looking at me with that one visible blue eye, like he doesn't know how to respond. "Because…" I smile a little foolishly. "Um, you have nice eyes, you know. You shouldn't hide them." I hope he's not angry with me for saying that.
He looks at me for a lengthy moment more, and then says finally, "Thanks."
Then he goes back to his book, and I go back to my music, and we don't exchange another word for all of recess.
I thought that might have been a one-off thing, but at lunchtime, it's the same. He gruffly asks me if he can sit here, and I nod, looking at the ground. Our conversations are stilted, and sometimes end abruptly, but for some reason it's not awkward at all.
I think I don't mind this…
A/N: Sorry for the delay in updates. I said one week, and I meant it. Review replies at lapisblue.tk, as they will be from now on. Leave a review if you liked the chapter; I like to know what works and what doesn't.