Disclaimer:Not mine, all CLAMPs.
Secrets - part one
sugahcat
"Why won't you tell me the truth?"
"Because I can't, Kuro-chan," he replies and the pain behind his smile is utterly heartbreaking. I glare at him. I hate him for lying to me. And yet I can't hate him; I love him, even if I haven't managed to swallow my pride enough to tell him just yet. I should hate him; I despise people like him, but he's so fragile and yet so strong and such anger simmers beneath the surface.
He thinks I don't know about that, but I do. I can't help but notice when we're sharing a bed and his dreams - or nightmares - get voiced. 'Ashura', whoever he is, seems to be to blame for the state of him, for my mage cries out his name in pain, fury and sometimes ecstacy. Those are the ones I hate the most. I can accept that he's had other lovers, but to know that one of them also mistreated him so badly makes me want to kill the one who did it.
There's so much behind those blue eyes that I don't know about and I fear the pain I can see is only the smallest fraction of what is there. I want to make it better, somehow; to make him feel as though he can show some of that pain, that woe, so that he can begin to get over it. He seems to be a little less lonely since we started sleeping together; I feel the same. Slowly, together, we can defeat the ghost of this Ashura - and if we ever meet him I know we can defeat him in the flesh as well.
Inside, I smile ironically at myself. I have no right to get angry at him for not telling me the truth when I can't tell him how I feel.
I have faith in you, Fai. I love you. I need you.
One day, we'll tell each other the truth.