Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. But I imagine to when I'm in my happy place. There, he is all mine! (Just kidding...sorta.)
...Forenote: This story is a bit random and very strange. Just a warning. Oh, and there are two kinda major characters in it that I made up: Lord Taka and Lara. Lord Taka coughs a lot and is Lord Voldemort's younger brother. Lara is his evil (and smarter) minion.
Session One: Hermione Turns to the Dark Side
"Hey, Hermione," Ron said lazily, "got any gum?"
Hermione scowled. "You're not supposed to chew gum in class, y'know."
They were whispering to each other as not to get a look from Nobelia, a woman in a colorful portrait on the wall who was also their study hall teacher.
"Why're you so sour, Hermione?" Ron frowned. "Sheesh."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "I just thought you'd have learned your lesson from last time when I gave you one of your brothers' Firework Gumsticks."
"Silence, fools!"Nobelia bellowed.
Hermione and Ron jumped out of their seats in surprise. They had forgotten how loud the woman could be.
"You lowly dogs must cower before me!" she barked. "Now be quiet!" (Why is she calling them dogs while she's the one who is "barking"? Oh, I digress...)
Ron and Hermione gave each other mad glances and obeyed.
Later...
"Erm, are you guys mad at each other?" Harry said awkwardly, thinking in his mind, when are they not?
"No," Ron said, sparing as much sarcasm as he could, "I'm just glaring at her with love."
Hermione shrieked. "Okay, that's it!"
Her face was red from her anger, and her glare made it apparent that she wanted Ron dead. She had snapped, and anyone trying to stop her path was screwed.
"Ron, I hate you!" she spat, hysterical. "I've had enough of you! I'll kill you!"
A dark violet energy surrounded her, and it emitted a very dark aura. Her eyes lit up brightly, and her hair blew out in all directions. If Medusa had seen her hair style, she would've sued Hermione immediately for copying since there was a copyright law in place and being enforced.
"Muahaha!" Hermione blared with a newly-evil sounding voice. "Ron, you will die! Face my wrath!"
She cloaked herself in an outfit of black as dark as the energy she was now releasing. Her face looked almost inhuman with its harsh expression.
"Wh-what are you gonna do to me?" Ron whimpered as he wet his pants in horror.
"I'm gonna throw you in the closet! Yaaar!" Hermione screeched, flinging herself in Ron's direction.
She seized Ron's shirt and dragged him to a dark closet convieniently located right next to them. Well, she tried to, anyway. But what she saw in that closet scarred her for life. At the sight of it, she gasped and dropped Ron from her grip.
Alas! How unsightly! There, in that closet enveloped in utter darkness, a strange truth was revealed. Voldemort, winner of the ugliest wizard of the year award (2005 Witch Weekly) and Snape, the current Potions teacher, were engaging in physical activities that I will not describe in fear that I may puke. They were tightly pressing against each other in an odd, unnatural form of romance. I...um...dare not describe further.
"Ew!" Ron squeaked.
"Eaugh!" Hermione yelled. "Gay llamas!"
"Yuck!" Harry covered his eyes.
Voldemort and Snape were shameless. They batted their eyelashes in a positively disgusting, perverted way.
"Would you like to join our...meal?" They bekonned the horrified students to join them.
Ignoring the innuendo, Hermione hastily slammed the door on the abnormal couple. She shut her eyes and breathed deeply for a moment, as if erasing the images she had just witnessed from her mind.
"That. Never. Happened." She fiercely tried to convince herself of that. It didn't work.
"Bloody hell!" Ron muttered, still in disbelief.
Harry scowled. "Hey, nice going, Ron. Now this has escaladed into a problem because you've changed this into a PG-13 rated story, while we placed no mention of that anywhere! You should stop cussing!"
Ron raised an eyebrow, and in his own defense, he declared, "And you think this wasn't PG-13 before we saw gay llamas in a closet? And you're wrong; it does so say what the rating for this story is."
Harry thought a moment. "Good point."
Suddenly, the purple glow of evil shrouding Hermione in darkness grew more vast and threatening. That averted Ron and Harry's minds from dirty things easily and effectively.
"Stop worrying about such trivial (yet disturbing) details in this story! You've got more important things to concern yourself with: me!" she screeched, waving her arms around wildly.
Ron once again remembered the "Hermione situation." He twisted his face into a look of terror and surprise like it had been about ten paragraphs ago.
"No! Hermione! Don't turn to the dark side of the force!" he cried.
"This isn't Star Wars, y'know."
"Shush, Anakin--I mean, Harry. I know that!"
"Sorry to break up your chattering," Hermione sneered, "but I've got a Weasly to roast!"
Ron shuddered. I'm not positive, but I think he peed his pants again.
Hermione, oblivious to Ron's "wizzing problem", cackled evilly and held out her wand. She opened her mouth to utter the incantation for the spell, but she never did get it out.
Why? Well, a huge gray gate appeared next to Hermione, throwing off her concentration andactivating her curiosity.
"Who dares interrupt me, Hermione the Dark One?" Hermione boomed madly.
A deep, baritone voice spoke from the gate, which illuminated the darkness around it with a cool grey. "Hermione, you have chosen your path wisely. Come with me and learn the dark arts of the wizarding world."
Hermione squinted her evil-affected eyes."Not until you show yourself to me."
There was a pause, one in which Harry and Ron stood in bewilderment. They spoke not a word, gaping at their changed friend and the gate. (And I think Ron needs a diaper...he's dripping.)
"I cannot reveal myself to you," the voice bellowed with all its thundering power. "That is not possible at the moment."
"Whyever not?" Hermione spoke sharply, as if annoyed.
"I...I..." The voice stammered and trailed off.
Hermione tapped her foot impatiently. "Well?"
"I...er..." The voice grew weak. "I...have a zit."
Ron and Harry, who had previously been hugging each other (like gay llamas) out of fear busted out with laughter.
Hermione, however, had symathy for the gate person. "Oh, you poor evil being," she said sweetly. "I'll join you. Maybe we can buy you some Windex to get rid of that zit of yours."
With that, she jumped through the gate. There was a flash, and the gate was gone. And so, sadly (or perhaps thankfully), was Hermione.
"There goes one weirdo of the world," Harry said, partly relieved though not willing to admit it.
Ron didn't say anything.
Extra Note: I'm sure you've noticed by now how out-of-character everything is. Please don't mind it...that's just how the story is. So, who do you think the greatest dark lord is that I mention in the title? Any ideas? It's sort of a trick question right now...please review! (I am dedicating this story to my beloved friend, Shelby. -cries happily- No one knows who I'm talking about, though...)
Next chapter: Fourteen Years Later...
Side Story:Concerning Malfoy
Malfoy: "Wha-what? Hermione's on my side now? Impossible!"
Crabbe: "Lord He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Sane said so."
Goyle: "He said we can't mock her anymore, too."
Malfoy: "A mudblood can't join with us! NOOOOOOO!"
-screams for a full minute before turning purple-
-dies-