Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews! I have this story pretty much planned out, and only I know how it will end! So you'll just have to keep reading and reviewing! Ha ha! I own nothing except my own thoughts.

I tried it, I couldn't find it
Now I just wanna get back to me
Back into the man I used to be

("Man I Used to Be" by K-OS)

One Week Earlier

"NICK!"

He cringed as the voice reverberated around the small confines of the SUV. Sara's voice was amplified as she shouted his name at him through the rear window. He must have zoned out again; she sounded annoyed. She must have called him before and he hadn't answered. He found himself doing that a great deal these days. People had to repeat themselves in order for their words to penetrate the shroud of darkness that settled over him. More often than not he found it akin to being in the box again. The words people said to him seemed muffled somehow. He could see their lips moving and could hear their voices but the words never quite made it past his ears. It was sort of like living life underwater, where the sounds were audible but made no sense. He wondered when he would be able to make out the words again. Of course, these days he didn't much care. People could have told him that his arm was on fire and he would have just shrugged. It all seemed so unimportant to him these days. His job, his friends, and his life seemed to be a vain attempt at filling the void that he couldn't escape. There was an emptiness since they had pulled him from the ground. After spending countless hours alone in the box and contemplating his own mortality, he found that he didn't really want to be in his own company anymore. The person he was today was not the person he had been a year ago. He was just going through the motions of being alive because he knew it was what his friends wanted. They yearned to see the vibrant young man with the perpetual smile, but they didn't seem to realize that man was dead. He had died that day in the box and only a shell remained. Nick hated to think too much about it because he didn't want to admit that he wasn't the person that he used to be. He didn't know how to get back to the man he used to be. He tried to act like that man, but every day found it harder and harder to remember who that person had been. He was trying to walk in the shoes of a stranger and wasn't sure how much longer he could keep up the act. One small slip up and they would all know that he was not as okay as he kept insisting he was. He remembered the looks in their eyes when they had pulled him from the ground and he had vowed never to let them look at him that way again. Even if it killed him, he was going to put on the brave face and play the part that they needed him to play.

BANG!

As Sara slammed her hand into the side of the door, Nick lurched out of his seat as if he'd been shot, smashing his knee into the dashboard in the process. He let loose a string of profanities as Sara's annoyed face popped in through the open window to glare at him.

"Hello! I have called you three times! We need to get moving Nick. I don't think the rain is going to hold off much longer and we have so much to do. "

He was still cursing and clutching his knee as he glared at her.

"Oh suck it up and walk it off" she chirped as her look of annoyance changed to a smirk.

"Easy for you to say" he muttered as he opened the car door and began to hobble after her. "You're not the one who almost broke their knee cap"

"Yeah, yeah" she called over her shoulder. "Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?"

Nick couldn't see her wince as the words left her mouth, sounding callous even to her own ears. Nick froze in mid-step for half a second at the words, but quickly hurried to catch up to her so that she wouldn't think that her words had resonated as deeply as they had.

"Truer words were never spoken Sara" he said lightly, though he felt as if the words might choke him. It was the right answer, the one she needed to hear. It was the answer that would fool her, for another day at least, into believing that everything was still going to be okay.

Nearly three hours later Nick and Sara were driving back to the lab in silence. The rain had finally come and washed away anything that might have been left at the crime scene. They had collected as much evidence as they could and could only hope that they had what they needed. The rain began to pound against the windshield with violent ferocity, until visibility was almost zero. Sara was peering intently through the glass, as if staring would make the rain fade from her sight. Finally she let out an exasperated sigh and pulled the car over to the shoulder and put the hazards on.

"What are you doing?" asked Nick as she turned off the ignition.

"Driving in this is suicide. We are going to wait and ride it out. It won't last long."

They sat in silence again, each staring out their respective windows at Nature's fury. The longer they sat, the more condensation grew on the windows. Nick glanced around nervously. He could no longer see outside the vehicle. The world around him had disappeared. Though he knew logically that everything still existed beyond his window, he felt like he was suffocating. He wiped the glass with his hand, trying to mask the rising panic he could feel mounting in his chest. He saw Sara look at him with a look of concern.

"Just trying to watch the storm," he said in a voice that was far too cheerful and an octave higher than his normal tone.

She nodded, the lines of her brow furrowed. She wanted to ask if he was okay and he knew it, so he looked away and went back to trying to stare out the window. His hand lingered on the glass but the condensation reappeared as quickly as it had vanished. He closed his eyes.

The air was getting thinner and thinner as the seconds crept by like days. No matter where he turned he hit the hard unforgiving Plexiglass. He struggled to maintain his composure while every ounce of his being screamed at him to claw his way out of this nightmare. With every breath the walls of the box grew cloudy and thick with condensation. With every breath he could feel himself creeping closer to death. The walls of the box were foggy, and if he used his imagination, he could pretend that there weren't several feet of dirt on the other side of that glass. The condensation filled the walls of the coffin like smoke, reminding him that he was going to die alone in this hole. There was no escape…nowhere to go…not enough air…

With a sudden, panicked cry he fumbled for the door handle, and upon finding it, flung himself out the side of the vehicle. Sara, shocked by his sudden yell, hesitated only a second before jumping across the passenger seat after him.

He stumbled from the car in his panic to escape his captivity and backed away blindly as the rain drenched him to the bone. As he lurched blindly into the storm, his foot found the incline of the ditch they had parked next to, and the next thing he knew he was falling headfirst into the brush beneath.

"Jesus! Nick!" he could hear Sara shouting and swearing as she half ran, half slid down the incline to where he lay. The mud and the wet were seeping into his clothes but he didn't care. All that mattered is that he was no longer in that damn box. He couldn't help but feel a sense of déjà vu. Not so many months ago he had been pulled from the box into the dirt. He found himself in a parallel situation at this moment, though this time it was choice, not force that had propelled him from his prison.

"Nick!" For what must have been the hundredth time that day Sara was yelling his name at him. This time however, he answered immediately.

"Yeah?"

She gave him a disbelieving look. How could he be responding so calmly?

"What the hell!" She shouted as she grabbed him by both shoulders and tried to assess if he was injured. There were no visible signs that he was hurt but the rain was so dense that it was hard to tell. "You scared me half to death!"

He reached up and gently pushed her hands away. "I'm sorry. I just.." he found he couldn't finish the sentence.

"Panicked?" she offered in a voice so quiet that the rain all but drowned it out.

He was silent for a long moment. She spoke before he had a chance to find the words that would explain why he had just jumped out a car into a downpour.

"You were back in the box again, weren't you?"

"Why Dr. Sidle, are you trying to diagnosis me?" he said, in an ill attempt at humor.

"Nick, be serious. Was it a flashback?"

He studied the mud and the branches around them as he answered. "No. It's just, um, the car felt really small, you know? And I guess I just needed fresh air. I guess I got it" he finished lamely as he gestured at the ditch.

Though the dirt and the rain marred her face, he knew she was looking at him with that intensity that only she had. But he knew that he would never tell her what had really happened. He told her the version that would be the easiest for her, and everyone else, to digest. He wouldn't confess that he had been back in that box. It was more than a flashback; it was like he had gone back in time. And what was worse, this wasn't the first time that it had happened. In the months since his ordeal, he had often found himself back in those moments. Sometimes it was like today, when he could experience the physical sensation of being trapped in the box. Other times it was far deeper and he was back in an emotional place that he feared to go. There were moments when he was back at that instant when he had placed the gun under his chin, ready to end it all. Though Sara would no doubt think that his reaction today was terrifying, it was far less frightening than when he was there with the gun in his hand. He knew he would never tell her any of this. He could only try and assuage he fears. He would tell her that this was a one-time occurrence and of course nothing like this had happened before. He would blame it on lack of sleep and being busy with work. He would have blamed it on a case but he had already used that excuse on both Warrick and Greg. He mentally noted that he needed to come up with some more excuses to have at the ready in the event that this happened again, which it inevitably would.

She was still staring at him, wanting to say more, but not sure what words to use. He couldn't handle an interrogation, so he pushed himself up out of the mud and rose to his feet. He extended a hand to her and helped her up.

"Come on. I think the rain's starting to let up. We're probably safe to head back to the lab now."

She pursed her lips and started to say something, but stopped herself before the words escaped. Instead she nodded and together they made their way back up the incline to the car. Once they reached the passenger door, they stopped to look at one another. Both were soaked to the bone and splattered with mud. The guys at the lab were going to have a field day with this. Nick climbed into the passenger side and before he shut his door, Sara spoke.

"Are you okay Nick?"

"I'm fine" he lied. "Just a little embarrassed."

She shook her head slightly. "Nothing to be embarrassed about. The same thing wouldn't have happened to any one of us"

But it didn't happen to any of you! It happened to me! "Thanks Sara".

As she walked around to the driver's side, he didn't hear here worry out loud.

"What aren't you telling me Nicky?"