DISCLAIMER: If you honestly think I own MASH then you seriously need to consult Sidney for some therapy...

Okay this story just popped into my head at 12:30 this morning so I decided to write it down.I personally think it's quite good but I'll let you good people be the judge of that...that means review please lol!

And about my other story 'Why they Became Doctors'...do not worry I am still working on that but the updates may take a while...Colonel Potter is a bitch to write about lol.

Just a few WARNINGS for you people with weak constitutions:

There is one serious swear word in here. I'll give you a hint; it starts with an 'f' lol.

There are mentions of slash and suicide. Slash being the norm for me but this is the first time I've written about suicide.

Okay with those things out of the way I'll shut up and let you read.

Am I destined to be lonely for the rest of my life? Okay sure I flirted with practically every woman at the 4077th but that wasn't anything serious. It was just…sport I guess. The only one I ever truly loved (apart from Carlye) was Trapper John McIntyre. As a joke I called him 'Big John' when we were making love once and I got the biggest of laughs from him. God, that laugh…so light and happy and free. It makes me shudder with pleasure whenever I think of him. But naturally what we had together was just a fling to Trapper and he went home to Louise. Christ I hate that woman…ha, I've never even met her.

Then BJ arrived. Well what can I say? I fell for him as well but being the devoted family man that he is Beej and I never got up to anything that Trapper and I had. That just made me miss Trap even more…the treacherous bastard.

The war's been over for five years now. Trapper and Louise have a son aptly named Henry. BJ and Peg have twins one of whom is named after yours truly. I should be flattered but jealousy can cloud a person's judgement.

I got the shock of my life when I was invited to Charles and Margaret's wedding! My God, who would have thought that those two could make a life together? Last I heard Margaret was pregnant with their first child.

Klinger and Soon Lee moved back to the states last year…I haven't heard from them since their daughter May was born.

As for Radar, he married and he and his wife Nancy are planning on having kids soon according to the last letter I received from the former corporal.

Damn it, even Frank remarried after Louise divorced him in '55.

And what about me you ask? Well I have spent the last five years getting therapy for that little bus incident. Its working I guess…I'm not afraid of kids anymore but those nightmares can be horrific.

When I'm not in therapy I'm working at the clinic with my father thinking about Trapper. Five fucking years and with every passing day I still seem to want him more and more…so much that it hurts!

I haven't had a date in three years and the last woman I kissed was my aunt Harriet. I'm 38 years old and I should be married with 15 kids (I'm half-Italian, we love big families).

Ending it all seems a bit drastic but I can't think of another way to ease the pain. So I sit here in my room holding the razor which separates life from death. All it would take is for me just to slice it deep into the artery and I'd be dead in about 15 minutes from blood loss. Just one quick swipe…come on Hawk!

But I can't do it. I drop the razor bitterly as my eyes burn with years of unshed tears.

I'm just going to have to go on living another day.

END

I would love to know what you all think so please click that little purple button and review this for me please?

And btw...if you have the time could you please leave a review for my story entitled 'I've got A Secret'? I know this sounds really desperate but it doesn't have one and I'd love to get feedback on it. ;-)