there is more angst in this one than a mountain of Subaru drabbles. it just kinda happened... SPOILERS for ep 25 and beyond. lyrics are from "Accidentally like a Martyr" by Warren Zevon. -fireun

"The phone don't ring
And the sun refused to shine
Never thought I'd have to pay so dearly
For what was already mine
For such a long, long time
We made mad love
Shadow love
Random love
And abandoned love
Accidentally like a martyr
The hurt gets worse and the heart gets harder..."

It really wasn't fair. Upon closer inspection, few things in the world were, but this really took the cake. There was something so blatantly wrong with it all… Roy sat in his chair, lifted a pen to try and get some work done, and paused expectantly.

Then remembered.

With a quiet snarl he set upon his paperwork with the intensity of a being possessed.

'Yo! Roy!'

More haunted than possessed, but the symptoms were close to the same. Page finished, signature firmly in place, he glared at the phone, daring it to break the moody silence. The phone didn't cooperate.

'Have you seen this one yet? I think it is the cutest!'

"Hawkeye!" He shouted, the shuffling of papers not enough to take the oppressiveness out of the silence. It was just so different… The blonde woman entered, a spark of concern in her eyes as she saluted. "I am done with these. Take them back to whomever decided I needed to read them."

"Sir." Hawkeye paused, clearly attempting to set thoughts to order before speaking, never a good sign when it was someone usually so secure in speaking their mind. "Roy. Might it be a good idea for you to take a day or so off, considering the circumstances?"

"The circumstances didn't think include someone to do my work for me." Roy fidgeted, something so uncharacteristic he actually noticed his own twitchy tapping of the desk, scowled at his own hand, and very pointedly picked up a pen. "I'm sure there is at least a mountain or three more of paperwork to get done, files to go through…"

"Excuse me for being inappropriate, but cut the crap, sir." Hawkeye snatched the paperwork from his desk, upset. "Go have a drink or something. Take Havoc with you. It is not like he gets any work done around here anyway."

'Roy- it's past noon already. Time for a good brandy before your first lieutenant figures out where we have wandered off to?'

"But I haven't gotten a call yet." He whispered, casting an almost wistful glance at the silent phone.

"Sir, you hate paperwork. Skip out, go get a drink, go on a date, do something. I will do the usual and get the work done here." Her voice was so soft, but thankfully lacking in anything resembling pity. He couldn't have stood pity. Her cajoling eventually got him to stand, gather up his coat and gloves, and wander out of the office.

It was decidedly odd to be skipping out of work without his partner in crime. He knew Havoc was following, knew the man was acting more as a babysitter than anything else, but he didn't have the energy to be offended. In a fit of childish irritation, he decided to bore the other man into leaving him alone.

Habit directed him to the usual watering hole, to the familiar booth, complete with a couple of knife scars inflicted on the unsuspecting table over the years by a Maes in varying states of inebriation.

'Heh, Roy, watch this!'

He ordered two brandies, and hunkered down to drink his with the single-minded determination of the depressed.

Sometime after his sixth (or was it ninth?) drink, Havoc hauled him to his feet and led him out, the brandy that had sat opposite him remaining as untouched as when it had been ordered. Which made sense really, as the person who it had been ordered for had neglected to show up.

"The days slide by
Should have done, should have done, we all sigh
Never thought I'd ever be so lonely
After such a long, long time
Time out of mind
We made mad love
Shadow love
Random love
And abandoned love
Accidentally like a martyr
The hurt gets worse and the heart gets harder"

He protested most churlishly as Havoc casually manhandled him into his apartment, and then into bed. It took Havoc a try or three to get him to stay curled atop the mattress, but when finally convinced he would stay put, Havoc left.

'You don't have to go to work now do you? I am sure being late once or thrice wont affect your promotions.'

He really should be at the office. Who did Hawkeye think she was, sending him away like that? And why the hell was there a monologue running in his head, in the most drearily inane joy ever? Maes never did know when to shut up.

Maes.

The unpleasantness that had been churning like worms in his gut all day, twisting like the finer bits of insanity through his head, finally had a name, and the grief that was associated with it. He chocked a sob, smothering his face in pillows, searching desperately for a hint of cologne, ignoring the reality that Maes had not slept beside him in years, not since meeting the woman he would eventually marry. A puppy desperate for a familiar scent, he hauled blankets and pillows tightly against him, weeping.

'Shit happens, Roy. People die, and it is up to the people left alive to deal with taking care of each other. It's the best we can do.'

He could almost feel strong arms tight around him, comforting him in his grief as they had so many times before. A voice of reason in a world that rarely made any sort of sense soothed him to silence, and finally sleep, no matter that the voice was completely in his head.

They had only buried Maes yesterday, and already there was an eerie sort of detachment hovering between Roy's mind and the outer workings of the world in general.

a/n - would you believe i never intended this to be more than a one shot? -looks at the growing number of ficlets. i am glad you guys enjoy reading! see what feedback does! it makes me write more! wheee!