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Chapter Nine

"Well?" Eric asked as Bridget hopped back into the car. She smiled at him, quickly buckling her seatbelt and leaning back in her seat.

"Well, she was surprised," Bridget admitted as Eric fired up the engine. He nodded knowingly, slowly pulling out of the parking lot and onto the main street. After a moment or two had elapsed, Bridget turned back to Eric. "She was really happy for me—for us. She wished us the best."

"Park mommy!" Julie screamed from the backseat, tossing a teddy bear towards the front. Bridget turned back, lunging towards her daughter with a playful expression on her face.

"That's right Jules; we're all going to go to the park!" Bridget assured the child, gently tickling Julie's sides. Julie squirmed in her carseat, laughter overtaking her tiny body. Thank god she can't remember, Bridget thought with a pang of distress shooting through her chest. Thank god she doesn't know how much I resented her. It just about broke Bridget's heart to remember what Julie used to be to her. She had been a pain, a bother, an annoyance. Bridget had seen her as a restraint, not something to be loved. All through her recovery Bridget had asked the same question, over and over again; will Julie remember how I've treated her? Will my daughter remember how awful I've been? Time and time again Dr. Land had tried to convince Bridget that Julie was too young to retain any lasting impressions. Bridget had found it hard to believe. I've lived with the kid for over a year and she doesn't have any impression of me? Bridget had remained unconvinced.

"Bus!" Julie yelled suddenly, pointing excitedly out the window at the large yellow school bus that had pulled up alongside the car. Bridget nodded at Julie with excitement. She's so smart! Bridget thought to herself in wonderment. When did she change from that squirming bundle to a real human being? Bridget sighed as another pang of sadness washed through her.

"I missed it," Bridget mumbled sadly, turning to face forward. Eric looked at her curiously, trying to keep up.

"Missed what?" Eric asked, glancing distractedly from Bridget to the road. She dropped her head to her lap.

"I missed Julie; I missed her changing and everything. I missed her first word, her first steps, her first solid food. I missed everything!" Bridget whined. Eric looked at Bridget sympathetically, reaching out to put a comforting hand on her knee.

"Oh Bee, you can't blame yourself for that. You were sick; you didn't know what you were missing out on!" Eric assured her, squeezing her knee. She nodded sadly. I guess, she thought pitifully but it didn't make the feeling go away.

"I just—I feel so horrible about it. She's my daughter, how could I have missed out on everything?" Bridget asked, reaching back to stroke Julie's leg. Julie laughed, grabbing at her mother's hand. Eric nodded.

"I understand how you feel Bee, but Julie will understand. Plus," Eric continued, moving his hand from Bridget's knee to her slightly-burgeoning stomach, "You're going to be right there for everything that this one does." Bridget smiled, her hand fluttering instinctively to her abdomen.

"I guess, I just wish that I had felt the same way with Jules," Bridget admitted.

When Bridget had first learned of her second pregnancy she had been terrified. What if this is just like with Julie? Bridget had wondered. The thought had kept her awake for days on end. Bridget had been an emotional wreck. She had literally been inconsolable until one night a few weeks into her pregnancy. She had woken up in a fervor and had gotten up and stormed into the nursery. Julie was sleeping snugly in her crib and in Bridget's eyes she had never looked so beautiful. Bridget had just leaned down to caress Julie's back when she felt it. It was the softest flutter, like guppies swimming around in her stomach. It was so small but Bridget had been ecstatic. It had filled her with instant warmth, like a physical assurance that everything would be all right. When Eric had woken up he had told her that it was impossible to feel the movement at such an early stage in the pregnancy but Bridget was adamant. She knew that she had felt something and nothing could change her mind.

"Bee, are you there? We're here." Bridget was yanked from her reverie by Eric's hand softly shaking her shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm here, I'm awake," Bridget said, hastening to undo her seatbelt. She climbed from the car and walked over to where Eric and Julie were standing. She reached down, catching Julie's tiny hand in her own. It's sticky, Bridget thought, suddenly remembering the jelly doughnut that Eric had given her before Bridget's appointment. Bridget knew that before she would have pulled away in disgust but now she found herself actually—enjoying it. She had to admit that she loved the feeling of her daughter's hand in hers, sticking to it like it was supposed to. It feels…safe, Bridget thought to herself with a smile, like I'm actually a mother to her.

"Come on you two, there's a swing open over here!" Eric called, jogging over to the old swing set across the park. Bridget smiled and swung Julie into her arms.

"We're coming!" Bridget called, laughing as Julie clung onto her hair. Julie squealed excitedly as Bridget lowered her into the swing seat.

"Go! Go!" Julie yelled, her face contorted with laughter. Eric and Bridget smiled in unison at her enthusiasm, each taking a side of the swing. Eric stood behind, gently pushing and Bridget stood in the front with open arms; ready to catch her daughter. This is it, Bridget thought to herself, this is what being a mother is all about.