Chapter 13 – Things Go Ka-Blooey
As we made our way up the front steps of the huge porch, I noticed two things. The front door was open slightly and there were no flies buzzing around. The lack of flies was a good sign that we weren't about to walk into a mini-Jonestown. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding and took a good look at the front of the colonial-style mansion. Was it right to think of the style as colonial, since this was technically the colonial era? I couldn't ask Norrington and probably Diesel would make fun of me for asking. I gave myself a mental head slap and turned my attention to the door. The door was massive, ornately carved, setting off a white- washed exterior. Judging by the harshness of the sun, they probably white- washed the house once every three months.
The shade of the porch wasn't really that much cooler than the sun, thanks to the humidity, but at least it was a little bit cooler.
Norrington drew his sword and looked at me. "You should stay here."
"Like hell. Give me your gun and a handkerchief, if you've got one."
"That's rather foul language for a lady," Norrington said, reaching into his pocket and handing me his handkerchief. "You may have this, but I cannot – no, I will not – give you a gun."
I suddenly realized that of the two of us, I was the one with more experience with what we were probably about to walk into. "Look, Noose --- "
"Would you please just call me James? It was amusing while it vexed Sparrow, but as I've spent the past two hours listening to you pepper me with that name, I must admit, I find it rather irritating." He moved closer and stared down at me. "Very well, Miss Plum, you may attempt to persuade me to give you my gun. After you explain why you need my handkerchief, since you do not seem to be using it."
I took his left hand, since his right had the sword in it and turned it palm side up. "Fingerprints. No two people have the same fingerprints. In about a hundred and fifty years, somebody is going to figure that out and it's going to become all the rage in tracking criminals. The hankie is going to help me not to disturb whatever crime scene we're about to walk into. Even if you can't use what we find, I can send Diesel back here to gather up evidence."
Norrington looked down at his left hand as if he'd never seen it before. "That's...incredible."
"Great. Now give me the gun."
He handed it to me wordlessly.
I tried to crouch down in the dress and ended up falling on my ass. Norrington took my arm and yanked me back up to my feet. "Do me a favor. Use that sword and make a slit on the side of this skirt so I can move and don't lecture me about proper and improper or I'll tell you things about the future that will turn your face red permanently."
"You are an uncommon woman, Miss Plu –"
"Stephanie. My name is Stephanie. You can call me Steph, if you want, but the 'Miss Plum' thing is getting old fast." Great. We were now James and Stephanie and Sparrow was going to have a cow. Also, we were making way too much noise, but then again, it was broad daylight and the place seemed to be deserted.
With a sigh, Norrington make a small, two-inch slit. I rolled my eyes and pointed and he did it right the second time.
I crouched again, gripping the gun in both hands and used it to nudge the door open, while staying out of the line of fire. Nothing. I kneeled down and looked for trip wires. Years of watching action movies were paying off. "Okay, it's safe. I think."
"That's very reassuring." He stepped boldly through the front door, sword drawn and stopped abruptly so I crashed into his back. "Dear lord."
I pushed past him and saw what stopped him in his tracks. The great entranceway had a shiny white marble floor that probably cost a small fortune in the 17th Century. Hell, marble floors cost a small fortune in the 21st Century. But that wasn't what stopped Norrington in his tracks. It was the giant burn mark in the middle of the floor, left like a calling card.
"Lightning," Norrington whispered. "Lightning. Inside the house."
Suddenly, the hair on the back of my neck stood up and it wasn't from a premonition. "We've gotta get out of here. Now."
"Why?"
"It's a trap. Run! And for God's sake don't run under any trees."
We ran out of the house as fast as our feet could carry us, which meant even with the slit, I was gasping and puffing behind Norrington.
Zzzzzzaaaaappppp!
A bolt of lightning hit the ground in front of us.
"But...there's not a cloud in the sky..." Norrington's eyes were wide. "Miss Plum –"
"Later. I'll explain later." I pulled him down as another bolt of lightning sizzled over us and a cackling laugh echoed as the bolt of lightning hit the fence that Sophie was tethered to. She took off as fast as her hooves could carry her.
The smell of ozone was strong as I looked around. We were screwed. The house was surrounded by open fields with no shelter except trees. I was sort of grounded, thanks to the Vibram soles of my boots, but I wasn't about to take a direct hit of lightning to find out how much they could handle.
"Steeeeeeepppphhhhanieeeeeee! I'm going to kill you, Stephanie!" Junior's voice was high and squeaky but that didn't stop it from scaring the crap out of me. "I'm going to kill Diesel and your crazy grandmother and your dog, too!"
"That's nice, but the dog is Morelli's. I have a hamster."
"The hamster is dead, too."
Me and my big mouth.
Norrington got to his feet. "Come out and face me."
Zzzzzzzzzzaaappppfffffffffff.
I pulled Norrington back down just in time. "Are you crazy or just stupid, waving a sword around all that lightning? Oh wait, you guys didn't discover electricity yet."
He pushed me down and covered me with his body. "Have you a better idea?"
"Hiding. For years, maybe."
"I don't hide."
"I prefer not to, but since I don't know if I can invent lightning rods and assault rifles, I may have to."
"If we survive, Miss Plum, we are going to have a very long talk about what full cooperation means." He gave me a long, meaningful look. "I would prefer not to show you His Majesty's hospitality to get a full explanation."
"Does this mean I can't call you James?"
Later, if I survived, I would have to tell Sparrow about the first time I saw Norrington roll his eyes.
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Norrington rolled off of me. "He seems to have stopped."
I sniffed and didn't smell ozone. The hair on the back of my neck wasn't standing up anymore. "I think he's gone."
"Do you? Do you really?"
"Sarcasm really doesn't go with the uniform, Noose."
We both stood up and dusted ourselves off. Norrington was staring daggers at me. "James. You will call me James or Commodore or even Norrington, but do not call me Noose."
I shrugged and looked around. There were a few small fires and some new lightning burns. "Does this mean we're not friends anymore?"
"It means you deserve a rather sound thrashing," he told me. "I will leave that to Sparrow to mete out. I doubt he will be pleased to hear about this morning's events. I intend to spare no detail."
"Sparrow wouldn't –"
"He is a pirate, Miss Plum," Norrington told me, primly. "And not above raising his hand to a woman. On the other hand, I might choose not to tell him anything if you explain what happened. With no omissions."
My left eye started to twitch. "You're blackmailing me? "
"Think of it not so much as blackmail, but a way to entertain me during the two hours it will take us to walk back to town." He cocked his head at me. "Your eye is twitching."
I slapped my hand over it and looked back at the house. At least the house didn't blow up. I suddenly got a sick feeling in my stomach. "Oh crap. Run! Don't even look back!"
"Again?" Norrington stared at me for a beat, threw me over his shoulder and took off. We just made it past the front gate when the house blew into smithereens.
So much for preserving the crime scene.
Norrington dropped me and covered me with his body again. When the debris finally stopped falling he levered himself up and looked down at me. "Ka- blooey?"
"Ka-blooey," I agreed.
"You don't seem at all surprised."
"Things happen."
"And these things just happen to explode."
"Sometimes."
Norrington closed his eyes. If he'd been my mother, he would have made the sign of the cross. When he opened his eyes, he informed me gravely, "You, Miss Plum, are a menace."
I had to agree. Everyone said so, so maybe it was true. "I guess I am."
"And it isn't even noon," Norrington sighed.
As we made our way up the front steps of the huge porch, I noticed two things. The front door was open slightly and there were no flies buzzing around. The lack of flies was a good sign that we weren't about to walk into a mini-Jonestown. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding and took a good look at the front of the colonial-style mansion. Was it right to think of the style as colonial, since this was technically the colonial era? I couldn't ask Norrington and probably Diesel would make fun of me for asking. I gave myself a mental head slap and turned my attention to the door. The door was massive, ornately carved, setting off a white- washed exterior. Judging by the harshness of the sun, they probably white- washed the house once every three months.
The shade of the porch wasn't really that much cooler than the sun, thanks to the humidity, but at least it was a little bit cooler.
Norrington drew his sword and looked at me. "You should stay here."
"Like hell. Give me your gun and a handkerchief, if you've got one."
"That's rather foul language for a lady," Norrington said, reaching into his pocket and handing me his handkerchief. "You may have this, but I cannot – no, I will not – give you a gun."
I suddenly realized that of the two of us, I was the one with more experience with what we were probably about to walk into. "Look, Noose --- "
"Would you please just call me James? It was amusing while it vexed Sparrow, but as I've spent the past two hours listening to you pepper me with that name, I must admit, I find it rather irritating." He moved closer and stared down at me. "Very well, Miss Plum, you may attempt to persuade me to give you my gun. After you explain why you need my handkerchief, since you do not seem to be using it."
I took his left hand, since his right had the sword in it and turned it palm side up. "Fingerprints. No two people have the same fingerprints. In about a hundred and fifty years, somebody is going to figure that out and it's going to become all the rage in tracking criminals. The hankie is going to help me not to disturb whatever crime scene we're about to walk into. Even if you can't use what we find, I can send Diesel back here to gather up evidence."
Norrington looked down at his left hand as if he'd never seen it before. "That's...incredible."
"Great. Now give me the gun."
He handed it to me wordlessly.
I tried to crouch down in the dress and ended up falling on my ass. Norrington took my arm and yanked me back up to my feet. "Do me a favor. Use that sword and make a slit on the side of this skirt so I can move and don't lecture me about proper and improper or I'll tell you things about the future that will turn your face red permanently."
"You are an uncommon woman, Miss Plu –"
"Stephanie. My name is Stephanie. You can call me Steph, if you want, but the 'Miss Plum' thing is getting old fast." Great. We were now James and Stephanie and Sparrow was going to have a cow. Also, we were making way too much noise, but then again, it was broad daylight and the place seemed to be deserted.
With a sigh, Norrington make a small, two-inch slit. I rolled my eyes and pointed and he did it right the second time.
I crouched again, gripping the gun in both hands and used it to nudge the door open, while staying out of the line of fire. Nothing. I kneeled down and looked for trip wires. Years of watching action movies were paying off. "Okay, it's safe. I think."
"That's very reassuring." He stepped boldly through the front door, sword drawn and stopped abruptly so I crashed into his back. "Dear lord."
I pushed past him and saw what stopped him in his tracks. The great entranceway had a shiny white marble floor that probably cost a small fortune in the 17th Century. Hell, marble floors cost a small fortune in the 21st Century. But that wasn't what stopped Norrington in his tracks. It was the giant burn mark in the middle of the floor, left like a calling card.
"Lightning," Norrington whispered. "Lightning. Inside the house."
Suddenly, the hair on the back of my neck stood up and it wasn't from a premonition. "We've gotta get out of here. Now."
"Why?"
"It's a trap. Run! And for God's sake don't run under any trees."
We ran out of the house as fast as our feet could carry us, which meant even with the slit, I was gasping and puffing behind Norrington.
Zzzzzzaaaaappppp!
A bolt of lightning hit the ground in front of us.
"But...there's not a cloud in the sky..." Norrington's eyes were wide. "Miss Plum –"
"Later. I'll explain later." I pulled him down as another bolt of lightning sizzled over us and a cackling laugh echoed as the bolt of lightning hit the fence that Sophie was tethered to. She took off as fast as her hooves could carry her.
The smell of ozone was strong as I looked around. We were screwed. The house was surrounded by open fields with no shelter except trees. I was sort of grounded, thanks to the Vibram soles of my boots, but I wasn't about to take a direct hit of lightning to find out how much they could handle.
"Steeeeeeepppphhhhanieeeeeee! I'm going to kill you, Stephanie!" Junior's voice was high and squeaky but that didn't stop it from scaring the crap out of me. "I'm going to kill Diesel and your crazy grandmother and your dog, too!"
"That's nice, but the dog is Morelli's. I have a hamster."
"The hamster is dead, too."
Me and my big mouth.
Norrington got to his feet. "Come out and face me."
Zzzzzzzzzzaaappppfffffffffff.
I pulled Norrington back down just in time. "Are you crazy or just stupid, waving a sword around all that lightning? Oh wait, you guys didn't discover electricity yet."
He pushed me down and covered me with his body. "Have you a better idea?"
"Hiding. For years, maybe."
"I don't hide."
"I prefer not to, but since I don't know if I can invent lightning rods and assault rifles, I may have to."
"If we survive, Miss Plum, we are going to have a very long talk about what full cooperation means." He gave me a long, meaningful look. "I would prefer not to show you His Majesty's hospitality to get a full explanation."
"Does this mean I can't call you James?"
Later, if I survived, I would have to tell Sparrow about the first time I saw Norrington roll his eyes.
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Norrington rolled off of me. "He seems to have stopped."
I sniffed and didn't smell ozone. The hair on the back of my neck wasn't standing up anymore. "I think he's gone."
"Do you? Do you really?"
"Sarcasm really doesn't go with the uniform, Noose."
We both stood up and dusted ourselves off. Norrington was staring daggers at me. "James. You will call me James or Commodore or even Norrington, but do not call me Noose."
I shrugged and looked around. There were a few small fires and some new lightning burns. "Does this mean we're not friends anymore?"
"It means you deserve a rather sound thrashing," he told me. "I will leave that to Sparrow to mete out. I doubt he will be pleased to hear about this morning's events. I intend to spare no detail."
"Sparrow wouldn't –"
"He is a pirate, Miss Plum," Norrington told me, primly. "And not above raising his hand to a woman. On the other hand, I might choose not to tell him anything if you explain what happened. With no omissions."
My left eye started to twitch. "You're blackmailing me? "
"Think of it not so much as blackmail, but a way to entertain me during the two hours it will take us to walk back to town." He cocked his head at me. "Your eye is twitching."
I slapped my hand over it and looked back at the house. At least the house didn't blow up. I suddenly got a sick feeling in my stomach. "Oh crap. Run! Don't even look back!"
"Again?" Norrington stared at me for a beat, threw me over his shoulder and took off. We just made it past the front gate when the house blew into smithereens.
So much for preserving the crime scene.
Norrington dropped me and covered me with his body again. When the debris finally stopped falling he levered himself up and looked down at me. "Ka- blooey?"
"Ka-blooey," I agreed.
"You don't seem at all surprised."
"Things happen."
"And these things just happen to explode."
"Sometimes."
Norrington closed his eyes. If he'd been my mother, he would have made the sign of the cross. When he opened his eyes, he informed me gravely, "You, Miss Plum, are a menace."
I had to agree. Everyone said so, so maybe it was true. "I guess I am."
"And it isn't even noon," Norrington sighed.