English is not my native language and I'm still looking for a beta reader, so if there are spelling or grammar mistakes… I'm sorry! But if you want to apply for the job as my beta reader… Be my guest!

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own the characters of "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman"… One Beth Sullivan does… But I do own the character of Jonas "John" Kerrigan!

Rating: I don't know anything about these ratings, but let's say T or PG-13. Just to be safe...

Warnings: This is NOT a very happy story! So, don't like… don't read... This story is the sequel to "Past Fears". If you haven't read that story I suggest you do that first. Otherwise this story won't make a lot of sense… I think…

Summary: Hank and Sully are traveling to Denver to make sure Zack is safe from John Kerrigan. But will Zack really be safe?

A big thank you to everyone who reviewed en read this story! My first story "Past Fears" has been read about 1800 times! Isn't that cool? Well, I think it is… Keep on reading!

Chapter 8

Damn him! Damn you, Sully! Why did he have to say these things? Why… Hank's mind was racing. His mind kept repeating Sully's words over and over again. I wonder what Zack would say if he saw you like this… I think he would be embarrassed to see his father like this… Hank practically ran through the woods as Sully's words kept hunting him. He had gotten off is horse a while ago, but he had forgotten why and most importantly, where? He had no idea where he was, however, he couldn't care less about it. He just wanted to get away from the pain he was feeling. The feeling of guilt that was hunting him. Are you feeling guilty, Hank? You think his death was your fault, don't ya? Of course it was your fault Hank! Of course it was your fault! The words cut him like a knife. His heart broke every time he heard the words in his mind.

It IS my fault! He thought as he blindly made his way through the forest. He stumbled a few times over rocks and stumps and got some cuts on his arms and face as he rushed closely by branches of trees and shrubs. He didn't seem to notice… He kept running, even when he finally made his way out of the woods. My son is dead because of me! It's my fault! It's my fault! Anger and grief were building inside of him and were desperately searching for a way out. Tears were burning in his eyes and he felt the overwhelming need to scream out his pain and anger… and especially his grief. Again he stumbled over something while he was running down a hill, but this time he fell on the ground. He tumbled off the hill; his body coming to a halt at the foot of the hill. Hank cursed as loud as he could. He got up from the floor and looked around for something he could hit or kick. He felt miserably. At this point it couldn't get any worse. He had never felt this bad in his life and he hated it. He didn't know what to do with all these feelings. How to deal with them… how to deal with the fact that his son was dead.

He felt tears running down his cheeks. It burned as the salty tears found there way into the small cuts on his face. He shook his head. Just how deep had he sunk? He used to be the toughest guy in town. No one messed with Hank Lawson, everyone knew that! And here he was, in the middle of God knows where, crying like a baby. Damn you Sully! He thought again. If Sully had just shut up… He walked away from the hill, towards something that looked like the edge of a cliff. He moved a few feet closer and then his suspicions were confirmed. Damn everyone! He walked closer to the edge… It would be so easy… He looked down to what would be a drop of at least one hundred feet. There were trees and a lot of big rocks lying around. It would be so easy to just… he was ripped out of his thoughts as he felt the ground move underneath him. He heard the sound of stones and rocks falling down. What the… Before he actually realized what was happening, the ground underneath him gave way…

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Hank, where are you? Sully thought as he searched the woods for the man in question. Sully knew he had upset the man, but it had never been his intention to hurt Hank so badly that he might kill himself. Sully shivered at the thought. Suicide wasn't like Hank. He knew Hank would never intentionally hurt himself. The man valued his life! At least, he used to… Could it be possible that the man had fallen so deep, that he had been hurt so badly, that he didn't even cared about his own life anymore? I felt that way once… Sully's mind wandered back to the time when he lost Abigail and his daughter. Yeah, I felt that way… Could it be possible that Hank felt like that right now? He needed to find Hank fast, that was for sure…

Sully followed the tracks he had found earlier, when he had found Hank's horse. He wasn't sure the tracks were Hank's but at least it was something to hold on to. The tracks were leading out of the woods and Sully had to swallow hard as he realized where the tracks were going. He knew there was a cliff at the other side of the hill. Oh no, Hank… Sully sped up his pace and almost ran up the hill. When he reached the highest point he looked around, hoping to get a glimpse of the man he was looking for. He didn't see anyone… He slowly walked down the hill, his heart beating in his throat. There were some bushes growing near the cliff, which were blocking his view a little bit. Suddenly he saw someone sitting on the ground, near the edge of the cliff…

"Hank?" Sully asked softly to the man in front of him. "Hey Sully…" Hank said quietly. He didn't look at Sully; he just kept his gaze fixed on the ground. Sully moved closer to him and sat down next to him. "Hank…" Sully started, "I wanted to say that I'm sorry… I didn't mean those things I said to ya." Hank shook his head. "Yes, ya did," Hank answered. "No," Sully continued, "It wasn't true! It wasn't your fault… "Hank sighed. "I know…" he said. Sully looked at the man next to him. He was a mess! His face was covered with cuts and judging from the blood on his shirt, there were cuts on the rest of his body as well. "Are you okay?" Sully asked concerned. Hank sighed deeply. "I honestly don't know…" he replied and for the first time he looked up and looked Sully in the eye.

They were quiet for a while. Sully just didn't know what to say to the man sitting next to him. Hank, however, just didn't feel like talking at all. Eventually Sully decided to break the silence. "Hank… just out of curiosity… were you going to jump?" Sully expected Hank to get angry, but to his surprise he laughed. It wasn't a laugh out of bitterness or grief, but just a genuine laugh. One he hadn't heard from Hank in a long time. "I was going to…" Hank said eventually. "What stopped ya?" Sully asked him. Hank laughed again softly before answering. "I was standing on the edge, I looked down and realized it would be so easy to just jump off and get it all over with… But before I knew it, the ground gave way underneath me… I knew I was going to fall and right at that very moment I realized that I didn't want to die…" Hank was quiet for a moment. He looked at Sully who was listening to him carefully. "You were right Sully," Hank continued, "I still have so much to live for… there are so many things that I still want to do… so many things that I want… I can't give it all up now… It wouldn't be right… It wouldn't be fair… not to me or to Zack… or to Elena…" Again he looked at Sully who gave him a reassuring smile.

"I know I still have a long way to go… I can't just put all this aside and go on like nothing has happened… But I'll try," Hank said softly. "Don't be afraid to ask for help once in a while, Hank" Sully said and put an arm on his shoulder. "How did you do it, Sully?" Hank asked, "Will the pain ever go away?" Sully sighed and looked away for a moment. "The pain will never go away, Hank… But it will become less… in time…" Sully answered, "And if ya ever need someone to talk to… to someone who understands what you're going through… ya know where to find me… And don't let your pride get in the way this time… Go against your nature for once…" Hank chuckled. "Damn, I hate it when people know how to figure me out…" he said with a small grin on his face. "Does that mean ya hate Elena too?" Sully asked. Hank shook his head and sighed. "I just can't figure her out… She looks at me and she knows exactly what I'm thinking… One look and she knows exactly what kind of person I am... It kind of scares me…" "Do ya love her?" Sully asked him. Hank shrugged and stood up slowly. "I don't know," he said softly, "I'm not really good at all that 'love stuff'… Myra once said to me that I don't know what love is… maybe she was right…"

Sully decided to stand up as well. "Hank," he started, "If you don't give it a try you'll never know… And what I do know is that Elena loves you…" Hank looked at Sully a little unsure. "Really?" he asked softly. "Really…" Sully answered. "I don't know if I can…" Hank started but didn't finish his sentence. Sully knew Hank loved Elena; even a blind man could see that. But he also knew that Hank was a man who didn't knew much about love, at least, that's what the man thought. It was also obvious that Hank didn't want to get hurt again. His heart had already been broken and he didn't want that to happen again any time soon. But to Sully it wasn't a reason to give up on love… especially when, for once, true love was within Hank's reach. Sully looked Hank in the eye and said: "Come with me, there's something you should see…"

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It had been a long way back to town. Hank could hardly believe the distance he had traveled. Man, I had really lost it! Though he was still grieving for his son, he did feel better. Thanks to Sully and the edge of a cliff… Hank grinned. "What's so funny?" Sully asked. "Nothin'…" Hank said, "Just feeling better." Sully smiled. "I was wondering," Sully said, "How did you save yourself up on that cliff? When the ground gave way…" "I was able to grab a big branch… Pulled myself up… I don't remember much… It all went so fast… I guess I was lucky," Hank answered. "Or maybe ya had a little 'afterlife help'…" Sully said raising his eyebrows. Hank just chuckled and shook his head.

Instead of going to town, Sully took Hank to the homestead first. "No offense Sully, but the last person I want to see right now is the posh lady doctor from Boston…" Hank said. Normally Sully would be offended but this time the remark brought a smile to Sully's face. Hank started to act like Hank again. "She ain't here Hank," Sully replied, "She's at the clinic… And no offense, but that's where we are going next… You need someone to look at these cuts… They might be infected…" Hank murmured something unintelligible, before following Sully into the homestead. "Then why are we here?" Hank asked. "Like I said, I want to show ya something," Sully said as he grabbed a big box that was standing in the corner.

"I've kept Zack's stuff for ya after… you know…" Sully started, "Most of the things are drawings, of course… I thought you would like to have it." Hank looked at the box and again he got overwhelmed by emotions. "Sully…" he said softly not knowing what to say next. Sully took one of the drawings and gave it to Hank. "This was the last drawing he made…" Sully said, "He made it the night he… the night you went out to dinner with Elena." Hank looked at the drawing and swallowed hard. It showed him and Elena. They were holding hands and they smiled at each other. It took his breath away. "Zack knew then already, Hank," Sully continued, "He could see how much you liked her… Ya know what he said to me?" Hank shook his head, but didn't say a word. "I hope we can be a family one day…" Sully said, quoting Zack's words. "I would love to have Elena as my mother… and I think she would make my father very happy… I want him to be happy…" Hank felt tears running down his cheeks again. He clenched his jaw; he didn't want to break down right now.

Sully squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. "Don't give up on love, Hank," Sully said to him. "Zack wouldn't want you to…" Hank nodded and smiled. Sully handed him a wet cloth. "Here, clean your face, we're going to see the posh lady doctor from Boston…" Hank grinned. "I bet ya never say that straight to her face," Hank teased. "No, I don't have a death wish or anything like that," Sully answered, "Besides, I've got you to say all these things to her." Hank shook his head in amusement. Sully was already making his way outside when Hank called out to him. "Sully," Sully turned around and looked at Hank. The grin had faded, but there was a soft genuine smile on his face. "Thanks…" Sully nodded at him and smiled back. Then both men went outside and got onto their horses to visit Dr. Mike.

And after that I'm going to make a start with picking up my life again… starting with a beautiful Spanish woman called Elena… The thought alone brought a smile to Hank's face…

TBC

Okay! Well, isn't that a bit better? After all the drama and tragedy a happier chapter! Hope you like it! R&R Please!