Disclaimer: These lovely characters still aren't mine; I'm just playing with them right now. David Bowie is also not mine.

Chapter Three: Setting Things Into Motion

If Monday's breakfast had been a stunning show of sham exhibitionism, Tuesday's was shaping up to be even worse. Courtesy of Sirius falling asleep on his lap, Remus hadn't been able to break free, even just to put his pajamas on, and he'd slept in his uniform, which had proven to be terribly uncomfortable. Then, this morning, Sirius hadn't been roused by any of the conventional methods…even kissing and scratching behind the ears, which were supposed to always work. Finally, with James yelling in one ear, Peter simpering in the other, and a large pile of books on the floor to tidy up before class, Remus had shoved his hand into Sirius' trousers.

That had done it. Not only had it woken Sirius up and put him in The Mood at the most inopportune time of day, but it had also put a blush on Remus' face that refused to leave. Unfortunately, Sirius found it cute and was only encouraged, and James took it as an open season to make fun of his "pet poufs." Needless to say, the morning had not started well. Spotting Regulus and Lockhart in a dark alcove wasn't exactly what Remus needed, especially when the former's older brother begged him to "be a good Prefect and turn them in." Unfortunately, there wasn't anything Remus could do. Regulus and Lockhart looked shady enough, and were in a decidedly shady corner, but Lockhart was only messing with Regulus' collar, and that was hardly worth noticing, let alone reporting to McGonagall. And Sirius' feeling around his lap while Remus was trying to have some breakfast before Defense Against the Dark Arts wasn't appreciated either.

Doom was officially sealed when Regulus came into breakfast with his fingers entwined with Gilderoy Lockhart's. Remus sighed and tried to avert his eyes, but those two still came over to the Gryffindor table. Bugger all, today was going to be terrible.

"Lockhart," Regulus hissed as the blonde boy pressed him up against the niche's brick wall. "Come on, they're right there."

"Sssh," Lockhart spat dangerously.

With a quick, methodical efficiency, the blonde set about doing some ridiculously long list of tasks. First, he lifted Regulus' sweater vest and shoved the loose shirttails into his trousers; when Regulus opened his mouth to protest, he was met with a fiery, silence-inducing glare, and he shut himself up obediently. He'd seen the same look from girls, Sirius, and their mother before, and he knew that pressing his luck – especially when this blonde git was going along with his scheme – would not end well. Next, Lockhart proceeded to retie his tie and straighten the collar of his shirt, and then smooth out his hair…the last time he'd been preened over this much was for the Malfoys' Christmas party. At least he wasn't wearing his stuffy dress robes this time. Merlin, he hated those dress robes. Sirius got nice, red ones, and he had to wear high-collared black things…they were itchy, uncomfortable, generally unpleasant, and he hated them.

Finally, Lockhart glared down at Regulus' feet, and Regulus shifted his gaze as well. He shrugged when he got an exasperated, reprimanding stare.

"Did you have to wear those?" Lockhart hissed.

"What?" Regulus huffed. "They're just trainers."

"They're filthy. No one's going to believe that you're gay if you wear filthy shoes…or look like you just rolled out of bed-"

"But I did just-"

"Shut up. Just because you did doesn't mean you have to look like it."

"But I…Lockhart-"

"Couldn't you have worn those nice, dragon-hide boots?"

"No, they're for special things."

"You'll have to make an exception then; change them at lunch."

"Sirius wears trainers and everyone thinks he's gay."

"That's because – and this may be news to you – he is. There's nothing to believe because everyone knows."

"Lupin wears trainers-"

"That's because he's dirt poor, which is why all his stuff is low-quality."

"Uhm…er…I've run out of gay guys."

"Look, Regulus. Let's make an example out of David Bowie here-"

"What's a David Bowie?"

"…He's a Muggle rock star. Clearly, this isn't going to work, so I'll just show you pictures later. Point is-"

"Is he gay?"

"Certainly looks like it. Anyway, that doesn't matter. Now, do you remember what you're going to do?"

Regulus sighed and recited, "I'm going to be charming, and intelligent. And we're going to hold hands, I will play with your hair and call you Gilly, and I won't snog you this time."

"What are you going to do instead?"

"I'm going to kiss your forehead, and maybe your lips. What are you doing while I do all this shit?"

"Me? I'm going to be the fawning, fabulous, and completely in love boyfriend. Now what's our story?"

"After I snogged you yesterday, you realized that, for the past three years, you've been madly in love with me. I'm kind of in lust, but don't mind the attention, so we're going out…hey, Lockhart? Let me ask you something."

"You already have. But anyway: what?"

"What if this doesn't work?"

"…What are you talking about? Of course it'll work!"

"I dunno…Sirius didn't seem convinced-"

"Regulus, trust me. This might take some time, but it'll work. Besides, if nothing else soothes you, the first Hogsemeade weekend is coming up soon, so-"

"Oh yeah! We get to do Hogsmeade this year! Should've remembered, it took a lot of work to get mum to sign the form-"

"I don't care. Now, come on, or Crabbe and Goyle will have eaten everything before we get any."

"…But that's not what we're worried about…"

"Did it ever occur to you that you could be affectionate and feed me? Or that sausages are served every morning and are incredibly phallic?"

"…What does that mean?"

"…I'll tell you when you're older. Now, come on, boyfriend…and don't forget to smile, or I will hex your eyebrows off."

"Right. Smile. Got it."

Regulus sighed, looked at the wall behind Lockhart, and he forced a smile onto his face. Judging by how Lockhart sighed and pulled him out of the alcove and into the corridor, and then into the Hall. Sirius, Lupin, Potter, and Pettigrew were all sitting together, as usual…and they were at the center of the Gryffindor table too. Excellent – by this time tomorrow, everyone would be talking about the torrid Black-Lockhart affair and it would be marvelous. Grinning, Regulus wrapped his fingers into Lockhart's, and felt his grin grow as Lockhart put the other, simpering hand on his wrist. Just this and he could tell: this was going to be good; the stares he got from Sirius and Lupin only affirmed this, and, with confident relish, Regulus licked his lips and strode forward, Lockhart at his side. They paused by Sirius and Lupin, and Lockhart put his hear on Regulus' shoulder…for not being gay, he sure was good at acting like it.

"Morning, Gryffindor," Lockhart sighed warmly, looking at them like they were merely a distraction.

"Regulus," Sirius groaned; Lupin put a hand on his shoulder, probably to keep him from exploding. "What in the name of Merlin's paisley pants are you doing!"

"Well, Siri," Regulus explained, adding relish with Bella's favorite nickname for Sirius (second only to "blood-traitor brat"). "Yesterday I learned something terribly interesting, and I thought you'd like to know."

"If this is about how 'gay' you are-"

"Oh, it's not. It's about how my darling Gilly here is madly in love with me."

"You're kidding, right?" Potter huffed as Pettigrew snickered, "Gilly!"

"Regulus," Lupin sighed. "Honestly, we don't care. Please leave."

"I think they're jealous, Reggie dear."

"Why would we be jealous?" Sirius spat. "I have Remus, Peter doesn't need anyone, and…well, James doesn't quite have Evans yet, but he's got his right hand, and that's just as good."

"…I will kill you, Black."

"Like to see you try, Potter."

"How cute," Lockhart simpered. "Unrequited love."

"It's not unrequited! She just hasn't come 'round yet!"

"Kind of reminds me of me, before…well…you know."

And he giggled too. And nuzzled closer to Regulus' neck…damn, Lockhart really was good at this. Almost good enough to…no, not that good. However, he was good enough to make Regulus feel lazy, and that wasn't good in an endeavor like this. Delicately, he placed a finger under Lockhart's chin, raised his head up, and – instead of snogging him madly, as Sirius' groan seemed to suggest he would – rubbed his nose to Lockhart's affectionately, ending with a light kiss on the forehead. It was an intricate procedure, one that he'd seen Sirius do for Lupin on a regular basis, and its culmination came with a light, musical, and utterly infatuated-sounding sigh from Lockhart. Moving as one, they looked back to the Gryffindors: Lupin and Sirius both looked disbelieving, but Pettigrew had cocked an eyebrow, and Potter was gaping wide-eyed.

"I can't believe third-years can get action, and I-"

"James," Pettigrew said comfortingly. "It's not like they have a lot of choice…I mean, the selection of fairy boys is them, Sirius and Remus-"

"And Snivellus," Potter added, rolling his eyes.

"Oh yeah, him too…but he's greasy and no one likes him. Besides, mate, it's not like you couldn't have someone other than Evans…"

"But I want Evans!"

"Isn't it adorable, Gilly?" Regulus sighed, looking down the table at Evans, whose head had perked up at the mention of her name. "The sweet little straight boy wants love…"

"You're not gay, Regulus," Sirius snapped. "So stop pretending or else-"

"Or else I'm going to report you, take away points, and get you into detention," Lupin sighed.

"That's what you said yesterday. Anyway, it'd hardly be right for the professors to punish us when they leave you and my brother alone. And Gilly loves me, don't you, Gilly?"

"Completely, madly, and with all my heart." He could do a sing-song voice too…oh, Merlin, this had to work.

"Except for the part where you're a fancy lad prat and he's a spineless yes-man," Sirius huffed, rolling his eyes.

"This is real! We're in love!"

"You're thirteen; you don't even know what that means!"

"Do so!"

"I'm not a yes-man!"

"And what about you? If I don't know what that means, then – AUGH!"

A perfect interruption came in the form of Professor Minerva McGonagall twisting both Regulus and Lockhart's ears, while Evans glared at them, hands on her hips. Throwing her Gryffindor red hair over one shoulder, she turned her penetrating stare to Pettigrew (who whimpered), Sirius (who raised an eyebrow like the cocky bastard he was), and, finally, to Potter (who looked on the verge of dying from joy). And McGonagall kept her fingers on Regulus and Lockhart's ears, pinching hard enough to make both of them explode in pain. Still, Regulus kept himself in reality enough that he saw Evans' clear bias towards Lupin…damn it, he didn't want to have to be a sensitive gay guy to get some attention around here; that was Lockhart's job.

"And that, boys," Evans explained haughtily. "Is how you deal with trouble-making Slytherins."

"Uh huh," Potter simpered. "Go on…"

"…That's it, Potter. It's completely simple. And, Black…younger Black and Lockhart, next time someone tells you to leave us alone and go to your own table, do it."

"Make me, Evans!" Regulus spat; in response, McGonagall twisted harder on his ear. "Merlin, professor, I got it already!"

"No, Mister Black," McGonagall said curtly. "I don't think you do."

"I do, professor!" Lockhart whined…that bloody prat was trying to skip out on getting the same amount of punishment for the same stunt. Prat. "You can let me go, honest! I've learned my lesson about bothering Gryffindors at breakfast!"

"No, Mister Lockhart, I don't believe I've made my point clear yet."

On "clear," she twisted her wrists in with enough force to turn both of their heads and garner louder shrieks. Lockhart looked about on the verge of tears, the nance. What a bloody prat…first, he tried to get out of punishment, and then he couldn't even take it with some bloody dignity. And Regulus had agreed to pretend that he was dating this thick git. In retrospect, this really seemed like a mistake, but, finally, McGonagall let up slightly and it stopped seeming like such a death sentence.

"And just to make sure," she continued, "that my point has gotten across: you two have just lost fifteen points for Slytherin-"

"Fifteen!" Regulus and Sirius both shouted.

"Fine, then. Twenty."

"Keep taking points away, professor," Sirius chuckled, grinning with a smug superiority complex that didn't suit him. "It looks terribly lovely on you."

"Mister Black the Elder," McGonagall huffed, "the only reason I'm going to tolerate that remark from you is that you obviously don't mean it." She nodded her head at Lupin, who blushed profusely. "But, if you keep taking such pleasure in your brother and Lockhart's punishment, I won't hesitate to dispense it to you as well."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Now, Mister Black the Younger and Mister Lockhart. Are you quite satisfied with losing twenty points for this shenanigan?"

"Yes, professor!" they chorused.

"Well, I'm not. I would've thought that both of you would have learned after yesterday morning – points lost and a head injury certainly seem like things that any reasonable student would have learned from – but, since you haven't, you will serve out the rest of this week's evenings in detention, with me."

"But, professor," Regulus moaned. "Malfoy's holding Quidditch practice on Thursday-"

"I don't care, Mister Black. You might be a Slytherin Chaser, but you are a Slytherin student first, and you must be treated as such." She released their ears, but quickly stood them up straight, somehow managing to glare at each boy simultaneously and keep a domineering hand on one of each boy's shoulders. "I expect you in my office at seven this evening, leave your wands in your dormitory, and, yes, Mister Black, I will check. Now…get to your own table."

"Yes, professor." they squeaked.

Without another word of protest, Lockhart took Regulus by the wrist and pulled him away to the Slytherin table. Once they were safely out of McGonagall's prying glance – and forced to face the grim reality that (gasp, shock, and horrors) Malfoy had let Crabbe and Goyle eat all the good breakfast…again – Lockhart immediately darkened. Under most circumstances, Regulus might have said something…but an annoying little voice in the back of his head distinctly told him that this was not the time. So he took to glaring up and down the table at whomever he pleased, to Hell with the consequences.

Bella came first, flanked by Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange. Bloody hell, she had terrible taste in company. Granted, Rodolphus was, unfortunately, her fiancée, and Regulus could never say this to her, for fear of having his ears hexed off like she did to Sirius once, but…the Lestrange brother were creepy, and the thought of being related to them was, if anything, worse. Malfoy wasn't that much better, smarmy little arsebasket, but at least he and Narcissa made an attractive Head Boy and Girl; this didn't say much for their mammoth bodyguards, but you couldn't be pretty if you had to guard pretty people. That was just a cruel fact of life that they came off the worse on.

And then there was Snape, who also appeared to have been shorted a breakfast. At least that git could read to distract himself from the facts that: A. Crabbe and Goyle were terrible gluttons, and B. Barty Crouch was currently sleeping on his shoulder. Lucky little prat…Snape, that was, not Crouch. Crouch had to be completely starkers to sleep on Snape…he was so greasy. Finally, everyone else got to be boring and Regulus returned his view to Lockhart. He hadn't gotten better during Regulus' distraction and was now hunched over, with his hands to his temples, mussing his hair, and threatening to bore holes through the back of the unfortunate Hufflepuff he was staring in the direction of. Cautiously, Regulus raised a finger and poked him lightly in the arm; he groaned and flopped, face-first, onto his empty place. Seeing no other solution, Regulus poured him a goblet of pumpkin juice; it went completely ignored.

"Lockhart?" Regulus ventured. "Lockhart?"

"Shut up," Lockhart snapped. "I'm thinking."

"You can think?" Crouch chuckled; apparently, he hadn't been sleeping and was now quite amused with himself. "I was under the impression that you just gave birth to hare-brained schemes at two in the morning."

"I don't stay up that late; it's bad for your skin."

"…And the Gryffindors don't believe that you're gay why?"

"Hell. If. I. Know. That's what I'm trying to figure out, Crouch! Now, I'm going back to my thinking, if you'll be so kind."

"Like I said: you can think."

"Shut up."

"He raises a good point," Snape huffed, lowering his book. "You two are rather…dense."

"Are not!" Regulus pouted. "Well…I can't vouch for Lockhart, but I'm not."

"Do you want to do this alone," Lockhart snarled. "Because I can abandon you."

"Lockhart," Snape asked simply. "Is this entire thing Black the Younger's idea?"

Lockhart raised his head and stared at Snape. "Mostly, yes."

"Ah, thank you; you've just proven my point."

"…Okay? So?"

"Merlin," Crouch sighed, sounding as exasperated as McGonagall. "Sev, I wasn't this stupid last year was I?"

"No, thank Merlin. And I certainly wasn't as a third-year…the quality of teaching these children is slipping; it's pathetic. And don't call me 'Sev.'"

"Totally…"

"We're not children!" Regulus interjected. "We're thirteen!"

"Yeah," Crouch laughed derisively. "You're still kids."

"You only just turned fourteen, prat!"

"Which makes me not a kid anymore, stupid."

"…I don't get it."

Lockhart moved his plate aside and took to hitting his forehead lightly against the table; sighing, Snape conjured a pillow. Soon enough, the poor, harmless pillow wound up in a tray of Hufflepuff eggs and Slytherin lost five more points.

"And I don't quite understand why you two insist on demeaning our House in this manner," Snape retorted, once the tumult had died down.

"…Because Lockhart wants attention and I want my mum to stop being obsessed with Sirius?" Regulus sighed; this was supposed to be obvious. Everything was obvious to Snape.

"Why isn't it working?" Lockhart groaned into the table. "What do we have to do to make them believe it?"

"You could just stop," Crouch answered simply.

"Why would we want to do that?"

"Because, Black," Snape explained curtly. "You are losing points for Slytherin, getting yourself into detention – which means you won't do your homework, which means more points lost for Slytherin – and, frankly, you're giving us a worse image than Malfoy and the Lestranges combined…and I don't know about you, but I'd rather not lose the House Cup to Gryffindor…again."

"But, I…"

"Just stop being idiots and do something productive already."

"But this is productive!"

"How?"

Regulus paused, and, for the second time in two days, he found himself speechless. And Lockhart was usually good with making up excuses and fake reasons that somehow made sense…but he was in a right state, which was just Regulus' luck. He darted his eyes around from Bella and her boys, to Lucius fawning over Narcissa, to Crabbe and Goyle being told off by some Ravenclaw Prefect for trying to steal food…damn it! Why wasn't anything giving him a good idea for an answer? Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and it was both distinctly female and not McGonagall's…and two more soon joined it. Apparently, Lockhart had a few on his shoulders, because he pricked up as well. Moving as one, they turned around and were immediately faced with a flock of third-year girls (Regulus picked out three Hufflepuffs, two Slytherins, two Ravenclaws, and a stray Gryffindor…Merlin, if this wasn't working perfectly in its imperfection…), all staring at the two of them with huge puppy-dog eyes. One of the Hufflepuffs stepped forward; she was a cute blonde with big, green eyes; Regulus had dated her last year, though her name escaped him completely.

"'scuse me," she said cautiously. "Reggie and Gilly?"

"Yes?" they answered in unison.

"…We all had…uhm…a question for you."

"Okay, shoot," Regulus sighed nonchalantly.

"Are you two really gay?"

"…Yes." Lockhart made a simpering little noise and nuzzled up close to Regulus, his blonde head on the shoulder again. "And we're very much in love."

The blonde Hufflepuff turned to the Gryffindor. "Told you."

"Can we do anything for you wonderful girls?" Regulus asked, forcing a charming Black Trademark Smile. "Help you pick out dress robes in Hogsmeade, perhaps?"

There was a collective sigh amongst all the girls – even the two Ravenclaws; Regulus hadn't believed that their kind had been capable. Bookish, sarcastic girls hadn't ever seemed the type to sigh…especially at the thought of two gay guys with smashing good looks. Still, a sigh was a sigh. One exchange of glances between himself and Lockhart gave Regulus an idea: he raised himself up, then helped Lockhart up as well, and then took both of their bags. Even though his back felt like it would give out, the girls sighs made everything worth it. Taking Lockhart's hand again, he cast a quick look at Snape.

"That's how." He grinned, with full knowledge that, courtesy of convenience, he'd won.

"…Sex and fan clubs aren't productive," Snape huffed.

"Well, I don't know about that," Crouch sighed off-handedly.

"Come on, Gilly darling…we mustn't be late for Potions."

"Of course not, Reggie my love," Lockhart whispered warmly.

And they walked out together, followed by the throng of girls. And Regulus was quite sure he heard Sirius say something to the effect of "We don't have a fan club, Moony" as they did. Maybe they'd get this scheme to work yet…it had certainly worked on the girls, which was as good a start as any.