Yay-thank you for the reviews! Please keep them coming.
I've decided to use these first two chapters as a chance to show where Kirsten is mentally from what happened. After this chapter I'll start focusing more on how she'll overcome it and the impact it's had on others.
Sandy didn't stop the nightmares. Kirsten had woken up a couple of hours later, feeling more tired than she had before the nap, after finding herself alone and trapped with Jimmy yet again. She'd woken hot, sweaty and feeling sick, throwing the sandwich left for her into a bin in her bathroom.
Kirsten walked back into her room, sinking onto her bed and letting out an exasperated sigh. Would the nightmares ever go away, or would they continually haunt her? She'd been less fearful of sleep having Sandy with her, but that had played no role in expelling the nightmares. She couldn't help but get the feeling that she was dealing with this badly. She'd had four days to deal with it now-which wasn't a lot-but she seemed to be finding things harder to deal with instead of easier as time progressed.
Lying down on Sandy's side of the bed, Kirsten's mind swam with thoughts of Jimmy and the babies. Thoughts she didn't want to think, let alone put to paper or in words. She turned, trying to force the thoughts out of her head as she did so. Kirsten glanced at Sandy's beside table, seeking a distraction, as a bag poking out of it caught her eye.
Her stomach flipped as she reached for the brightly colored bag, finding herself unwillingly reaching into it. Kirsten's hand grasped at the soft fabric, her mind clearly seeing the threaded details she ran her finger over. She pulled out the baby suit with a shaking hand, sitting up and laying it on her lap. Her fingers traced the gold colored ducks waddling across the front as she recalled how happy she and Sandy had been making that first purchase-they hadn't known back then she was having twins. She recalled how protective Seth had been of her and his unborn siblings, even though the thought of his mother falling pregnant had disgusted him.
Kirsten rest her hand on the suit, allowing tears to spring to her eyes. Her babies should have been able to wear this in just under five months. She might have been showing and perhaps even feeling her babies move by now. She should have been doing baby shopping with Sandy and organizing a room for the twins. Now, none of that would happen.
She'd never even know how her children would have looked, or if they were boys or girls. She'd never get to see them, never get to hold them, never get to smell that unique baby smell on them, never get to have them grasping at her finger with those tiny baby hands. She'd never see them take those first few tentative steps, never get to see them give her a gummy smile followed by baby babble, never get to hear them trying to say "mama", never have them run into her arms and give her a hug-it had all been taken away from her.
Kirsten clutched at the outfit and drew her knees up to her chest. It was times like these she just wanted to escape, so reality wouldn't have to haunt her. Her tears spilled over, now as tears of rage. How dare Jimmy take this away from her and Sandy? How could he possibly kill two innocent babies?
"I'm glad you're dead," Kirsten muttered vehemently through her tears. "You deserve it. Except you deserved to die a far worse way."
Kirsten's gaze darted to the bag-it looked as if there was something else in there. She pulled out the other purchase she had made that day: the book The Pregnancy Companion.
Her anger increased. She could hardly see through her tears of fury but she held on tightly to the book.
Sandy opened the door as quietly as he could, careful not to make much noise in case Kirsten was still asleep. He glanced into the room, and his heart tightened as he saw Kirsten sitting on the bed, crying, clutching at her pregnancy book.
He was about to walk towards her, to comfort her, when he saw Kirsten raise the book and fling it across the room with all her might. It hit the wall with a loud bang before dropping to the floor. Kirsten grabbed the baby suit, looking at it for a moment, before she weakly tossed it to her side and buried her head in her hands, dissolving in tears.
"Oh, baby," Sandy sighed, rushing over to Kirsten and taking her in his arms.
Kirsten leant heavily against Sandy, her body racking with sobs.
"I hate him so much," Kirsten spat out, her voice rising. "I hate him!"
Sandy continued to hold Kirsten as she cried, trying to control his own emotions at the sight of the crumpled baby suit lying beside him. How could he not hate Jimmy? The baby suit next to him and his wife's shaking body against him were only a testimony of the reasons for that hate.
"It'll be okay," Sandy promised, not knowing whether he was telling that to Kirsten or himself.
"How?" Kirsten sobbed, pulling away and looking up at Sandy. "We've lost two babies. I can't eat, I can't sleep-and when I do sleep, it's only nightmares. How can it be okay?"
Sandy looked at Kirsten's tear stained cheeks, hating to see her like this. He reached out and wiped away the two tears that had slipped out, cupping her face.
"Because we have each other," Sandy told her. "And I'll help you through this. These things are never easy but you have to give it time. You will be okay."
Sandy kissed her forehead and held Kirsten tightly, each sob shaking her slender form strengthening Sandy's belief that she had to see a therapist.
Kirsten held each girl tightly by the hand. She never should have allowed them to come grocery shopping with her. Some people may call it paranoia being so worried and uptight, but if they had Chloe and Elle as kids, they'd know it was common sense, Kirsten thought grimly. She loved them to death, but she had honestly never known such mischievous four-year-olds before. Each helped the other get into more trouble, doubling the stress for their parents.
"Now remember to stay with me," Kirsten instructed them, walking into the store and grabbing a trolley. She wasn't going to place the girls in a trolley: twin ones were hard to find and God only knew what they might get up to in there. "Don't go walking about."
"We know, Mommy," Elle confidently told her, looking up at Kirsten with her big blue eyes.
Chloe nodded solemnly in agreement, content to go along with anything Elle said.
Kirsten walked up and down the aisles, allowing the girls to help whenever she could to stop them from getting bored. Eventually the girls patience grew thin, and Kirsten quickened her pace, wanting to get them home as soon as possible. She reached the frozen section, and begun observing different types of bread as the twins looked around the shop in boredom.
"Toys!" Elle squealed in delight, Kirsten turning around just in time to see Elle's and Chloe's blonde hair disappear around a corner.
"Girls-stop!" Kirsten called out, pushing the trolley at a quick pace to catch up with them.
She turned the corner and her heart turned to ice as she saw the twins disappear out of the shop door. Disregarding her trolley, Kirsten sprinted out of the store, glancing about wildly for them.
"Elle!" Kirsten yelled. "Chloe!"
She ran about the deserted area, desperate to find her kids. Turning another corner, Kirsten stopped dead in her tracks as she saw Jimmy holding Chloe with a gun pressed to her head.
"Mommy!" Chloe cried out, as Kirsten urgently tried to get Chloe from Jimmy.
"I kept this one for a bit longer because she reminded me more of you," Jimmy told Kirsten, with a smirk at her attempts to get to Chloe.
"Please-don't hurt them!" Kirsten sobbed. "Where's Elle?"
Kirsten followed Jimmy's gaze to a distance behind them, where she saw a crumpled blonde heap.
"Oh, God," Kirsten whispered running to her. Turning Elle over, Kirsten saw a puncture wound to her head and blood. "Wake up! Baby, wake up!"
"You wanna give this one a last kiss?" Jimmy called out.
Kirsten ran over to him, trying to grab Chloe from his arms.
"Give me my baby!" Kirsten pleaded through tears, holding on tightly to Chloe's hands over her cries of "Mommy!"
"You should have chosen me," Jimmy blamed, as Kirsten struggled to take Chloe from him.
Jimmy's finger rested on the trigger and from far away, Kirsten could hear Sandy telling her, "It's okay, it's okay."
Kirsten looked, just in time to see Jimmy fire the gun.
"No!" she screamed desperately.
Kirsten jumped awake to find Sandy's arm around her.
"Sh, it's okay, honey," Sandy comforted her, giving her a kiss. "It was just a dream."
Her cheeks were wet with tears and her breathing short and fast. Kirsten rest her head against Sandy's chest, hoping to drown out the memories of the nightmare.
"Did I wake you?" Kirsten asked apologetically.
"It's fine," Sandy answered.
"I'm sorry," Kirsten told Sandy's chest. "What time is it?"
"Just after five," Sandy read from the clock. "And it doesn't matter."
Five hours sleep, Kirsten thought. She'd set herself a new record.
"Do you want to tell me about the dream?" Sandy offered.
Kirsten shook her head. She could still see the little girls from the dream, their faces haunting her. The only thing she wanted was to try and forget everything that had happened, but these damn dreams were blocking that. She heard Sandy sigh and immediately felt guilty.
"It was a pretty bad one," Kirsten stated. "I'd just prefer to forget it."
"Maybe…this could be part of the problem," Sandy suggested carefully. "Perhaps you're trying so hard to forget this that you're not expressing your feelings enough and your dreams are the only way they can be released. I don't know."
"I expressed my feelings yesterday," Kirsten said defensively, looking over at the slight dent she had made in the wall with the book.
"Yeah," Sandy agreed. "But you haven't really talked much about what happened. And I don't think you've written it down or anything like that, either."
"So you want me to tell you everything that happened?" Kirsten concluded, pulling away and looking at Sandy.
"Not quite," Sandy said slowly. "I mean, that'd be good, but I think you need to do more than that."
"You mean go to therapy," Kirsten translated.
"It was pretty traumatic what you went through," Sandy reminded her. "Anyone in your position would need to. The doctors thought it'd be a good idea… I think it'd be a good idea. Maybe I could come along with you."
Kirsten silently hopped out of bed and put on her robe, marching to the door.
"I am not going to therapy," she declared firmly, before slamming the door behind her.
Kirsten sat at the empty kitchen table, drumming a finger against her cup of coffee, coming to the realization that-yet again-Sandy was right. She might as well give in before she could do more damage to herself and others. Why wouldn't he be right? He'd been right about going to rehab and he'd been right when he'd told her the other week that she shouldn't go to work. She didn't really have anything to loose going to therapy, either: it wasn't as if things could get much worse.
It was just the thought of sitting in front of a complete stranger and spilling her heart out to them that bothered Kirsten. Those feelings had been reserved for her diary when she was younger, and now they were reserved for Sandy. How could she face admitting things to a stranger that she'd often have trouble admitting to herself?
The sound of footsteps padding towards the kitchen broke Kirsten's train of thoughts and she looked up to see Sandy enter and cast a weary glance towards her.
"I'll go," Kirsten surrendered quietly.
Sandy's face filled with relief and he sat in the chair next to hers, taking Kirsten's hand in his.
"Thank you," Sandy told her gratefully. "I hate seeing you like this."
"I'm scared," Kirsten said simply, in what struck Sandy as a somewhat childish way. "Do you think it will help?"
"I know it will," Sandy assured her, giving her a kiss. "I'm proud of you."
"I don't think things can get much worse," Kirsten commented.
"Like I said: I promise you it will only get better from now on," Sandy vowed.
Please keep on reviewing and give me any suggestions or whatever if you think the story's not that good.