Chapter Two--It's probably as horrible as the first bit.
As Kyo suspected, things started to change. Nothing big changed, at first, but eventually it didn't seem like they were the same band. Shinya didn't complain at all, Die stopped much of his joking, they just worked when they were together. Without the jokes, they were boring, and bored with each other.
Die had stopped talking to all of them but Kaoru, and talked to him far less. They all noticed that something was terribly wrong with him, but none of them knew how to approach the problem. Die had always been tough, nothing really getting to him. But now—he seemed depressed all the time, and every insignificant remark seemed to affect him negatively.
Shinya, on the other hand, was flourishing. He, too, had stopped talking to most of his bandmates, but it was because he was so busy. He had started going out, determined to make more friends and be happier. He still spoke to Toshiya, but only usually to ask to borrow clothes.
One morning, Shinya didn't show up for practice. "Have you talked to him?" Kaoru asked Toshiya after an hour with no Shinya. "Did he say he was going to miss today?"
Toshiya shook his head. "I haven't talked to him for a few days. He's been so busy…"
Kaoru looked at Die. "You know where he lives, right?" he asked, and Die nodded. "Can you go see if he's home?"
Die sighed heavily. "If you want me to," he said quietly.
Kaoru put his hand under Die's chin, making his friend look him in the eyes. "You look so sad," he said quietly.
Die glanced at Kyo and Toshiya, who were trying to look busy. He looked back at Kaoru and shrugged, sighing again. "I guess I am sad," he replied. He managed a weak smile. "But I'll be fine."
Kaoru watched as he left, frowning deeply. "You okay?" Toshiya asked him, wrapping his arms around Kaoru.
Kaoru nodded. "We need to find out what's troubling Die," he told the two of them. "And then we need to find out why Shinya's too busy for us these days."
Die walked up to Shinya's door, holding back tears. He didn't want to have to talk to Shinya. Shinya was different, and didn't have time for his old friends, especially Die. Deep breaths, Die told himself. Shinya will like you even less if he thinks you're a crybaby. He knocked on the door timidly, biting his lip nearly hard enough to draw blood.
"Hey," Shinya said, opening the door. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
Die looked at the floor, not at Shinya. "You're late, so Kaoru sent me to get you," he said quietly.
Shinya rubbed his head, smiling at Die sleepily. "I overslept. I'm a bit hungover, you know how it is." Die nodded, grunting an unintelligible response. "Want to come in?" he asked, and Die nodded, following him into the house.
Die stood in the living room uncomfortably, staring at the floor. Usually he would have been looking around curiously, wanting to see what Shinya's apartment was like. Now, however, he didn't have the heart to look around.
"Do you want a drink?" Shinya asked as he disappeared into a bedroom to change. He stuck his head out of the door. "There's some beer in the refrigerator."
"It's eleven in the morning," Die replied quietly.
Shinya shrugged, walking out fully dressed and getting a beer. "Why not start early?" he asked, drinking half of it in what seemed to be one gulp.
"We should go," Die told him.
"What's wrong with you?" Shinya asked, laughing. "You're so boring lately."
Die looked up at Shinya, hurt. "I'm sorry I'm not interesting enough for you," he said, turning to leave.
Shinya grabbed his arm, stopping him. "No, Die, I didn't mean to insult you. Really, I didn't."
Die's eyes met Shinya's, and he could tell that his friend was sorry. Ignoring the emotion, Die pulled away from Shinya. "Well, you shouldn't have said it, then." He walked out of the apartment, leaving Shinya to scramble after him.
"Can I ask you something?" Toshiya asked Kaoru that night in Kaoru's apartment.
"What?" Kaoru asked, wrapping his arms even tighter around his lover.
"What do you think we should do about Die and Shinya?"
"What do you mean? We need to find a way to make Die happier, that's for certain, but what's wrong with Shinya?"
"I don't think he's very happy. I know he says he is and everything, but it's Shinya. He always hated going out before, why would he be happy now?"
"What if he discovered a love for clubs he didn't know about?" Kaoru asked, closing his eyes. "Maybe he really is happy. Maybe you're just upset because he doesn't need you to take care of him anymore."
Toshiya smiled. "That's not why I'm upset. I have you to take care of now. But I know my Shin-chan, and he hates clubs. He's just trying to be happy, so we don't have to take care of him, I know it. Besides, there's no way he's happy. There is one important thing missing from his life, that he'll never be happy without."
"What's that?"
"Die. Before he was happy because he got to see Die, he got to talk to him, and Die was happy. Now, he never sees any of us, and Die isn't happy."
"Toshiya, you're such a woman."
Toshiya thrust his elbow back, making Kaoru gasp for air. "Don't insult me."
"It wasn't an insult, it was a compliment. You're so sweet and caring, so nurturing. You take care of everyone, especially Shinya."
Shinya frowned at the phone. He didn't want to have to call Die. He had tried everyone, even Kyo, but no one was home, and Shinya needed a ride. He contemplated driving himself, but he could hardly walk in a straight line, he didn't want to imagine how absolutely terrible his driving would be. He dialed the number, half hoping that Die wouldn't answer and Shinya would be forced to either walk or drive himself.
"Moshi moshi," Die said, his voice groggy with sleep.
"Hello, Die," Shinya said, his words slurred. "Can you do me a favor?"
"Where are you?" Die asked, knowing what the favor was. "I'll be there in ten minutes."
When Die pulled up to the bar, he saw Shinya leaning against the wall, half asleep. He got out of the car, in a somewhat bad mood from being woken up in the middle of the night. "Come on, Shinya. Let's get you home," he said, shoving him into the car.
When he reached Shinya's apartment, Die picked Shinya up, easily carrying him to the door. He found the drummer's keys and opened the door, stumbling in the dark. He carried Shinya to the bed room and groped the wall, looking for the light. He lay Shinya on the bed and was about to leave, when he hesitated. He hated sleeping in his clothes, he was sure Shinya wouldn't like to either. Die thought for a moment, and then sighed and looked through the bureau for pajamas. Finding a pair, he carefully undressed Shinya, not wanting to wake him up, and started to put the pajamas on.
Die hesitated for a moment, looking down at Shinya with a sigh. "You're so beautiful," he whispered to his sleeping friend and then finished dressing him.
Die sighed again and left, thinking. "What if I start going to clubs with him?" Die asked himself aloud as he drove home. "Then he might start talking to me. We might even be real friends." Die smiled. "That's what I'll do, I'll start going out with him."
The next morning, Die was eating breakfast, when someone knocked on the door. He answered it, surprised. "Oh, hello," he said to Shinya. "Come in."
Shinya walked in, looking around the apartment interested. "I just wanted to say thank you," he said. "You know, for last night."
Die shrugged. "You would have done the same thing for me, I'm sure." He led Shinya into the kitchen. "Breakfast?" he asked, motioning to the food.
"That would be wonderful," Shinya said, smiling.
Die got out an extra plate and served Shinya, sitting down and finishing to eat himself. "Why did you change?" Die asked suddenly.
Shinya looked up at him, surprised. "I changed?" he asked.
Die laughed. "You know you've changed, Shinya, you have to know."
Shinya frowned. "Well, I thought if I started going out more and made more friends, I'd be happier. I thought I might even be able to get a—um, significant other."
"You mean a girlfriend?" Die asked.
Shinya nodded. "Or a boyfriend." He chewed thoughtfully. "But that was just a pipe dream. Everyone seems to think that having more friends makes you happier, I thought I'd try it."
Die shrugged. "If you lose your old friends, what are you going to do when you lose your new friends?" he asked.
Shinya looked surprised again. "Do you think I'm going to lose you guys as friends?"
Die thought for a moment. "Well, I can't speak for Kyo and Toshiya, but I know Kaoru's upset that you're acting like you aren't part of the band. I mean, you only ever talk to us when you have to, you're always too busy."
"I know I haven't been around much, but I'm not the only one that stopped talking to everyone. Toshiya told me the other day that he's worried about you. He tried to get me to talk to you and see what was wrong. He seemed to think that you would tell me, even though you wouldn't tell Kaoru."
"There's nothing wrong," Die said obstinately. "I'm fine, I just haven't been feeling well."
Shinya smiled. "Die, we've switched places," he told him. "Have you realized that? I'm now the one that goes out all the time, and you're the one who gets offended really easily and everyone worries about."
"Everyone still worries about you, Shinya, just not about the same things. Kaoru told me that Toshiya's worried about you. He thinks you aren't happy, even though you claim to be." Shinya looked at Die sadly. "What?" Die asked, frowning.
"Why did you stop calling Kaoru 'Kao', and why did you stop calling me 'Shin-chan'?" he asked. "It's like you're not our friend anymore."
Die shrugged. "Well, I don't feel like your friend, why should I act like I am?" he asked.
"How don't you feel like my friend?" Shinya asked.
Die sighed deeply. "I never see any of you guys, I never talk to any of you guys, and lately you guys have seemed annoyed with me."
"It's your own fault if you never talk to any of us." He grinned. "Everyone always seemed annoyed with me and you were still my friends," he reminded Die, making Die smile. "Make them make time for you, if they're too busy."
"Fine. Shinya, make time for me," Die told him. Shinya just looked at him, and Die grinned. "You told me to make you make time for me," he said. "If you're my friend, make time for me."
Shinya thought for a moment. "Well, I didn't have anything to do today anyway, I was just probably going to sleep all day, and then go out tonight. What do you want to do?"
Die shrugged. "I don't know. Movie?" he suggested, and Shinya nodded.
Later that day, Die and Shinya went out to lunch, and ran into Kaoru, Kyo, and Toshiya. "What are you guys doing here?" Toshiya asked, all of them looking surprised.
Die and Shinya glanced at each other, both shrugging. "We just came from a movie, we were hungry," Die said. "Is there something wrong with us being here?"
"No, we're just surprised to see you two together, to see you anywhere, Die." Kaoru smiled at his friend.
Die looked at the ground. "It's not so out of the ordinary for me to go somewhere," he defended himself.
"Do you want to join us?" Kaoru asked them quickly, realizing that he had touched a nerve.
"You know, I'm not very hungry anymore," Die told them quietly. "I'll see you guys tomorrow." He left quickly, before any of his well-meaning friends could stop him.
Shinya looked at the rest of them, thinking. "I'm not really hungry either," he said, and followed Die.
Shinya walked around for a while, eventually ending up in a park. His phone rang, and he answered it. It was his mother, who he didn't really want to talk to.
"Have you found a nice girl yet?" she asked, as mothers often do.
Shinya carefully thought about what to say, and then made up his mind to be blunt, or rather, as blunt as his mother would let him be. "Would there be anything wrong if I didn't find a girl?" he asked.
"You mean if you stayed single forever?" she asked, and sighed.
"No," Shinya said. "What if—well, Toshiya and Kaoru are dating, what if I—"
"Are you gay?" she asked suddenly, seeming frightened. "Shinya, I don't think it's a good thing for you to be gay," she told him.
Shinya feigned a laugh. "No, I'm not gay," he told her. "It was just a hypothetical situation," he explained, though tears were in his eyes. "I have to go, I'll talk to you later," he said, and hung up the phone.
Looking around, Shinya continued his walk. Now he had much more than his newfound social life weighing on his mind. Am I bad? he asked himself. Is there something wrong with me if I like men? He sighed. He had been so secure in liking Die, but now he wasn't sure anymore. I shouldn't have even asked her, I've known for years that she doesn't approve of gay men. Shinya closed his eyes as the painful memory came back to him.
He had been hanging out with his best friend, playing some music. There was nothing going on that shouldn't have been, just a couple of sixteen year old boys doing what they loved to do. In an instant, everything changed when Shinya's friend kissed him. Shinya had been startled by the action, and was even more startled to realize that he liked it. Unfortunately, Shinya's mother took that moment to walk into the room. She saw what was going on and started screaming her head off. Embarrassed, Shinya pulled away from his friend and started yelling at him, telling him that he wasn't gay and didn't know why the boy seemed to think he was. Shinya's parents forbade him from ever seeing the boy again, and Shinya listened, not wanting to upset his parents, not wanting to get into trouble. Two years later, a boy Shinya and his friend had gone to school with beat Shinya's old friend to death, after finding out he was gay.
Shinya sucked in an unsteady breath and walked to his apartment, utterly confused. He pulled a bottle of vodka out of the refrigerator, not wanting to be able to think for a while.
As his first sip of the alcohol burned its way down his throat, Shinya bit his lip, on the verge of tears again. "What am I going to do?" he moaned into the empty room, the tears spilling over.
The next day, when Shinya walked into practice, he avoided the eyes of his bandmates. "What's wrong?" Toshiya asked him, frowning. "You weren't at the club last night, I looked for you."
Shinya looked up at his friend, motioning for him to come close. "I think I'm back to normal," he whispered to his friend. "Or nearly. There's one thing I need to change."
"What?" Toshiya asked, starting to smile. He was going to have his Shin-chan back at last.
Shinya took in a deep breath, putting his hands up in front of his face so the others couldn't even see his lips moving when he told Toshiya. "I—I can't like men anymore," he said, his eyes filling up.
"Why not?" Toshiya asked loudly, startled.
Shinya looked at the ground, not bothering to whisper. "My parents," he told his friend. "I'm afraid they'll—I'm afraid they'll disown me."
Toshiya hugged Shinya tightly. "You shouldn't worry about that. If they'd disown you because of something like that, they're not worth it." He saw the despairing look on Shinya's face and smiled. "It'll be okay, Shinya, we'll figure something out."
Shinya looked around at the rest of them, who had perplexed looks on their faces, and buried his face in Toshiya's shoulder as hot tears poured out of him. It was the first time he had ever cried, ever really cried in front of them.
"He'll get mad at me if he finds out I told you guys," Toshiya said later that day, when Shinya was going to the bathroom.
"Just tell us, before he comes back. He'll never know you told us," Die said impatiently.
Toshiya sighed. "He said that he can't like men anymore."
"He liked men to begin with?" Kyo asked.
Toshiya just ignored him. "Apparently he's afraid his parents will disown him, you guys heard that part."
"This is my fault," Die said, looking at the floor. "Yesterday I—well, I kind of flirted with him at the movie."
Toshiya smiled. "Die, he's liked you for the longest time," he said, making Die looked up, surprised. "Besides, I've known he's liked men since I started being friends with him."
"Are you talking about me?" a small voice asked from the doorway, and they all turned to see Shinya there, staring at them reproachfully.
Toshiya shook his head. "Nope, we're talking about Kyo. He was telling us about his new boyfriend," he lied flawlessly, smiling at his friend. "Die was surprised to find out that Kyo likes men, too."
"But that's been obvious for—"
"Come on, let's get back to work!" Kaoru interrupted, standing up. "We talk too much around here, we never get anything done."
Shinya was crying into a glass of vodka late that night when there was a knock on the door. "Come in," he called, wiping his eyes and standing up.
"Hey," Die said, walking into the apartment. "Are you okay?"
"Why were you guys talking about me?" Shinya asked.
"We wanted to know what was wrong, so we asked Toshiya. You can't keep stuff like that from us."
"Why not?" Shinya asked, making his emotions switch to anger instead of sadness.
Die touched Shinya's cheek gently. "Because we care about you."
Shinya slapped the hand away. "Don't touch me," he whispered, looking at the ground.
Die grabbed Shinya's chin and forced him to look up. "Look at me, Shinya! Listen carefully to what I'm going to say. There is nothing wrong with liking men. Absolutely nothing. Toshiya likes men, Kaoru likes men, millions of men like men, and I like men. Well, I like one man."
Shinya was shaking. He wanted to punch Die, to get away, to go to the bottle of pills he had hidden and down the bottle. But he didn't. Instead, he took a deep breath and asked the last question he wanted to ask. "Who?"
"What?" Die asked, frowning still.
"Who do you like?"
Die smiled, letting go of Shinya's chin and stroking his hair. "You, of course," he said gently. "Who else?"
Shinya sucked in an uneasy breath, not knowing what to do. His parents would be mortified if they found out, but…he wanted Die. Shinya stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Die in a hug.
Die hugged back, chuckling. "You're so cute," he said, stroking Shinya's hair some more.
Shinya looked up at Die, and Die kissed him before he had a chance to look away.
Shinya pulled away quickly, not knowing what to do. "Go away," he said quietly, trying to force anger to take control of his emotions once again. "Get out of here."
Die walked to the door, upset. "I would give up my family for you," he told Shinya. "If the roles were reversed, I would give up my family for you."
"Well, I guess I'm not as good a person as you then!" Shinya yelled. He just wanted Die to go away, he wanted the pounding in his head to stop, he wanted to drink until he passed out, and he wanted to never see any of his bandmates again. When Die just looked at him, Shinya threw his glass at the top of the doorframe. Die ducked his head as vodka and pieces of glass and ice rained down on him, and then slammed the door shut, leaving.
The next morning, Shinya didn't show up for practice. "Do you know where he is?" Kaoru asked Die, frowning.
Die glared at the drum set Shinya was supposed to be behind. "I don't know, and I really could care less." He sat on the couch, crossing his arms.
Toshiya and Kaoru exchanged perplexed looks. "I'll go to his apartment and look for him," Toshiya said quietly, and left.
When Toshiya reached Shinya's apartment and no one answered the door, he tried the doorknob. It turned, and Toshiya let himself in. The first thing Toshiya saw was the shattered glass, and he frowned. Shinya wasn't the type to break something on purpose, there had to be something incredibly wrong. Looking around, Toshiya's breath caught in his throat. The apartment was a mess. Shinya was a neat freak, and he never would have let his living space get so messy, no matter how busy or tired he was.
Toshiya walked into the room, carefully avoiding the vases and plates and glasses that were shattered on the floor. Going to the bedroom, Toshiya nearly fainted. The bed was covered in blood. There was a large pool of blood on the floor, and Shinya's clothes were scattered, some ripped, all over the room.
Shaking worse than he ever had before, Toshiya called Kaoru.
"Did you find him?" Kaoru asked, answering.
Toshiya tried to speak, and was unable to. He licked his lips and forced himself to talk. "Get over here, now," he said hurriedly. "Hurry."
A few minutes later, the rest of the band rushed into the apartment, to find Toshiya leaning against a wall, tears streaming down his face.
"Where's Shinya?" Kaoru asked, looking terrified.
"I don't know," Toshiya whispered, and fell to the floor in a faint.