Disclaimer: Star wars does not belong to me. What a shame.
Author's note: This is the work of a plot bunny that wouldn't leave me alone for months. I started this a while ago, gave up on it then decided to finish. Not that the info is of value. Anyway, this is set years after My Darkness, another fic of mine, but can easily stand alone, as it works for just about any universe in which Ani/Vader survives while Han and Leia do not.
I even made cover art - photobucket. com/ albums/ v312/ Sithspawn13/ YWCover.jpg Remove the spaces; no triple W.
Stupid site won't let me post the link.
A cold, ill wind blows, passing through my clothes, my skin and my flesh, chilling me to the bone. For a while, I stare at the distant, barren trees that whisper faintly in my ear, then I lower my eyes back to the near frozen ground. It is late autumn and all is frigid, dark and bleak. A dismal sentiment is in the air. It envelops everything. It sends shivers down my spine. Dressed in black as I always am, I kneel at the foot of your grave, placing a single deep, black-red rose upon it. Red as your blood, and as beautiful, as tragic.
It was not always this way, I know. I remember better days. I remember a different time. A time when all was bright and beautiful. A time when there was only joy and inspiration – not a hint of the despair that now hangs in the air, draped over everything like a heavy shroud, smothering all, like some vile black mist. I remember a time when my heart was filled with peace, love and hope. I remember a time when the sun's rays warmed me, when nature spoke to me. A time when you were still with me. These memories had faded into exactly what they are – mere recollections coated with the dust of time.
Everything is different now. All is quiet, even the Force, and there is a gaping void inside of me. It never closed, and I fear it never will – there are some wounds even time cannot heal. I feel that this emptiness will always remain in me. I am not the only one affected. Mother never smiles. Her radiance, her laughter is gone. She rarely even speaks. She hides in her mind. She never opens up to anyone. It scares me. It hurts me. Grandfather…I feel strange calling him that, for outwardly he still seems quite youthful. Inside, however, your father has grown older. He seems hardened, but I know he is not. He still grieves, even though it has been years. It has been hard for him to let go, as it has been for everyone. Scarred and broken, weathered from too much sorrow in one lifetime, he never laughs either.
You were not the first to go – Uncle Han and Aunt Leia have preceded you, but you were the world to us. I was not yet born when they died, but I suspect your loss was the hardest to bear. I should blame you for leaving us, but I miss you too much. I long for you. I dream of you coming back to us. They all tell me to let go, but this has proved to be an impossible feat. You have not been forgotten. I tell no one – it is my darkest, most shameful secret – but sometimes, I want to join you in death. This is a dark place, and not just because of the civil war that has lasted for almost sixteen years, my entire lifespan, albeit it is now coming to a close. I still recall the day the shadows fell.
-flashback-
You are dimming, I can feel you waning, fading into nothingness. I want to deny it, as if it could change what I recognize as the truth. How I wish for it not to be so, for this to be a mere dream. A nightmare, nothing more. My delusion fails, and the world I attempt to construct over my harsh reality cracks, crumbles and falls. Crashes and burns like all else. The world is cold. I seek the warmth of my mother, but she seems as fragile as you do – lying there, your skin deathly pale against the deep red of the blood that seeps from your wounds. You don't speak. I've never seen you this way.
"Mommy, is he going to die?"
This shakes her, but she struggles to hide it. Instead, she offers a stiff, weary smile. It does not reach her eyes.
"No, dear. He'll be alright."
She says this to comfort herself as much as she does for me. Who is she trying to fool?
"That's a lie." She does not know what to do. She feels out of place. Trapped. But she is lying. You taught me not to lie.
"No, not a lie. Daddy's always been strong. He will make it out of this."
I want to believe it.
"Then why is he so dark and flickery?" Her eyes turn so bright. How they sparkle…Beautiful but sad. It hurts.
"Aileen…It's alright. Everything will be fine. Your father is very tired. He's just going to sleep for a long time." Why is her voice trembling?
Is it the gaping wound in your side that drains you so? What could have hurt you so badly? Is it a broken heart? I've heard of them. They say nothing can fix it.
"A very long time?"
"Yes. He needs a very long rest." You were never this grey when you went to sleep…
"Mommy…? I'm scared."
She draws me into a profound embrace, holding me close.
"Don't be," She whispers soothingly, "It's alright…It's alright."
Times passes. I don't know how long, but it feels like forever. A silent eternity. I edge closer to you. You are never so vulnerable. I ask the question. I dread the answer.
"Daddy, are you going to die?"
You smile. It's so faint. Frightfully faint.
"No, of course not."
Almost amused. There is something wrong with the inflection. Almost as if it is exaggerated.
"Promise?"
"Yes, I promise."
I believe you. Your words are warmth and solace. I'm safe again. All is well.
"Mommy says you're going to sleep for a very long time." I whisper this in your ear.
"I'm afraid so," Why are you afraid?
"Just remember that I'm always with you. I watch over you, even when I'm not there."
"Okay."
"I'll protect you," I whisper, ever so faintly.
I hold you, like Mommy held me. You drift off to sleep. You don't speak anymore.
"I'll be waiting."
-End flashback-
I waited. For such a long time…I waited, but you never came back. I tried not to lose hope. Oh, how I tried. Eventually I did. My faith in you never waited. Now I'm losing faith as well. A ragged sob tears out of my throat. A bestial sound. Such a dire noise, it was never meant to be made by a human being.
"You promised me not to die!" I all but scream this, the words blurred in the streams anguish cascading down my face.
That changed nothing. You died anyway. I cannot bring you back. It feels like you passed into the Force mere hours ago. The wounds are as fresh.
The truth is that you are long gone. Sometimes I wonder if you watch over me. Sometimes I wonder if you care. Sometimes I wonder if you are aware of your betrayal.
I thought you were strong enough to thwart fate. You weren't. I thought you were different, that you were not one of death's potential victims. You were. I thought you were immortal. You weren't.
I thought you would always be there for me.
You weren't.