Disclaimer: I do not and never will own Harry Potter or any of the lyrics used in this story. This is kind of duh-worthy as it is, but just in case you or somebody's lawyers were wondering…
A/N: Non HPB compliant. Just a strange little piece that I hesitate to even call a story. I don't think an M rating is really necessary, but I wasn't sure where drug use fell on the rating scale. Plot bunny gone mad. Please, it's not my fault, I wasn't in control of my own mind. Also, this is irredeemably plotless.
Summary: After killing Voldemort in a freak cooking accident, the trio goes to celebrate. But they're about to learn that Hogwarts kinda sucks in a lot of ways; like giving their students drug education classes for one thing…
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Yeah, my, my such a sweet thing
I wanna do everything
What a beautiful feeling
Crimson and clover over and over
Crimson and clover over and over
Crimson and clover over and over
Crimson and clover over and over
Crimson and clover over and over...
--Tommy James & the Shondells
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"It's hard to believe" Hermione said, as her, Ron and Harry walked down a crowded, celebratory Diagon Alley street.
"Yeah, I almost feel sorry for the tosser" Ron added.
Harry turned to give Ron a look of irritation but found he couldn't do it. "You're right" he said, beginning to crack up. "I killed the Dark Lord with cooking appliances…on accident! I owe it all to Iron Chef" Harry intoned gravely.
"Yeah, what was the power he knew not again? Muggle cookingware!" Ron gave a bark of laughter, and the other two joined in, dissolving into fits of maniacal laughter. Random people on the street gave them odd looks, but that was better than them being recognized as the "heroes" of the second war.
Harry stopped laughing abruptly. "Alright, now we're getting kind of creepy." The three looked at each other rather uncomfortably.
"So…anyone up for a drink?" Ron asked hopefully.
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Harry, Ron and Hermione strode towards a boisterous pub that they hadn't ever noticed before. "This place looks wicked" Ron said. "How come I've never seen it before?"
Hermione tapped her foot impatiently. "I expect that it was charmed so that only wizards who were of-age could see it. The way The Leaky Cauldron is charmed so that muggles can't see it. Rather impressive actually. I'm sure that it kept people like Fred and George out."
Ron muttered something darkly under his breath. "Well we're of-age now, so let's get on with it." He pulled open the door and the trio was immediately barraged with an assortment of smells, sights and sounds. Ron and Harry looked around with blatant appreciation and Hermione rolled her eyes, only just barely keeping the curiosity out of her gaze.
Rowdy wizards dealt cards at one table, their enormous glass mugs filled with a sparkling, spitting purple concoction. Several pretty young witches sitting at the bar gave Harry and Ron appreciative glances. Making their way through the din, the Gryffindors finally found an empty table. They sat down, getting comfortable and perusing the menu when they became aware of the people at the next table.
"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" Several wizards were egging on a petite blond girl as she downed what looked to be her seventh mug.
Hermione, Harry and Ron ordered their drinks and waited no longer than thirty seconds to be served. The exclamations of the men at the next table could still be heard. Hermione raised her glass daintily to her lips. Harry and Ron looked at each other tentatively before calling out "Chug! Chug! Chu…" Their yells died on their lips when Hermione turned her icy glare at them. "Well…it was worth a try" Ron said weakly.
The girl at the next table slammed down her final mug. "Yes then…I think I won, don't you?"
The trio turned around with a gasp. "Luna?" they asked simultaneously.
"Oh, hello you three" Luna Lovegood greeted serenely. "I heard that you killed He-who-has-a-name-but-we-don't-like-to-say-it in a freak Tupperware accident. Care to join me for another drink?"
The three of them looked at each other flabbergasted before shrugging their shoulders. "Sure, that'd be great, Luna" Harry answered kindly.
"Yes" Luna said, but to who, nobody knew. "Be gone now" she stated abruptly to the other members of her table. The wizards grumbled as their chairs scraped the floor. "And don't forget to leave my winnings."
"Yeah, yeah, Lovegood. We all know you won fair and square" one wizard muttered.
"It was eight drinks" Luna answered pensively. "So wouldn't you say that I won fair and octagon?"
The wizards shot each other confused looks. "Right…" Scrounging around in their pockets, they all unceremoniously dumped stuff on the table before leaving. Luna sat passively amongst her winnings, so Harry, Ron and Hermione finally got up and moved to her table.
Ron glanced unabashedly through Luna's winnings. "What is all this stuff?"
Luna looked at her earnings for the first time. "Oh nothing much. A couple sickles and some hashish. Charas, to be exact."
Ron and Hermione spit into their drinks. Ron looked at a bag filled with a soft brownish, powdery looking block with newfound appreciation and Hermione was glowering furiously.
"Luna! That is illegal in half of Europe. It has Merlin knows how many different side effects, a dangerous magical composition, and not to mention what the Wizarding Decree of 1874 said…"
"It's illegal in half of Europe" Ron said slowly. "But it's not illegal here."
Hermione sputtered. "Well no, but that's not the point—honestly Ronald!"
Ron looked slightly smug after pulling one over Hermione. "When Fred and George are your brothers, you learn these kinds of things."
"What, how to take advantage of the legal system?" Hermione asked.
"Well, yeah" Ron answered.
"Fmghshmph" was all that could be heard from behind Hermione's mug.
Harry regarded the bag with interest. "Hashish? I don't think I've ever heard of that."
"It's rather nice" Luna said conversationally. "I've never tried it in large groups of people before though. It's quite good for me, being a Ravenclaw. Expands my mind. You're Gryffindors. Maybe it'll make you braver" she said hopefully.
"Yes! I bet it will" Ron said excitedly. He had wondered about that mystery drug ever since he'd heard Fred and George talk about the puff Mundungus Fletcher had once allowed each of them to take.
Angry at the conversation in general and Luna's possession of a dangerous magical substance, Hermione uncharacteristically slammed down more drinks than was strictly necessary and in very quick succession. She wasn't listening any more as Luna explained hashish in its entirety to the group.
Ron and Harry, who had also consumed quite a bit of alcohol, were staring at Luna with rapt fascination. "So it clears your mind…that's so…spiritual."
Ron snorted. "Harry, you prat. When did you become Trelawney? Spiritual, I ask you."
"I'm going to the park to meditate…and such. If anybody cares to join me, you may." Luna languidly removed herself from her seat.
"Wait, wait, we'll come!" Ron said. "Right guys?"
Harry nodded happily. "Kmhfanfmph" Hermione said sullenly, but followed anyway. Luna led the intoxicated trio out of the bar and into the night.
"Diagon Alley has a park?" Ron asked, confused.
"Shhh!" Luna answered happily, as she hummed 'Weasley is our King' under her breath.
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Harry, Ron, Hermione and Luna were all sitting in a circle in the darkened park. Harry had no fucking clue what was going on. Where there was a park. Why there was a park. But he wasn't going to question it.
Luna began passing around a bong that had magically appeared. Yeah, like through actual magic. "It's shaped like a crumple-horned snorkack" Luna said helpfully. It was a testament to how plastered Hermione was that she didn't even make one rude or disbelieving face.
The bong was passed, the hashish was smoked. If Luna was normal, she would have rolled some joints or taken bottle tokes. But she liked using a bong, ok? And it was magical, don't forget that. Now it was time to take a trip to the other side.
The group sat in silence for a couple minutes. Or maybe an hour. Finally Harry spoke. "Wow. I feel so mellow. And since mellowness is such a stereotype of muggle pot smokers, and I am so often stereotyped, I should feel angry and affronted. By stereotyping. But I'm not. Wow, I'm so mellow."
"Shut up" Ron said calmly.
20 minutes, or maybe 3 hours later…
"You've got nice eyes" Harry mumbled in Luna's direction. Luna gave him a lazy smile.
"You've got nice eyes, Harry."
"Yeah, Harry's got nice eyes" Ron added half-heartedly.
Harry widened his eyes until he looked almost bug-eyed. "I can't see them!" he whined. He paced for a moment, trying to figure out what to do if he couldn't see his own eyes. He looked up. "Hermione has nice eyes."
"Not really" Hermione said dully.
"No, they're nice" Ron said. "They're the color of…thingy."
Harry started pacing again. "Luna…I like your eyes. It's like I can see myself in them!"
The four were quiet for a moment. "How come nobody likes my eyes?" Ron asked.
Hermione proceeded to fall over, and alas, the question was never answered.
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The foursome soon began to wander the mysterious park, finding themselves entranced by nature and natural harmony and other uplifting stuff.
"Beautiful" Harry murmured, while staring at a trash receptacle.
Hermione and Luna were making snow angels on the ground. Of course, there was no snow…but still. It was fun. Luna was singing quietly again. "La la, penny for your thoughts. La la, and a pack of veelas."
"I wish I could go back in time" Hermione slurred. "Go back in time, and like, save my ass."
"What do you mean?" Harry lay face up on the couch, staring at his hands as if mesmerized. Yeah, there was a couch. There was a couch because Harry said there was one, and he was on a trip, dammit!
"Like I could go back in time and make my ass not fat" Hermione explained smugly.
"But we broke all the timeturners!" Harry cried out in anguish and covered his face with his hands, until only muffled crying could be heard. "I'm so sorry—the—the—THE TIMETURNERS! NOOOOO." Harry's outburst was ignored.
"I think you have a nice ass" Ron added. "Don't go back in time to save it."
"Thanks, Ron. I think you have a nice ass too."
"Thanks, Mione. I think…"
"No, let's stop" Harry cut in. Even in his delirious state, he was in no mood to let the round robin of compliments get fired up again. Instead he began singing. He had no idea why or how it came to him, but somehow the words felt right. He felt as if he had somehow found the truest words ever spoken and they came directly from his heart.
"Do you really want to hurt meeeeeeee?
Do you really want to make me cry?
Do you really want to hurt meeeeeeee?
Do you really want to make me cry?"
"Oh Harry, that was beautiful." Luna had tears in her eyes. "It's like you used my soul as the schematic of the most beautiful invention on earth."
"Huh?" Ron asked eloquently.
Hermione, not understanding the gravity or seriousness of this situation and the following declarations, ruined the mood. "Why Boy George?"
Harry deftly countered this. "Why any of us?"
Ron and Luna nodded their heads like a pair of sage bobble-head dolls.
"You know," Ron said slowly. "I've always suspected that when the Moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars."
Luna and Harry were speechless. It was as if Ron had somehow taken a boggart and single-handedly converted it into peace on earth. Shit, now the narrative flow wasn't even making sense. That's how earth-shattering Ron's pronouncement had been.
Of course, Hermione, who had been so pleasantly stoned and unassuming earlier, had to RUIN EVERYTHING again. "Ron, did you learn that from your dad? Does he have some muggle records or something?"
Ron was confused. And a little pissed off. "What are youtrying to say,Hermione? I just handed you my hopes, dreams and mankind's future, and you mock me!"
"There was no…mocking" she said.
Harry and Luna tried to console the slightly distraught Ron. "There, there. She doesn't know what she's saying. I mean, it's not everyday that somebody makes a life changing prophecy like that."
"You're right" Ron ceded. "I feel the need to…prepare." Ron wandered a little ways off to begin a serious discussion with a park bench.
Harry, Hermione and Luna sat in the circle once again. Why were they always drawn into that comfortable circle position, dammit? For no reason whatsoever, Harry began rolling around on the ground, eventually rolling himself right over Luna and Hermione. Anything to remove himself from circlehood. Hermione decided to lay with her arms pinned against her side, in case Harry chose to randomly roll over her again. It was more comfortable that way, but at this stage, she really shouldn't have been thinking that practically.
Ron walked back to the now-malformed circle and perched loftily on a pink stool. "Everything is settled. Jebediah drives a hard bargain, but I won out in the end."
Harry looked surprised. "Ron, do you know what you've done? You've saved us all!"
Ron's face reddened slightly. "Oh, it was nothing. I told him one of my knock-knock jokes."
Hermione opened her mouth to speak and Ron scrambled to cut her off before she ruined the joyous atmosphere once again. "Jebediah is a symbol, Hermione. For love itself."
Suddenly it all made sense. "Oh, Ron!" Hermione called out. This time it was Hermione who rolled, right over Harry and Luna, until she was lying at the foot of Ron's stool. And then she pulled the stool out from under him.
"Mgaaaah!" Ron yelled as he tumbled from his roost. He let out a startled "oomph!" as he hit the ground next to Hermione. "Hermione."
"Ron."
"Hermione."
"Ron."
To shut them up, Harry threw his sock at Ron's face. And then he wondered whether it was his smelly sock that caused his two best friends to kiss each other. Or maybe it was Jebediah. Either way, he was thinking, thank God they got that over with. Had he been in his right mind, Harry would have been chuckling over the fact that the pair could never tell their children how they got together. Hermione of course would be embarrassed of this escapade for the rest of her life. But secretly, Harry was sure she would be glad that it brought her and Ron together. Of course, Harry wasn't in his right mind, so he wasn't thinking any of these things. In truth, he was thinking about monkeys, and whether or not they could play mandolins.
Ron and Hermione drifted off to sleep, smiling as they rested in each other's arms. Harry too felt his eyelids weighing down heavily, and the last thing he saw before losing consciousness was Luna playing paddy cake with another Luna.
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Harry woke up in a bed at the Hogwarts infirmary. He let out a sigh of relief. It had all been a dream. He turned and realized that Luna, Hermione and Ron were all in nearby beds. Uh-oh?
Suddenly Snape thrust his greasy head towards Harry. Where had he come from? "Potter" he stated simply.
"Professor."
"You and your fellow classmates have made a mockery of yourselves. It's a good thing that Order members were still tailing you, or who knows what kind of damage could have been wrought."
Harry raised his eyebrows. "Order members were tailing us and they didn't stop us from doing…thingy?"
Snape smirked. "Tonks was tailing you." Enough said.
Suddenly Dumbledore strode in. Snape gave him a hopeful look, as if he could smell expulsion in the air. Instead, Dumbledore just looked bemused. "Severus, I would like a word with Harry alone, if you don't mind."
Snape scowled, striding out of the infirmary.
Harry gulped. "Are we being expelled?"
Dumbledore laughed. "Expelled, Harry? I'm afraid not. There is nothing I can do if a student on summer break ingests a legal substance."
Harry let out a breath of relief. Dumbledore spoke again. "The Hogwarts Express will take the four of you back to the station tomorrow morning at 9:00. I expect that that's the last time any of you will do something like that."
Harry nodded his head.
Dumbledore turned and began walking away, before stopping and giving Harry a mischievous glance. "And Harry, when Mr. Weasley wakes up, tell him something for me."
Harry nodded again.
"Tell him that I like his eyes." Dumbledore left the infirmary with something resembling a smirk on his face.
Harry groaned and burrowed his head further into his pillow.
The End.
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A/N: Uhhh, shoot me, I deserve it. But actually don't. And don't flame me either. I've already shamed myself enough. But I had fun while doing it, and that's what counts, right? The only thing I regret is that Neville didn't get invited along for any fun. Harry's words of startling truth were Culture Club lyrics and Ron's beautiful and life changing prophecy were lyrics from the song, Age of Aquarius. So yeah, don't sue. Please?
And as for how Harry killed Voldemort with cooking appliances...I'll let you use your imagination. Unless I write a prequel or something.