If Only She Knew
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own InuYasha, he belongs to Rumiko Takahashi! And the song: 'If Only She Knew' belongs to Michelle Branch. Enjoy!
SUMMARY: Kagome gritted her teeth in irritation as she felt tears pool within her eyes. Her heart was hurting again which meant one thing: she needed to sing.
NOTE: This is Alternate Universe!
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(ONE-SHOT)
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Kagome sighed tiredly as she lied on her small twin bed in her apartment.
This past month and a half had not been so kindly towards her. All that this month and half had given her was grief, heartache, regret, and frustration; and it all came from two people. Lifting her head an inch from the soft, light blue cotton sheets, Kagome looked at her nightstand and gave a wishful look at it.
The picture was of her and InuYasha, taken a long time ago…when things weren't complicated. It was taken at Christmas a year ago at her mother's and grandfather's shrine on Christmas Eve. They were dressed in a similar casual way except she was wearing an olive green, fleece turtle neck while he wore a furious red button up shirt, a black wool scarf around his neck. They were in the family living room and in the background you could find Souta sneaking Buyo some eggnog in his water dish. They had looked so happy and a loving couple…Whenever we have these family reunions, whenever or whatever the occasion…it seemed where InuYasha was happy the most. I think he finally acknowledged the fact that he was considered family whether he liked it or not…Kagome's eyes watered slightly as she stared at her and InuYasha's smiling faces; both of them flushed, but happy when Mrs. Higurashi had playfully (Within the picture), placed a mistletoe over their heads. He always seemed to laugh more…joke more…cared more…Giving a tired sigh, she raised a hand and slapped the photograph over the edge of the table.
"Time to stop living within the past; things have changed."
Kagome lied unperturbed at the smashing sound of glass on the floor; she just stared up at the ceiling all the while contemplating in her thoughts.
Everything was so perfect…The tears once again pooled into her eyes as the memories poured in once again for the millionth time. Why did she have to come?
Shaking her head, Kagome rubbed her eyes gently, taking away the tears that were forming. Taking a big sniff, she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. Gently getting onto her feet, she stepped over the pieces of glass that littered near her bedside, she walked to her closet.
I need to sing…
Rummaging through the closet, she decided to go to her friend Jakotsu's club: Nango, meaning Sweet Nothings. It was never a problem for 'Jak' to allow her to sing for the club inhabitants as they drank and read. It was strange, she'd admit it, albeit quietly for Jak's sake. Taking out a pair of stone-washed jeans from Aeropastale, she brought up the memories of Jakotsu from middle school to college and THAN beyond schooling; he was always…she guessed suggestive would be the right word she would pick as she remembered the many times when they went out as friends that he would leave his phone number with a thoroughly shocked and handsome man. It was strange to acknowledge that he had a different personality, but that was just Jak, she decided as she decided to wear a black, silk, and button up shirt over a white, strapless tank.
Perfect…her own clothes were betraying her with her emotions: black for inner anger and fury, and white for remaining innocence and purity, talk about karma.
Shaking her head once again, Kagome bent over and picked up a pair of black stiletto shoes and walked over to her jewelry box. Picking up a pair of elegant, yet India-ish dangling earrings along with a matching two inch beaded bracelet, she took out the last thing she planned on wearing. Her eyes grew sad once again as she placed the others down beside her clothes and held the piece of jewelry with both hands.
It was simple and plain, yet it meant the world to her. It was a teasing game she and…InuYasha had played since the first time they struggled to get gifts for each for Christmas or their dating anniversary. They would shop together for each other on the day of the special occasion and go window shopping. She could still remember his body warmth pressed beside her…his arm wrapped snugly around her waist and all the while drumming his fingertips against the front of her belt in possessiveness. Tears once again pooled in.
They had went into an antique shop that had a large sale that day for it was closing within a week and a half. They had searched throughout the place, making jokes with each other among some of the things; her teasing him when he got overexcited about a rusty old sword and he in return would tease her for going into awe at the first glance towards a bow and a quiver of arrows. It was almost a dead end until they came across the perfect partner gift.
In a small wooden box on velvet laid two rosaries intertwined with each other. She had given him the one on the left that had dark indigo-purple prayer beads with white fangs while he had given her the one with the white prayer beads and the indigo-purple fangs.
Gulping, she set it beside the other jewelry and undressed; her thoughts still muddled. As she shimmed off her pajamas, she thought of the other rosary and her own – they were so similar to a yin-yang symbol that it was unthinkable. Him, the darkness with a few drops of kindness, while she, the light had a few drops of darkness within her. It was comforting though, she thought tiredly as she buttoned the top of her favorite casual, yet somewhat bad-girl jeans and slipped on her white, strapless tank on, that whenever they still bumped into each other that she could still find that same rosary she gave him on their first Christmas together two years ago still laying against that familiarly strong and semi-chiseled chest.
Buttoning up the black-silk and three-quarter shirt to the third button, showing half of her white strapless tank, Kagome picked up the white rosary and wrapped it around her throat three times, as much as she could, making it settle just above her collar bone. Slipping on her bracelet, she walked to her body mirror and put her earrings on, all the while studying her figure.
That girl…Kikyo…yes, that was her name…She thought idly and somewhat dazed as she slowly turned from side to side, debating to wear this outfit…it was daring to say the least. She hadn't come out of her apartment for at least a week, surviving off of Ramen showed her somewhat pale skin and the unhealthy pounds she had thrown off, but her figure still remained the same.
Shrugging her shoulders, she walked to her bed once again and sat on the edge of it before slipping her glossy onyx stilettos on her dainty feet. Walking to her bathroom she stared at her pale face and mussed hair and gave a sad sigh. Life sucks at the moment…
She took out a brush and started working delicately at the twists and gnarls that her hair was at the moment a…bird's nest. When she was done, she simply curled her split ends and left it alone as her natural wavy cascade of ebony that went to her mid back. Putting on her deodorant and her favorite Adidas perfume, she walked out and picked up her guitar case before walking out of her apartment and headed towards Jak's club.
He never did like going there. Reason? Kagome let out a reluctant giggle of mirth to pass her pink-rose lips. Oh, Jakotsu-chan, you still have the power to either make a gay man crumble in pleasure or make a straight man go running for his life. By now, a small smile was placed on Kagome's face as she walked out of her apartment building that was in a good neighborhood. Walking down the side walk, she blatantly ignored or missed the curious gazes from men that went from kids that were still in high school, kids in college, or in her age-group.
She stopped though when she reached a familiar grocery store that she had gone to for what else? Ramen (College exams were coming up), a girl's best friend. She could still remember the incident as if it happened only a few hours ago.
She was only in the next aisle when she heard the new couple of half a month after her and InuYasha's break up go into an argument. Kikyo had been complaining about the rosary that was around his neck, calling it embarrassing and stupid. Kagome bit her lip in slight shame when she remembered clenching her fist, readying to just walk around the aisle and to the woman and give her a good whallop, but she decided not to when she heard InuYasha defending the necklace. He had declared that he would never, yep, never part with this necklace. That was a good day…such a good day to have witnessed.
Because in a way, to her, he was saying that he wasn't ever going to heal as well from this ordeal…and that meant a lot to her.
Shaking her head, she walked on towards Jak's Nango club, her safe haven from the world where bumping into InuYasha was high probability, the only place he evaded like the plague. She sent a fond smile through the large display window, showing people drinking many types of drinks ranging from coffee, hot chocolate, to alcohol. Looking to the bar, she grinned wider to find a stylish man wearing a sparking white apron over his dark garnet shirt wave at her; his dark emerald hair that was almost black was put into a strange, yet sexy bun in the back of his head, giving him a sophisticated yet wild look.
Waving back, she walked through the doorway and into the dim club; the only spotlight was on the stage at the moment. Before Kagome could blink, she found herself wrapped within a strong-armed hug; she immediately took in the masculine cologne and natural scent as Jakotsu. Giving an awkward hug seeing as she still had her guitar strapped to her back, Kagome enjoyed Jakotsu's joyous chattering,
"Kags, it is SO GREAT to see you again! I was afraid you've grown into a vampire!" Kagome let out a giggle at Jakotsu's serious, yet hilarious expression. She just couldn't contain herself when she was around him…which was why they were friends in the first place.
"It's great to see you again as well, Jak-chan." Jakotsu pouted,
"What? No kiss?" Kagome rolled her eyes, but all the same gave him a peck on the cheek. He beamed happily down at her,
"So what can I get yeah?"
"How about the center stage?"
Kagome inwardly winced when he dropped his joyous and delighted composure and looked down at her with a grave expression,
"So you're still healing…" Kagome gave a weak smile,
"I'll never stop healing." Jakotsu gave her a small disapproving frown,
"Never say never, Kags." Kagome gave him a tired smile,
"So?" Jakotsu nodded wearily,
"Yeah, but please don't make my customers run away like you did, you had them in tears."
"I merely touched their hearts with my words."
"More like stripped them you mean. I mean, that last song was harsh."
Kagome rolled her eyes at him before walking away from him to the side of the stage up in front,
"I was letting out pent up frustration."
Jakotsu watched her with a sad gaze. Shaking his head, he walked back to the bar,
"Just please…heal as fast as you can."
Kagome felt tears sting her eyes when she unknowingly heard Jakotsu's last words. Swallowing the lump within her throat, she licked her dry lips and unpacked her guitar, waiting for the last part of entertainment for the night to end. I know I said never to say never, Jak-chan…but I actually meant it. I don't know if I'll never stop healing.
The clapping and whistles of the crowd made her look up to find the last of entertainment walk passed her. Walking among stage, she could see many curious faces staring at her. Reaching the stool in the center of the stage, she adjusted to the bright lighting and spoke clearing within the mike,
"Good evening folks, instead of Mira being your last singer, I will be. I would like to dedicate this song to two special people." She slowly sat on the stool and positioned her legs in a way to help her steady her trusty guitar. Readjusting the microphone again, she spoke,
"This song is what I would like to call 'If Only She Knew'. I dedicate this song to InuYasha Taisho and Kikyo Boukon." She noticed Jakotsu stiffen expectedly at the back of the bar; she only gave him a reassuring smile. Clearing her throat, she closed her eyes and strummed the chords of her loving guitar,
"I don't know whose side I'm takin' but,
I'm not takin' things too well.
I can't see inside your aching, but
Is it still too early for me to tell?"
Kagome intently listened to her own voice and her guitar make music together in harmony, never minding the cat calls and the cheering of the crowd that started up once again – she even missed the curious look that Jakotsu gave her.
"I tried to help you out, through the hardest of times,
Your heart is in your throat,
And I am speaking my mind,
Noooo, it looks as if it's over,
I'm still not over you…"
This song…it seemed so like her situation that she couldn't help but be attached to it. Kikyo never knew that InuYasha had been in a long-term relationship at the time they had gotten together one night, and for that, Kagome couldn't find herself to hate her with her complete heart…as much as her min told her she had the right. But that didn't stop her from hating her for even just a little…
"Cause IIIIIIIIIIIII still love you like I did before,
I know for sure,
That yoooooooou still feel the same way I do,
If Only She Knew…
Oh, If Only She Knew…"
Everything fell apart before my eyes, but I never noticed…Kagome didn't feel the tear that unconsciously slipped out of the corner of her eye. She didn't feel or hear anyone…only her, her guitar, her words, and her memories.
"I try to let it go, but
I don't know if I can take it, (I don't know if I can take it)
The way you looked at me made me see that I can't really fake it."
I was so stupid, not to see the reason after all of those dinner dates that he had cancelled…even on my birthday he had managed to wiggle out of to be with her. Kagome squeezed her eyes tighter as she strummed her guitar a little harder.
"I try to help you through, the hardest of times,
Your heart is in your throat,
And I'm speaking my mind,
Noooo it looks as if it's over,
I'm still not over you…"
He would never answer my calls…He never did any kind things for me anymore, such as getting me coffee and walking me to work, somehow slipping in a piece of paper with sweet nothings in my pocket to read later on if something bad happened during the day, or leaving me a rose beside my head on the pillow when I would wake up…He didn't do anything anymore, it was like he was in a daze the whole time we would be together. Kagome gratefully sang her heart out within the chorus with the back up singers.
"Cause IIIIIIIIII still love you like I did before,
I know for sure,
That yoooooooou still feel the same way I do,
If Only She Knew…Whoa…
But we were so HAPPY! Kagome willingly opened her eyes and watched the expressions of the crowd; catching many expressions of understanding from many of the women and awe from men; some were even moving with the tune. She couldn't resist the small that spread across her face at that moment. It felt good to be appreciated for something only she could create.
"I know she loves you and I can't interfere,
So I'll just have to sit back and watch my world disappear!
Ooooh, whoa…"
InuYasha was her world...it was all centered on him and him alone. He tipped it upside down and caused a mess when he left her. It was like as if she could never piece it back together and get it under organization again and orderly. InuYasha was...he was everything. He was her dreams, her inspiration, the reason she woke up for another day, he encouraged her to not give up on something she loves (Even if it's not in the most kindest of ways)...he was the reason she breathed. She felt so shattered and out of place without him...
"I try to help you out through the hardest of times,
Your heart is in your throat,
And I'm speaking my mind,
Noooo it looks as if it's over,
I'm still not over you…No, I'm still not over YOU!"
It was true, she knew deep within her heart that even if she could miraculously heal within time, her heart could never truly forget and move on from InuYasha. He was her first real relationship and first love…and had actually been expecting a proposal from him in the near future. She's had too much karma in her life for her taste. Ever since she had first met him as a freshman in high school, she had fantasies…fantasies that she had lived for a little over two years after college. A crush that lasted for at least eight years…
"Cause IIIIIIIIII still love you like I did before,
I know for sure,
That yoooooooou still feel the same way I do,
Cause IIIIIIIIIII will never ever walk away,
I'll find a way,
SHEEEEEE could never love you like I do,
If Only She Knew…"
It was as if her wishes and dreams had been answered for those two…amazing…years. It felt absolutely wonderful and time-stopping to be captured within his love and affection for her. She was lost at first glance and she knew it. She loved everything about him; from his great looks, gruff yet loving personality, to all of his annoying but fond habits that he seemed to always do out of natural instinct. Which was why it had hurt so badly to be replaced by someone that closely resembled her, almost as if her twin.
"Whoa, If Only She Knew,
Ow, If Only She Knew (na na na na, na na),
Oh, If Only She Knew (na na na na, na na)!
Yeah, If Only She Knew (na na na na, na na)!
Oh, yeah! If Only She Knew (na na na na, na na)!
Ahhhh, If Only She Knew…(Oh na na na, na na),
Yes, If Only She Knew…(Oh na na na, na na),
If Only She Knew…(na na na na, na na),
Oh, If Only She Knew…"
As she sang the last part of the song, she drifted on the last note yearningly. What if they weren't truly meant for each other, no matter how right it felt? Or did fate just loved to screw around with her life? Was this a sign that they were meant for two different people? Or did it mean that she was to remain unloved for the rest of her life? There were so many questions buzzing around in her mind, but there was one thing that Kagome could understand yet find it surprising…
…she was healing.
Standing up, Kagome looked among the crowd, watching as people clapped merrily at her song. But it didn't feel the same somehow…Kagome felt her heart squeeze tightly within her; she understood why it didn't seem as…heart-filled. InuYasha wasn't there…
Closing her eyes with a soft smile, she understood what she had to do.
And it all centered on a certain Kikyo Boukon.
Walking off the stage, Kagome packed away her guitar once again and placed it this time on her side instead. As she made her way towards the exit, her heart lighter, Jakotsu's voice made her turn back to her friend,
"Kags, you're leaving all ready?" Kagome let out the first confident smile in a long time, making Jakotsu stare at her with disbelief. She giggled and nodded confirming his question,
"Yes, Jak-chan. There's something I need to do." Jakotsu laughed,
"Yes, you're finally fighting for your man!" Jakotsu faltered when Kagome shook her head,
"Nope; actually, I think I need to make a formal acquaintance to my replacement." Kagome left the club, leaving a stunned and gawking Jakotsu behind.
Kagome was turning the corner of the block when karma played its part on her once again.
BAM!
"Oof!"
"Ouch!"
"I'm so sorry –" Kagome started as she dusted herself off and picking up her guitar. Kagome stared down surprised to find the woman she was currently trakcing down. The woman had yet to look up as she gather her papers and briefcase.
"Please excuse…" Kikyo looked up to trail off stunned as she finished faintly, "…me…"
Kagome waited as the woman, taller than her by merely the slightest centimeter, stand up and dust off the dirt from her work clothes. The two just stared at each other, nervous and awkward. Both of them eyed the other, easily realizing the differences between the two when up close; like when Kagome's eyes were blue instead of doe brown, to Kikyo's black straight hair to wavy black tresses. Kagome cleared her throat and held her hand out to be shaken,
"I don't think we've been properly introduced…My name is Higurashi, Kagome."
Kikyo looked at her hand with a bewildered look on her face. Looking up, Kikyo searched her eyes as if trying to find any deceit in her soul, apparently she found none for the next thing she did was clasp her hand equally strong and gave a good shake,
"Likewise; Boukon, Kikyo."
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-Owari-
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-Miss Artemis
P.S. – Boukon is a Japanese term meaning 'departed soul'
P.S.S. – REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!