Hope Anew

Chapter 9: A Long-Awaited Visit

"How's the raft coming along?" Hope asked as Sawyer entered the shelter late in the afternoon.

"You should come see it," Sawyer replied, "She's looking good."

The pair had settled into an easy rhythm after a few days of sharing space. Sawyer was letting Hope inhabit his shelter without comment, and she was grateful for the time and space that this allowed her. Most of the time they were out of each others way – Sawyer was busy working on the raft, and Hope kept busy working on herself.

She was starting to venture out of the shelter more and more, spending time with her island 'family'. She had even offered to help with the raft the day before; though she was refused due to what the group were lovingly calling her 'condition'.

"How soon before you'll be ready to set off?" Hope asked.

"Two days," he said. "That's the plan, anyway."

"I'm surprised you're still getting so much help," Hope remarked, remembering a past conversation with Walt. "I wasn't sure people would be so happy to lend a hand once word got out that they weren't on the crew."

Sawyer shrugged, "I guess they all want to get off this damn island, and right now the raft's our best bet." He paused before continuing, "Speaking of word getting out; it seems like nobody can talk about anything but you right now, Peaches."

"I know," Hope gave an embarrassed laugh, "I'm getting people coming up to me all the time now – telling me how great they think it is that I'm producing a 'new generation of islanders', giving me parenting tips – it's crazy!"

Sawyer laughed. He dropped his sweat-soaked shirt over the arm of the aeroplane chair and followed Hope out of the shelter for their end-of-day swim.

That night Hope sat trying to dry her wet hair in front of the fire at the caves. The beach crowd had just left, after listening to Walt read 'Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves' at story time. Even though she was spending her days at the beach; Hope always returned to the caves for story time, and stayed there to sleep.

"How are things going?" Jack asked her in Doctor Tone as sat beside her in the space that Claire and a sleeping Aaron had just vacated.

"Pretty good, I think," Hope smiled. "The dreams aren't as frequent, or maybe I'm getting used to them. I'm sleeping better, at any rate, even if I am still sick in the mornings! I don't know why," she said slowly, "but I think the dream has something to do with the baby."

Jack looked confused, "Any ideas about what specifically?"

"Not yet. I'm going to talk to Boone," Hope said with a confidence that sounded too forced to be real. "I'm going tomorrow. I've put it off for long enough now – it's time to face my fears."

"That's great, Hope," Jack smiled encouragingly. "I better let you get some sleep then. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Jack." Hope gave him a warm smile, "Thanks for checking in."

"No problem."

Hope lay down in her usual place by the fire, and found herself thinking about Boone. She was still afraid to go to his grave, but after spending almost a week hiding from it at the beach; she knew that it was time to go. She had spent a lot of time talking to Shannon over the last few days, who had told Hope in no uncertain terms that she had 'a support system in place should she need it'. She drifted into sleep, hoping that Shannon's words would be enough to get her through the next day.

Hope woke slowly in the morning, though still earlier than anyone else at the caves. She felt a dull emptiness in her stomach that she knew had nothing to do with morning sickness. She got up quickly, busying herself by filling water bottles and collecting fruit to eat during the day. By the time she set off down the path to the beach Hope was walking fast and breathing in a controlled way – slow and deep, trying to keep her fears from taking over.

Hope looked up only as she reached Boone's grave. She stood a good ten feet away from it, feeling the fear come creeping into her chest. She took a deep breath and forced her right foot forwards. One step at a time, she approached the spot where she had stood at Boone's funeral; and sat down.

"Hi," Hope said softly, looking at the sand beside her where she knew his face would be. She got a chill thinking about his cold form as he was lowered into the ground, and she shivered violently.

Immediately her eyes filled with tears, and Hope resisted the urge to hold them back. She remembered what Jack had said, and she was working with all her might to tear down the walls she had built around herself since Boone had died. The sounds of the raft group going to work were starting up from not too far away, and Hope tried to comfort herself with the knowledge that her support system was only a short walk away.

She took a deep breath and pictured his smiling face in her mind. She leaned forwards and whispered, "I've missed you… I'm going to have a baby – our baby." Hope listened to her frail tone of voice and gave herself a mental shaking. She was a grown woman, and it was time to start acting like one.

"Okay," she said forcefully, trying to will herself brave, "I came here to talk to you, Boone. I miss you. I'm sad. I wish you were here. I'm going to have our baby and I'm scared out of my mind. I have no idea how I'm supposed to get through this without you, and it basically terrifies me. But I don't want to be sad anymore – I'm so tired… I'm tired of mourning you, and I'm so tired of feeling so alone and afraid…"

Hope sat for a long time, crying by Boone's grave. She felt lighter after finally voicing these fears that she had kept silent for so long. She felt the heavy blanket of sorrow lifting slowly from her shoulders. A gentle breeze blew in from the ocean and Hope felt comforted. It was as though Boone had reached out to her, if only for an instant.

"Okay Boone," she whispered, "I know you can hear me. I loved you so much – I'm going to love you forever… But I can't keep on feeling like this; it's killing me. I have to let you go. Is that okay?"

She paused before asking quietly, "Maybe you could give me some kind of sign or something…"

Hope fell respectfully silent, listening and looking around her for some kind of sign from Boone. She sat for a long time before feeling the warm breeze on her face again. Her ears picked up, and she heard clearly from where the group were working on the raft –

"Let go!"

"What?" Hope sat up quickly, unsure of what she had heard.

"It's okay!" The voice called clearly; and though she knew it was crazy Hope was almost sure that it was Boone calling out to her, "It's okay; let go!"

Hope sat stunned, and smiled softly when the next sound to reach her ears was that of a sail being let out, and filling with air. Someone had been calling to let the sails go, and Boone was using it to tell her the same. Let go.

"Okay," she said softly, feeling a huge weight lift from her heart. "I'm going to let you go. I know that's okay. I'll come and see you again soon, I promise. I love you, Boone; I'm going to be okay."

Hope stood with a new feeling of warmth within her and walked away from the grave, towards the beach camp.

"Wow, she looks great!" Hope said to Michael, admiring how strong and seaworthy the raft looked.

"Hey, thanks," Michael said, smiling as he checked the open sails. "I think the sails are all set. Okay, Jin, pull them back up."

Hope watched Michael nod and imitate pulling on a rope as he spoke to Jin. He looked like the miming half of a charades team; and Jin would obviously make a good partner, because he pulled the sails up straight away.

"So, was it you calling to let the sails go?" Hope asked curiously.

"Huh?" Michael looked confused.

"Letting the sails go – was it you calling out the commands?"

"There were no commands," Michael said, giving Hope a strange look. "I let them go myself – we weren't calling for anything."

Hope looked over her shoulder towards Boone's grave in wonder. She had thought that he was using the others to send her a message, but it seemed that the message was just between them.

She smiled and shrugged, looking back at Michael, "My mistake."

Jin walked over to them and mimed eating, causing Michael to nod emphatically.

"Yeah, I could eat. Let's go see Kate, okay?" He nodded and pointed towards Kate, who was not far away, doing her part by setting up a makeshift tray full of fruits and cooked meat. "You want to get some lunch with us?" he asked Hope.

"Yeah," Hope smiled, "that sounds good."