My thoughts
I sit here thinking about everything
Training, friends, food, life
The funny thing is I just can't seem to think one thing at once
Everything just seems to whirl around in my head It's as if there's a crowd in my head
Screaming at the top of their lungs
As if there's a war going on up there
Guns blasting and cannons firing
The one thought that really stands out is life I start thinking about life
And at times I get depressed
Because so many things go on
And there's nothing I can do about it
Nothing but watch
Nothing but stand useless on the sidelines
Just watching
Watching all those I care for suffer
And not being able to comfort them
Not being able to reach out and embrace them
Useless
Completely useless
That's how I feel at times
Because in all honesty I am useless
I'm a good for nothing, lazy ass bastard
When I first realized this
It killed me
When people would remind me of my flaws
It killed me
But that was the past
Nowadays it doesn't affect me at all
Because I've learned to accept myself for who I am
I've come to realize that my flaws make me who I am
And changing myself would be completely useless
At least changing for others would be
I love who I am
Flaws and all
And I don't care if other people don't
Because all I need to survive is me
There is no need to depend on others for anything
Sure companionship never hurt
But I really don't need it
Because I've come to terms with life
I don't care if people like me
Or what they think of me
At least not anymore
Because I
remember that, a long time ago,
What people said really mattered
to me
That anytime people insulted me
I would break down and cry
And it hurt like hell when those insults came from those I cared about
It tore me up inside to hear all the things they thought of me
Every time they insulted me
Something delicate inside me would break
And after some time
I discovered that delicate thing was the trust I had in them
Slowly, ever so slowly, I learned that trust was something humans took for granted
That it was human to take someone's trust and shatter it into a million pieces
And then expect that person to forgive and forget
Impossible
Humans may be able to forgive but never forget
It's not human to forget things that cause us pain
Perhaps just put it aside
But no matter what it's always there
In the back of one's mind
Resurfacing from time to time
Reopening wounds once thought healed
Causing pain once again
And no matter how many times one tries
The pain just won't go away
It refuses to end the torture
That's why I trust no one
No one but myself
Because you can only be betrayed by those you trust
Therefore to avoid that kind of pain I don't I don't trust anyone
Nothing human that is
Because, unlike humans, animals are loyal to the end
I can and always will trust my animal companions with everything
They and only they know my secrets
Only they know the true me
Because no human knows the true me
The me they know is but a mask
A façade
A façade I designed to hide me
The true me
The me that hates
Hates everything
Everything that is human
Including myself
Because, to my great dislike, I am human
I make mistakes
I lie
I break trust
I cause pain
But unlike most humans I don't expect to be forgiven
Because I don't need to be forgiven
Only those who feel guilt need to be forgiven
I don't feel guilt
Guilt is weakness
I am not weak
Emotions are weakness
I have no emotions
At least the real me doesn't
Emotions are only a part of my façade
The real me would be willing to kill
The real me would kill without hesitation
Because only the weak hesitate
Only the weak experience emotion
Only the weak act without thinking
Only the weak break trust and expect forgiveness
Humans are weak
I may be human but I am not weak
I don't experience true emotion
I don't act without thinking
I don't expect forgiveness
Because I am not weak
Demons
Demons are strong
They don't experience true emotion
They don't act without thinking
They don't expect forgiveness
They are not weak
I am like a demon
Because I refuse to be like the human I am
Because I despise humanity
Because they are weak
Because they experience emotion
Because they act without thinking
Because they expect forgiveness
And I don't
I expect nothing from life
Because I know that life will never give to me
Because if I want it I have to take it
Whatever I want I have to take
Because it won't be given to me
And if I don't earn it I don't want it
And if I don't want it I destroy it
And I want nothing to do with humanity
So I will destroy anything human within me.