The Secret Diary of Harry Potter, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Number of Orcs Dudley's killed on his new game: 0 he can't get past the first one!

- I HATE SUMMER. Hate Dudley, Hate Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon, Hate Privet Drive, And Hate Muggle World! To make this even worse aunt Marge is coming to stay. Hate Aunt Marge, Hate her dogs, Hate having to be away from Hogwarts. Blew up Aunt Marge pretended it was an accident, now probably expelled from Hogwarts, am running away. Ron won galleons and went on trip to Egypt; Hermionie in France, some murderer escaped prison, blah, blah, blah! Got Knight Bus to Diagon Alley, Fudge was waiting for me…pompous git, but don't have to go back to the Dursley's and am not expelled from Hogwarts, get to spend the rest of the summer in the Leaky Cauldron and Diagon Alley. Shame they had to deflate Aunt Marge.

- Apparently rampaging murderer is after me, am going to keep this a secret till later then guilt Ron and Hermionie with it. Fainted on the train…stupid travel sickness, pretended it was the Dementors fault; new teacher believed me and gave me chocolate…I think he fancies Ron. Got owl from Wood telling me not to forget my broom as well…stupid git, how stupid does he think I…oh crap!

- Fainted during Quidditch match, really must get something for this travel sickness. Woke up in hospital with Hermionie, Ron and the Gryffindor Quidditch team…well apart from Wood apparently he was trying to drown himself…he really needs to get a girlfriend, but yay more attention! Nimbus has been shattered; I felt like taking an axe to that stupid tree…only it would hit me back. Asked Lupin if he could help me out with 'my problem'. He seemed to think it was something to do with the Dementors so am now learning barrier against them…hope it helps with my travel sickness too.

- Fred and George showed me secret way into Hogsmeade, got to go shopping and gloat over being rich and Ron being poor, Hermionie kind of a wild card. Went into pub and had drinks, but then teachers appeared so got stuffed under table…found out Black sold parents to Voldemort…git…and he's my godfather…even bigger git. SO ANGRY! HATE DUMBLEDORE, HATE HAGRID, HATE FLITWICK, HATE LUPIN, HATE MCGONAGALL, HATE BLACK, AND HATE EVERYTHING! Am going to go and sulk and hate the world for a while.

- Decided to walk around moaning 'Why me?' for a few hours each day and see how much sympathy I get. Ron disappeared but I found him sat behind the teacher's desk in an empty classroom…I never knew there was a Nell Fiends Auction at Hogwarts, probably Dumbledore trying to get more sherbet lemons.

- Got Firebolt for Christmas (GO ME!) Hermionie went and told McGonagall. Stupid know-it-all. Wood told me to get a new broom, gloated about the Firebolt, told him about McGonagall. He went to see her but didn't go as planned. Have decided to pester old Scottish Hag until she lets me have it.

- McGonagall let me have it, have very big black eye, but I got the Firebolt back too! Go Me! Beat Ravenclaw! Go Me! Fell in love with Cho Chang! Go Me! Such a good day almost forgot to be self-pitying. Fred and George threw winning party. Dumbledore posted reward notice about sherbet lemons. Ron got attacked by Black (stupid glory hog) am going to sulk for a while. Some best friend! Ruins my best day by being attacked by man that killed my parents.

- Hermionie's cheese ate Scabbers. Ron V. upset, can't be bothered to comfort him, Fred and George have nothing to do so they can do it for me, I have to be self-pitying, and it's a very taxing job, plus still haven't forgiven him for ruining my best day.

- Won House Cup! GO ME! Went to Buckbeak's execution, GO ME! Found out Sirius innocent, Pettigrew still alive and Lupin is a Werewolf. Knocked out Snape…BEST MOMENT EVER! Going to live with Sirius! Go Me! Travel sickness hit me again just as Dementors attacked was so ill couldn't save Sirius, fainted again! Lupin turned into Werewolf, Sirius saved us from him. Snape to be given Order of Merlin for Sirius capture…Dumbledore jealous so sent Hermionie and I back in time to save Sirius and Buckbeak, were successful, Snape really angry. HAHAHAHA! Ron invited me to Quidditch World Cup over summer. Now time to go feel self-pity.

Number of Orcs killed by Dudley on old game: 4 million he found the Internet cheats.