Authors Notes: Apologies for this taking so long : / Regardless, thank you for holding on, and remaining my faithful readers.
Dedication: To "Pig" for always believing in me without question or falter. "I'll be the harmony to every lonely song that you'll ever learn to sing…" ~ Nickel Creek
Until the Rains Come In – Chapter Two
"Oh you probably won't remember me, it's probably ancient history. I'm one of the chosen few, who went ahead and fell for you…"
~ Jan Arden "Insensitive"
From the instant we passed through the crystal doors of the grand entry, we knew we should've turned around. Rhonda's mother asked Jenny to remove her boots, her sharp snooty little nose abruptly upturning at the sight of her.
"Honestly! What type of raiment is that?" Jenny mimicked, laughing as we walked towards the party. "What the hell is raiment anyway? That lady was psychotic."
"It means clothing." I said, glancing briefly at all the tall white walls, crystal glasses, and chandeliers twinkling in the hot summer air.
"Helga. Why hello and how are you darling?" Rhonda said, shaking my hand limply.
Looking square into her eyes I replied, "Rhonda, don't give me little miss hostess okay? I grew up with you. It's great to see you." I smiled and handed her the present. "This is for you."
She blinked fiercely and then broke a warm smile. "You've changed since junior high, since P.S. 118." She took the bag from me and smiled again. "Thank you Helga."
Jenny shoved her hands into her pockets beside me as Rhonda walked away.
"One of these days I'm sure you'll explain to me why you are nice to people that don't deserve the gum off your shoe." She mumbled as we fell deeper into the room.
Heartbreakingly, I made eye contact with Phoebe only once. She had slightly grown and allowed her hair to grace her shoulders. She wore a red summery slip dress and looked as angelic and innocent as always. Somehow, looking at Phoebe made the vodka on Jenny's breath smell stronger.
In fact, that night I made spoke to several of my old friends. Each remarked on how much better I had turned out, but with each smile and compliment from them I felt guiltier and guiltier about Jenny, who stood awkwardly beside me and didn't say much. I felt myself wearing a mask. I had convinced everyone that I was completely approachable, stable, and sweet. Little did they know about the secret evils I lived daily. I suddenly felt as a large black spot on Rhonda's sparkling white walls. I grabbed Jenny by the wrist and walked over to the punch table.
"You've got them all confused Patacki." She laughed, "they think you're some sweetheart now. Ha!"
My insides lurched, ashamed at the life I lived, but I forced myself to laugh. "Yeah, you wanna get out of here?" Every smile I received was making me feel dirtier and dirtier. She was right…I didn't belong here.
"Yes! I've been waiting for you to say that all night."
I turned to say goodbye but she caught my arm. "Come on, they won't notice if you go." My heart sank…no they probably wouldn't.
Turning resolutely towards the door, I tried to catch Phoebe's eye one last time. Maybe I was lost. Maybe I was crying out for help. Maybe … I didn't even know. With as much graciousness and sincerity that I could muster, I thanked Rhonda's mother and stepped out into the humid summer night air. My mind was elsewhere as I collided with the blonde boy from my past. I must've been blind to not see him coming in the doorway but I stepped directly into his arms as he reached for the doorknob. We bumped heads rather sharply and both held our foreheads as we looked up…and met eyes.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled, looking down. I felt like a four year old with sticky fingers being looked down upon by an angry parent. I felt…ashamed. "Excuse me." I said as I tried to rush past him, but he caught my arm. My bare arm…and his warm fingertips twisted around my wrist…and I had to look up…I had to…and those eyes…those humble blue green eyes…. He was looking right into me…he could see all my embarrassment, all my fears, all my reasons for being ashamed.
"Helga?" he asked, shocked..but smiling.
"Yeah, move it footb…" I caught myself…I nearly laughed at my immaturity… "I'm sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going."
He laughed. "Wow. That wasn't an insult."
"If you don't let go of my wrist you're going to get much worse than an insult."
"Why do you have to be that way?"
"Be what way?" I could hear how defensive my voice sounded, but there was nothing I could do.
"Act like you hate everyone."
"I don't hate everyone!" I spat back. Hell, I was so afraid of him seeing how I truly felt … I had to push him away…it was written all over my face…my arm was shaking under his grasp…sweat trickled down the small of my back.. I was a wreck… clammy and cold….if he would just let go of my arm. "What I do hate are people who assume they know everything about you! Now move it football head!" the familiar insult fumbled out of my mouth like I was an eleven year old back in the classroom of my childhood.
Arnold's jaw tightened and he let go of my wrist. "Fine, you haven't changed." And he gently began to brush past me. He looked at me once more, his face inches from my own in the doorframe.. "and heaven forbid you let anyone in past your attitude." His eyes ever so slightly narrowed and he walked away from me without turning back. I watched as girls ran to hug him…as Gerald ushered him over to their friends…and as the blonde boy in the long sleeve navy blue shirt and khakis from my past faded into the other faces of the crowd.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well, he was a royal dickhead." Jenny mumbled, kicking a stone into the verdant green lawns of Rhonda's estate. We stepped onto the sidewalk, now wet with the evening rain, and felt the humidity grabbing us about the waist. The city always came alive at night with it's glaring stop lights and car horns, to the way the lights glittered in the high rises. The air was thick and the people were no longer rushing to work, but strolling in no direction but Anywhere…ah, the ways of New York.
"You said he was a friend?" Jenny said again, apparently discontented with my silence.
"Obviously not in his eyes." I answered. "Where are we going?"
"There's a party at Stinky's." she smirked as we headed towards the subway.
"No Jenny. No!"
"Comeon Patacki! It's just a little get together."
"Like hell. You know just as well as I do that "a little get together" at Stinky's means more drugs and alcohol than any human should consume in a lifetime!"
"Since when did you get all soft on me?" she laughed. We shoved ourselves onto the crowded, hot, subway and I clutched the silver ring above my head…like a halo….
"I'm not soft. I'm tryring to change."
"Why the hell change what isn't out of date?! If it ain't broke Helga, don't fix it." She laughed and elbowed me in the side.
"How in the HELL did I let you talk me into this?" I groaned as we walked down into the dark, moldy, stale basement of Stinky's.
"Stop acting like you're some saint and get over yourself. You know just as well as I do that this used to be your favorite hangout before you started getting all sentimental 'bonding-with-the-people-of-my-past' and high and mighty on me." She mumbled with a slight tone of anger that made me walk a little slower behind her.
I waved my hand in front of my face in a desperate attempt to divert the foggy haze of a marijuana cloud floating up the stairs. "Jenny, I swear, I could get high just by walking around down here."
She laughed, which slightly comforted me as we cut our way into the center of the overcrowded, dark, smoky, room towards Stinky, Sid, and Tyrone, a new face but just as tainted as the rest of us. Tyrone could charm a snake with his cool green eyes and coffee colored skin.
"Helga, you dressed up for me." He whispered, embracing me and already smelling so strongly of cocaine I imagined he had been here since early morning.
"Don't flatter yourself. Stinky are you crazy? It reeks of drugs in here. If you get busted there's no way of saving yourself." I said.
"Hey, cut the mothering shit and lets get this going." Sid said, teetering down towards the table, shoving magazines to the floor, creating a white thin line of fine powder in their places.
"Nice to see you too, Sid. I see you still haven't mastered the art of finding a condom for that nose of yours."
"You want me to bust your face Patacki?"
"You're so full of it. You can barely sit down without stumbling , let alone hit me."
"Settle you kids." Stinky said, taking a long swig of beer before speaking again. "The thing is Helga, I don't care if I do get caught. They'll bust Pop, not me." He grinned and sat down at the table. My chest clenched tightly. I didn't trust myself to get high tonight.
"Jenny, I can't do this. Not tonight." I whispered – my first mistake, Jenny was twisted already so she loudly proclaimed: " What do you mean you can't!!"
"So much for whispering." I mumbled.
"Sit down, Helga." Jenny said, sloppily trying to pull me to the floor.
"I can't…I …" my mind raced with any excuse, "I don't have the money for this right now. Next week, I promise." I shrugged my shoulders and hurried away from the table. Tyrone rushed after me.
"Helga. You know you can tell me why the hell you aren't over there right now." He smiled with enough clarity that I believed he wasn't as high as I had predicted.
"I just can't tonight." I said, reaching over to uncap a beer. The melting ice trickled over my sweaty fingertips as I clutched the bottle like a lovers hand.
"That's shit. What's the real reason?"
"I'm trying to change. That's the reason."
He laughed. "Helga, a girl like you can't just change. I mean, you and Jenny are the devil's duo."
"Listen to me, Ty. I woke up the other morning to the same old dark and quiet house I've woken up to for eighteen years. It's filled with the same aching memories, creaking steps, and unfamiliar faces I've known my entire life. I don't want to be in this city forever. I want more. And most importantly, I want out. Heaven knows I can't drink my way out. Although I would if I could. So I've got nothing left to do but pack up and get out." The words seemed powerful, floating out of my mouth and then hovering inches above me in a glowing trance. I owned them. I loved them, and I believed them. I would get out.
Ty looked at me a bit disbelievingly. Maybe he thought I was just like every other girl who had dreamed leaving this dirty lower Manhattan block. Hundreds of mouths had echoed the timeless lines "I want to get out" but only a few ever did. And those left behind, although they would smile and wish the departers goodluck, were left with heavy hearts, trapped in an unforgiving neighborhood …left with envy and malice for those who escaped. But mark my words, I would escape.