Chapter 1

Where the Mary Sue Gets Sorted Into the Lion Pit

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Disclaimer: Be very, very glad that I don't own Harry Potter… (Quicksilver's mind slides into the gutter. Splash.)

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When the sevensome got to the entrance, Draco and Luna separated from the Gryffindors to go to their respective houses. The remainder went to Gryffindor Table, choosing a seat in the crowded middle.

"Hey Harry!" Seamus called out, "Did you go to that Wasps versus Harpies match? It was awesome!" Soon, everyone was chatting with their old friends like the summer had never happened. Ginny was getting the latest gossip from Lavender and Parvarti, Hermione was arguing with Dean over the merits of Muggle football (hot, beefy sweaty guys wrestling with each other. Every fangirl's dream.), and Neville was animatedly telling some nameless third years about his greenhouse. Even Nearly Headless Nick was talking to Colin and Dennis about how his death had affected his sex life, while the brothers stared at him wide eyed.

The chatter from all four houses was disrupted and brought to a close by the sight of Dumbledore walking up at the front. He cleared his throat and smiled, his horribly twinkly blue eyes dancing in their sockets. "Welcome back to another wonderful year of learning! I hope your minds have been significantly reduced to porridge over the summer, have they not? Good, good!

"I suspect that you all are tired of me talking already, and since I have a slight cold, I'll humor you all by letting the first years be sorted! Oh first years…come out my pretties…old papa Dumbledore is waiting…Muahaha- er, Minerva, where is that hat?" He cut his sinister laughter off short.

Out trotted a line of ugly, sweaty, tiny eleven year olds, all squealing like spiked pigs and looking very nervous.

(Inner foxx: This is ironic coming from the author who was eleven just last year or so, hmmm?)

(Quicksilver: Shut up! I'm almost 13!)

Presently, they were all safely sorted away into their respective houses, where the older seventh years would soon beat the living daylights out of them. Just as Dumbledore was about to sit down and eat, Professor Sprout elbowed him in the ribs, and he hastily walked back up.

"Oh, yes, I forgot to mention, we have an- er…exchange student this year. She has just arrived from…America. 'ahem' (His cough could have been hiding an ill concealed snigger.) Well, because of her natural talent, she is in whatever year Harry Potter is in, as she has requested. She is also the new Head Girl. I present to you now… Indigo Ice Crystal Moon! (a.k.a: Mary Sue!)"

The school let out a collective gasp of shock as Mary Sue walked to the hat, her cloak falling away to reveal her beautiful features and body. Only some Gryffindors, and one or two Ravenclaws or Slytherins were not impressed.

"Whoa, who IS that chick?" Seamus asked in a hushed voice. Simultaneously, Harry, Ron, Neville, Hermione, and Ginny looked away and whistled.

Spotting Harry, she gave him a little wave, and winked. He managed a shaky smile back.

Please not Gryffindor…please not Gryffindor…PLEASE not Gryffindor… Harry had his fingers crossed behind his back. To be honest with himself, he didn't really know why he didn't like Mary Sue. She just seemed to rub him the wrong way. Her perfection was a bit scary.

Mary Sue walked up to the hat. Smiling, she put it over her head and sat down. This is what she heard:

Hmmm…I see you have a fine, intelligent mind. You also have a lot of love, kindness, humor, wit, bravery, nobility, courage, perkiness, humor, and every other good thing in the book. You can be irksome because of the fact that you are superior to everyone, but you are loved by all…Truly the perfect person! You have to go into…GRYFFINDOR!

The hall burst into loud cheering and applauding, loudest at the Gryffindor table. Beaming, she strode confidently to the Gryffindor table, and sat at the seat next to Harry that Seamus had used to sit in, but was conveniently empty now for the story's purpose. "Wow, Harry!" she gushed sincerely, "It's so lucky that I got here!"

"Erm…yeah. Okay."

The golden platters filled with food. Mary Sue scooped herself a small salad, and a few tiny slices of roast beef. "Ooh, this is so yummy! We didn't have salad like this in America!"

Ginny, after having heard all about Indigo Ice Crystal Moon from her fellow housemates, liked her even less in person. To the little Weasly, she truly seemed the epitome of evil. She felt a small twinge in her stomach as Mary Sue looked up imploringly into a very awkward and red Harry's eyes. Could that be jealousy?

(inner foxx: Augh! So blatant! No foreshadowing at all! (shakes head in sadness)

(Quicksilver foxx: Shut up!)

Luckily, Harry was saved, when a couple other Gryffindors started flirting with Mary Sue. He scooted closer to Ron, and whispered in his friend's ear, "Can she really be that evil? She seems like just a pretty, smart girl to me…"

Ron shrugged. "Well, Ginny's never been wrong about her weather predictions…maybe she got overexcited or something." Ron broke off the budding conversation by messily attacking a plate full of kidney pie, mashed potatoes, and gravy.

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Later, the sleepy students tromped upstairs to their collective rooms, to fall asleep in their comfy bunks. Mary Sue was puzzled. She did not want to use her multiple psychic abilities to find Gryffindor Tower, so instead, she found her new friend Hermione, to lead her to the dorms.

"Hi, Hermione!" she exclaimed brightly. "Do you know where we go?"

"Um…oh, hi! We go around this corridor here, than up these…oh, I'll just show you. Follow me!"

Eventually, they reached Gryffindor tower. Since she was the head girl, Mary Sue had her own personal room, with lavender carpeting, silky red bed coverings, and her own personal vanity closet and a Jacuzzi. Standing in front of the mirror, she took off her clothes, and examined herself.

She was as gorgeous as usual, her hair flowing around her body like the raven liquid night. Her legs were smooth, her arms were twiglike, and her body was soft and voluptuous. She knew a girl like her would have no trouble getting Harry Potter. Then, she would have him for her purposes…

She realized that she mustn't get over exited. She pulled out two swords. The one that was made of elfish steel was a gift from Legolas after she had helped him save the world, and was given as a parting present, when she realized that she needed to move on to other men. The other was the well used and much loved cutlass of none other that Captain Jack Sparrow, which he had bestowed upon her when she had saved him from mutinous soldiers, after a night of fiery passion. Taking both, she practiced her swordsmanship skills way into the night.

If she had her way, Harry would be hers soon enough.

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Harry, at the moment, was relaxing in his four poster bed, drowsy from all the good food. He swore sometimes that they put sleeping pills in the stuff.

Unexpectedly, Dean piped up. "So what do you guys think of that hot new chick?"

Seamus laughed. "Oh, you mean THE hot new chick? She's awesome. I wouldn't mind a tumble with her any day."

"She seems to really rate Harry," Neville offered. The other boys laughed.

"Yeah, so Harry, what do you think about her?"

"Ummm…" He was at a loss for words. "Well, she seems nice enough…and she's pretty, and obviously smart, as she's in our year, but…"

"But?"

"I don't know. It's just something about her. She rubs me the wrong way. It's like, oh I don't know."

"Well, I'll take her if you don't want her," Seamus said, amidst raucous laughter.

Presently, the horny teenage bastards drifted off, leaving Harry alone with his dizzy thoughts. Who was this girl? What made her so special? What dark mysteries was she inevitably holding? In his mind, he glimpsed a flash of flowing purple-black hair, and crystalline eyes. Blushing, he drifted off.

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In her bedroom, Ginny suddenly felt a cold shiver. Who was this stupid bitch? Why was she any different than her? What things could she find out about her to blackmail the little prep with? In her mind, she saw an oozing mass of mutilated flesh, with a few remaining strands of purple-black hair and the vitreous fluid from those crystalline eyes. Chuckling morbidly, she drifted off.

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There. What did you think? What should I do? I am totally out of ideas for the next chapter…-.-; Ah well.

Yayness! Six whole reviews! Keep it up!