The First Day Back
Hermione had always been an early bird. Today, for the first day of class, she practically bounced out of bed, humming "Toxic" by Brittany Spears to herself, and pulled on some random dorky shit that she couldn't care less about. Today was the first day of school! Once again, she could prove her superior intelligence to the rest of the world, and not only would she not get gagged and tied in a closet, but she would even get points and GRADES! Oh glories of glories! She had been dreaming about this all summer.
Skipping down the stairs and carrying her DorkSack (equipped for all educational emergencies. Includes pencils, pens, quills, ink, parchment, a copy of "Hogwarts, A History," lots of gum, an abacus, random smart people stuff, and a pocket protector. Licensed registry to Dorks R' Us, 2005.), she plunked down into a squishy chair and began to study, reveling in the quiet serenity the early morning had to offer.
Not for long, however. "Good morning, Hermione!" a sweet voice sang out at her.
"What the… Who's there?"
"It's me! Mary Sue!"
Hermione was puzzled. "Um…why are you up at three thirty in the morning?"
"To study! Duh!" Mary Sue giggled. "I value my grades as much as you do!"
"Great…"
"Huh?"
"Erm…nothing. Wanna study together?" Hermione pulled out a couple of Transfiguration textbooks.
"Oh, THAT old stuff. You're still using it? I'm in a special advanced curriculum because I'm so smart! I could transfigure blowfish into lobsters a long time ago!"
"What?" The Queen of Brains was slightly miffed.
"Let's just study out of my books. I'm sure you'll be able to get it! You being the smartest person at school and all… Catch!" Mary Sue tossed Hermione a heavy, faded tome, and kept an identical one for herself. "Now let's quiz each other!"
Soon, Hermione was practically sweating to keep up with the pretty girl's questions. So far, she had made TWO WHOLE MISTAKES (the horror) and now she was reduced to guessing the answers. Mary Sue, on the other hand, hadn't made a single mistake. Damn her.
"Hermione…what do you get when you recite the incantation 'blowfironus mortius grosssus,' but do the wand movement designed for 'jubstalpositun bigurybums'?"
"Um…."
"Let's move on to the next one. How do you turn a cowfish into a horsefish?"
"Er…"
At that moment, Hermione was saved from further agony because a sleepy Seamus Finnegan had wandered down into the common room, and was making a slight gargling noise while staring at Mary Sue.
"Eek! Hermione, look at the time! It's six thirty already! I have got to change out of my sexy blue silk pajamas into something less provocative and revealing before all the boys come down!"
Dashing with super athletic lightning speed, she ran into her room, and hastily pulled out a pair of black jeans, a dark blue sparkly tank top, cute shoes, her silk robes, and other random stuff that is added to show how beautiful she is and is meant to take up extra space. Then she applied dark purple lipstick and eyeshadow without managing to look like a totally fucked up Goth, but rather a nice, cute, totally-in-fashion Goth.
She then sat on her yoga rug and meditated to cleanse her soul and ease her spirit. But nobody really cares about that, do they?
…………………………………………………………………………………………..
Harry and Ron had gotten up at the same time, and were heading off in anticipation of their first breakfast of the year in the great hall. Waving at a few random celebrity stalkers, Harry mentioned, "You know, Ron, I've been thinking about Mary Sue…"
"Hn?"
"Somehow, she seems suspicious."
"Hn."
" We should probably try to discretely find out random stuff about her. You know, who her secret identity is, how to defeat her, who's her boyfriend, what she looks like naked, her cup size…you know, things like that."
"Mm hm."
"We've got to be very careful not to attract her attention, though. She's probably dangerous."
"Yuh."
"You realize that this is a one-sided conversation, Ron?"
"Hn."
"Let's go tell this to the other guys."
"Hn."
"LOOK! A NAKED GIRL!"
"Hn…um, what! Where!"
Harry shook his head in despair. Some people have no hope.
…………………………………………………………………………………….
Breakfast was a jubilant affair. There were plenty of treacle tarts, bacon strips, eggs, and whatever else anyone could possibly eat. Except for rat penises.
Harry and Ron sat down next to Ginny, and Hermione, who was looking extremely pissed off for some reason. "It's probably PMS," whispered Ginny. She didn't say it quietly enough, so Hermione, with a lot of savage pleasure, dunked the punch bowl over the Ginster's head. Ginny sat up satisfied and shook the orange colored gloop out of her hair. "Yup, definitely that time of the month again."
At that moment, a hush fell over the dining hall. Mary Sue was walking over to the Gryffindor table. Again, she plonked down into the once-again-conveniently-empty seat right next to Harry. "Hey guys!" she exclaimed with a beatific smile. "Good morning! Ginny? Why do you have orange snot dripping off your clothes? It looks kind of gross." She wrinkled her petite nose delicately.
Ginny turned red. "It's not snot! It's punch!"
Tears welled up in Mary Sue's eyes. "Oh, I'm so sorry! Did I hurt your feelings? Are you okay? Here, let me perform a spell to dry you off, de-curl your horribly frizzy hair, and get rid of that huge, passé zit on your chin!"
The whole table was staring at the littlest Weasly now. "It'sfinedon'tworryaboutitgoaway…." Ginny tried to sink lower under the table.
"No, usually I charge for my very advanced magic which is way better than yours, but you can have this one free! 'Alakazamaljgnahluhbaljnghqpuih'!"
With that word, there was a flash of purple hippopotamuses. When the sparkly toilet dusters cleared, Ginny was dry, in fashionable clothes, had straighter hair, and didn't have a zit on her chin. "Oh my god! This shirt lets everyone see my boobs!" She turned magenta.
Mary Sue beamed, and scooped herself three Fruit Loops. "There! I have healed the world, one witch at a time! So Harry, how did you sleep?"
Breakfast passed uneventfully for another half hour or so, until the owls arrived with the daily mail. Draco had gotten some eyelash curlers and diet pills, Hermione had gotten the newspaper, Ron had gotten a large goldfish for some reason, and Harry had received nothing.
Mary Sue, who also received nothing, looked anxious. "Aw man!"
"What?" Seamus asked.
"Geez! I was supposed to have received a package by now…I hope my bird Midnight knows the way to Hogwarts…"
At that moment, a huge, black bird broke through the ranks of owls and winged over to Mary Sue. It had silver eyes, feet, and a silver beak, and it was about the size of a small eagle. Dropping a slim package in the bacon, it perched on its owner's shoulder.
"Midnight!" Mary Sue squealed. "I've missed you so much!" Noticing the bemused stares of the rest of the hall, she added, "He's my raven. Ravens are just so much sexier than owls, you know? He has special telepathic powers with me, you know, like a familiar."
"COOL!" All of Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin (except for one or two people who stood back and whistled) gathered around to see the special bird. The long, skinny package it had been carrying was almost ignored, until Colin Creevy held it up, and obliquely asked the essential question in an awed voice, "What the fuck is it?"
That was answered soon enough. Mary Sue expertly unwrapped the slender package, revealing to gasps of shock from her audience…a broomstick.
"Somehow, I'm not surprised," Hermione muttered to Neville.
Dennis Creevy snatched at a piece of parchment that had floated down from the box and read it to the attentive hall.
"Dear Ms. Indigo Ice Crystal Moon aka Mary Sue, you are asked to be an honorary Gryffindor Quiddich team member and be a chaser because all the other spots are taken by important characters like the Weaslys or the Boy Who Lived. We have sent you this extremely rare and valuable LightningBolt Broomstick that is way better than any Firebolt and again, we beg you to please please please please play for Gryffindor on our team. Love, Professor McGonagall."
The broomstick was quite beautiful. It was a gray-blue in color, with silver twigs and golden designs running up the handle. It was everything you'd expect a cliché, powerful, magical utensil to be. Or a vibrator. But that has nothing to do with this topic.
Harry wasn't sure what to think. Yes, an new, talented member would be good for the team (falling behind slightly ever since the Weasly twins left) but on the other hand, well…having this supposedly great evil around him at all times was slightly unnerving, no matter how nice she was.
He didn't have long to ponder though, because soon Neville was telling him to move because breakfast was over and they'd be late for their next class. The Golden Trio headed over to the greenhouses for Herbology, followed with an exited Mary Sue, who was talking animatedly to Ron about their upcoming classes.
The greenhouses were just as Harry remembered them. Yes, the plants were a bit dried out, and yes, the Croaktia Vine he had planted had grown overly large and had started eating and digesting small rodents (Harry thought the fertilizer made it do that) but nothing had changed.
Even the watering cans. "Allright, ya skinking losers…er…seventh years," Professor Sprout called out. "Time to water everything. And I mean EVERYTHIG. Who set the faulty automatic watering charm? Stupid squib…"
There were groans as the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs whom they were working with staggered over to the pewter cans, which were heavy and two feet high. However, they were saved from harsh physical labor when Mary Sue called out, "Don't worry guys, I'll take care of it!" Suddenly, the greenhouse was silent except for a beautiful and mysterious voice that had randomly started humming from out of nowhere. Mary Sue's body glowed blue, and the blonde tips of her hair turned a green turquoise color. Her violet eyes also turned to an icy crystal blue. A stream of water shot out of her hands and watered all the plants, somehow missing all the people. "Hey! A plot hole!" Ron muttered.
"Wow!" Lavender Brown gushed, awestricken. "That was so amazing! How did you do it?"
"Oh, it was nothing," Mary Sue said, turning back to normal and blushing a pretty crimson. "I just have these super powers, you know, like I can control the elements, and that was my element for water…it's very taxing on my spirit and I need to rest every time I do it, though…"
Surrounded by a crowd of goggle-eyed students, she started talking statistics about her various element types, which included ice, fire, darkness, light, comet, passion, rock, wind, metal, mind, life, and time. Four Gryffindors caught each other's eyes, and mentally agreed to suddenly all need to go and get a drink of water at the same time.
…………………………………………………………………………………………..
"We now know that she actually is extremely powerful. Maybe she has some type of creature in her bloodstream," Harry said gravely. He, Ron, Neville, and Hermione were sitting in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, discussing Ginny's odd prophecy.
Ron was very pale. "Holy cow. That was really weird."
"Well, we know for sure that she's an evil bitch, right? I mean, not that we didn't know that already," Hermione said smugly.
Harry nodded. "We definitely have to tell people about this. At lunch, you guys should tell Dean and Seamus and all those other people, and I'll inform Luna. Just tell a bunch of trustworthy people, and maybe we can stop the M.S.'s evil expansion throughout Hogwarts."
Neville, who had been sitting quietly, perked up. "What about Draco?"
"Hn?"
"What about Draco? He heard the prophecy too, you know."
Ron grew red. "Malfoy is a slimy Slytherin, Neville!"
"Yeah, well, he's a really good kisser."
There was a moment of shocked silence. Then Myrtle poked her head out of the toilet. "What?"
REVIEW PEOPLE!
A couple of replies…
Taintless: I thank you deeply for your long, well worded, detailed and informative reply. Your words touched my heart and soul and are continuing to inspire me.
Freakeddddd: People who write in a hybrid of netspeak and real language are a continuous source of annoyance to me.
Roae: Yo, thanks, girlfriend!
Darkfire180: Heh, hi Kim. Yes, I am more perverted than baka chan.
Dragons Maiden: Yes, sorry the updation took so long… thanks for reviewing!
Runaway Kid-RK: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! NORTON ANTI-MARY SUE ALERT! GENIUS! GREAT, THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS STUCK…
Sennica01: Thanks for reviewing! I guess I'm finally updating… -.-; Me so lazy.
Enjie Yekam: Thanks for reviewing! No, Mary Sue isn't short for anything. Here on fanfiction .net, a lame, 'original character' made by an uninspired, cliché writer is called a Mary Sue. Mary Sues are boring, pretty, and totally copied from another bad author.