Chapter Two: New Beginnings on Old Foundations: In which Babylon reopens and Brian visits Gus causing a few emotional revelations to occur.
Two months, 5 days after Justin's departure:
J.
Babylon reopened tonight. I told you about it when you called last week, and I kept hoping that you would hint around about wanting to be here for it, but you didn't. Tonight, I kept hoping that you would surprise my by showing up unexpectedly, but you didn't do that either.
The reopening was everything I expected it to be. It was exactly the way I saw it in my head when Mikey dragged me here a week after you left for New York. You might be interested to know that I changed quite a bit of the décor to avoid painful reminders (both for myself and for those that were affected by the bombing). It didn't really work though, because I added quite a bit of orange lighting, which made me think of sunshine and, by association, you.
Fucking orange lights.
The partner thing was also a bit of a problem for me. Mikey was with Ben, Theodore was with Blake, and Emmett was with that guy he's been seeing for the last few months whose name I can't ever remember. Hell, even the hetero couples turned out in full force: Deb and Carl, Cynthia and her trick du jour, Daphne and her latest, and last but not least, your fucking mother and her adopted boy toy.
I wonder if it can still be classified as a gay club when there are almost as many straight people present as fags. Maybe gay clubs are the latest trend in hetero dating. I'll have to do some research on it.
But all of that is beside the point. Do you realize that all of our friends and family members are paired up now? When the fuck did that happen? I guess that while I was busy being paired up with you, I was too preoccupied to notice.
Do you ever think about our relationship that way? Do you compare it to the relationships of the other couples around us? I've never done it before, but being by myself gives me the opportunity to observe them, and I've had plenty of free time lately to think about it. Too much free time, if you ask me. I'm becoming more pathetic than Mikey.
Even with the on again off again nature of our relationship, we have been together longer than any other couple in our family, with the exception of Lindz and Mel who don't count because they're not here. We were also the first to get together. I feel like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone, because there is no fucking way I would have ever even begun to think about any of this in depth if you were around. Of course, I would be too busy fucking you.
So anyway, here I am, back at the loft at the ungodly hour of 1 in the morning when I should be in the backroom fucking my brains out. Why do I keep doing this to myself? You would think that two months would be enough for me to be over it by now, but I'm not over it yet. Maybe I won't ever be over it, and Mikey will get his wish of us being two old queens together in Palm Springs.
Save me.
B.
Two months, one week, three days after Justin's departure:
J.
I landed in Toronto today. Lindz and Gus were there to greet me at the airport. You should have seen him, Sunshine. You would be surprised at how much he has grown. He is tall and lanky like his old man and will be a heartbreaker when he grows up.
When he saw me, he came running with his arms thrown open. His eyes were wide, and his smile was so big I was worried his face might split in two. I realized in that moment how horribly I have missed him and that I don't want to wait another two months to see him again.
I picked him up and hugged him so hard, and he threw his arms around my neck as I lifted him up and held him tight. He giggled in my ear, kissed my cheek, and said, "Daddy, I've missed you. Where have you been?"
I felt myself begin to tear up, but I hid it of course. I think Lindz could tell, though, because she just smiled at me, like she knew something I didn't. I squeezed Gus one more time and then put him down on the floor. I started to say hi to Lindsay, when I noticed that Gus kept looking around for something. His eyes were darting back and forth and he looked as though he expected Santa to come walking around the corner at any moment.
I asked him what he was looking for, and he looked up at me with wide eyes and asked where you were. That was the second shocking realization of the day, that even my son knows more about how I feel about you than I do. He knows that we are a pair, that we belong together, and that something must be wrong if we are apart.
Something must be terribly wrong.
I had to explain to him that you are in New York and that you couldn't come with me because you were busy. He suddenly began to look a little sad and asked me if we were "avorce." It took me awhile to understand that he wanted to know if we were divorced, and I had no idea how to respond to that. It felt like he had reached into my stomach with his tiny hand and begun tying my guts into the "bunny ears" that he uses to tie his shoelaces.
Lindsay saved me by crouching down and telling him that we were still together, but that you had to go to New York to paint while I had to stay home and work in my office. She said that it doesn't mean that we don't love each other anymore. That simple explanation designed to clear things up for a five-year-old crystallized everything I have been torturing myself about for the last two months. For the first time, I truly understood that us being separated doesn't mean the end of us. I still love you even though we are hundreds of miles apart, and that will never change for me. And if I am going to give you the credit you deserve, I need to be able to realize that maybe that will never change for you, too.
Later, Lindz explained that one of Gus' best friends has parents that are getting divorced, and that Gus has recently taken up marriage counseling in his spare time. We shared a laugh, and acted as though a life changing experience hadn't occurred. I finally understand that I want to be with you, even if we live in different cities, and I shouldn't be trying to push you away right now. I should be trying to hold us together.
My five year old understands this. Why has it taken me this long to understand it too?
B.
Two months, one week, four days after Justin's departure:
J.
Apparently, the grass is not greener on this side of the border after all because there seems to be a bit of trouble in Muncherland. Mel is even angrier than normal because it isn't as easy to go from practicing American law to practicing in Canada as she thought it would be, Lindsay still hasn't found a gallery that is hiring, and Gus is still being picked on at school for having two mommies and, get this, two daddies.
That's right, Sunshine. During family week at school, he drew a picture of himself holding J.R. and standing between two women and two men, one with bright yellow hair and blue dots for eyes. I wanted to call you and tell you about it, but I still haven't worked out just what I want to say to you about all the emotional shit I've been going through in the last few days.
Today, Lindsay and I took the kids to the park just like we used to do at home. We sat on the bench and watched as Gus played with the other children while J.R. napped in her stroller. We played the part of the happy hetero couple, just like we always do, and discussed the problems in our homosexual lives. Well, it was more like the problems in Lindsay's lesbian life because I wasn't about to start acting like a dyke, too.
She thinks that she and Mel may have made a mistake in moving away from their problems, and that they should come home. She also thinks that Mel secretly agrees but won't admit it because of her pride. She wants me to help her figure out a way to convince Mel that they can return to the Pitts without her giving up her pride. She thinks I am the perfect candidate to do this because I am as proud (i.e. stubborn) as Mel is.
I told her that I wouldn't interfere and that Mel can keep her goddamned pride for all I care, but I was secretly plotting ways to do it. It is my new mission in life to get both of my Sonnyboys back home again, and I will do whatever it takes to achieve that goal. Even if I have to give up a little bit of my own pride to do it.
Now, don't go thinking that all of these emotional "breakthroughs" were for shit, just yet. I don't mean right away, of course. I know you need to spend some more time in New York to establish yourself, but I do want you home eventually. And I want Gus home, too. I've already missed so much of his life, and I won't miss anymore of it if I don't have to. I won't miss anymore of us than I have to, either.
Have you noticed that I have been writing a lot more in the last few weeks? Maybe Ben is right, and there is something to this writing thing after all. Don't tell him I said that, though. His ego is already almost as big as mine, and we can't have two top dogs in the same family.
B.