Chapter Three: Game Plan: In which Brian comes up with a strategy to get his boys back home.

Two months, two weeks, five days after Justin's departure:

J.

I've been working on it for the last few days, and I think I've finally come up with a plan to get Mel and Lindz to move back home. Of course, this plan also includes getting you back here as well. Maybe not on a permanent basis, at least for now, but long enough that I can get up the guts to explain all of these things I've been thinking about to your face.

I still feel the fucking hole in my chest, and I am not going to lie and say that it feels like it has gotten smaller. It doesn't. But I think having this new little project has helped make it less noticeable. I am able to get through the day without feeling depressed all of the time, and I think everyone can tell. Mikey has stopped looking at me as though he is waiting for me to fall apart at any time, and Ted has stopped offering to take over my meetings so I can "get some rest."

God, I am so sick of them acting like I am fucking incompetent.

But anyway, my plan so far is to lure you all back here by faking a wedding between Deb and Carl. I'm even planning to have some fake invitations made up to make it seem more real. I think that is a believable enough excuse and would be enough to lure all of you back here, but if it isn't, I am fully prepared to tell you that your mom, being inspired by Deb's example, has decided to marry her boy toy. That will get you home for sure.

Yes, Sunshine, I am going to intentionally lie to you. I hope you won't be so angry with me that you won't listen to what I have to say. But I have to do it here, where I'm comfortable, and where we have a history. Somewhere private. I can't say any of this to you in some unfamiliar apartment in an unfamiliar city, where you and I together doesn't exist.

I know this is completely fucked up, but I keep having visions of how this conversation could go. Sometimes, you are happy and okay with the fact that I've lied to you because it allowed me to give you the words you've always wanted. Other times, you are pissed off and refuse to listen to anything I have to say. I mostly see the happy visions, but I really believe that the whole thing is more likely to go the other way.

Of course, I have total confidence that my plan to get the munchers back in the Pitts with my son will work out. I am just not sure of what I am going to do once I get them here. If what Lindsay says is true, then they should be so miserable that they will be looking for any excuse they can find to come back. That means little to no actual work involved for me, but I would rather over plan than under plan, so I will keep thinking about it.

It would be nice if I could talk to you about it, in person, but then I would have to give it all away. Maybe I could tell you about half of the plan. It would give us something to talk about and provide a convenient excuse for me to call you.

Well, I never said I had this whole touchy feely hetero love thing figured out yet. I still need excuses to call you. So what? I only have one ball for Christ's sake, what did you expect.

B.

Three months, three days after Justin's departure:

J.

Okay, so I've been working on this almost nonstop for the last two weeks and I think I've got most of the details worked out. I even called you to warn you about Deb and Carl's "wedding" and told you about my plan to convince Mel to move back to the States. You thought it was brilliant, of course, and not at all devious, so I have high hopes that you won't be too angry when you realize you are also part of the plot.

Fortunately for me, the gang all seems to be willing to assist in this little project. So far, I have Deb's permission to use her as an excuse to lure you back here. I also have your mother's permission to use her if things don't work out. Don't worry, though, I didn't tell Deb about having a backup plan, so you don't need to worry about her thinking that you don't love her enough to come to her wedding. Emmett has worked out the fake invitations, so it will look legit.

Now, once everyone is here, we will begin with more deviant parts of my plan. First, I am going to give the people that rented the Muncher Villa a substantial sum of money to have a family emergency that requires them to leave the house immediately and move far, far away. Then, Ted has agreed to discover some problems in Mel and Lindz's bank accounts that will ultimately mean that they need a good source of income now. Coincidentally, that is exactly when Mel's old law firm will give her a call to see how she is doing, while slipping in a few well placed comments about how poorly the firm is doing without her, and how the partner that was assigned to her cases is not really doing what is best for her former clients.

If all of that doesn't work, I am also prepared to play the part of the total asshole as usual, and cause a fuss about them removing my son from the country. Especially since there are a few clauses in the agreement I signed giving up my rights that could make things a bit uncomfortable for Mel in the event that she wants to remain too stubborn for her own good.

As for the part of the plan that concerns you, I will pick you up from the airport and tell you that we are going home. Then I will take you out to your palace, hopefully scoring some points for sentimentality. If that doesn't work, then taking you in and showing you how comfortable some of the furnished rooms are and then taking you to our bedroom and explaining that I haven't decorated it yet because I felt it was something we should do together should work. That night, I plan to show you more romance than you would ever have thought me capable of. I even read half of a romance novel to try to get a good idea of what to do.

I borrowed the book from Daphne, though, so don't worry that my dick has shriveled up or anything. I promise it's still all there. All 9 inches.

So anyway, the next day, after you've made the visitation rounds and we've visited Babylon, we will sleep at the loft. Hopefully this will score some more sentimentality points, and will remind you of all the things you have been missing since you left. We can fuck in the bed where we did it the first time and the second first time and many of the other times after that.

Then, in the morning, I will bring you breakfast before I explain to you that I've lied to you, and then tell you most of what I have been writing in these letters: That I love you, and want you in my life, however I can have you, and that I understand now that this doesn't have to be the end.

At that point, I think you will stare at me in disbelief for a few minutes, laugh cynically, grab your return ticket, and leave me again without saying a word. I am only hoping that what I have to say will leave enough of an impression that when I come to see you in New York a few days later, you will talk to me, this time on your own turf and terms, and we can work something out.

So that is the plan. It will all begin in less than a month, but I think this is going to be the longest month of my life. I'm always planning these elaborate schemes, but I've never had this much at stake before. Hopefully it will all work out. I've never really been short on self-confidence, but when it comes to you, I seem to have less than I normally do.

B.