Chapter Four
Celebrate Refnali
The next evening, after dinner, Elizabeth Cutler sits in her room, staring at the blank monitor screen before her on her desk, trying to compose her thoughts enough to put them into words in her Personal Log. She has no idea what to say. Even this method of clearing her mind and putting her jumbled thoughts into order is not working and she restrains herself from striking the screen in frustration.
She is miserable. Her best efforts at coming to terms with what is happening to her meet with failure at every turn. During the day she has spoken to several of her most trusted friends; not surprisingly most of them are in Life Sciences. Each of them had advice, some of it really good, and none of it making her feel any better.
She reaches out, touching the 'record' button on the monitor. "Personal Log, supplemental." She stops, annoyed with herself at the formality of the words. These are, after all, her private thoughts. "Oh, hell, it's three hours later than the last time I tried this, and I'm still no better along.
"I shouldn't have had dinner tonight; it's just sitting like a rock at the pit of my stomach. Last evening I told Jim I was knocked up, today I told several of my friends, and swore them to absolute secrecy! The fact is, they have a lot of advice, and I can't use any of it!" She takes a deep breath, steeling herself.
"I'm going to have an abortion."
x
The words hang in the air between her lips and the monitor, and seem to gather themselves in an effort to strike back at her.
"I couldn't tell anyone, but I've made up my mind. I cannot have this baby; I cannot do it to Jim, to myself, or to Michael!
"There are plenty of ways of inducing a miscarriage this early in a pregnancy. One of the advantages of being a biologist is in knowing these kinds of things. Phlox could not even stop it by the time he found out.
"Hoshi might well carry through her threat to knock all my teeth out, but it is actually none of her business! This is between Jim and me, and ultimately just me."
She turns from the monitor, standing up. "Computer – pause." The recorder will pause indefinitely if she so wishes, and right now she cannot sit down. She paces the small room for a long time, so tense she can barely speak, feeling her stomach churning as the realization of what she has just said hits her again and again. Finally she turns back to the recorder. "Resume recording."
"I feel like a monster; like a real pile of crap!" She tells the machine. "They're right. This is a blessing – but I sure as hell don't feel blessed! I feel like …. like … like I'm scared to death! I'm drowning in this and no one will throw me a life ring because I cannot tell anyone!" She stops, miserable; then speaks directly to the monitor. "The worst thing is that I want this baby! Part of me wants my child – my son! Sometimes I feel like all of me wants him!
"I don't even want to have this abortion – to abort him, but I can't not do it! How can I bring a baby into this galaxy, how can I be a mother, when I am scared to death! The very thought of this scares me so much I can't even think!
"I'm not ready! I'm supposed to be married – for years – before this comes up! But the last thing I can see myself as is as somebody's wife! And worse yet, how could I possibly be a mother!
"A mother is supposed to want her baby without reservation! Mine did! A mother is not supposed to be scared out of her mind! So how can I think that I could possibly be a mother?"
x
Before she can draw another breath, the annunciation chime at her door sounds. 'For the love of God, just leave me alone!' she thinks. "Computer, stop recording."
Seriously considering pretending not to be in, Liz waits until whoever it is rings again before giving up. She just cannot bring herself to be rude to the unexpected – and definitely unwelcome – visitor, no matter who it might be. Crossing the room, she forces a monumentally fake smile onto her lips and presses the 'open' button.
Her false smile transmutes into a real one as she sees who her late evening visitor is. If anyone can provide a distraction from her miseries and an absolutely unique viewpoint, this person can. "Tia!" She exclaims with real pleasure. "Come in!"
The young Auran woman enters, the door sliding shut behind her. Not a member of Starfleet, she does not wear a uniform unless part of an 'Away' team. Thus, even 'on duty' in the Life Sciences division, she always wears 'civilian attire', and Liz frequently notices that it is strongly influenced by a particular Chief Engineer. This time she is dressed in a white blouse and bright red shorts, the combination a little shocking; particularly when set against her golden skin.
Liz extends her hand in greeting, but the younger woman catches it up, bringing Liz's hand up, briefly touching her lips to Liz's inner wrist in a traditional Auran greeting, a very brief touch of the lips before releasing her. Liz had never tried to copy the gesture, and it had never seemed expected of her to do so.
"Dampris qulara." Tia says in her curiously melodious accent.
"Good evening. What's up?" Liz asks, finding herself relieved and grateful for the company. She sees the Auran's eyes flicker momentarily to the overhead. "I mean," she corrects herself with a grin, "to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"
Tia was vastly excited, so happy she could barely find the words. "Heard I you about!" She exclaimed. "To visit wanted! I you to kimintiduun wanted!"
Liz grinned even more broadly, caught up in the Auran's infectious joy. "To what?"
"Kimintiduun! To, um, to…" She struggled for the word. "To … cangrintulite you."
Liz tried her best to work this one out. "Congratulate?" She guessed.
"Daai!"
"I'm almost afraid to ask." She really was – as she had sworn everyone she'd spoken with to strict silence. "Who told you?"
"Hoshi!" Tia replies as if the answer could not be more obvious.
"Figures." The one person as close as a sister aboard this ship, naturally she had forgotten to exact that promise. She'd have to correct that oversight fast – but later.
"Well, thank you. Come on, sit down." She indicates a spot on the bed, taking one herself. Tia barely sits still on it.
Liz can hardly miss the obvious; that her friend is thrilled! And when the young Auran is thrilled, she is as vastly enthused as she would be with any other emotion. Tia is much more excited than Liz can ever imagine herself being, and Liz can barely bring her friend back down to Earth, or Aura, or whatever!
They sit cross-legged on the bunk facing one another, talking with increasing animation, and it soon crosses Liz's mind that all that this evening is missing is pajamas! She recalls fondly that it has been a long time since her last 'pajama party' on Earth with her girlfriends, but if anything partook of the flavor of it, it would be this.
"On Aura, a time of great celebration this is! Family and friends, all neighbors; vast party it is! For polus, um, days can it last!"
Liz smiles, picturing a several-day-long celebration aboard the ship and making a mental note to make sure the Captain forbids it should their overly enthusiastic friend get that high.
"We generally don't attach that much significance to it."
"Significance!" Tia exclaims, her voice shooting up two octaves, so astonished she is virtually rocked back onto the bed. "It the greatest thing on the planet is! Before came the Silurians, sometimes ref – pregnancy a whole town celebrate would! Remember I a story once I heard; two women in Kasran found to be were! The Relatu himself to stop the celebration had! For five days did all work nyasi!"
Liz laughs, shaking her head ruefully, easily picturing it aboard the starship. "Oh, Captain Archer would love that! A five day party; screw work!"
"Daai! I him tell will!" Tia is partially off the bed before Liz can reach out desperately, grabbing her.
"Hold on; that's not what I meant!" She pulls Tia back down, having barely caught her in time. "I meant he wouldn't love it." 'I really must teach her about irony', she thinks.
"Oh." Tia hesitates, trying to take this in. "Anston. Confused I get. So scrambled your language is!"
Liz cannot help laughing. It is the best laugh she has had in days!
x
"So, when your celebration begin will?" Tia asks with undaunted enthusiasm.
"Well, it's called a 'baby shower', and I hadn't really given it any thought. I guess in round about eight months or so." Tia stares at her, shocked, and Liz cannot remember the last time she'd seen such a look of utter astonishment on anyone's face.
"Eight goslina!" She exclaims, incredulous.
Liz shrugs. "It's usually just before the baby is born. Girlfriends gather, give gifts of clothing, toys, whatever they think the baby or parents can use."
"What yexni – um, 'appropriate' is?"
Liz waves her off. "Plenty of time to think about that."
"But eight goslina?" She can barely comprehend this incredible delay! "How stand it can you?"
Liz shrugs. "You get used to it."
They sit in companionable silence for some moments while Tia digests this. Liz has to admit that she is, quite frankly, grateful for the silence, no matter how brief. Sometimes the Auran's enthusiasm, her joie de vivre, can be a bit overwhelming unless taken in small doses. This is particularly true when it carries others along with it, as it occasionally did. Briefly she wonders how Trip Tucker can manage. Then again, she does not love the young woman.
There is something refreshing, however, about dealing with someone who can become so unreservedly joyous. And then again, sometimes it was equally refreshing to be relieved of it.
x
"What like refnali being is?" Tia asks a few moments later.
Liz shrugs. "I have no idea." She admits after descrambling the question. "What's – oh! Pregnant."
"Daai."
She shrugs again. "I still have no idea. I don't feel any different. The only way I found out was that I was late on my period, which I never am. You can set any clock on the ship by my cycle. I won't even start having morning sickness for a little while, and I can do without that for as long as possible, thank you very much."
"Sick you become?" Tia asks, confused. "But why?" She had never imagined such a thing!
Liz smiles at her Auran friend. "You know, Tia, sometimes I envy you."
"Do nyasi. Envy you I do!"
Liz laughs. "You'll get there some day." The look Tia gives her is unfathomable.
"But …" Tia is clearly searching for the words, biting her lip in concentration. "When refnali a human woman is, feel she does it not?"
"Kind of, I guess. For every woman it's different. My mother swears it was the worst nine months of her life! My aunt Beth, mom's sister, says she barely noticed a difference for three months, and didn't mind it at all. She went through labor like dropping off a package. Dad says mom's screams peeled the paint off the Delivery Room walls! It's all 'relative'." She smiles softly at the bad pun.
"Did you …" Tia knows she is not getting through to her friend, and decides to try a different track. "Auran women when conceive, know it they do. Sense the life they can."
"Well, that's convenient I guess. But you're a biologist, you know all about this."
"Nyas. Study human pregnancy have I nyasi. And refnali I have been ailu, um, 'never'."
Liz shrugs, smiling indulgently at her friend. "Well, you're only nineteen, or twenty-two Earth, or whatever. You've plenty of time to think of a family."
Tia shakes her head, but her face reflects a barely contained sadness, and her enthusiasm vanishes as if turned off with a switch. "Nyas. Refnali Li edu misa ailu."
"Pardon?" Tia gives a slight start, realizing she'd spoken in Auran, losing her concentration for translating her thoughts in the depth of her feelings.
"'Pregnant I be can never'."
x
Liz forces herself to freeze her expression, lest her thoughts betray her, but she feels a chill flow through her body as she sees the barely contained sadness on her friend's face. Hoshi's angry words from yesterday morning come back to her with brutal force. 'I know one woman on this ship who can't ever have kids! She'd trade both her arms and both legs to have what you have and would throw away!'
She is vastly relieved she'd never shared her thought of aborting the embryo!
"Damn, I'm sorry. I didn't realize." Liz curses herself for her thoughtlessness. Tia shakes her head, waving it off.
"Nyas. Vas nyasura sei." She tries to pass it off, but her voice cracks.
"If it's nothing, why do you keep losing your English?"
Tia shakes her head, getting up off the bunk. "Anston li eda – um, 'sorry I am'. Intruded I should have nyasi." But Liz grabs her hand, preventing her from getting away, uncrossing her own legs and standing up. She makes Tia turn to look at her.
"Look, I'm sorry. I was incredibly dense. I didn't think. But don't go; we were having such a good time."
"Daai." But then she brightens again, as is her way; she can never stay depressed for long. Or is she using the joy to shove away the sadness? Liz is not sure. "Celebration we still plan must!"
"Nix!" She tries to wave it off. "That's not our way. Besides…" She is about to say that she does not want anyone to know yet, beyond the few that had already learned, but it is like trying to halt a deluge with one upraised hand.
"Know I do. But special this is! Refnali you are and thing there is better a woman for not!"
"I beg your pardon?" Liz says dangerously, her smile disintegrating. Tia stops, realizing her mistake.
"Um, anston, your language flibs in I sometimes make. Meant I 'thing there is for a woman better not'."
"That's better!" But then she reconsiders. "I think." She isn't quite sure. 'Where are you, Hoshi?' She thinks longingly. "I thought for a moment that you were becoming sexist."
Tia blinks, momentarily derailed. As happens sometimes, when her thoughts are derailed it is plainly evident, as it is now in her bewildered expression. She can at times be so thoroughly flummoxed that she can not return to her previous thoughts until the confusion is resolved.
Liz takes a deep breath, relieved.
Tia looks at her friend for a moment, then away, trying to resolve something; then back and away again, confusion mounting. Liz thinks to help, but decides she needs the valuable breathing moments. "Is that Shar-les … says … sometimes." She says uncertainly, struggling with the concept in a roil of confusion.
"That you're sexist?"
"I think … I …" She seems to be drowning in confusion. "Says he I 'sexiest woman he ever knew' am. But your tone it bad sound makes."
Liz laughs. "It's not the same thing – not at all. 'Sexiest' is a good thing, a compliment. He likes you. You turn him on."
"Turn him on?" Liz can see in the young woman's expression that she definitely does not get it. Sometimes colloquial or slang expressions, because they were so local even on Earth, were the hardest things for her to comprehend.
"Oh, no; I'm not getting into that!" She says emphatically. "'Sexist', well, that's not a good thing. To say someone is 'sexist' is not a compliment." She can see from Tia's bemused expression, and her clear struggle to work it out, that she is just not getting through. "'Sexist' means when one sex thinks it's above another."
"But many times Shar-les above me is, and sometimes he below likes to be. Occasionally one and then the other and then around or back and then … Is that 'sexist'?"
Liz grins. "No, that's calisthenics."
She barely manages to keep from bursting into laughter as Tia's befuddlement climaxes.
xx
Shortly thereafter, when Tia is gone, Liz finds she is feeling a little guilty about teasing her friend. It is so easy to befuddle the young woman that sometimes it is just too tempting, though she knows it is also unfair. However, much as she might enjoy it, she always managed to resolve any confusion before the discussion was over.
But this evening her mind is on Jim Cein, and the unexpected 'gift' he has given her. Hindsight is a wonderful thing; it shows them just where two educated and resourceful adults had fallen on their asses. Of course, she also remembers that that part of the anatomy had played a part in the afternoon's activities, but at least it had not led to her present condition.
And that convoluted thought is enough to convince Liz that she really needs to talk to a human friend. She wants to try to put some of this into perspective before she faces the inevitable: a meeting with Captain Jonathan Archer.
"Computer, resume Personal Log." The machine 'beeps' in acknowledgement. "Tia just paid me a visit, and it kind of almost made things clear to me – except that now I really don't know what to do!"
x
Ensigns Travis Mayweather and Jennifer Farber are walking down the corridor on their way to the regular Tuesday movie night in the Mess Hall when they slow, finding an unusual sight before them. Tia Anlor is standing in the middle of the corridor, motionless, seeing nothing, clearly so lost in some intense thought that she sees nothing at all around her. She does not move or even notice as the pair slows to a stop in front of her. "Tia?" Jennifer tries. The golden woman focuses on them, startled.
"Oh! Anston, I did see you not."
"Obviously." Travis says. "What's wrong?"
"Confused I am." She answers, distantly. But then she recovers, focusing on Travis. "Ensign Mayweather, how in calisthenics can one sex have?"
"With a lot of practice." He says the first thing that comes to his mind. Jennifer hits his arm with the back of her hand.
"Why?" She asks Tia.
"Pregnant Elizabeth Cutler is."
"From calisthenics?"
Jennifer whacks him in his chest, and then addresses Tia more directly, firmly ignoring the man. "Liz is pregnant?"
"Daai."
"Liz and Jim?"
"Must have been some workout." Travis quips.
"Will you shut up!" Jennifer demands; then more pointedly ignores him. "When did this happen?"
"I a few weeks ago think, after came aboard Mother McCabe. I Liz spoke to, celebration I would plan."
"Celebration?" Travis asks.
"Daai!" Tia says excitedly, getting back into the spirit. "On Aura, big celebration this cause would! Nothing to us important more is! Celebrations can for days last!"
"Days? Over a pregnancy?" Both women look at him with identical expressions that clearly say that he does not get it; something that in all fairness he cannot argue with them about, even though they then more definitely ignore him. At least Jennifer does.
"Dang right! Count me in!" She takes Tia's arm, steering her away. "Come on, we've a lot of planning to do!"
"Hey! What about the movie?"
"Oh!" Jennifer pauses, surprised to have forgotten. But then she comes to a decision. "Have fun. This is women's work!" They stride down the corridor, leaving a very bemused Travis behind. He stares after them until they turn a corner, and then shakes his head, wondering if he should be annoyed, outraged or happy for his friend.
"How do you like that?" He asks the empty corridor. "She's pregnant and so I get stood up."
"Who's pregnant?" A voice from behind him asks. He turns, finding Watkins from Engineering a few feet away.
"Ensign Cutler."
"No kidding?"