She's baaaaack.
Son of Uber Sue
"All rise for the honorable Judge Billy Bubbagonoush the Jackhammer of Injustice," the bailiff barked
There was a shuffle of feet and then the collective plop of a dozen booties as the judge strode up to his seat and sat down.
"Today we have the case of taking into consideration if a certain Original Character, an OC in fanfiction lingo is in fact a Mary Sue or an OFC, original female character," the judge read. "Will the defendant please stand up and take her place at the witness seat."
A young woman/girl stood up at a table and gently approached the witness stand, barely making a sound with each step she took. Her golden tresses of hair floated around as if captured in water like the Little Mermaid or like the not quite as glamorous and shinny locks of Galadriel. She walked slowly and thoughtfully as if drawn to the witness stand, ballet style on her toes, even more graceful than any Russian dancer. Maybe her grace was from her cattish nature, obviously seen in her Persian white cat ears or her angel nature, seen in her wings, beautiful swan wings. Unseen air and forces ran through her hair, shaking free glitter, or just really shiny dandruff. She opened her eyes, large pools of turquoise mixed with jade green outlined in silver moon, her pupils were star shaped, challenging the very stars in the sky. With each step, a perfume of jasmine and roses wafted in the air, a gentle bird song of a nightingale ran through the court room, the very earth itself…
"Goddammit woman! Sit down already!" the judge exclaimed.
A nanosecond later. "Seated."
The voice was delicate, weak in nature, like the trickle of a stream, like the soft cry of a baby robin, like the mew of a kitten, gently falling out of her blood red lips and pearly white teeth. Her eyes became teary, resembling even more pools, pools so beautiful that one could be drawn in and…
"Goddammit, I said enough with that woman!"
"Yes sir," the young girl-woman peeped up.
"State your name," Judge Billysaid.
She looked up at the judge and blinked her large massive eyes, the sound of her thick, black centipede like eye lashes striking together sounded like a person smacking together two soggy slices of bread. In the tone of a southern bell, she said to the judge, "My name is…"
"To the jury," the judge said, gesturing to the jury off to the side.
The girl-woman turned to them and gently set her delicate, milky white hand against her bosom. Her fingers were delicate, tiny as if carved from porcelain. She smiled and blinked her eyes a couple of times. She smiled at the jury, parting her waxy red lips, revealing pearly white teeth, beautiful perfect, the wet dream of all dentists, albeit she had a piece of spinach stuck between her front teeth, but still, she had nice teeth.
"Get on with it!" the judge snarled. The girl woman spoke quickly.
"My name is Aurora Helena Celestia Rodriguez Anathema Pangaea Aloysius Netherlandsferguson Othellaluella Tuberculosis Hemriosis Ernesthemmingway Rhodendrum Felicity-Angelica Nigeria Galacticastarbattle Isis Rubella Lionheart Hothar Ellis Lulu Lala Shaquwaffa Poshspice Andererson Winnebago Norwaygian Canadia Retro Eeaglefeather Ariel TenaciousC Indigo Onesty Netspeaka—"
"OH MY GOD! MY FINGERS! THEY'RE CRAMPING!" the stenographer exclaimed. Her fingers were deformed, cracked and swollen as someone had taken a hammer and smashed each knuckled individually.
"Hey! I'm not done yet!" she exclaimed, her face burning beet red.
The judge sighed. "Go take fifteen minutes Yvette. Send in the intern. She needs practice. And tell if she writes in netspeak again she's gonna get beaned."
"Is there a nick name you go by?"the Judgeasked.
She chewed on her fingernail for a moment. Despite the loud chomping, her fingernail came out unharmed. Her ears pricked and the sound of silver bells echoed through the room.
"Bubbles! 'Cause I'm so gosh darn bubbly cute! And I blow bubbles. And I like bubbles. And bubble baths. And bubble gum."
A juror stated from the back of his throat. "So was Teddy Ruxpin But that didn't stop me from gouging his eyes out with a metal spoon."
"All right…Bubbles," the judge said. "Tell us how you began life."
Bubbles brushed at her lap and thought for a moment. A cloud bubble formed above her head.
"I began life over sixteen years ago."
"You're sixteen?" another juror asked.
"Yes. I know I look about twenty-one…ish, but I'm really sweet sixteen," Bubbles said, her cheeks turning rose bud pink. She fluttered her eyes.
"Prostitot," the first juror huffed.
"Aw great, now I forgot what I was doing," Bubbles exclaimed. "Oh poo."
"You were just beginning to say where your life began," a unicorn said from her defense table.
"Oh yes! Thank you Princess Feathermoon Sprinkles of Silvermoon Lake!" Bubbles exclaimed. The unicorn reared up on her hind legs, neighing, lighting pouring from her celestial horn. She bound over the table, over the jurors, and out the door.
"God dammit! Who let the animals in here?" the judge exclaimed. He turned to Bubbles. "You don't have anymore those do you?"
"What unicorns?"
"No, pets."
"Yes, I've got a talking winged kitty, and silver wolf with gold eyes I saved from an ogre, a little talking dragon who only spouts smoke, a dolphin who does tricks and swims with mermaids, a white Pegasus that lets only me ride it, and a unipegasus with a purpley pink mane, and a pet lion who looks just like Simba but is white, and a black horsy, and a cute golden retriever that listens only to me and knows who the baddies are and…."
"Dammit woman, do you have them on you?" the Judge snarled.
Bubbles pouted.
"Let 'em go."
A stampede of animals raced out from the witness stand and out the door. Bubbles sadly waved good bye.
"Continue," the judge ordered sternly.
"Sixteen years ago I was the love child of a very young Snape and Bulma, who came across Snape when the dragon balls inexplicably sent her to Hogwarts after she made a wish to be a Saiyan so she could be with Vegeta, but she was dubbed too powerful for the DBZ universe. While at Hogwarts, she had ingested some magic potion that briefly turned her into a cat girl. Lord Voldemort and the Great Evil Dragon upon discovering my birth, hunted me down, so Snape and Bulma let me go, using the power of the Dragon Balls to send me to another world, the world of Middle Earth where I was raised by an Elven…"
"Elfin," the juror spoke up.
"What?"
"Elfin, the correct term is Elfin. Elven is an American corruption of the British term for made by or appearing Elfish in nature."
"Okay, I was raised by a beautiful powerful Elven princess/warrior/archer/sorceress until I was ten, then I fought along side Legolas, and we proclaimed our love for each other, but Sauruman tried to kill me because of my power which I had gained when I discovered the hidden tenth ring even more powerful than the One Ring which combined with my soul and sent to another dimension when I proved too powerful for him to kill," Bubbles said. "Sauruman sent me to modern day America where I teamed up with X-Men for a brief amount of time. I was forced to leave to keep my team safe. My power was too dangerous and my friends were in danger because many people wanted to use the source of my power to destroy the world so I was forced to leave. I went soul searching for a year in Japan, the home of my birth, where I freelanced as a painter/dancer/sumo wrestler/cryptologist/report/proctologist, I discovered I was the missing Sailor Scout, Selena's Older Sister who was reincarnated as Bulma and Snape's daughter, Sailor Sol. I fought in Japan for a while, after which I returned back to the United States where I was an honored member of the BPRD. I met the love of my life while working against a great and ancient evil, that awoken to seek me out. Hellboy and I shared a wonderful love life and we had a daughter together," Bubbles said.
"THAT'S A LIE!" a shout came from the seats.
"OH MY GOD, MY FINGERS!" the stenograph screamed. Everyone faced the stenograph and her red pulsing fingers.
"Send in another stenographer," the judge moaned. People turned their heads to face the loud voice earlier.
Hellboy stood up, putting stone finger at Bubbles. "I don't know who the hell she is, where she came from, what' she's doing here, and we definitely sure as hell did not have a kid together!"
"YES WE DID!" Bubbles screamed back. She turned to the judge, glistening tears pouring from her large eyes.
"We had a beautiful baby daughter, Lilith Icy Lullaby Susanna Utena Elaine. She was ten pounds at birth," Bubbles cried. "We nicknamed her 'Skittles'. And he!" She points a trembling finger at Hellboy. "He won't come to see her! He ignores her. Look at her! She his child! And he hates her! She needs him!"
Bubbles held Skittles up to the crowd. Lions roared in the background.
"She is beautiful, I nearly died giving birth to her," Bubbles said, tears pouring from her eyes.
"You do know that that's a sack of potatoes, with a face drawn on it," the judge stated. "A dirty stack of potatoes."
Bubbles clutched the ten pound bag of Idaho home grown potatoes against her chest. "SHE'S ONLY DIRTY BECAUSE HE WON'T PAY CHILD SUPPORT!"
"Will you sit down, Bubbles! And give those potatoes back to the cafeteria; they need those to make potato salad for luncheon today. Send up any witness to prove or refute, this original character's statements. Or just have something to say."
Two boys wearing robes and polo shirts walked up the witness stand and stand down.
"State your names," the judge said tiredly.
"Harry Potter."
"Draco Malfoy," the blonde haired boy stated bitterly.
"And what do you have to say about this OC over there," the Judge said, gesturing to Bubbles. At that, she smiled boldly, light flashing off her teeth like sunbeams hitting aluminum.
"OH MY GOD, MY EYES!" the third stenograph screamed and fell out her chair...seizing on the floor.
Harry Potter crossed his arms. "She randomly appeared, claiming that He Who Must Not Be Named was after her as well."
"You mean Lord Voldemort?" Bubbles spoke up.
Wolves howled in the background. Thunder clapped and horses whinnied. The workman fell out of the ceiling tiles in the back.
"Be quiet you little prostitot!" the judge roared. "Continue."
"She just showed up raised bleeding hell, claiming that if we joined our powers in love, we can defeat him," Harry explained. "I never saw her once use any of her powers, she just hid, a lot, and was always in weird places. I go to draw a bath, Boom! There she is."
"Moaning Myrtle?" Bubbles spoke up.
"No, you!" Harry exclaimed.
"Then she approaches me telling me she can melt my cold heart. She sends me flowers and puppies and poems, and talks about all these times when 'we' went out and I did something complete OOC, out of character, like save a baby unicorn!" Draco exclaimed. "If I get another Bubbles and Draco 4-ever letter from her I will turn her into the largest pustule ever to be found on a newt!"
"Then when that fails, she tries hooking us up!" they both exclaimed together.
Harry turned to Bubbles. "Vile beast, why don't you go bother someone else!"
"Because there is not one else but you two!" Bubbles exclaimed back, opening her arms.
Ron Weasley sighs sadly from the stands and twiddles his thumbs.
The judge tapped down his gavel. "Order! Order in the court! We will send the jury out for deliberations on whether you are or are not a Mary Sue."
The foreman, a brown haired woman stood up, and spoke, "We the jury within two seconds of the court hearing and upon seeing the defendant, have suspect and feel that the defendant is in fact and inarguably a Mary Sue."
"WHAT?" Bubbles screamed. "I'm not a Mary Sue!"
The police took both her arms and dragged her away, kicking and screaming. "I'm I'm I'm not a Mary Sue! Don't get rid of me! Who else can travel through time, fight off monsters, has incredible karate skills, and magic skills and is a sailor scout! Who else has all those powers to save the world?"
"Chuck Norris!" a juror shouted out.
The doors slammed shut like thunder. The muffled cries of Bubbles could be heard. The judged fixed his toupee, and tapped his papers on the desk.
"Next case, Margolo Blu versus the board of Fanfiction dot net on an unlawful removal of a story," the bailiff stated.
Margolo Blu walked into the courtroom and sat down at her table. The fanfiction table, however, remained untouched.
Several moments of silence, as everyone watched the table.
"Where the hell is the administration?" the judge exclaimed. "Didn't they get the email we sent them?"