Chapter Forty-Four: I Fall As Hard As I Try
Brooke groaned as some salad dressing flicked onto her English notes. Roughly wiping it off with a paper napkin, she prayed that it wouldn't leave a mark.
'Haley will kill me' she thought to herself as she looked at the result. Fortunately there was only a small stain over a couple of non-important words like 'the' and 'personification'. She hoped that Haley wouldn't be too mad at her. She was well aware of how anal the married teen was about her notes… and her filing system.
Brooke looked at her huge ringbinder folder sitting next to her with random pieces of papers stuffed inside and poking out. She cringed and decided she'd better hide it before Haley showed up and gave her yet another organization lecture.
After she put the folder onto the spare seat beside her, she wondered what was taking Haley so long. They had arranged to meet up twenty minutes ago so Haley could help Brooke with her English essay, but as of yet, the girl still hadn't showed up.
'And she thinks I'm unorganized' she huffed as she checked her teeth in the skewed reflection of a spoon. In mid-reflection-checking, she spied a good-looking guy on the opposite end of the food court checking her out. She flashed him a flirty smile and he stood up with the presumed intention of going over to Brooke.
She quickly began to panic as she realized that the food she'd been eating had contained onions. She cursed under her breath as she began rooting through her bag for some gum. Brooke eventually found a stray stick of spearmint at the bottom of her bag, and though she had suspected had been there for some time, she unwrapped it and stuck it in her mouth, chewing as furiously as she could.
Eventually a figure stood in front of her and she prepared her best smile as she whipped her head around to see…
"Sarah." Brooke didn't hide her surprise nor her disgust as her jaw tightened the moment she said the girl's name. Her eyes floated from the blonde's tussled hair down to the swelling belly barely covered by the t-shirt she was wearing.
Sarah noted where Brooke's gaze was fixed and the horrified expression on her face, "Don't worry. The father's not who you think it is." She told her.
Brooke seemed relieved momentarily but she replied with a cool, "Oh," before looking away and pretending to be interested in her work. Sarah took a deep breath.
"Listen… do you mind if I sit down?" she asked. Brooke looked up at the hussy who'd started this whole mess to begin with and sighed.
"I'm expecting a friend." Her reply was curt.
"I won't take long and it's important," Sarah explained. "Plus, my current situation kind of hurts my ankles." She offered a tight smile. Brooke glanced around for any sign of Haley and decided that it would be okay – as long as Sarah was quick. Plus, who was she to deprive a pregnant woman of a chance to rest her swollen ankles?
She kicked out the chair opposite her as a welcome for Sarah to sit down, but made sure her expression remained emotionless.
"How far along are you?" Brooke asked crossing her arms over her chest. The curiosity was killing her – along with another burning question.
"Six and a half months." Sarah replied caressing her protruding stomach. It had taken her a while to embrace and come to terms with her impending motherhood and forced to young woman to grow up fast. "And don't worry, you don't know the father."
"Do you know the father?" Brooke's reply was admittedly scathing but she was sure she deserved it. Sarah rolled her eyes slightly.
"I was expecting that, Brooke."
"Don't say my name."
Sarah bit her tongue and gave a gracious nod, respecting the brunette's wishes. "Anyway," Sarah began again, "I know the father and he was "The father was fully supportive of it for all of five minutes before he freaked and ran away denying all responsibility and blaming some other guy I may have slept with. And, y'know, he had a point because I'm not exactly the most faithful of people and my reputation does precede me. People look at me and I know they're thinking I got exactly what I deserved. Poor Sarah Ford, got knocked up by some random guy. But it wasn't like that. I fell in love for the first time but because of karma or whatever, I ended up losing it because I hurt people. Which is why I came to see you. I know you're one of the people I hurt."
"You didn't hurt me. Lucas did by cheating to me and lying about it. Although you're not exactly far from the blame either." Brooke spat back.
"Most guys – you can tell when they're in love and when they're not. Those who aren't – which is most of them – spend most of their time checking other girls out and making comments about them while they think their girlfriend isn't looking. And those are the guys that won't even think twice before sticking their tongue down your throat. Even the ones who claim that they're so in love just assume it's okay and that they'll get away with it somehow. High school is filled with lust and sex and desire. It's filled with just about anything but love. I mean you see it in the halls everyday. The cheerleaders who are head-over-heels and crushing on whatever guy is hot this week. The 'lovebirds' who hold hands in public but barely glance at one another when they're alone. The girls sobbing in the bathroom because their ex is now dating a prettier girl. None of that is love. That's just… high school. I know what love is. I felt it and I lost it. Before I thought you grew into love or something. That is was something you couldn't even comprehend until you've spent your teen years pretending you have."
"Not to interrupt the insightful and epiphanic speech you have going on there – but where are you going with this?" Brooke had begun to get impatient.
"Your boyfriend… Lucas? He loved you. I thought he was just hung up on you and that maybe after he had a few drinks in him, he wouldn't even remember your name. But he did. Throughout those forty minutes where I was shamelessly throwing myself at him he was just talking about you. It kind of made me jealous because here was this guy who wasn't really giving me a second glance and was obsessed by this girl – by you."
"Look, I know this story." Brooke began, holding up a hand to show that she wasn't really interested in relieving the whole ordeal.
"No you don't. That night… nothing happened." Brooke stared at her. "I made him go into that room. I made him sit on that bed and I'm the one who took off the clothes. He was so drunk he could barely sit up – let alone get anything up." The brunette looked away, unsure of what to think. "And he kept calling of for you; his Brooke. We were there for, like, ten minutes before your friends came and took him."
"So why did you lie?" Brooke asked.
"I was embarrassed that he didn't want me. Plus, I thought that I'd get my kicks by watching a relationship fall apart. It was wrong of me, I know. The thing is, by the time I realized how stupid I had been, it had kind of blown up. By then you knew, the whole school knew, and you'd already broken up. Although no-one besides you and your friends knew it had been me. Thanks for that."
"It wasn't for you." Brooke snapped.
"I know— but thanks. If it's any consolation, I still feel horribly guilty for going along with it. I guess I just hoped that it was just an obsessed guy but from the way you looked at me that day you confronted me and how your friends tried their best to protect you, and from those weeks where all I heard in school was about the two of you… I gathered that it just might have been something more."
Sarah hoped that Brooke would say something to her. Instead, the brunette inhaled sharply and never made eye-contact, deciding instead to nervously tear up a paper napkin. Drumming her fingers lightly on the table, Sarah thought that it would be best for her to leave. The chair scraped backwards as she stood up, a hand gently supporting her unborn child.
"That's all I wanted to say," she told Brooke, "Thank you for hearing me out." She waited a moment to see if Brooke would say something to her about it but when she didn't, Sarah simply turned and began to walk away.
Brooke's eyes slowly went from looking down at the table at her hands busily destroying a napkin to the other woman leaving the food court and disappearing around the corner. Growing bored of the napkin; she pushed the tattered remains across the table and leant back in her seat. She closed her eyes briefly to try and think of what she should do next.
Then, gathering her belongings as quickly as she could she weaved her way through the scattered tables and chairs of the foot court and tried to find the nearest bathroom.
As she did, she tried to make sense of Sarah's revelation but her mind was set in a tailspin of various thoughts and memories of the past year.
The pain. The heartbreak. The humiliation.
The fights, the tears, and the many sleepless nights she lay in her bed wishing that it had all been a bad dream.
Awkward moments, stolen glances, and the occasional brushes of skin that never failed to send shivers down her body.
Unanswered letters, boxes full of memories, and promises of friendship.
Sitting alone by his hospital bedside, her rejected confession, and the night at Duke.
The new boyfriends and girlfriends, Christmas and Thanksgiving.
They all began to blur together as she swung the door of the bathroom open, dropped her bags and knelt in front of a toilet emptying the contents of her stomach.
She waited a few moments to catch her breath and stop the shaking. Finally building enough strength to reach up to pull the handle down and to pick herself up from the floor.
Brooke moved gingerly out of the cubicle and towards the sink, her knees feeling a little weak. She slashed ice cold water over her face, wiping the droplets off with a rough paper towel and smudging parts of her make-up in the process.
She looked at the distressed figure in the reflection in the mirror.
One more image flashed in her mind.
The way he'd smiled down at her that evening on the balcony of Tric and wished her a happy birthday after she'd forgiven him.
"Hey, are you okay?" a teenage girl, a few years younger than her, asked. She had been in the cubicle besides Brooke and had heard the sounds of vomiting.
Brooke tried her best to form a coherent answer.
Instead, she burst into tears.
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Haley did another scout around the food court, and frowning when she couldn't find her friend anywhere near their agreed upon meeting point. She knew she was almost thirty minutes late but Nathan had taken the car and the bus had been late.
She stood on tip-toes to see f she could spot Brooke above the heads of the other shoppers wandering around but it was no use. She was at least a foot shorter than most people there.
Deciding she'd check out Brooke's favorite store, she turned in the opposite direction and headed towards Suburban Filth, walking alongside a group of freshman girls busily discussing gossip.
"Excuse me!" Haley remarked bitterly as one bumped into her. She merely flicked her hair and mumbled an apology. Haley rolled her eyes as they entered the same clothing store. She'd just keep out of their way.
"I can't believe you, Veronica," one of the girls said to her friend, "You actually stayed with that girl?"
"Well, yeah," Veronica tucked looked through a bunch of clothes, "I felt kind of bad for her. She was all upset."
"Did she tell you why?" another friend asked. Veronica shrugged.
"No. She was too upset to talk. I just handed her tissues and let her borrow my make-up. But she was puking before, so I guess she might be pregnant."
"Or anorexic."
"No, you idiot. Anorexia is where you starve yourself. Bulimia is the puking one."
"Well, whatever. I feel sorry for her. She's a senior at THHS."
"Oh yeah. One of the cheerleaders right?" Haley's ears pricked up at the mention of 'senior' and 'cheerleaders'.
"Explains the bulimia."
"And if she's pregnant, she's pretty much screwed."
"Hey! Is that the one who had that big break-up with that Scott brother?" one of them asked.
"I don't know. Which Scott? The tall, dark-haired one is pretty hot." Haley growled under her breath.
"I think it's definitely the one who dated the other brother. She's like head-cheerleader. Hey, Veronica! Maybe she'll remember you and put you on the squad! Y'know since you helped her and all?"
Veronica couldn't answer because Haley had made her way to the group.
"Hey," she said, suddenly blushing when all five of them looked at her at once. "Um… I didn't mean to listen in, but you were talking about a girl crying the bathrooms? A little taller than us, dark brown hair… pouty lips?"
"Yeah…" Veronica nodded, "What's it to you?"
"Do you know where she is now?" Haley asked.
"I think she's still in the bathroom." Veronica pointed towards the ones located near the food court. "She looked pretty upset."
"Okay, thank you." She said as she began leaving the group. She turned and walked backwards as she addressed the girls one last time, "Oh, and the tall, dark-haired, hot Scott brother is married!" she held up her left hand and quickly jogged out of the store.
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Alone in the bathroom, Brooke gulped as she looked back at her reflection which had now almost flawless make-up on.
The girl in the reflection, however, still looked unhappy and confused.
Haley burst into the bathroom and looked at the scene in front of her. "Thank god, you're here. I was looking for you at the food court. Some girl told me you were in here." Haley explained edging closer to her friend. She noted the books and Brooke's bag in the corner of the restroom. "Are you okay?"
Brooke shrugged, half-grateful Haley was there and half wanting to be left alone.
"It's nothing." She told her dismissively trying to smile the Brooke Davis smile.
Haley cocked her head to the side, "It's something. If it was nothing I wouldn't have heard a bunch of freshmen girls talking about 'the poor girl' crying in the bathroom. They said you were puking. Are you feeling okay?" Haley edged nearer to Brooke and attempted to hug her. Brooke held out a hand to stop her friend.
"Don't," she pleaded knowing that if she let Haley hug her, she'd burst into tears again. "I'll be fine. I just need some time."
Haley hated being helpless. "Well, what happened?"
"I was waiting at the food court and Sarah Ford—"
"Sarah Ford?" Haley cried. No wonder Brooke was upset. "What was that hussy doing here?" She could feel her anger towards the girl begin to rise.
"She's pregnant." Haley's anger turned into disbelief.
"It-" She tried to do some math in her head.
"It's not Lucas'." Brooke told her. "She's six months along and the guy abandoned her."
Haley scoffed, "Serves her right." However, Haley did feel some pang of guilt for the girl. She was aware of how difficult it was for single teenage mothers to cope in the world.
"She wanted to talk to me," Brooke explained tearfully. "Because she wanted to tell me that it was all a lie."
"What was a lie?"
"Everything." Brooke pulled out some tissue and dabbed her eyes with it to prevent another flow of mascara tear tracked. "Nothing happened between her and Lucas. She lied about it."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I don't care. It doesn't really make a difference anyway." Brooke sighed. "This whole year sucked because of what happened between Lucas and Sarah and now it didn't and I feel like it was a big, sick joke and a complete waste." Haley placed a hand on Brooke's shoulder.
"So she lied?" Haley was aware she was stating the obvious but nothing else was coming to her mind. "Are you going to tell Lucas?"
Brooke shrugged, "I don't know, Haley. I really don't." She was on the verge of breaking down again when the door opened and a woman walked in. She took a look at the two and hesitated, wondering whether or not she should leave them alone.
"Come on," Haley pulled Brooke away from her position at the mirror, "Let's go someplace else." She helped Brooke gather up her bags and the two walked out of the bathroom and out of the mall.
As Haley drove Brooke back to Peyton's house, she cast a wary glance at the girl who was staring out of the window, a tissue crumpled up in her hand. Her friend took her hands off the wheel and reassuringly placed it on Brooke's knee.
"Don't worry, Brooke. You couldn't have seen this coming. I mean, we all thought that Sarah had slept with Lucas."
"Yeah, but she didn't."
"And nobody knew that until thirty minutes ago." Haley reminded her.
"So what do I do now?" Brooke asked. "Tell Lucas that the whole reason we broke up ended up being a big, stinkin' joke? Tell him that, hey! You really didn't cheat on me so let's just forget about all the pain that we went through this last year because it all counts for nothing?" She pounded her fist against the leather interior of her car.
"Are you going to tell Lucas?" Haley questioned.
"I was thinking about it. I don't really have much choice, do I?" she shrugged and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "It's not really a conversation I'm looking forward to."
She glanced at Haley who seemed to be a little apprehensive.
"What? Do you think I shouldn't tell him?" Brooke frowned.
"I don't know, Brooke. It's not really my choice."
"Well it's not like I asked to make this choice. I don't even want to it be a choice."
"Unless Sarah herself tells him, I'm afraid you'll have to be the messenger. And, trust me; it would be better coming from you." Haley said as she turned into the little road where Peyton and Brooke shared a house. "Back when Lucas had to tell you about what happened with Sarah, he chickened out and didn't tell you. And you know the story; it was a thousand times worse hearing it when you did and having everybody lie to you. Knowing how it feels, you shouldn't keep it from him either." Haley reasoned.
"What if it hurts him? What if it ruins things between us? All this time, I've been blaming him for what happened because that's what we all thought happened. If I tell him, he could turn around and blame me or something. Right now, we're both happy. We can stand being in the same room, and you've seen it. We're laughing and joking around like nothing happened." Haley parked the car directly outside Peyton's house, yet neither of them got out of it.
"Except for the big, fat, honking elephant named Sarah that's in the room with you!" Haley cried, amazed at how her friend couldn't see what was right in front of her, "You know that awkward feeling that comes over you when you see him? That's not going to go away until you tell him the truth. The only reason you guys broke up was because of her and now you know nothing happened and she made it all up. Tell him and just get on with your life."
"That's what we've been trying to do, Haley!" Brooke yelled back at her friend, "It wasn't easy living in the same house as him, or watching him flirt with other girls. But what made it easier was knowing that I had a reason for letting him go and that I was only missing out on a guy who lied and cheated. That was the only way I got over it."
"But you didn't, Brooke. You still have feelings for him. You've always had feelings for him even when you hated him and when you were just friends and with Luke. Telling Lucas that it wasn't his fault would get rid of that elephant and there'd be just the two of you." She held up her hands, "I'm not saying that the two of you should get back together, because you both still have issues to work out but the whole Sarah deal was the root cause of all that and so without her, you still have a chance."
"I forgave Lucas already. I've worked so hard to get to that point. I can't afford to mess it up now." Brooke's voice became softer and hinted at the fact that she was afraid.
Haley looked at Brooke sympathetically and rubbed her arm, "Brooke… if you can forgive him when you thought he had done the worst – shouldn't you be able to forgive him when he didn't do anything at all?"
"It's not that simple," Brooke muttered.
"No, it isn't that simple. But you know you can't hide something like this from him. It's not fair on you, it's not fair on him, and it certainly isn't fair on any of us. We love you both and taking sides or lying isn't something we want to do."
"You lied to me." Brooke retorted. "You kind of took Lucas' side during the whole debacle."
"Only because we were forced into it. We all thought he would tell you, and when he didn't, we didn't think it would be right telling you. Plus, you're the one who closed us off – and truth be told, in that situation, I would have too."
"It just seems as though my life had finally sorted itself out and then Sarah comes and drops this bombshell that just turns it upside down again." Brooke sighed, "You know, every time I looked at Lucas, even a year after we broke up, all I could see was the reason why. But at my party, when he looked at me, I saw what I used to see. And everything seemed okay for those few minutes."
"A few months back," Haley began, "Now this is going back months and months, but I overheard Lucas talking to Nathan. He was talking about how every time he looked at you, he saw was the way he hurt you and how all he wanted was to make that pain go away. He's suffered as much as you have, Brooke. Now you have the power to stop all that. Why would you want to lose that?" Haley offered her a reassuring smile and handed her a cellphone. "Call him."
Despite Haley's reassurance and honesty, Brooke was still unsure. She pushed the cellphone away and back towards Haley, who seemed surprised and disappointed at Brooke's action. Opening the car door, Brooke stepped out of the car.
"I'm sorry, Haley. I just think he's better off not knowing." She didn't wait for her friend to reply before slamming the door shut and making her way into the Sawyer house to be alone.
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Brooke paced around the room. It had been three hours since her confrontation with Sarah at the mall, and almost two hours since Haley had gone home after Brooke refused to tell Lucas.
Now, she was questioning her decision.
Haley had called a few times but she let the machine pick it up. Thank god Peyton was out of town with Jake this weekend.
Brooke stopped by the window in her room and stared out. It was already dusk and the bright sunshine of the afternoon had almost disappeared. She could make out the mall glowing in the distance, and a little distance away from it, the much dimmer lights of the Rivercourt. From her window, she could even see the Scott mansion. There were no lights on. Dan was still at work, as was Karen. If Brooke craned her neck to the left, there apartment complex that Nathan and Haley resided in could be seen. Brooke counted three floors up and four windows in to see if they were at home. They were.
Brooke sighed as she walked away from the window, drawing the curtains so she wasn't distracted by the goings on outside.
Finally plucking up the courage to pick up the phone, she dialed Lucas' number, making a mental note that ex-girlfriends shouldn't know their ex-boyfriend's dorm-room number by heart.
After less than three rings, it picked up.
"Hello?" Lucas's voice spoke clearly into the phone. Brooke panicked and hung up, tossing the phone idly away from her. She sighed deeply and closed her eyes, cursing herself.
Thirty seconds later, the phone rang and Brooke opened her eyes. She chewed her nail as she decided whether to answer it or not before finally picking it up on the eighth ring.
"Peyton?" Lucas said when Brooke didn't reply. "Is that you? Why are you calling me?"
"It's me," Brooke revealed her identity.
"Oh, Brooke. I forgot you lived with Peyton. Is everything okay?"
"How did you know I called?" Brooke asked.
"Caller ID." Lucas chuckled, "But somehow you got disconnected or something."
"No," she sighed, "I hung up on you."
"Really? Any particular reason?" Lucas seemed more amused by this than anything.
"I just wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to you."
"Okay…" Lucas was confused. "So, do you want to talk to me now or are you just going to hang up on me again?"
"I'll talk." Brooke decided.
"Good. I've missed your voice." He told her. Brooke closed her eyes and sighed.
"Don't do that. Lucas." She pleaded.
Lucas seemed taken aback by her request, "Do what?" he asked.
"Say stuff like that to me. It's… it's not appropriate."
"So I can't tell you the truth now?" at the mention of 'truth', Brooke cringed. "Because I do miss your voice. You haven't called for a few days and I thought we were friends now."
"Friends don't say that." Brooke argued, "They ask how their day was and ask for the latest gossip."
"Fine." Lucas seemed all defensive all of a sudden, "How was your day? What's the latest gossip?" he asked dryly, "What's going on, Brooke?" he said a little more seriously. "Is that better?"
"Don't be like that…"
"Be like what? You're the one who called me and now you're the one acting all weird with me. And that usually indicates that there's something wrong, so what's wrong Brooke?" Lucas demanded to know.
There was silence on the other end.
"Okay," he seemed to give up, "If you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk. I shouldn't have called you back. I'll speak to you soon." Lucas began putting the phone down.
"Lucas! Wait!" Brooke cried, but it was too late, he'd already hung up. Groaning, Brooke dialed Lucas' number again and waited for it to pick up.
It finally did, but the voice wasn't Lucas'.
"Hello?" it was Matthew.
"Hey, um, can I talk to Lucas?" Brooke asked. Matthew seemed to hesitate.
"Sure." He passed it over to his roommate and Brooke could hear a faint argument go on between the two boys before Lucas finally took the receiver.
"Hey." Lucas said.
"I'm sorry," Brooke decided apologizing first would help, "You're right, I'm acting weird and there is something wrong."
"Well, what is it?" Lucas was more concerned now.
"I ran into Sarah today." Brooke told him. "And um… well, she said some very interesting things."
"Like?" Lucas questioned. No wonder Brooke was upset.
"Like about that night."
"Brooke…"
"You're off the hook, Lucas. She told me the truth. She told me she'd lied and you hadn't done anything with her because you were too drunk to even know what was going on."
It was Lucas' turn to be silent now.
"Lucas?" she prompted, "Are you there?"
"Yeah, um, I'm still here." She could hear the anger burning up inside him. Lucas gripped the phone hard. "So she lied?"
"Apparently."
"It didn't occur to her that she'd ruined my life and us?" he scoffed.
"She did realize it; it just took her this long to admit it." Brooke didn't know why she was feeling sympathy for the girl who'd caused so many problems.
"I can't believe it!" Lucas growled, "All this time and all this pain and she was just lying?" Brooke could hear Matthew make an excuse and leave the dorm room.
"Lucas, calm down."
"Calm down? Brooke, how are you not mad about this?"
"I am, Lucas. I spent a considerable amount of time in a mall restroom throwing up and bawling my eyes out. It doesn't just affect you!"
"When did she tell you?"
"This afternoon."
"And you're telling me now?"
"Well I had to have some time to process it. Plus, I was close to not telling you." Brooke confessed. "But I have and I guess now we've got to talk about it."
"Talk about what? The fact that our whole relationship was ruined because she wanted to have a little fun? Brooke, you and I have been through hell and back this last year because of what she said."
Lucas groaned and kicked his desk. "Whoa, Lucas, calm down." Brooke said. "Please don't be mad at me, and don't take your anger out of your furniture."
"I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at her. How could she do this?"
"I don't know."
"Well how are you dealing with it?" Lucas asked.
"Haley and a tub of Ben and Jerry's. I don't know what else to do, really. I'm as angry and messed up as you are over this."
"You know, I used to pray to whatever powers that be up there that I would wake up and none of this ever happened. I hated what I apparently did to you and I hated hurting you and not being with you. And now it seemed it was answered but months and months later. I just…" he groaned. "This is just sucky."
"I know." Brooke sighed, "It seems as if we've been working against the elements to finally be at a place where we can be on the same page and it was all for nothing."
"So what do we do now?" Lucas asked. "I mean, let us just forget Sarah. She doesn't even matter anymore. Where are we?"
"You mean, are we still on the same page?"
"Yeah."
"I don't know. I guess all we can do now is talk about it and see where we end up." Brooke suggested.
"Right," Lucas nodded, "So, where do we start?"
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Three hours, fourteen minutes and thirty eight seconds later, Brooke hung up the phone with a happy sigh.
Lying down on her bed, she was satisfied with how their conversation had gone.
There had been a few arguments, some tears and some laughter; but finally, they had agreed that they as people were both on the same page.
They understood each other and where they stood, and furthermore, they both knew what that meant for their currently platonic relationship.
All there was left to do, now that Sarah was out of the picture, was see where it would take them.
To Be Continued…
There you go. Wasn't that a shocker? (Shut up Cari and Kels! – who, btw, both helped tremendously with this). I guess it's no secret that this is the penultimate chapter and that the next one will be the final part of this story.